Dragon Ball Evolution review

[Onyx Oblivion]

The reviewer has a bravery of 100.

 

[cainx10a]

Spoiler

Let me just begin by saying this movie isn't as bad as you expected. It is far far worse. Fans of the Dragonball universe are strongly advised not to see this unless they want their childhood raped with a fist full of nails. Hell, even people who have never heard of dragon ball are discouraged to go because I think this movie can somehow give you post traumatic stress syndrome, judging by the wailing and gnashing of teeth evident in all that see it. This is literally the Arc of the Covent in movie form, in that it causes faces to melt and flesh to burn at its very sight. But enough of my babbling, lets get to exactly why this movie is such a mistake of god.

Firstly, lets look at the actual story line, if you want to call it that. It gives the impression that someone wrote the script after skimming a wikipedia article about the subject matter. Yes, your favorite characters are all there, Goku, Chichi, Bulma, yamcha, master rochi and Picillo, but they're in bizarre live action interpretations of the original characters. Goku looks like the bastard child of Frodo and Edward Cullen and has this delightful habit of going completely emo at random times. Chichi is just some generic Asian chick, bulma has a singe strand of blue hair and resembles Lara Croft a great deal more then the original character, complete with dual pistols and mindless aggression. Yamcha is just a surfer dude the find in the desert, rochi is a distressingly young asian guy with little personality and Picillo looks like a black man smeared in green paint. Now this weird warping of characters could be expectable, as the original forms in live action would be even more ridiculous. The problem is that, not only are the characters appearances wrong, but their setting and personalities are completely off as well.

In the beginning, we see Goku going through high school, being bullied, and fantasizing about chichi eating fruit. I kid you fucking not, he literally sits there and daydreams about Chichi eating fruit. Later he helps her open her locker using what they call "Kai". Now in the original series "Kai" was the energy that the characters used to hurl balls of energy around, but in this bastardization not only do they mispronounce it as "Key" the entire time, but its been relegated to ripped off force powers. Goku literally holds his hand up like he's force pushing someone and all the lockers fly open. Seeing this display of Jedi prowess, Chichi invites Goku to a party she's having that night. Its about now you being wondering when the fuck dragon ball became a high school movie. Well, Goku goes to the party, abandoning his grandpa (still alive for some reason) and trounces some bullies. While he's doing this picillo attacks grandpa and force chokes him. I'm not kidding, he literally does the straight Darth Vader force choke. Goku, sensing a disturbance in the force (that's not a witty segue, he literally senses something wrong.) and rushes back to find grandpa crushed under a house. After burying Grandpa in the backyard (seriously), bulma comes in shooting like a PMSing duke nukem. Retarded dialogue ensues and the pair decided to go after the dragon balls together. Goku however needs to find master rochi first. They find the turtle hermit in what looks like the home from Full House floating in the middle of a bay. The two end up fighting, Rochi recites a poem about the dragon balls while dancing and then promises to teach Goku air bending. You see that last sentence? Everything in that sentence is completely true, none of it is me trying to be funny. Rochi actually says he'll teach Goku air bending. More shit happens, they find yamcha, picillo uses his blood to create what look like LOTR Orks and this is when I shut this shit off.

I honestly could not sit through more of this, it is that bad. Its so stupid I actually had to face palm and cover my eyes just to avoid it on several occasions. It actually makes the resent street fighter movie look capable. It is just a mishmash rip off of every popular idea the creators could think of and most of the time they don't even attempt to hide their blatant theft of intellectual property. This is what would happen if George Lucas fucked an 11 year old Pilipino girl, aborted her fetus with razor wire, vomited on it and duct taped the remains of the abortion to a movie screen then forced you to stare at it for an hour and a half.

0/10
Recommendation : burn down any theater showing this film, for the good of the children.

I saw the movie...My god....why? WHY GOD WHY!?

I know brother, I know -cries-

 

[300lb. Samoan]

A friend told me about this today. He so far is the only person I've met that wanted to go see this. I told him it would be bad, and I guess I was wrong. It's the worst thing EVER. Everyone agrees that 'if you've never seen dragonball, you'll leave wondering what the hell just happened', and if you have, you'll leave wondering 'why the hell did they do this?' (I paraphrased that from a blog review I found somewhere, seems like an apt analysis.)

 

[losnoblesgvr]

I wonder how Akira Toriyama feels about the movie? I think I would be ashamed to be a part of it. This movie should have been better than any other movie in it's catagory. They should've gotten the guys from the x-men movies. I won't spend 1 penny on this movie. The makers should make a public apology for the garbage. It's an insult!

 

[Tri Force95]

Sounds terrible, but wasn't every DBZ fan expecting this?

I havent seen this movie, and i expect it to be bad. However, i hope its atleast half-way decent.

 

[MindofMykyta]

This is what would happen if George Lucas fucked an 11 year old Pilipino girl, aborted her fetus with razor wire, vomited on it and duct taped the remains of the abortion to a movie screen then forced you to stare at it for an hour and a half.

Holy f......

This is definitely a movie worth downloading for the sake of laughing at it.

Nothing more.

 

[Manyeyes]

Not surprised.
When I first saw the trailers I thought that it was Gohan in the later
part of DBZ.
Moment I learned it was Goku I cut the movie away.

 

[Jandau]

I heard somewhere that this movie was a box office hit. Is there any truth to this rumor or should I find that article again and see if it's dated April 1st?

 

[Piecewise]

I saw Adult swim doing an advert and thought why? why would you guy advertise that? That is a complete bastardization of your little brother's (toonami) best show.

just a semantics point, Toonami would be AS's big brother since it was here first. But Toonami got canceled because they refused to play good shows anymore as well as making Tom look like Tomas the fucking tank engine.

*sigh*

I miss toonami and its awesome music video bumps

 

[archer9234]

The movie made back its money. So, to the studio, it isn't a flop. So they will just make another one. Thus causing mass deaths.

 

[brewbeard]

I wonder how Akira Toriyama feels about the movie? I think I would be ashamed to be a part of it. This movie should have been better than any other movie in it's catagory. They should've gotten the guys from the x-men movies. I won't spend 1 penny on this movie. The makers should make a public apology for the garbage. It's an insult!

"As the original creator, I had a feeling of ?Huh?? upon seeing the screenplay and the character designs, but the director, all the actors, the staff, and the rest are nothing but ?ultra? high-caliber people. Maybe the right way for me and all the fans to appreciate it is as a New Dragonball of a different dimension. Perhaps, this might become a great masterpiece of power! Hey, I look forward to it!!"

http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/news/2009-02-08/akira-toriyama-comments-on-live-action-dragonball-film

 

[Lednir]

[quote/]I wonder how Akira Toriyama feels about the movie? I think I would be ashamed to be a part of it.[/quote]

And suddenly it becomes clear how Fox managed to spend 100 million on this.

 

[Lavi]

*Lets out extremely long scream* PICCCCOOOOLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


...

*Cries*

 

[scotth266]

I saw Adult swim doing an advert and thought why? why would you guy advertise that? That is a complete bastardization of your little brother's (toonami) best show.

just a semantics point, Toonami would be AS's big brother since it was here first. But Toonami got canceled because they refused to play good shows anymore as well as making Tom look like Tomas the fucking tank engine.

*sigh*

I miss toonami and its awesome music video bumps

As do we all. With Toonami died all good cartoons/anime on during good hours(aka not 1 in the freakin AM).

I saw the movie...My god....why? WHY GOD WHY!?

Use snips on big quotes like I just did. It saves other posters time having to go through it all...

 

[Shapsters]

The paper I read gave it a D-, the only other movie I have seen get that grade is Pink Panther 2.

 

[HPoirot]

I hate DBZ with a passion, but even I feel for the poor fans who get forced to experience this shitpile of a movie.
Advice: Pretend this is all a bad dream. Maybe you'll wake up and the movie will never have existed.