Embarrassing sex-related stories

[AngloDoom]

One time with an ex of mine I was on top of her, we'd been around each other a lot but not been able to have sex. So, we're going at it like Duracell bunnies, when suddenly I feel the most awful wet sensation on my left arsecheek and yelp/scream like an injured hound, and literally jump out of my girlfriend and probably a foot or so in the air.

Behind me stands an open door, and a happy dog licking it's lips.

*Shudder*

 

[Biosophilogical]

What are your most embarrassing sex-related stories?

That I haven't had any yet.

ZING!

Oh boy that slaps me on the knee!

...same here.*sad face*

Maybe we can form a club!

OT: The closest thing I have to an embarrassing story is the first time I tried masturbating I didn't finish because I didn't know what was supposed to happen and abandoned ship/aborted the mission in panic.

Call me an ass, but that story is funnier than almost everything on here.

See, now I'm giggling a bit because I'm trying to imagine what you imagined I did and I keep coming back to this idea of me panicking and trying to back out of the situation (with the obvious flaw being that you can't really back away from your penis)

 

[Loner Jo Jo]

This is more funny than embarrassing, but here goes...

My boyfriend had come up for the weekend, and it was fall break, so my roommate was gone. We were going to go see a play, but I wanted to have some fun first. I thought I could get him off in under ten minutes, so I start playing with him. So, he's getting close, we had already run out of time, but I was bound and determined to get him off.

Well, you see, I am female. I never had to worry about aim because I do not dispel any liquids with orgasm. He does, and with some good propulsion to it too. So, I'm going to town with my hand, he's right there and suddenly he finishes... and I, not thinking, had directed it straight at my face, specifically, my left eye.

It burned like hell. I looked like I had pink eye for the next 5 hours.

 

[Slayer_2]

See, now I'm giggling a bit because I'm trying to imagine what you imagined I did and I keep coming back to this idea of me panicking and trying to back out of the situation (with the obvious flaw being that you can't really back away from your penis)

I just didn't know it was possible for a guy not to know how his junk operates. Gave me quite the chuckle.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

Well, you see, I am female. I never had to worry about aim because I do not dispel any liquids with orgasm. He does, and with some good propulsion to it too. So, I'm going to town with my hand, he's right there and suddenly he finishes... and I, not thinking, had directed it straight at my face, specifically, my left eye.

It burned like hell. I looked like I had pink eye for the next 5 hours.

Ouch. Right there with you, sister.

This is why, if I'm doing that, I stay behind the guy. Or I switch to my mouth when things get close (assuming the guy in question lets me know - some are more vocal than others). Surprise facials are not fun if they get in your eye.

 

[Slayer_2]

Oh, and you're now going to wonder in the back of your head for the next while how your dick compares to a toilet paper roll. You're welcome.

I didn't just wonder, I had to try it (challenge accepted). I'm hardly insecure about my dick size, but I looked at the roll and thought "no way..." Turns out I'm actually too big to fit in the damn thing, epic.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

The first time I made out with a girl was just this last September (I was 24). (For reference, she was sort of a chubby gal, but I found I like that sort of thing.) I was awkward at first, just learning how to kiss and getting properly situated for the act. I kept setting my glasses on the couch and they kept getting crushed. Then about fifteen minutes in, she said she had to stop for a minute. She opened her purse and rubbed deodorant in her pits. I had noticed the smell a little bit and it did help. Maybe embarrassing for her, but I thought it was considerate.

About 5 months later, she started talking to me again. (I had kept asking her out, but only ever got one more date with her before she quit responding to my facebook messages.) I made a date to hang out and she completely stood me up. A couple days later, she messaged me on facebook saying she'd be willing to hang out again. She also mentioned that she'd been up all night. I asked if she should get some rest, but she said she's all good and would be ready in two hours. So, I drove over there two hours later at noon.... and she had fallen asleep. Her dad got her up, but I ended up waiting for her for 90 minutes on the couch with her father. Nice guy though. I ate lunch (she didn't want anything) and we watched a DVD at my place. She didn't want to make out because she was on her period. (I think she kept going to the bathroom to wash out her pad or something. I could kinda smell it, I think. I had tampons. Had she told me earlier I'd have offered one.) Eventually, she stopped responding to my messages again.

The embarrassing part? I still very much want to date this person.

 

[Vault101]

(I think she kept going to the bathroom to wash out her pad or something. [/B] I could kinda smell it, I think. I had tampons. Had she told me earlier I'd have offered one.) Eventually, she stopped responding to my messages again.

The embarrassing part? I still very much want to date this person.

thats....uh......not how it works

unless she was some kind of "environmental" hippie....(why did you have tampons?) uhh never mind

 

[OmniscientOstrich]

I was drunk and had a one night stand with girl. It wasn't very satisfying. We no longer speak. >.> I'm going to go forever alone now.

 

[rickthetrick]

Long story short, I managed to jizz in my own eye during intercourse with my ex wife.

Yeah that shit stings alright.

 

[Vault101]

(why did you have tampons?)

This is exactly what I was tempted to ask when I read it .__.

I'm just imagining it like gum or something.

"Oh hey here, I've got some tampons here if you want them."
*reaches into bag*
*offers tampon*
"Oh thanks!"
*...pops it in?!*

mabye he suffers from spontanious nosebleeds?

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

also i've broken beds at least twice which always kinda throws you out of the moment...sometimes literally...

**checks your profile - no info**

... what year did you graduate from college? Cause, your comment there reminded me of the time I was in a bed-breaking situation. And then it occurred to me that it was remotely possible that you might actually BE that ex-boyfriend. And if so... I should probably make sure before sharing that story.

(I think she kept going to the bathroom to wash out her pad or something. [/B] I could kinda smell it, I think.

thats....uh......not how it works

Yeah... um... that caught my attention too. zeldafanboy, pads are generally thrown out after use, not washed. Washing one out... is actually kind of disturbing. I keep imagining it... ick.

Look what you've done! I can never un-think it!

(why did you have tampons?)

This is exactly what I was tempted to ask when I read it .__.

mabye he suffers from spontanious nosebleeds?

^^;; I assumed that he meant he knew where his mother (or other female person - sister, flatmate, etc) kept hers. Although they do use tampons for treating nose bleeds. I saw it on Sex and the City. Poor Steve.

 

[Vault101]

(I think she kept going to the bathroom to wash out her pad or something. [/B] I could kinda smell it, I think.

thats....uh......not how it works

Yeah... um... that caught my attention too. zeldafanboy, pads are generally thrown out after use, not washed. Washing one out... is actually kind of disturbing. I keep imagining it... ick.

Look what you've done! I can never un-think it!

.

not to mention how inconvinet/time consuming it would be

you'd have to wander off every hour or so to go do laundry.....mabye even in somone elses sink

though like I said..Im sure there are hippie girls out there who choose less disposable options

I have heard the term.."cup"....I have NO Idea what that is..I DO NOT want to know what it is and this conversation is actually going somwhere horrible so I apologise

 

[Luftwaffles]

@Vault101: @Mortai Gravesend: @Bara_no_Hime: I hear the NZSAS (regular sas, soldiers etc) carry tampons for bullet wounds. Not sure if true though.

On topic, i dont have a personal story but..well see my room overlooks an alleyway (of sorts). One week i decided to record audio of myself sleeping and i would analyse it using audacity.

Around midweek for three nights in a row, cries of the beast with two backs would stir me from my sleep. I mean loud, screaming, "oh my god harder!!!" sex. Outside my window. Thought i was going crazy or having really lucid dreams.


So yeah....after some scrutiny on audacity, around 1 to 2am for those 3 days, a car would rumble up the alley and some couple went on and on for a half hour. Sounded like a damned porno out there...

 

[Comando96]

Well this was this one time I [sub]cried myself to sleep[/sub] [sub][sub]because I'm so lonely [/sub][/sub][sub][sub][sub]ohgodwhydoesnobodyloveme[/sub][/sub][/sub]

Ahh crying yourself to sleep when the loneliness becomes too much for you to cope with... good times good times :s

...good...times...[sub]bloody hell that train seems like a good idea now[/sub]

--------------------

I once stayed over at my friend's house (due to council cutting bus services and not telling anyone about it) and his gf was over that night too. I stayed on a sofa on the ground floor, with his room being a converted attic.

I woke up the next morning and looked out a window just before the sun rise. The Sun rose and then I heard what I thought was a rooster in the cliché beginning to the morning.

Then a few seconds later I realised it probably wasn't a rooster... roosters don't make that sound for that long... or pronounce names.

 

[kyle_silver]

Haven't had any.. Never had sex... But I hope to soon with my BF.. * Shrugs * Meh..