Favorite Comeback

[The Sorrow]

"Fuck you!"
"Yes, please."

"Go fuck yourself!"
"Tried. Can't bend that far."

"Shut the fuck up!"
"I've tried! The fuck won't stop talking!"

Some of my standard comebacks.

 

[Programmed_For_Damage]

Not really practical most of the time, but I was watching the movie Snatch last night and the cop asks Jason Statham's character Turkish, "what's in the car?" and he responds "seats and a steering wheel". Brilliant.

 

[Di22y]

"Shut the fuck up!"
"I've tried! The fuck won't stop talking!"

Some of my standard comebacks.

Shit man, I was going to pick on you but had a crisis of conscience. Fuck!

I bet your a relly nice guy deep down.

 

[crimsondynamics]

In my country there was a president who was infamous (and legendary) for being an alcoholic and womanizer. Anyhow, he once appeared in a gala dinner with two "escorts".

The wives of prominent politicians went up to him and disgusted, said: "This is most unbecoming of a president. How dare you show up here with two women of such dubious reputation?"

The president replied, "No. They are not women of dubious reputation. They are prostitutes. You are the ones with dubious reputations."

 

[fuzzypenguin]

if i cant think of anything witty to say i usally just throw out a "no your a (insert random inament object)" it usally leaves the person baffeld and me looking kind of retard, still worth it though.

example

"you moma so fat when she sits around the house she sits AROUND the house"
"no your a toaster"
akward silence....

 

[Plastic14407]

Mine is when someone calls me a lesbo despite the fact im male and i just say back"so what im still doing girls"

 

[fuzzypenguin]

In my country there was a president who was infamous (and legendary) for being an alcoholic and womanizer. Anyhow, he once appeared in a gala dinner with two "escorts".

The wives of prominent politicians went up to him and disgusted, said: "This is most unbecoming of a president. How dare you show up here with two women of such dubious reputation?"

The president replied, "No. They are not women of dubious reputation. They are prostitutes. You are the ones with dubious reputations."

would that happen to be sir john a mcdonald?

 

[crimsondynamics]

would that happen to be sir john a mcdonald?

Nope, sorry.

Spoiler

Check my profile!

 

[zen5887]

I love mother jokes, not your standard "your mums fat!" no mine are much more 'classy' (I use that term loosely... Just like your mother)

Example

I was at uni one day and my friends were tuning one of the drum kits. After about 10 minutes of trying on of them goes "Ugh this is shit.. Why are these drums so loose??" then the other goes "They are loose because they are cheep and can't take a hit" suddenly I calmly drop in and say "Not unlike your mother"

Appart from great ones like that I like subtle comebacks.

Example

Again at uni the other day practicing for one of the bands my friend says something rather rude about me, the singer is shocked and says "Aaron I cant believe that just came out of your mouth!" Seeing my opening to get him back I reply "Thats not the worse thing thats come out of his mouth"

It was great

 

[sequio]

You'd be surprised how often dickfor works.

 

[RhinoTuna]

I am rubber, you are glue.

My enemies crack like glowsticks beneath my Monkey Island jokes.

 

[jim_doki]

I am rubber, you are glue.

My enemies crack like glowsticks beneath my Monkey Island jokes.

You fight like a dairy farmer!


on topic, im also a fan of "fuck you, that's why"

 

[Jimmyjames]

A friend of mine has a great one if somebody asks where something is. Example:

Guy: "Hey, Ryan- where's the crescent wrench?"
Ryan: "If it was up your ass you'd know where it was."

Every time he says it people are taken aback.

Oh, I forgot one:

I was at a store with a friend and there was a bitchy chick that thought he cut in front of her in line (he didn't). So my friend says "Looks like someone has sand in their vagina!" and the girl says back, "Yeah, apparently you do."

I couldn't help it, I laughed. Pissed my friend off, actually.

 

[Lt. Sera]

So is your face! to any and all remarks.

 

[Lukeje]

I am rubber, you are glue.

My enemies crack like glowsticks beneath my Monkey Island jokes.

You fight like a dairy farmer!

How appropriate, you fight like a cow!

 

[jim_doki]

I am rubber, you are glue.

My enemies crack like glowsticks beneath my Monkey Island jokes.

You fight like a dairy farmer!

How appropriate, you fight like a cow!

WOW! you're good enough to face the Sword Master!

 

[Lord Krunk]

I dunno, I really liked when the Australian and (New Zealand?) Cricket teams were together; one of the Aussie guys shouted out:

Hey! Why are you so fat?

Because every time I f#$% your mum, she gives me a biscuit!

It's probably been used before, but I figured that that was one of the best 'Your Mum' jokes I've heard. I'm not naming the players, because most outsiders wouldn't understand me that way.

 

[SniegZ]

"You've probabbly taken me for someone from your childhood that gave a shit. Sorry - I'm not him."

"Don't talk to me."

" *To a very bitchy girl* Too bad you don't have enough good looks to compensate for your stupidity."

"Pop quiz! What's the difference between me and someone who gives a shit?"

"If I give a damn - I'll let you know."

"*Being called a glass-eye* Don't like the glasses? Well... I don't like your ugly face. The thing is - I can take my glasses off."

 

[stormcaller]

Mine is "Yeah so?"
i.e
your stupid "Yeah so?"
you disgust me "Yeah so?"
theres not really much more to say after that.

And of course staring at them and leaning slowly forward usually makes 'em run

I'm also a fan of the "retard say what?" kind of jokes

 

[Labyrinth]

"So you're like, a gothic.." she spouted, grinning as would a fool.
"So, you're.. like.. a clone," I found myself replying.

"You metal heads are stupid. You're going to hell for your sins," I was told one day while sitting around with coffee and friends.
"It's nice to know that the ever high standard of religious integrity and intellect is so degraded by individuals such as yourself."

From a supremely annoying 13-year-old on a train. "Fuck you! You're just jealous because I'm having fun!" (She'd spent the last hour annoying me, and many other people going home after school. Apparently, this was a favourite past time of hers.)
I replied, turning to the rest of the carriage. "Ladies and gentlemen, Exhibit A here is evidence of why contraception should be encouraged. This has been a public service announcement."

It's nice to watch their faces crumble when they realise that they've been pwn'd.