Female Perspective - Friend Zone

[Dragonborne88]

No opinion either way. If I want to be friends with a girl, its easy enough to stay friends without feelings getting in the way. And the girls that relationships haven't worked for, generally I know why or what happened. I'd prefer women to be a little more HONEST with why they break stuff off (none of this "I wasn't ready for a relationship" garbage. If I smell, or I'm a douche, TELL ME!), but other then that, it's usually pretty clear.

However, I agree with what somebody said pretty early on. I've got enough good friends. If you don't want to date, don't expect me to be friends with you. Any time a girl and I have dated and it hasn't worked out, I cease contact from that point on. It's not to be an asshole or anything, but I know how I work, and I don't want feelings to get in the way (which they will, if I really liked them), and me being resentful all the time.

 

[Keava]

You know..i lived 30 years on this planet called Earth and until recently haven't even heard about something like "Friend Zone". It sounds to me like some catch phrase from one of many tv shows i don't watch that managed to strike some of the guys fancy enough so it got through into real life.

As i understand is it when a guy tries but is rejected. Geez. That's like damn normal? Not every friend is potential partner, people just sometimes like to have friends they don't have sex with. That's all there is to it. Im sure there are also guys that don't really want to 'shag everything that doesn't run on tree' ...

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

I've never been friends with a woman.

And nothing more need be said on the matter, really.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate women. I have excellent relations with my friends' girlfriends that seem exactly like frienship on the outside. It's just that I realize that once they part with my friends I probably won't see them much and that I'm not supposed to bother them with my shit. I know they won't run into a burning house to save me like my friends would (and I would for them).

How do you know they wouldn't run into a burning house to save you? I mean are their personalities so bad that they would just sit there and let you die? Hell, when my apartment building was on fire, not only did I try to rescue people I did know, I made sure people I didn't know were out of the building. By the time I got out, the fire dept was commin up with the hose and it was getting hung on the stairs and I started grabbing that and pulling it so it didn't get caught. A firefighter came up and and said "sweety that is my job", like he felt bad a petite girl was doing it. When I got to the bottom of the stairs and part of the roof came falling down in front of me, the red cross was trying to give me oxygen. I was covered in soot and didn't even realize it.
Just because " they are a girl" means they wouldn't do anything to save you? What is that all about?

 

[Ariseishirou]

I know they won't run into a burning house to save me like my friends would (and I would for them).

Really? Because I'd do this for any of my male friends. It's why when I was growing up I was glad that Canada is one of the few countries in the world with conscription for both sexes - if we ever went to war my friends wouldn't be forced to go off without me like they would in, say, the US draft.

I've walked them home from bars, I've driven two hours out of my way at four in the morning to pick them up so they wouldn't have to drink and drive, I've helped pull them off of each other when they're fighting, I've let them sleep in my room when their fathers were drunk and hitting them, I've let them cry on my shoulder when they broke up with their girlfriends... because my bros are the best and they'd do the same for me.

You don't think I'm worthy of being your friend because I happen to have an extra X chromosome? Your loss, comrade. I'll stick to being friends with - and sleeping with - men who think more highly of me than that.

 

[Lilani]

The friend zone is just something made up by guys when a girl they have liked for a while rejects them, they just don't want to accept that she doesn't like him that way. If a girl sees you as a potential partner then that isn't going to change just because you are friends with her, yes she may focus her attention elsewhere or give up hope but those things that drew her attention to you in the first place will always be there. So that "I don't want to ruin our friendship" line stems from one of several possibilities, either she doesn't have any attraction to you and never has, she is scared that a relationship with you won't last, she is more attracted to someone else or she is legitimately worried that a relationship would change everything between you.

You are most certainly correct.

"if a guy waits too long to ask you out, you will no longer consider him a possible romantic partner"

And that is most certainly wrong.

Let me tell you both a little story: about how my boyfriend and I got together. We first met last October, and we immediately became friends. We saw each other once a week at the Anime club put on at our university. It wasn't until early March that I realized I liked him. I'd never really had a boyfriend before (I am 20, he's 18), so I sort of had it stuck in my mind that he was the guy and he was supposed to be the one to ask. But first, I had to figure out if he felt the same way.

I sent a few subtle hints here and there, but he didn't seem to notice and it was driving me crazy. One day, I asked to see him without his hat. He has a trademark hat he wears everywhere, and I was curious to see the hair underneath. But he refused, and told me I had to be up a few rungs higher on the friendship ladder before I could see his hair. Ouch. Later that evening we decided we wanted to see Sucker Punch, and he expressed concerns regarding telling his parents that he was going to see a movie with a girl, but not a girlfriend. Ouch, again.

Finally, in mid April, we ended up hanging out together since Anime club was canceled. We went to my room, watched YouTube videos, talked, and watched a movie. Somehow, eight hours managed to pass without us even noticing. We talked about everything, having a blast the whole time. It was at this point that I became relatively certain he liked me, too. But even though many opportunities came up after that, he never made any other hints or attempts.

In late April we had our third lunch together, I finally just decided to tell him that I liked him. A lot. He got a little shaky and misty eyed, and said he'd been feeling that way for a while too, but he never could put it into words. He's thanked me ever since for doing that, saying if I hadn't said anything he would still just have a hopeless crush.

TL;DR: The whole "friend zone" thing is just preposterous, when it comes to serious relationships. If a girl really, really likes you, and feels there is something big there, she won't give up on you that easily. Those types of feelings have no expiration date. Also, relationships can form from friendships--in fact, I think that is how every successful relationship should form. That is how my brother and his wife started, as well as my parents, who are about to celebrate their 30th anniversary this June.

 

[Elamdri]

Yeah... as a woman, I would say that the friend zone is a fiction. If we're attracted to you early on, we're just as attracted to you later.

When a girl says "I want to stay friends" - it's because we aren't attracted to you in the first place. The woman in question sees you as a friend, not because you "waited too long" but because you don't fit her ideal of a mate. Maybe you have the wrong hair color, or the wrong build, or the wrong ass. It doesn't mean you aren't attractive, just that you don't fit her particular desire or fetish.

To quote "Sex and the City" it just means "she isn't in to you".

Want evidence? My spouse and I were friends for three years before we had a one-night stand that turned into friends-with-benefits which turned into a relationship.

Happily married 7 years this summer.

So yeah, if a girl is attracted to you, it doesn't matter how long you've been "just friends" - things can work out. If she's not, she's not. Sorry.

I'm not sure I agree with this.

For starters, what we're talking about here are two questions: 1) Does the Friend Zone exist (Yes) and 2) How do you get there (A number of reasons)

The Friend Zone is a type of unrequited love. For those who aren't familiar with the term, unrequited love is when a person is in love with someone who does not reciprocate the feeling. What makes the Friend Zone particularly tragic is that while unrequited love does not require the person who does not reciprocate the feelings of love to even associate with the person who is in love with them, the Friend Zone has that person stuck in a situation where they are in love with a person who considers them a good friend and is often around the object of their affection and subject to platonic affection that they may confuse with amorous feelings.

What's not so clear is how you GET into the friend zone. If you read the wiki article, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friend_zone, it lists a few theories: (1) no romantic attraction (2) ambiguous signals from the man (3) repulsion sexually (but not enough to block a friendship). It also talks about the most popular theory (at least among men) that if you wait too long to ask a woman out, it's possible that she would decline, not wanting to risk the friendship on a relationship.

Personally, I see all these explanations as being valid. There is no reason why the friend zone can't have multiple causes.

I do disagree with you somewhat when you say "If we're attracted to you early on, we're just as attracted to you later." Not only is it possible to grow more or less attracted to someone over time, I've experienced it for myself many times. In fact, one of my longest relationships was with someone who I at first didn't find very attractive.

The problem is that this isn't ALWAYS the case. It certainly DOES happen, but not all the time. The problem with the friend zone is that most guys tend to languish in it for a LONG time trying to make that attraction happen when it likely won't. What you're doing is taking a huge risk that over time someone is going to come to find you attractive, rather than cutting your losses and trying for someone else.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

I've never been friends with a woman.

And nothing more need be said on the matter, really.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate women. I have excellent relations with my friends' girlfriends that seem exactly like frienship on the outside. It's just that I realize that once they part with my friends I probably won't see them much and that I'm not supposed to bother them with my shit. I know they won't run into a burning house to save me like my friends would (and I would for them).

While I feel that true friends, male or female WILL be there for you through the hangover, and much more, are you saying that if you are attracted to a girl, you wouldn't want her to be there trying to make sure you didn't swallow your tongue?

The hangover was a metaphor for bad times. I just can't shake off this feeling that "cool girls" (the type I'm (probably unfortunately) attracted to) are like Cartman followers in "You have 0 friends" episode of South Park: once your stocks go down, they'll dump you without hestitation. Besides what's the point of being friends instead of being lovers with an attractive girl and what's the point in hanging around ugly women (maybe I'm yet to see a woman with fascinating personality, which I don't want to have sex with).

I think that may be all in your head, maybe an insecurity issue around women you are attracted to.
What is the point of being friends with an ugly hairy dude if your not attracted to them either? It boils down to common interests and personalities.

 

[agrajagthetesty]

I am quite honestly appalled. This is one of the most sexist things I've seen in a while - and I hang out on the internet. "Things that women say they care about but don't"... and strangers who aren't in their heads and claim to speak for the entire female sex would know better than these silly deceitful women, would they? I cannot believe this absolute bile even exists.

I'm not sure I agree with calling this sexist. It has pretty terrible views on the entire human race not just woman. Do you honestly think guys like people saying that all we ever want from women is sex? It's pretty much just hateful to everyone.

No, no, I absolutely agree with you. I think it's horrible to say that about men, basically reduces them to a walking penis. It's still sexist though - just against both sexes. Misogynist and misandrist.

 

[Judgement101]

If that is your stance then I shall make my own. It is made by girls who claim it was made by guys who claim it was made bu girls so they have an excuse to not go out with someone.

+1 confusion

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

If that is your stance then I shall make my own. It is made by girls who claim it was made by guys who claim it was made bu girls so they have an excuse to not go out with someone.

+1 confusion

It's not you, It's me. =)

 

[agrajagthetesty]

I've never been friends with a woman. Of course some of them are tons of fun to be around and you might even think that you understand each other very well, but once you're ears-deep in shit and there is something else than "being there for you" that you need help with, forget about you female friends. They'll join you in drinking, but won't stick around for the hangover. [...] I am talking about about girls attractive enough to be consider a relationship with. I don't care that some beast is always there for (some of) you.

Nice job saying that girls who are too unattractive for you to consider having sex with them don't count as women.

 

[lordmardok]

The best way to remove yourself from the friend zone: Be a man, wrestle a walrus.

 

[gazumped]

I can't date someone who isn't my close friend first.

If a guy asks me out within a short while of me meeting him, I laugh and brush it off with no interest whatsoever. I may develop interest if he carries on trying to get to know me, but it'd take several months.
I'd rather risk ruining a friendship than be intimate with a semi-stranger.

I may be in the minority here, though.

I will say that the only situation I know where a girl told a guy she didn't want to go out with him because she only thought of him as a friend, she admitted to me that the truth was she just found him unattractive. He kept trying to convince her it didn't matter that they were friends and things could be so much more awesome between them. Was kind of heartbreaking to see him being so insistent when the truth was he literally had no chance.

 

[Elamdri]

TL;DR: The whole "friend zone" thing is just preposterous, when it comes to serious relationships.

There's a difference between what the friend zone is and how you get there. The Friend Zone is when a man is in love with a woman but she only considers him a friend. That situation most certainly DOES exist. Now, how you end up in a situation like that can vary.

Also, relationships can form from friendships

Which is why most guys tend to languish in the friend zone. There is a belief that you can make a woman grow to love you over time. Now, it's not impossible for people to grow attracted to each other over time, however, it's not a risk that normally pays off, which tends to be the big problem with the friend zone. You end up with a guy banking a LOT on a woman growing to love him over time, which just doesn't happen enough for the strategy to be worth it.

 

[Haydyn]

She has a boyfriend and it doesn't bother me because he treats her like gold.

(...) I guess girls just like guys that fuck them, treat them like shit, get them pregant, and leave.

Hmmmmmmm.

Rofl waffles, you haven't seen her exes or the guys other girls I know date.

 

[Arsen]

It comes down to one simple fact:

Women have more options than men typically due. Hence the "guy friend" will often want more than just a mere friendship, but overall I agree with the OP. The "Friend Zone" is male concept centered around making the female seem like the bad person, as if she is obligated to date you, have sex with you, etc...just because you don't have the options that she does.

And yeah, a good amount of people who view themselves as "confident, intelligent, humble human beings" aren't necessarily within their own league here and there. To make matters worse, they perceive themselves are higher than what they are... I used to do this quite a bit. Then I realized that ultimately, my views on the matter were shallow and self-catering.

Even then, a good portion of people view themselves as more good looking than they actually are.

Now I just don't give a shit about looks at all. If someone isn't going to give me consideration based upon my looks alone then I immediately conclude they aren't simply worth my time if they only skim the surface of the dating requirements. Some hold onto old mentalities and it never leaves because it empowers them, yet others truly do humble themselves as time goes on.

Shrug.
Make what you want of it.

 

[Micalas]

This is why I only have one female friend. I have enough friends, I don't need more. Especially not ones that expect from you the emotional support of a boyfriend without the benefits.

The reason you have only one female friend is because you see it as a chore. If you think that girls are too much effort 'cos they spend so much time crying, you're not gonna have many who bother with your time.

OT: The friend zone is, to me, when things would just be weird. I've never had to tell a guy that they're in the friend zone, cause it's usually mutual: I have a couple of guy friends who qualify, and we're more like brother and sister. Getting physical would be like trying to trying to get with my brother, y'know?

(captcha: riallase calmly)

I don't see having a female friend as a chore. I see having a girl that I like as a friend as a chore. I didn't ask a girl to dinner or the movies because I wanted to start a friendship. I wouldn't have asked her out on a date if I wanted a friendship. My one female friend was not one I asked out. As such she is and has always been seen as a friend. I'm more than willing to give her emotional support when she's having problems because that's what I do as a friend. I am not interested, however, in having a friendship with a girl who turns me down.

I'm not saying she had to say yes. That's her decision. But I had one reason for talk to her and she doesn't want that. As such, our business is concluded.

 

[Chemical Alia]

That's not what I'm talking about. I was talking about a situation where a guy was absolutely showering the girl with attention, and clearly wanted to be more than friends, and while the girl didn't want that, enjoyed the attention. I have actual female friends as well, and it's a very different relationship than what that post was talking about. It doesn't help that the guy I was quoting accidentally deleted his post; it makes more sense in context.

Edit: Actually, what I was talking about was a combination of what I described above, and what was actually going on in the post I quoted. Apparently, the poor guy was friends with this girl, and neither one of them wanted to be more than that. However, if she was going through a rough time, she would go over to his house, and they would cuddle. She even called him her "cuddle buddy." The first time he had a bad day and needed the same thing in return, she got upset, because she apparently considered it a one way deal. I wish I could remember the exact wording; it ended with a pun on the word "used."

Ah okay, gotcha. That context is definitely helpful.