Female Perspective - Friend Zone

[Doclector]

Okay, here is the thing that truly bothers men about the friend zone, okay? Y'all better be listening, both women and misinformed males, because I ain't saying this twice.

The friend zone is not hell, in fact in can be pretty nice. However, you usually aren't sent to the friend zone. Not in my experience, anyway, and whilst I can't be sure, I'm guessing slot of people, possibly of both genders, will agree here; it is truly the fuck off zone 80% of the time. After the whole friend speech, the speech giver will probably avoid and isolate you.

Now, on rare occasion, you are genuinely friends. Which is nice.

So...friend zone=nice. Fuck off zone=for usage by people too cowardly to say they hate you.

Have we all got that? Good. Now if you excuse me, I have to get back to watching Richard Pryor.

 

[teh_v]

To High and Owyn: I'm enjoying your back and forth it's interesting to always see a girl perspective with dating stuff, High. Yet what I think the problem is at least for me is the friend zone is that make believe "what if" area that some women not all women put guys in for various reason and guys let themselves be put in that zone. Friend zone isn't "you're cool but lets just be friends" it's "you're cool but I don't RIGHT NOW want to be in a relationship so can we just stay friends" High this what I've had happen to me plenty of times. Also on the flip side most girls don't want to date their best friend or a good friend. Their best friend/good friends are where they go to get away from any sort of relationship problems they are having, why would they want to bring problems into their sanctuary. I've dated girls who were friends before but they were just friends I knew and hung out with not girls that I was close with. To be honest it's like someone said earlier its all about "why get buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" if your a unattractive guy with a great personality. A girls gonna want you for your personality not your body and if you give her your personality buy being that close friend she can talk to she never gonna wanna date you and be sexually close with you. She's getting what she wants out of the relationship so she's happy.

And to all the ladies who are mad because I'm assuming you only want hot guys remove yourself from that high horse. At least guys are honest about wanting a woman who is sexually attractive. If your choice is between two guys who have the same funny/witty/sensitive personality you love and one also has a body that you think looks amazing. I wonder who you're gonna flirt with... I know this because once I started working out a lot (to help me get over the girl I talked about earlier) I found more girls sexually attracted to me and flirting with me more. Everyone shallow just be honest about it and don't pretend like you're not. In the end everyone worse off.

 

[teh_v]

Okay, here is the thing that truly bothers men about the friend zone, okay? Y'all better be listening, both women and misinformed males, because I ain't saying this twice.

The friend zone is not hell, in fact in can be pretty nice. However, you usually aren't sent to the friend zone. Not in my experience, anyway, and whilst I can't be sure, I'm guessing slot of people, possibly of both genders, will agree here; it is truly the fuck off zone 80% of the time. After the whole friend speech, the speech giver will probably avoid and isolate you.

Now, on rare occasion, you are genuinely friends. Which is nice.

So...friend zone=nice. Fuck off zone=for usage by people too cowardly to say they hate you.

Have we all got that? Good. Now if you excuse me, I have to get back to watching Richard Pryor.

Nope the times I've been in the friends zone the girl starts talking with me more and it can be nice if the guy and the girl both don't want to move past the friends zone but if one party wants more out of the relationship then the friend zone is a painful torture of her talking about guys she likes and you wishing you were that guy. I know it's mostly guys fault for staying there that's why my advice "NEVER STAY IN A FRIENDS ZONE IF YOU WANT MORE THEN FRIENDS" leave or ask again til she leave or maybe just maybe something will happen.

 

[CompostWithin]

I still don't get this whole issue of being 'friend zoned'.
If you sincerely love a person for the way he or she is, it should not be a problem for you to accept that he/she is not romantically interested in you. If that's impossible for you, then obviously your feelings are not of a true nature - or at least not primarily for the person himself/herself.
And what reason would there be to not stay friends knowing each other's feelings? To my understanding love is a form of friendship of a higher degree. When you feel prepared to deepen a relationship you should be able to trust each other.


To those who think real friendship can only exist between members of the same sex:
We are still affected by gender roles - that way of thinking is exactly what keeps things the way they are.

 

[gallaetha_matt]

Friend zone. Pffft. I'd kill to be in the friend zone. All my old love interests just called the police on me when I tried to ask them out. I don't mind though, I'm an animal lover and since my ex-girlfriend rejected me she's adopted over a dozen rottweiler puppies that otherwise would've been destroyed.

OK I laughed at this, was that your intention or am I just a bad person?

Buddy, if you're a bad person then you've got a lot of company. Because everybody laughs at my pain. I just don't know how to make them stop - or to get their dogs to stop biting me.

But yeah, you're right I was making a joke *sniff*

This, a thousand times this.

This comic is awesome, not knocking it. But it does seem to subscribe to the notion that everybody gets one true love in their lives. Which is absurd. Everybody in the world either redefines their notion of love and romance or they die alone. In the end we all settle, because pretty much everybody has unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships. Nothing wrong with it, it's just how we are.

I think the relationship depicted in the comic is quite a nice one. If you're happy and in love most of the time then something must be going right. Every husband, wife, girlfriend and boyfriend must sometimes question whether they're in the right relationship. It's human nature to question our choices. But again, if you're happy for most of the time you're doing better than most other couples out there.

I'm not even saying this as a defender of the 'friend zone' or whatever bollocks lonely single men have cooked up to make themselves feel better. Because I reckon the dude (I think he's a dude anyway, hard to tell with stick figures) is in the wrong too. It's a manipulative way to go about searching for a relationship. Plus he's missing out on the all the amazing girls there are out there by just focussing on one poor woman.

But I'm just a cynical old bastard. If I thought for a second that there were people in the world that were genuinely happy it'd shatter my fragile world view.

I'm not even sure how much sense that makes really since I'm half drunk right now. But that comic has been rolling around in my head all day and I felt the urge to comment on it.

 

[5mj7R7yf4Dwr3gdZyyu9PeGNwYjlNrjzuh3iTXQG]

It's just that I realize that once they part with my friends I probably won't see them much and that I'm not supposed to bother them with my shit. I know they won't run into a burning house to save me like my friends would (and I would for them).

Actually, a situation like that is mutual; if you're not supposed to bother them with your shit, they're not supposed to bother you with theirs. If she's complaining at length about the woes of an troubled relationship, you are well within your rights to complain about the woes of being single.[footnote]You'd be surprised just how intimidating a burning house can be. This is a good thing as your friends might end up going down with you from smoke inhalation during their rescue attempt, or causing the professionals distraction long enough for you to perish.[/footnote]

I just can't shake off this feeling that "cool girls" (the type I'm (probably unfortunately) attracted to) are like Cartman followers in "You have 0 friends" episode of South Park: once your stocks go down, they'll dump you without [hesitation].

This, my friend, is a strong indication that you need to redefine what you call cool.

Besides what's the point of being friends instead of being lovers with an attractive girl and what's the point in hanging around ugly women (maybe I'm yet to see a woman with fascinating personality, which I don't want to have sex with).

Because relationships (romantic or otherwise) are more than just the nookie. Frankly, you should be able to be friends with anyone, regardless of how uterus-enabled they are, though I can imagine if their hotness were distracting that could be a problem[footnote]Though this brings up a scenario: Imagine a girl who is your ideal of hot, loves to play games and engage in the same activities as you do, However, she's a carrier for a really nasty no-cure ultimately-fatal fucks-up-your-life sexually transmitted disease like HIV, and you will never, for your own safety, get it on with her. Could you be her friend? (If it makes any difference, she contracted it originally from a childhood blood transfusion.)[/footnote]

If you could only see a woman for her vagina, ergo, can only relate to her if she's hot, and then only sexually, it would be no wonder they wouldn't want anything to do with you. You have to acknowledge that they are human beings too, and require the same regard that we do our male buddies. Granted, it is a cruel trick of nature to hit our young people with such harsh sex drives, which served us well in tribal epochs in which rapine of neighboring bands was the norm, and ensured our species survive to civilization. It doesn't serve us so well now.

238U.

 

[teh_v]

From the master of the friends zone I'm here to say it is there it does exist and it sucks. Case and point I've been friend zoned before but the situation that caused me to NEVER let me be put in the friend zone is this.

-snip-

You got pwnd!

tl:dr = Nice guys finish last.


Anyway, I think your story is fairly typical (to varying degrees) of many "beta" males (that's not meant to be offensive, I'm just referring to guys who aren't terribly assertive, and are comfortable and content with letting others set the standard). It's an unfortunate reality that if you put other peoples' wants and desires above your own you're going to get taken advantage of. "Nice guys finish last".

Now girls, before you say "That's not true! I'd date a nice guy over a jerk any day!", we're using "nice" in different contexts. To use an example:

Let's say you're at a restaurant and you ask for no cucumber in your salad, but when your salad arrives it has cucumber in it. You call the waiter over, explain you asked for no cucumber and ask them for a replacement salad. Now, as long as you didn't abuse the waiter or anything, it's perfectly reasonable to expect to get what you ordered and there's nothing not-nice about asking for a replacement. A girl would have no trouble identifying you as a "nice" guy.

If, on the other hand, you said "I don't want to cause a fuss, and I can easily pick out the cucumber", you are putting the restaurant staff's happiness above your own even though they were in error, and it would be unreasonable if they got upset with you for asking for what you ordered. This is the kind of "nice" the quote "nice guys finish last" is talking about - people that willingly bear the faults of others, either through some misguided sense of duty or, as in most cases, a fear of or reluctance to engage in conflict.

Like most things, it mostly comes down to what experiences people had when they were young. If most of their experiences include fair, reasonable people then they're not going to see people as inherently unreasonable and don't expect there to be any conflict when they inform the waiter of their error. If, on the other hand, they frequently dealt with unreasonable, aggressive people in their childhood they tend to see people as being inherently unreasonable and aggressive, and so they DO expect asking for a replacement to be met with conflict, even though this is almost never the case.

I wonder if there's a correlation between child order and this personality difference. My older brother fits the former demographic, where I fit the latter. Could it be that my near constant interaction with an older, oppressive sibling was the primary cause of my irrational expectation of conflict? Probably not, but I'm curious anyway.

I totally agree. I try my hardest not to be like that anymore but it's tough to just change your nature. The reason I agree is one night, after I hung out with a girl and it didn't go the way i wanted it to, I did the dumb ass thing and called the girl I was talking about earlier half drunk... more like drunk. I asked her what happened and that if I was so amazing and such a great person and I was the standard she looked for in a guy why wouldn't she date me.(I know pathetic) The response I got back was what you said I wasn't assertive. I wasn't confident when I was around her. I always looked worried when we first were hanging out. I've asked a couple of other girls that tried to friend zone me why I wasn't dating material and that's the common answer. So yea beta male... as much as I hate the idea... you gotta sack up and take charge in what you do. Don't be an asshole jock but walk and act like you know what you want and how to get it. Even if you really don't.

 

[CrayKing]

A BIG problem with "friend zone" is that it is being used both as a descriptive for:
A) a relationship where one party has expressed romantic/sexual intentions towards the other, was rejected and still continue their relationship.
B) a relationship between a man and a woman, where neither actively pursues romantic/sexual relations with the other.

We have to seperate these two, since they are extremely different cases.
I can say for myself at least that I'm in a B) "friend zone" relationship with several women from back when i was in high school. If we consider the "ladder theory", quite a few of them are mid-high on the ladder. Nonetheless I have never pursued a romantic relationship with any of them.

You can argue that it might be because of a fear of rejection or something, and I'm not entirely confident that i can dispute that, but primarily I've build a relationship with these girls based more on entertaintment than attraction(Our friendship started with them approaching me). I've never had to be a "shoulder to cry on" for any of them, I've carried some of them home when they were too drunk, but I've done that for my male friends as well.

I'll admit of course that if any of these girls walked out of the bathroom naked and said: "you wanna", I would jump them in a heartbeat. Whether or not they have the same feelings about me(I've reason to believe that at least one of them had at some point) I cannot answer. Our relationship isn't based on rejection is all I'm saying.

I have tried the "let's be friends" repsonse before, but I've never been in this kind of "friend zone" since i just moved on after that.

My point(finally) is that we need to seperate these two kinds of "friend zones"

And no, Time doesn't seem to have a significant effect on "friend zones". It's just that the relationship has developed in manner where either part has lost interest in the other.

 

[Fledge]

I'm in the friend-zone atm, it's horrible.

 

[classygangster]

I havn't heard the expression 'Friend Zone' before, but I'm best friends with a girl and so I'd have to say that claiming to be friends with a girl is not ficticious. Not saying that this is your view - I get the impression I'm not fully understading the thread.

Other people I know go straight to dating, then end up awkward friends.

I'm not trying to be a creeper, but uhm who old are? Your response makes you seem really young...

I'm 19. I understand the situation, just havn't heard it called that before.

k sorry

 

[Sentox6]

Really, you'd be better off testing the theory with impartial data sets. Of which none are provided, so it's relatively safe to dismiss this theory out of hand because there is no evidence aside from anecdotes (that may or may not be factual, or presented in an impartial manner even if they are factual) to support it.

Yes, but you're missing the point. I don't know of any theory that can be tested with impartial data sets when it comes to inter-personal relationships.

It's not like confirmation bias matters in this case. People can choose to interact however they want. If they find this theory convincing - even if it only serves to codify their existing beliefs - then that's their prerogative.

 

[agrajagthetesty]

Let me put it this way: it's not just a certain type of guy. All guys are stupid when it comes to dating. It is inherently dishonest to leave that sliver of hope, not to mention cruel. Speaking from experience, it hurts a hell of a lot less in the long run, for both parties, just to honestly say no. And yeah, it is leading him on; by the time she friend zones him, she knows exactly what he wants. She keeps giving him a sliver of hope that he'll eventually get it, but he never does. How is that not leading him on?

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

At this point I think that our discussion has a lot of room for flexibility and depends on individual cases - sometimes there may be dishonesty and room for hope involved in the rejection, sometimes not. For example:

If a guy tells a girl he wants to date and the girl says "let's just be friends", that is a clear rejection, she is not dishonest, and any hope the guy feels is due to his denial and, in your words, "relationship stupidity". She cannot be blamed for that, nor is she leading him on. Nor is she cruel or emasculating him; bear in mind that she's basically said "You are physically and sexually unappealing to me", but in a way that hopefully also conveys to him that she likes him as a person. Personally, I'd prefer to be told that I'm unattractive but nice than to be told that I'm unattractive and with a bad personality. But maybe guys find it emasculating to be told that they are appealing, but only on an emotional level. I wouldn't know.

If a guy tells a girl he wants to date and the girl says "I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now", there may or may not be dishonesty there, but what hope that is left for the guy should basically be ignored. In fact, after being told something like that, it's unfair on the girl if the guy keeps hanging around, hoping for her to change her mind and not giving up on the idea of a romantic relationship. It puts emotional pressure on her to agree to date him, and that's not an acceptable way of beginning a relationship in any case. What the guy should do after being told this is accept it, forget the prospect of romance entirely and move on, assuming that if she ever does start looking for a boyfriend and is interested in him as a candidate at that point then she'll send him a signal.

Regarding your point that it's better to give a clear no - I already said that. See the second paragraph of my post before this.

 

[Chemical Alia]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

 

[SUPA FRANKY]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

 

[fingerbang143]

The Friend Zone; Where chicks leave the nice guys they complain so much about not being able to find.

So true that's why I treat the female population relatively poorly <3

 

[agrajagthetesty]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

Not emasculating though, is it? It's not pleasant, but it's not emasculating, and nor is it cruel since the girl isn't forcing the guy to spend time with her and he can always just stop spending time with her if he wants to.

EDIT: Also thought I'd add that just as nobody wants to be just friends with people they're attracted to, nor does anyone want to be more than friends with someone who doesn't interest them in that way. Looking at it from the girl's point of view, what else can she do in her situation?

 

[Chemical Alia]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

So I secretly want to be in a relationship with all of the male people I consider my friends, despite being content in a relationship already? Frankly, that's retarded.

 

[agrajagthetesty]

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

So I secretly want to be in a relationship with all of the male people I consider my friends, despite being content in a relationship already? Frankly, that's retarded.

Hold on, just realised you and I interpreted Franky's post very differently. Now I'm not at all sure what he actually meant by what he said. :/

 

[SUPA FRANKY]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

So I secretly want to be in a relationship with all of the male people I consider my friends, despite being content in a relationship already? Frankly, that's retarded.

????

Yes, because that is obviously what I stated as fact in my post. I didn't mean people you LIKE LIKE at all.

 

[Chemical Alia]

Edit: Do girls honestly think that friend zoning a guy can help preserve his self esteem? It's the most emasculating thing on the planet. There's nothing kind about it.

Why? What's wrong with a desire for friendship?

Because YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE!!!

Nobody wants to be just friends with people they like. Its the most frustrating thing ever.

So I secretly want to be in a relationship with all of the male people I consider my friends, despite being content in a relationship already? Frankly, that's retarded.

????

Yes, because that is obviously what I stated as fact in my post. I didn't mean people you LIKE LIKE at all.

If the only value you can get from a friendship like that is sexual, then it's not really much of a friendship to begin with.