(Follow-up, more questions!) My girlfriend is depressed, and...

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

...keeps getting frustrated at me, when I'm doing pretty much nothing wrong. It's getting really frustrating. I'm trying to be understanding. I've suffered through depression before, though hers is definitely more severe than mine ever was. I've read no less than ten books on the subject in the last two months, ranging from memoirs to self-help books to more zen things like Wherever You Go, There You Are.

I posted something about this beforehand, but things have escalated and gotten more out of control.

I've talked to her for hours on end, and I've listened for even longer. I know about her past and her prior experiences with depression and abuse. I know about how she was able to finally get into good counseling (and how medication hurt her more than helped her, so she's against medication). I've gotten her into running and yoga. I've convinced her to go back into counseling, but it's still hard as Hell. I don't make her happy. She's said that she's never happy, and that she doesn't feel anything-- even about me. Her libido is nonexistent, and so I'm pretty much there with her as a friend who's suffering. The hardest part isn't even the lack of affection (though that is very difficult), or that she doesn't care about me (though it kills me), it's that nothing I do is even 'normal' anymore. For example, we'll be having conversations (or trying to), and I'll pause for her to respond to something I've said, and she'll just be entirely silent. ENTIRELY. She won't say anything. Or she'll say something like "oh, okay" or "yep." How do you have a conversation with someone when they aren't contributing anything? I keep trying different topics, anything to make her engage. She just won't. Or can't.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying everything for this girl. I absolutely love her. I got her the one thing she's wanted for years for Christmas, but I doubt she'll even care. I've cooked for her (I do that normally, but moreso), I've cleaned (ditto), I've tried taking her out and staying in; I've tried getting her to do more activities/be around people, and I've tried letting her have more solo time. I've tried holding her all night and I've tried sleeping on the couch. I could endure all of it if I knew she cared, I guess, but I have no certainty of even that. I just... I don't know what to do.

On top of all this, she's been getting really frustrated at me for no real reason. I realize it may be depression symptoms projecting onto me, but it's difficult. Tonight, when I was trying to switch topics and find something light and fun to talk about, I started talking about how they're making a movie (Dead Snow) about nazi-zombies. She said that was offensive. I asked her why she thought that, and explained that I wasn't following her logic. She said "I dunno," and stammered off. I explained that zombies and nazis were both really awesome. She questioned, "nazis are AWESOME?" and I said, "well, not ALIVE. But the only thing better to kill than a zombie is a NAZI zombie." She just faded off. After a few more situations where she just STOPPED TALKING again (ranging from talking about a book, to talking about Christmas, to talking about job activities and board games), I was getting ready to go, but she said (sounding sad and irate), "I'm going to go." I asked if she was feeling okay, and then I said, "well, I know you're probably not, but... you know, are you all right?" She insisted she was. I asked if I did anything wrong. She started to say something, then instead said, "No... not REALLY," which we all know means "yes." I said, "okay, well, you probably don't want to talk about it right now but-- if I did something wrong, can you tell me about it later? I can't fix it if I don't know what it is." I then wished her goodnight and she pissily said "okay, goodnight" and hung up the phone.

What did I do? What CAN I do? Ugh. Help.

The former thread was here: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.78816?page=4 But got kind of out of hand with people arguing back and forth. She still hasn't solved her existential crisis, and I've been unable to help her much. I just feel like shit. Sorry, I don't even know if there's a solution, I mostly needed to vent.

 

[TerraMGP]

I am retracting my previous statement based on something the poster below has informed me. Sorry. I was giving advice based on my own personal experience which is sadly not applicable in all scenarios, especially since I am not bi-polar.

I still maintain my advice about encouraging her to seek something beyond what we can immediately see and perceive though. That always helps.

 

[Darknessglow]

Bi-Polar Manic Depression. I'm almost sure that's what she has. From the details given it seems that this depression has lasted quite some time. If she's 'content' one moment and then the next ready to scream and yell at you on a constant basis rather than regular intervals (read; PMS), then its likely that from past experiences whatever they may be, are effecting her mental state. It could be chemical or simply deep seeded emotional trama. I can't say because I'm not her therapist, but if this persists she needs to seek professional help, otherwise its simply a downward self destructive spiral.

 

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

Well before I had mentioned she needs to start looking for something bigger, whatever that may be. However from the sounds of how it is escalating I think what she needs more is a real counselor who is going to take a long time and find meds because honestly, it is sounding alot more like a chemical imbalance. I still think looking for something more in life, even the act of looking, will help. However at this point she needs to find someone who will try to find a script that fixes her problem because odds are good her brain chemestry is off balance and getting worse.

Keep in mind though this is the advice of someone who has had chemical depression, not a psychiatric professional.

Yeah, I've had her see a psychologist. She's been going for two months, now.

Bi-Polar Manic Depression. I'm almost sure that's what she has. From the details given it seems that this depression has lasted quite some time. If she's 'content' one moment and then the next ready to scream and yell at you on a constant basis rather than regular intervals (read; PMS), then its likely that from past experiences whatever they may be, are effecting her mental state. It could be chemical or simply deep seeded emotional trama. I can't say because I'm not her therapist, but if this persists she needs to seek professional help, otherwise its simply a downward self destructive spiral.

She's not going manic then depressive. She's ranging from "numb" to "shitty." There's no overt amount of joy or mania. She's not yelling, just frustrated, and I really think that she's just angry at not being able to kick herself out of her depression-- therefore taking it out on me. That's my theory. Even when she's angry, she's not yelling, just withdrawing. Which is even harder. I wish I could make her smile. I just wish she'd grab me and hug me, or tell me she loves me. Just once.

 

[Darknessglow]

She's not going manic then depressive. She's ranging from "numb" to "shitty." There's no overt amount of joy or mania. She's not yelling, just frustrated, and I really think that she's just angry at not being able to kick herself out of her depression-- therefore taking it out on me. That's my theory. Even when she's angry, she's not yelling, just withdrawing. Which is even harder. I wish I could make her smile. I just wish she'd grab me and hug me, or tell me she loves me. Just once.

Being manicly depressed doesn't need the sudden change, it simply needs to be a span of depression greater than 3 months time with little to no cause. If a death or some trauma has occurred in the family a span of four months is required to declare the person depressed. I strongly advice you help her seek professional help if she has been in this "funk" for more than three months. Even if she is only angry at the fact that she cannot get out of her depression its only going to make her depression stronger because she's always so angry all the time about not being able to get out of her depression. Manic or not, I advice she seek therapy through a psychiatrist. These are basically medical psychologists. Anyone who you find prescribes medication as a last resort is best.

 

[Radelaide]

Honey, you need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that this is worrying the hell out of you. Ask her to take you to a therapy session with her.

Sorry I can't help more. *cuddles for you and your GF.*

@Darknessglow: She's not Bi-Polar. Or Manic Depressive as singularpathy pointed out.

 

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

She's not going manic then depressive. She's ranging from "numb" to "shitty." There's no overt amount of joy or mania. She's not yelling, just frustrated, and I really think that she's just angry at not being able to kick herself out of her depression-- therefore taking it out on me. That's my theory. Even when she's angry, she's not yelling, just withdrawing. Which is even harder. I wish I could make her smile. I just wish she'd grab me and hug me, or tell me she loves me. Just once.

Being manicly depressed doesn't need the sudden change, it simply needs to be a span of depression greater than 3 months time with little to no cause. If a death or some trauma has occurred in the family a span of four months is required to declare the person depressed. I strongly advice you help her seek professional help if she has been in this "funk" for more than three months. Even if she is only angry at the fact that she cannot get out of her depression its only going to make her depression stronger because she's always so angry all the time about not being able to get out of her depression. Manic or not, I advice she seek therapy through a psychiatrist. These are basically medical psychologists. Anyone who you find prescribes medication as a last resort is best.

Well, of course I couldn't diagnose her, myself, but from what I know of her and her situation, it's not like that. She's been diagnosed with clinical depression, but not bipolar manic-depressive disorder. She's with a psychologist right now, and has been for the past month or so, and she hasn't helped yet. Which is unfortunate. My girlfriend wouldn't do medication, period-- she had HORRIBLE reactions to the several few they put her on a few years back.

I'm just concerned, and I'm frustrated. I know she'll eventually start feeling a little better (her depression is, apparently, semi-cyclical) and all that-- but I'm worried that I'm spending all this time and energy and she'll just, I don't know, cut and run.

 

[Darknessglow]

Honey, you need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that this is worrying the hell out of you. Ask her to take you to a therapy session with her.

Sorry I can't help more. *cuddles for you and your GF.*

@Darknessglow: She's not Bi-Polar. Or Manic Depressive as singularpathy pointed out.

Is he in any way trained to point this out? Does he have any psychological background beyond the two months he has been reading?

My aunt is bi-polar manic depressant, her symptoms match point for point with the details he's given when she is off her medication for a two day period. I am currently studying to become a psychologist and have done extensive personal research on the matter. Can you say the same?

 

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

Honey, you need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that this is worrying the hell out of you. Ask her to take you to a therapy session with her.

Sorry I can't help more. *cuddles for you and your GF.*

@Darknessglow: She's not Bi-Polar. Or Manic Depressive as singularpathy pointed out.

*glomps Radelaide* Thanks. I have talked with her about this. A lot. I've talked about what it is that's worrying me, and she's talked about what's worrying her. We've had in-depth discussions. It's not too feasible to go to a counseling session with her due to the fact we live a few hours apart and both work.

 

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

Honey, you need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that this is worrying the hell out of you. Ask her to take you to a therapy session with her.

Sorry I can't help more. *cuddles for you and your GF.*

@Darknessglow: She's not Bi-Polar. Or Manic Depressive as singularpathy pointed out.

Is he in any way trained to point this out? Does he have any psychological background beyond the two months he has been reading?

My aunt is bi-polar manic depressant, her symptoms match point for point with the details he's given when she is off her medication for a two day period. I am currently studying to become a psychologist and have done extensive personal research on the matter. Can you say the same?

I can say that my brother is a psychologist, and his diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder. I can also say that she's been to three different psychologists over the course of her life. All three psychologists have diagnosed her with the same thing.

These people are all PhDs. Can you say the same? Please don't patronize me. I do appreciate your attempted diagnosis, but it doesn't match what the consensus is from well-trained individuals. I'm not looking for a diagnosis. I'm looking for support.

 

[Darknessglow]

I can say that my brother is a psychologist, and his diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder. I can also say that she's been to three different psychologists over the course of her life. All three psychologists have diagnosed her with the same thing.

These people are all PhDs. Can you say the same?

If she has Major Depressive Disorder, which in the instance that you've given this information I will agree with, then she still needs to talk with a professional on the matter. My earlier advisement remains the same. Simply sitting down and talking with her I'm sure you've done time and time again and no change has occurred. Get her help. I cannot state that any clearer. If she has has been like this for a while then she simply needs professional help.

 

[TerraMGP]

Honey, you need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that this is worrying the hell out of you. Ask her to take you to a therapy session with her.

Sorry I can't help more. *cuddles for you and your GF.*

@Darknessglow: She's not Bi-Polar. Or Manic Depressive as singularpathy pointed out.

Is he in any way trained to point this out? Does he have any psychological background beyond the two months he has been reading?

My aunt is bi-polar manic depressant, her symptoms match point for point with the details he's given when she is off her medication for a two day period. I am currently studying to become a psychologist and have done extensive personal research on the matter. Can you say the same?

I can say that my brother is a psychologist, and his diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder. I can also say that she's been to three different psychologists over the course of her life. All three psychologists have diagnosed her with the same thing.

These people are all PhDs. Can you say the same?

You know your being very rude to someone whos trying to help you. I know its a frustrating situation but while love and good will from people can help, but being given alternative things to look into is at least as important.

As for the people she has seen, have things gotten better? does taking some advice and a theory about what may be going on and talking to one of these PhD's hurt in any way? Your asking for advice, well there it is.

 

[Radelaide]

Honey, you need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that this is worrying the hell out of you. Ask her to take you to a therapy session with her.

Sorry I can't help more. *cuddles for you and your GF.*

@Darknessglow: She's not Bi-Polar. Or Manic Depressive as singularpathy pointed out.

Is he in any way trained to point this out? Does he have any psychological background beyond the two months he has been reading?

My aunt is bi-polar manic depressant, her symptoms match point for point with the details he's given when she is off her medication for a two day period. I am currently studying to become a psychologist and have done extensive personal research on the matter. Can you say the same?

Honey, I've been diagnosed at a Bi-Polar Manic Depressive. And I'm not. (I've been properly diagnosed now.) The symptoms of Manic Depression involve several high and low moments. It sounds like she's clinically depressed.

 

[jim_doki]

hey, this may sound harsh, but i've been through what you are about to go through and even though i wish neither of you any harm, i feel the following must be said:
Get out now.


yes it sucks, and yes it feels like a bad thing to do, especially now, but she needs help you can't provide and apparently isnt willing to take. this trainwreck is going to happen, and since you've joined these forums i rate you're health above hers.

honestly, it's not something a lot of people are able to handle. i certainly wasn't able to. If you're having problems coping with her not coping, you need to get out. im sorry

 

[Darknessglow]

Honey, you need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that this is worrying the hell out of you. Ask her to take you to a therapy session with her.

Sorry I can't help more. *cuddles for you and your GF.*

@Darknessglow: She's not Bi-Polar. Or Manic Depressive as singularpathy pointed out.

Is he in any way trained to point this out? Does he have any psychological background beyond the two months he has been reading?

My aunt is bi-polar manic depressant, her symptoms match point for point with the details he's given when she is off her medication for a two day period. I am currently studying to become a psychologist and have done extensive personal research on the matter. Can you say the same?

Honey, I've been diagnosed at a Bi-Polar Manic Depressive. And I'm not. (I've been properly diagnosed now.) The symptoms of Manic Depression involve several high and low moments. It sounds like she's clinically depressed.

Fine, either way this person we're trying to help out needs to get his girlfriend to seek professional help even if just for a short time. If I made an error then I apologize but it doesn't save the fact that she still needs to get with a professional on this. It sounds as though its been in this state for some time and she might need help getting passed it with more than a few kind words. I am sure you have done all in your power to help but its time to seek outside sources.

 

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

I can say that my brother is a psychologist, and his diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder. I can also say that she's been to three different psychologists over the course of her life. All three psychologists have diagnosed her with the same thing.

These people are all PhDs. Can you say the same?

If she has Major Depressive Disorder, which in the instance that you've given this information I will agree with, then she still needs to talk with a professional on the matter. My earlier advisement remains the same. Simply sitting down and talking with her I'm sure you've done time and time again and no change has occurred. Get her help. I cannot state that any clearer. If she has has been like this for a while then she simply needs professional help.

I hate to say you're not reading the responses above, so maybe you just missed it when I posted it. She's been going to a psychologist for awhile now. It's not really helping her. She's tried everything the psychologist has thrown her way. In fact, Yoga has been (by far) the most helpful thing for her. She's possibly going to switch psychologists this week, since it's not been helpful thus far.

Honey, you need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that this is worrying the hell out of you. Ask her to take you to a therapy session with her.

Sorry I can't help more. *cuddles for you and your GF.*

@Darknessglow: She's not Bi-Polar. Or Manic Depressive as singularpathy pointed out.

Is he in any way trained to point this out? Does he have any psychological background beyond the two months he has been reading?

My aunt is bi-polar manic depressant, her symptoms match point for point with the details he's given when she is off her medication for a two day period. I am currently studying to become a psychologist and have done extensive personal research on the matter. Can you say the same?

I can say that my brother is a psychologist, and his diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder. I can also say that she's been to three different psychologists over the course of her life. All three psychologists have diagnosed her with the same thing.

These people are all PhDs. Can you say the same?

You know your being very rude to someone whos trying to help you. I know its a frustrating situation but while love and good will from people can help, but being given alternative things to look into is at least as important.

As for the people she has seen, have things gotten better? does taking some advice and a theory about what may be going on and talking to one of these PhD's hurt in any way? Your asking for advice, well there it is.

I'm sorry, but there was a rudeness in the initial response. To presume that she hasn't sought psychiatric help when I pointed out that she has (and is), and then to insinuate that I wouldn't know her symptoms at all and would be brazen enough to simply self-diagnose? Again, it's the wording of the thing: "can you say the same?" comes off as attacking.

Her therapy helped in the past. It is not currently helping as it previously did. As I said, she's been trying a lot of things as per my advice and her psychologist's advice. She is adamantly against medicine (last time, every single drug they put her on made her suicidal. I understand her reluctance, even if I wish she would try to be more open to it). She WANTS to get better. She's trying everything.

That's not the problem. My problem isn't her attempts to solve her depression, and I'm not asking for advice on that. I already had a thread for that exact thing, and it degraded.

I'm asking, I guess, for support for ME and advice for ME outside of "get her help." Ways in which to be able to better deal with her depression and the effects it has upon me.

To clarify the mania thing, she doesn't get over-confident. She doesn't have a huge variation in the quality of her work. She probably has reason to get upset, and even then, it's not VERY angry or upset (much less than when most girls PMS). She is pretty introverted, so she doesn't vary in who she wants to see or not see. She doesn't range from laughter to tears.

 

[Radelaide]

hey, this may sound harsh, but i've been through what you are about to go through and even though i wish neither of you any harm, i feel the following must be said:
Get out now.


yes it sucks, and yes it feels like a bad thing to do, especially now, but she needs help you can't provide and apparently isnt willing to take. this trainwreck is going to happen, and since you've joined these forums i rate you're health above hers.

honestly, it's not something a lot of people are able to handle. i certainly wasn't able to. If you're having problems coping with her not coping, you need to get out. im sorry

Leaving her won't help her. It''ll make her feel worse. She's holding on to him. It's why she hasn't killed herself yet. Leaving her now, when she's the most vulnerable may do more harm than good.

 

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

Honey, you need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that this is worrying the hell out of you. Ask her to take you to a therapy session with her.

Sorry I can't help more. *cuddles for you and your GF.*

@Darknessglow: She's not Bi-Polar. Or Manic Depressive as singularpathy pointed out.

Is he in any way trained to point this out? Does he have any psychological background beyond the two months he has been reading?

My aunt is bi-polar manic depressant, her symptoms match point for point with the details he's given when she is off her medication for a two day period. I am currently studying to become a psychologist and have done extensive personal research on the matter. Can you say the same?

Honey, I've been diagnosed at a Bi-Polar Manic Depressive. And I'm not. (I've been properly diagnosed now.) The symptoms of Manic Depression involve several high and low moments. It sounds like she's clinically depressed.

Yes. I'm sorry you were misdiagnosed. What helped YOU through your situation, and did you have a s/o? Did you start feeling more for him/her at some point?

hey, this may sound harsh, but i've been through what you are about to go through and even though i wish neither of you any harm, i feel the following must be said:
Get out now.


yes it sucks, and yes it feels like a bad thing to do, especially now, but she needs help you can't provide and apparently isnt willing to take. this trainwreck is going to happen, and since you've joined these forums i rate you're health above hers.

honestly, it's not something a lot of people are able to handle. i certainly wasn't able to. If you're having problems coping with her not coping, you need to get out. im sorry

I know that, eventually, that may be the case-- but I think I can handle it. I think I can make it-- that's what I'm trying to find, though. A way to stick by her side and handle the side-effects of her depression.

Honey, you need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that this is worrying the hell out of you. Ask her to take you to a therapy session with her.

Sorry I can't help more. *cuddles for you and your GF.*

@Darknessglow: She's not Bi-Polar. Or Manic Depressive as singularpathy pointed out.

Is he in any way trained to point this out? Does he have any psychological background beyond the two months he has been reading?

My aunt is bi-polar manic depressant, her symptoms match point for point with the details he's given when she is off her medication for a two day period. I am currently studying to become a psychologist and have done extensive personal research on the matter. Can you say the same?

Honey, I've been diagnosed at a Bi-Polar Manic Depressive. And I'm not. (I've been properly diagnosed now.) The symptoms of Manic Depression involve several high and low moments. It sounds like she's clinically depressed.

Fine, either way this person we're trying to help out needs to get his girlfriend to seek professional help even if just for a short time. If I made an error then I apologize but it doesn't save the fact that she still needs to get with a professional on this. It sounds as though its been in this state for some time and she might need help getting passed it with more than a few kind words. I am sure you have done all in your power to help but its time to seek outside sources.

She is currently seeing a psychologist and has been for a bit now. She's experienced with them and this particular one (she's moved since when she was last in counseling) isn't helping much, so she's going to a different psychologist.

 

[Darknessglow]

I'm sorry, but there was a rudeness in the initial response. To presume that she hasn't sought psychiatric help when I pointed out that she has (and is), and then to insinuate that I wouldn't know her symptoms at all and would be brazen enough to simply self-diagnose? Again, it's the wording of the thing: "can you say the same?" comes off as attacking.

Her therapy helped in the past. It is not currently helping as it previously did. As I said, she's been trying a lot of things as per my advice and her psychologist's advice. She is adamantly against medicine (last time, every single drug they put her on made her suicidal. I understand her reluctance, even if I wish she would try to be more open to it). She WANTS to get better. She's trying everything.

That's not the problem. My problem isn't her attempts to solve her depression, and I'm not asking for advice on that. I already had a thread for that exact thing, and it degraded.

I'm asking, I guess, for support for ME and advice for ME outside of "get her help." Ways in which to be able to better deal with her depression and the effects it has upon me.

I accept and apologize myself. Its 1:42am as I type this message and some things might be slipping by me. If you're looking for advice for yourself then the best that I could suggest is attempt to not let her mood effect yours as best you can. Watching a few comedies on your own, get out just a hair more. Honestly unless I know who you are as a person better I can't really make the call on what you would or should do in this instance but if you find yourself going into a negative spiral then try to seek a more positive angle if possible. Its the best I can do.

 

[jim_doki]

Leaving her won't help her. It''ll make her feel worse. She's holding on to him. It's why she hasn't killed herself yet. Leaving her now, when she's the most vulnerable may do more harm than good.

yes, but to be honest im not that worried about her. as far as im concerned i see her as a sinking ship. i guess what im saying is im not sure how much help you can be at this point, and maybe its time to think about you for a change. I'm not saying this to be heartless, i've actually lived through something very similar. Yes, she needs your support, and yes she needs help, but if she's not gonna take it there's not a lot you can do besides watch the carnage unfold. I wouldn't want to go through that again.

EDIT

I know that, eventually, that may be the case-- but I think I can handle it. I think I can make it-- that's what I'm trying to find, though. A way to stick by her side and handle the side-effects of her depression.

there isnt one dude. im sorry but you either try to be this awesome boyfreind and fall apart yourself or feel like a heel for bailing.