(Follow-up, more questions!) My girlfriend is depressed, and...

[geldonyetich]

Your girlfriend's depressed? Excellent, the ball is in Rebound Man's court now!

Just kidding - you need humor. Actually, my brother has some pretty nasty depression as well. Tried to off himself a few times. Now, he's learned to cope a bit, and he has some meds that take the edge off of it. I know, it's like walking on thin ice sometimes, but it's not so bad - just try to be understanding. Also, if she's not seeing a shrink, that's probably something that needs to be fixed: depression can be treated, though it might take more than one try to find the right med. (When my bro was on Prozac he was quite optimistic about killing himself - whoops!)

I suspect the best thing to do about depression is to try to keep your mind off the stuff that depresses you. Depression is a deadly circle, you see: a person is depressed about something, they think about it some more, and they get more depressed about it. Keep thinking about it, and it gets worse and worse. When it becomes a source of endless pain, then they start considering ending it all. Try not to let it get that far. Forcing her to talk about what bothers her isn't the right way to go about it - you're reminding her to be depressed, you perpetuate the cycle. (No wonder she gets pissed off and doesn't want to talk to you sometimes, eh?)

The cycle needs to be broken, and that's probably something you can't do from the outside yourself with your clumsy means (mere human communication) especially if this case of depression is being reinforced by physiological attributes. If you're trying to be supportive, just be there for her if she needs it, if she wants to talk, that's fine, but don't push things. Don't even mention she was ever depressed if she doesn't bring it up. Buying her books with "Hey, you're depressed" in the title doesn't help. With the right meds and/or state of mind, she should be able to pull herself out of it, and all you need to be (should you so choose) is the boyfriend.

 

[kasp1001]

hey, this may sound harsh, but i've been through what you are about to go through and even though i wish neither of you any harm, i feel the following must be said:
Get out now.


yes it sucks, and yes it feels like a bad thing to do, especially now, but she needs help you can't provide and apparently isnt willing to take. this trainwreck is going to happen, and since you've joined these forums i rate you're health above hers.

honestly, it's not something a lot of people are able to handle. i certainly wasn't able to. If you're having problems coping with her not coping, you need to get out. im sorry

Yeah I agree, theres is nothing good that can come out of the situation. The fact she is starting to take it out on you just means its going to get worse. You have tried there is not much else you can do, say goodbye and meet someone less crazy.

 

[PlasticPorter]

Wow, that is really creepy.
Are you sure we aren't dating the same girl?

 

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

Ut oh, Porter. Do you live in Virginia?

 

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

Wow, that is really creepy.
Are you sure we aren't dating the same girl?

In all seriousness, though, how are YOU handling it?

 

[Kuweekee]

Hey, I think i have something that might cheer you both up. Get a pet. This might sound strange but get a pet for yourself and take it to her whenever you go and visit her.

Almost anyone i know likes pets, and pets are allways there if you need some quick attention. This will make you feel less alone, and if you take it to her she might get attached to the dog, and because she's feeling comfortable around a familiar living being, she might open up more to you.

I see the problem as being really closed up, like she's walling herself in. I have the same thing, although i have an autistic malfunction first and a depression after, she does seem to have the same reactions whenever i'm depressed.

I can't tell you how to deal with it, since that's personal and no matter how much you will tell us about the situation, we're never in it.

Another thing you have to make sure is that whenever you go to her in the weekends, that it doesn't become a drag. If you feel like that, don't go (let her know tho), and wait till she asks you to come again, this will make sure that she's ready for you, and really wants you to be there.

That's just my 2 cents, i don't have all the answers, but i've been through what she's been through. And fortunately i came out of it. I just hope she can do the same things that i could do that helped me through this.

 

[El Danny]

Your doing the best you can. You just need to hang in there and keep doing what your doing, and sooner or later it'll be over. When my freind when anarexic (completly diffrent thing I know)the only reason she listened to me when I told her how much it was destroying her was because I'd spent months and months before hand just listening to her talk about it, and asking questions about things I didn't understand.


This almost made me cry, I'm going though a simler thing witha good freind, but nowere close to that scale.

Good luck.

 

[edinflames]

singularapathy, I can't pretend to know the answers, but you seem like a very decent chap and you must really care for her to stay with her as you have. Try not to get dragged into the same negative spiral that she has unfortunately fallen into and keep trying to help her see the positives that are in her life (like the yoga you mentioned). I think for your own sake you should see as much as possible of the friends that help to keep you happy and remember there is only so much one person can do.

Hey, I think i have something that might cheer you both up. Get a pet. This might sound strange but get a pet for yourself and take it to her whenever you go and visit her.

Almost anyone i know likes pets, and pets are allways there if you need some quick attention. This will make you feel less alone, and if you take it to her she might get attached to the dog, and because she's feeling comfortable around a familiar living being, she might open up more to you.

So long as you're in a position to own a pet, Id say this is really good advice from Kuweekee.

Something that really helped a close friend of mine (and this can apply to both yourself and your S/O) was taking up creative hobbies just for the sake of it. She started painting and it makes her feel much better about herself, and after a few years she has even managed to sell a few. Speaking for myself, I find nothing more cathartic than finishing a new draft of my writing.

Oh, and don't ever blame yourself if things aren't getting better, remember that you're a good person and that you are doing your best; you have done (and are doing) all that could ever be asked of you and then some. Eventually, though not ideally, (and i don't want to sound harsh) you may have to move on for the sake of your own mental health; there may come a time when you still support her as a good friend, but have to start looking for a partner with whom you can mutually support each other.

I hope this turns out ok for you.

 

[Fridr]

I must say that I really admire your patience, you seem like that the best friend anyone could ask for. I have had a tendency to slip in and out of depression myself over the years, and I have learned how important the little things are. That goes for anyone, both the depressed person, those around and everyone else. To stop looking for happiness and just focus on things that make you (or her) smile, even though it's just superficial. It could be anything, like a funny-looking cloud, a pretty colour or that the temperature is more pleasant (or less unpleasant, depends on how you feel) than usual. This might not help much, but when you don't believe in a higher purpose (I'm an atheist too), it's important to look for a feeling of purpose in other things.

I do hope that you'll get through this, this planet needs more people like you.

 

[Losh Wi Thang]

"Even now, she has told me when I discussed it with her that the depression is making her numb and NOT feel, but that if a relationship is bad she normally feels a desire to get out of it (even when depressed), and she doesn't feel that here. So take that at face value."

Singularapathy, it could be that whatever your girlfriend was origionally suffering from has developed into a cycle of derealisation. It's when a person becomes so frustrated by the fact that they 'are unable to feel anything no matter how hard they try', that the anxiety that causes makes it worse.

Have you heard of regression therapy?

 

[kapzer]

Wow, that is really creepy.
Are you sure we aren't dating the same girl?

I said the same thing :/ Although I've mentioned my problems with my gf on here before >.>

 

[PlasticPorter]

Wow, that is really creepy.
Are you sure we aren't dating the same girl?

In all seriousness, though, how are YOU handling it?

well I try to point out that other people have it way worse (one of my friends has MS so his body is slowly deteriorating)
and if she starts acting gloomy for no reason I loudly point out that nothing bad has actually happened today and that she should save the complaining for when it counts.

But in all honesty your gf has the same little annoying tics that mine has
especialy like when you said how she hangs up on you.

It also helps to remind ALL girls and girlfriends the men are NOT in fact psychic and if you want us to know what you are thinking there is a simple solution, TELL US!! My incredibly manly intuition only goes so far

 

[Cahlee]

I'm by no means an expert, but my suggestions are, tell her you love her, that you're there to support her but that it isn't fair on you sometimes. That you need to know that you're loved as well. Tell her you dont want to leave her but that's it's been difficult on you too. That sometimes you need to be taken care of.

I hope it all ends up well. But sometimes you have no choice but to walk away. I wish you all the best.

 

[hypothetical fact]

Ditch her, there are plenty of less depressed fish in the sea.

 

[DannyDeparted]

I've been through a hellish stint of depression in my time, unfortunately enough coinciding with my final years of school, causing less than desirable academic results. When you're depressed it's like a black hole. As if all happiness, excitement or sense of enjoyment is ripped away and you find yourself doing the things you've always done that make you happy, but feeling no high. No calm before the storm. No sweet before the sour.

You end up wondering why you do anything at all, if these are supposedly the best times then are they really worth fighting for? It's just......horrible.

I got help though, good doc, few long-term meds to help get my mind ticking over properly again and slowly but surely was able to pull myself out of the pit i dug for myself. It was long since too late to salvage my school results, but it's never too late to salvage your life.

Soon afterwards i got a lovely, perhaps slightly psychotic girlfriend who stuck by me for a year. And now i'm able to see the light in the world around me...including a girl at work i have a massive crush on.

So the point of my crazed ramblings is thus: People can overcome these things and see the light in the world they've been missing. Whilst it may be hard to bear with her now, if you help to be her pillar of strenth through this time and hopefully through her recovery then i'm sure she'll regard you much higher afterwards.

I wish you the best of luck and pray her eyes be opened to the beauty of this world.

...geez that sounds hippy-esque

 

[mojojowjow2007]

Okay so I have a short attention span plus reading 2 pages about a emo ***** would bore me so Im just going from the OP okay.
It just sounds simply like shes a whiney emo attention seeking drama queen. I have dealt with them in the past and the best way to handle them (apart from teaching them some 9mm manners) is honestly just forget the *****.
You said she has no libido right, thus youre not even getting laid. So why bother? She just gets off on treating you like crap so you are just giving her what she wants.
Look, every single freaking woman I have ever met has some "horrible traumatic childhood" the only difference is some learn when to stfu about it.
Ditch the ***** and within a week she will come crawling to you. That or she will kill herself but well... you wont see me crying over spilt emo.
Go find yourself a nice fun girl who is not only trying to bring you down and screw up your life.

sum1's had a bad experience either that or your pretty lonely

you have my best wishes and i hope for the best in this dark time

 

[Sparrowsabre7]

Okay so I have a short attention span plus reading 2 pages about a emo ***** would bore me so Im just going from the OP okay.
It just sounds simply like shes a whiney emo attention seeking drama queen. I have dealt with them in the past and the best way to handle them (apart from teaching them some 9mm manners) is honestly just forget the *****.
You said she has no libido right, thus youre not even getting laid. So why bother? She just gets off on treating you like crap so you are just giving her what she wants.
Look, every single freaking woman I have ever met has some "horrible traumatic childhood" the only difference is some learn when to stfu about it.
Ditch the ***** and within a week she will come crawling to you. That or she will kill herself but well... you wont see me crying over spilt emo.
Go find yourself a nice fun girl who is not only trying to bring you down and screw up your life.

Uh, wow that's a healthy attitude to take, and insinuating a relationship's only good for sex is pretty offensive and almost certainly less than helpful. Maybe if presented in a less harsh fashion you may have yielded some decent points but at the moment you're coming off as a jerk =/