(Follow-up, more questions!) My girlfriend is depressed, and...

[insanelich]

Axiis: Just get out. You'll understand what avykins, in his own jerk way, is talking about once you're older. But you've still gotta grow before you can participate in this discussion.

singularapathy: Things to try are exercise, bright light therapy (mostly against SAD, but also against normal depression), adequate vitamin B and St John's wort (you'll find it in a herbal shop and some pharmacies).

But frankly, love her or not - pack your bags. If you do love her, you've still gotta accept it may go bad - and showing her you're prepared might be the shock needed for her to climb out. And if the love's gone - your bags are packed. Sometimes it's just time to give up.

 

[Fruhstuck]

I can only call it as i see what's here and in that example you gave i would think it would have been better to have dropped it instead of saying "what have i done?" in a different way
Avoid the confrontation instead of encourage it kinda thing
And i'm sure everything you've done is appreciated even if she doesn't express it
I think, whilst it's not exactly nice, the way way to think about it is: think about how bad she'd be if you weren't there
There's no way anyone couldn't appreciate the actions you've taken just for her

EDIT: i agree with insanelich though, for your own personal well-being get out of this thing

 

[Syntax Error]

I think it's time you dig deeper. You say you know about her past, maybe you should go on ahead and try to find the root cause of her problems. There must be something, anything in her head that makes her depressed.

 

[2SG God]

Dear singularapathy,

Your girlfriend has a problem that I I can relate to.

I was depressed for 4 years when I was younger and when I say depressed I mean to the point I could not even laugh at a joke without knowing I was just laughing (fake laughing)because I knew it was a joke. I woke every morning and went to bed every night depressed, I could not talk without questioning myself in my mind, I could not do anything without being depressed I was as low as you can go for years. I thought of killing myself ever night and cried myself to sleep most nights, but I had one thing stopping me crossing that line. My brother committed suicide when I was 10. I was 16/17/18/19 years old when I was depressed. I saw what suicide did to my family and this kept me from doing it even when I thought it was the only way out, when I was at rock bottom. This was torture.

One thing stuck in my mind shortly after his death. I was young when he died and remember thinking why? life was good at the time, I didn't and couldn't understand why on Earth he could have done this. I knew life could be good. And that one thought kept me going through my own personal hell. Rite up untill now, and it will never leave me.

I don't get depressed now (Im 28), well nothing more than an average person, in fact now I like to think Im a little more happy than most. I had my experiences when I was young, and its paved the way for me future. I wont stop now, nothing that happens in my life will drag me back down to that low.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. (this is true)

I can only give you advice as Im not a professional. And no two lives or experiences are the same. But I will tell you some of the things that helped me pull myself from the floor.

And sometimes the answer is staring you right in the face.

My first answer came with the realisation that Cannabis is a depressant. I was smoking it like trooper when I was young. At first it was an escape from the hell I was going through at home with my mother and fathers divorce. But two three and four years down the road it was a prison and probably contributed to my depression, anxiety and paranoia more than any other thing. This was me trying to be happy, thinking it would lift me but in the long run it was doing the opposite.
My girlfriend soon put a stop to that along with my heavy drinking. (remember both are depressants). It is hard for a young mind to give up something they think makes them happy. But I did it and soon realised the damage it was causing. I still drank but I took a further 2 years before I could drink with confidence rather than it being a release from the torture inside.

Your girlfriend is not in a nice place, but Im guessing she hasn't all ways been depressed?

I suggest finding something from her past that made her happy, this can be ANYTHING. Something from her childhood that she has not seen or heard or enjoyed for a long time. Do you know of any films she loved as a kid, any song she listened to or even a place she went, clothes she wore or even a smell she liked? ( this really could be anything)

Try to find as many things as you can. And keep introducing them back into her life. Look for a trigger, the smile is what your after, just one! See what works and what does not work, then take it from there. If you get one smile, then you know she is capable of more.

My Reminder of happy times:

My big reminder believe this or not was the soundtrack from Transformers The Movie. I was 6 years old when my brother took me to the pictures to see the film. I was the happiest kid on Earth back in 1986 and will never forget that day. My girlfriend brought the CD to my house out of the blue back in 2002/3. Its something I never thought I would hear again.
That soundtrack got me through days and days and even months of depression. It lifted me more than any one thing I can remember. It reminded me more and more that life can be good. If you have had one good day in your life, then you can have another.

Since I "got out" of my depression about 2004/5 my mother since died in 2007 due to alcohol abuse. And I found out last year my dad has lung cancer. The thing is even with this news I have never been as low as I was when I was young. Remember what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

If you can get your girlfriend to realise that life can be good. Then I think you can get through it. Just once, it will take hard work, but it can be done. I done it with help from my girlfriend and very little help from anybody else. And I believe if she does get through it she will be one tough lass.

I wish you good luck singularapathy and hope everything works out for you and your girlfriend.

Good luck,

David.

 

[RebelRising]

This might sound strange but...

Feed her (especially in these cold months) some chicken soup, warm applesauce, or whatever other comfort foods she may like.

Take a day off with her, settle down in the sofa and watch something shit funny (like South Park or Jeff Dunham).

Hide away sharp objects.

I don't know if your girlfriend has a stressful job (did you say in the OP), but these sort of things will definitely help.

EDIT: To 2SG God, pretty good first post.

 

[Bulletinmybrain]

Try getting her into gaming.

 

[Samurai Goomba]

Try getting her into gaming.

Double-edged sword. Depending on the game, genre and personality type (of the person playing), gaming can be either very relaxing, extremely depressing or any other choice in between. Gaming works to cheer me up sometimes, but other times it actually brings me down.

I suppose a session of Katamari Damacy might be pretty good for that kind of depression, though.

 

[Dommyboy]

Take your girlfriend out on a nice trip. Get her something she likes, have some fun. See something she wants to see. Social interaction can change a persons life very easily. Depression is not an easy matter, most people have suffered from it at some point.

This might sound strange but...
Feed her (especially in these cold months) some chicken soup, warm applesauce, or whatever other comfort foods she may like.
Take a day off with her, settle down in the sofa and watch something shit funny (like South Park or Jeff Dunham).
Hide away sharp objects.
I don't know if your girlfriend has a stressful job (did you say in the OP), but these sort of things will definitely help.
EDIT: To 2SG God, pretty good first post.

This too. Watching comedies and eating in close, friendly company can make you feel wanted and loved.

Good luck with the whole depression issue.

 

[Caliostro]

My my, depression... Never a fun subject.

Well, the first you need to realize is that there are only 2 reasons for depression: genetic or psychological. Genetic generally means something is keeping her body from generating or absorbing Seratonin (did she ever do extasy?), which is the substance that's generally used to tell your body you're happy. Lack of it means depression. Psychological means she's lacking something she really wants. There's something she wants she isn't getting, even if she doesn't know what it is, something she needs to say, do, experience, whatever.

In the first case she needs medication, in the second she needs a professional psychologist, because I don't know nearly about her enough to accurately extrapolate what her problem might be.

I will say a few things: sometimes being too nice is bad. People never know what they really have until they loose it, and if you spoil someone they will generally take you for granted... This means they don't appreciate what you do for them, because they expect it as normal, as "default"... Sometimes you need to show them what it's like when you're not there... Also, if you're doing all of this for her, and that means nothing to her, she may not be the person you convinced yourself she was... I know it's hard to hear, but more than depression, it might just mean you don't mean as much to her as you think you do.

That said, I won't be as crude and ignorant as some other poster and say "LOL SHOUT "EMO ***** HAUL"! AND DUMP HER!!". But I will say, if "all the above" do check, you should consider leaving her... If she needs something you can't give her and she doesn't care, you need to let her go for both your sakes... Because she will drag you down with her, and you won't be able to help.

BUT, as I said before, you need professional advice from a professional psychologist who accompanies her, maybe a psychoanalyst. The internet can only offer a friendly or unfriendly shoulder.

Goodluck.

 

[Alex_P]

If all else fails, get a new job and home.
...
Its a lot easier when you're in a dorm.

I actually found it a lot harder in a dorm.

I can quit my real job almost any time I want. As long as I don't make a total idiot out of myself in the process, it won't hurt me much: it'll take a while to find a new job but I'll have my savings and some health benefits and recommendations from my former peers. And when I got a new job I'd basically be able to pick it up like nothing happened. The worst part of the affair would be the agony of moving and the financial hit of losing several months worth of rent money because I'd have to back-pay a rent discount I got on my current lease.

In contrast, I felt absolutely trapped in college during my last year. The only good time to leave is between years. Leaving during my last year would've meant shooting myself in the foot horribly: a crappy record, months of waiting, trying to integrate into a social structure that had already congealed without me, ridiculous debt (most financial aid programs cover eight semesters only). I had to take particular classes to pick up distribution requirements. If I had somehow decided not to be a Computer Science major (not that I would've; I loved it), I would've had absolutely no chance of finishing that year.

So, yeah, I was moderately depressed (not really chemically, though, as far as I can tell) for about a year. It was horrible. And then I got out and got a job and it kinda cleared right up, actually.

No, as long as you make a decent wage and have family and friends who can support you for a while if something bad happens, a job is way better for "get out and move on" than college. It gets hairier when you're tied down with a mortgage but fancy jobs tend to have "relocation packages" that'll take care of that, too.

-- Alex

 

[Easykill]

All I can really think to say this time, is "Good luck". Hope it works out.

 

[Losh Wi Thang]

"No, what's regression therapy?"

Well, it's like hypnosis except it owns more.

Basically human beings have a conscious and a subconscios mind. The subconscious, stores anything and everything you have ever felt; regression therapy can dig up the source of a specific problem to the conscious mind in order to remedy a cure. It's like a daydream, you relive an earlier experience where you think and feel the same as you did at that particular time.

Regression therapy can cure fears, depression, anxiety, stress etc

Depression, anxiety and fears all have a cause.

And to be honest, somehow I don't think she understands what's going on with her either. Based on what some people are saying; if you mean that much to each other then I don't understand why you would have to withdraw simply because one of you is depressed.

Just try regression therapy first.

"Also, she has two cats of her own and I have a pet as well."

Cool, I have a horse.

*I don't.

I mean I've seen one before. It was brown and it had a big willy.

And nearly four legs. And I was selling it at bargain price.

 

[Erana]

If all else fails, get a new job and home.
...
Its a lot easier when you're in a dorm.

I actually found it a lot harder in a dorm.

I can quit my real job almost any time I want. As long as I don't make a total idiot out of myself in the process, it won't hurt me much: it'll take a while to find a new job but I'll have my savings and some health benefits and recommendations from my former peers. And when I got a new job I'd basically be able to pick it up like nothing happened. The worst part of the affair would be the agony of moving and the financial hit of losing several months worth of rent money because I'd have to back-pay a rent discount I got on my current lease.

In contrast, I felt absolutely trapped in college during my last year. The only good time to leave is between years. Leaving during my last year would've meant shooting myself in the foot horribly: a crappy record, months of waiting, trying to integrate into a social structure that had already congealed without me, ridiculous debt (most financial aid programs cover eight semesters only). I had to take particular classes to pick up distribution requirements. If I had somehow decided not to be a Computer Science major (not that I would've; I loved it), I would've had absolutely no chance of finishing that year.

So, yeah, I was moderately depressed (not really chemically, though, as far as I can tell) for about a year. It was horrible. And then I got out and got a job and it kinda cleared right up, actually.

No, as long as you make a decent wage and have family and friends who can support you for a while if something bad happens, a job is way better for "get out and move on" than college. It gets hairier when you're tied down with a mortgage but fancy jobs tend to have "relocation packages" that'll take care of that, too.

-- Alex

Well, I meant a lesser degree than what you're thinking of. I was just saying, "Wait till the semister ends, enjoy the break, then get new classes and go to another dorm." Still, You've got quite a point there.

 

[Grampy_bone]

I say ditch the *****. I may not know the situation very well or the people personally but I do know that people who whine about having *anything* are using a learned behavior to elicit sympathy and attention. Especially women.

Look, if a man has a problem and he tells you about it, it's because he wants your help in discovering solutions and implementing them. If a woman has a problem and she tells you about it it's because she wants you to feel bad for her. She isn't actually looking for a solution, she just wants to feel loved and cared for for a bit. She wants you to empathize with her. The Unending Depression Girl is this taken to the extreme.

Now I'm not saying she isn't actually suffering from depression, there is no way I can say that, but whether she is or not I just don't think you will ever actually be able to help her. Another thing I've learned about women is that the more you help them the more they tend to resent you. Weird but true. So back the shit off for awhile and let her realize how important to her you really are. If she can't see that then it's her loss.

Remember, when you place someone else's life and happiness completely above your own, that isn't love, it's co-dependence.

 

[Ago Iterum]

I had a bi-polar girlfriend last year. It's the most frustrating thing ever when they get angry with you for no reason. We had no relationship whatsoever, just her having a go at me constantly. And everytime I tried to break it off with her, she'd go on at me like I was evil. In the end I just couldn't take anymore.

It may sound bad leaving because of it, but I had enough trouble taking care of myself without having a suicidal girlfriend calling me every day asking where I was, what I was doing, and if I was with any girls.

I'm a loyal person, but my life was being ruined and I could feel myself being dragged down with her. She didn't need me as emotional support and a loving boyfriend anyway, she needed someone who wouldn't answer back that she could blame everything on, and take her anger out on.

I feel for you, but every situation is different. You just gotta do what you think's right.

 

[Samurai Goomba]

You know, I just thought of this:

Somebody mentioned a lack of Seratonin. Maybe you could go to a naturepath (don't know how to spell it, sorry) and get some supplements? You can take hormone supplements to help with things like depression, maybe treating the chemical aspects first would be the way to go. I'd try that.

That said, regardless of how much she's suffering, it's still healthiest for YOU to just get out. Get out now, before the big time abuse starts heading your way. Don't let this relationship turn into a dysfunctional one. Sometimes distance is what people need when they're in pain. You know, time for them to work things out on their own. I'm not saying don't care about her, love her, etc... Just maybe that time apart from her would be a good thing for both of you.

 

[Kuweekee]

I say ditch the *****. I may not know the situation very well or the people personally but I do know that people who whine about having *anything* are using a learned behavior to elicit sympathy and attention. Especially women.

Look, if a man has a problem and he tells you about it, it's because he wants your help in discovering solutions and implementing them. If a woman has a problem and she tells you about it it's because she wants you to feel bad for her. She isn't actually looking for a solution, she just wants to feel loved and cared for for a bit. She wants you to empathize with her. The Unending Depression Girl is this taken to the extreme.

Now I'm not saying she isn't actually suffering from depression, there is no way I can say that, but whether she is or not I just don't think you will ever actually be able to help her. Another thing I've learned about women is that the more you help them the more they tend to resent you. Weird but true. So back the shit off for awhile and let her realize how important to her you really are. If she can't see that then it's her loss.

Remember, when you place someone else's life and happiness completely above your own, that isn't love, it's co-dependence.

Grampy, If you actually read the posts that were made you would have read that she hasn't always been like this, and therefore not a "Unending Depression Girl".

Something that did struck my mind tho, you said it started about 3 month ago, which is exactly when the days began to be shorter. It could be that she's "just" in a winterdepression, for a lack of sunlight. This could be treated by Sun therapy. It might seem a little strange, but i have a couple of friends who also have this, and they always get cranky during the winter months, even with all the holidays.

 

[MSORPG pl4y3r]

I'v only hada little experiance with depresion but what I did to get out of it realy worked, The way I did it was I got a hobby thats it. Try to convince her to get her to get a day-to-day hoby or a job, somthing to ocupy her and take her mind off things, it worked with me it might work with her. Comedy is also good get her into a comedy series mabye. good luck to both of you.

 

[insanelich]

I say ditch the *****. I may not know the situation very well or the people personally but I do know that people who whine about having *anything* are using a learned behavior to elicit sympathy and attention. Especially women.

Look, if a man has a problem and he tells you about it, it's because he wants your help in discovering solutions and implementing them. If a woman has a problem and she tells you about it it's because she wants you to feel bad for her. She isn't actually looking for a solution, she just wants to feel loved and cared for for a bit. She wants you to empathize with her. The Unending Depression Girl is this taken to the extreme.

Now I'm not saying she isn't actually suffering from depression, there is no way I can say that, but whether she is or not I just don't think you will ever actually be able to help her. Another thing I've learned about women is that the more you help them the more they tend to resent you. Weird but true. So back the shit off for awhile and let her realize how important to her you really are. If she can't see that then it's her loss.

Remember, when you place someone else's life and happiness completely above your own, that isn't love, it's co-dependence.

Grampy, If you actually read the posts that were made you would have read that she hasn't always been like this, and therefore not a "Unending Depression Girl".

Something that did struck my mind tho, you said it started about 3 month ago, which is exactly when the days began to be shorter. It could be that she's "just" in a winterdepression, for a lack of sunlight. This could be treated by Sun therapy. It might seem a little strange, but i have a couple of friends who also have this, and they always get cranky during the winter months, even with all the holidays.

Never heard of Sun therapy before. Do you mean bright light therapy?

I live near the arctic circle, this comes with the terrain.

Also, melatonin (sleep hormone) supplements also may help - and in any case it would help her sleep better.

 

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

She seems to be doing a little bit better now, reading a bunch of Zen books and trying to incorporate those ideas into her everyday life. Additionally, she laid things out with her psychologist and her session went really well after that. She's been physically ill, but she seems like she's doing better emotionally. We'll see if this progression keeps up-- I'll let you all know.

In terms of light therapy, her therapist did suggest the sun lamps, but she's reticent toward the idea while trying other things (though she has been keeping it in mind, just in case).

Thanks to you all, again. The support here is phenomenal.