(Follow-up, more questions!) My girlfriend is depressed, and...

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

I'm sorry, but there was a rudeness in the initial response. To presume that she hasn't sought psychiatric help when I pointed out that she has (and is), and then to insinuate that I wouldn't know her symptoms at all and would be brazen enough to simply self-diagnose? Again, it's the wording of the thing: "can you say the same?" comes off as attacking.

Her therapy helped in the past. It is not currently helping as it previously did. As I said, she's been trying a lot of things as per my advice and her psychologist's advice. She is adamantly against medicine (last time, every single drug they put her on made her suicidal. I understand her reluctance, even if I wish she would try to be more open to it). She WANTS to get better. She's trying everything.

That's not the problem. My problem isn't her attempts to solve her depression, and I'm not asking for advice on that. I already had a thread for that exact thing, and it degraded.

I'm asking, I guess, for support for ME and advice for ME outside of "get her help." Ways in which to be able to better deal with her depression and the effects it has upon me.

I accept and apologize myself. Its 1:42am as I type this message and some things might be slipping by me. If you're looking for advice for yourself then the best that I could suggest is attempt to not let her mood effect yours as best you can. Watching a few comedies on your own, get out just a hair more. Honestly unless I know who you are as a person better I can't really make the call on what you would or should do in this instance but if you find yourself going into a negative spiral then try to seek a more positive angle if possible. Its the best I can do.

Is there any way to really attempt to not let her negative moods affect me, though? Or her lack of caring? Has anyone in here ever been depressed and lost feelings for their S/O only to gain them back at a later date?

Leaving her won't help her. It''ll make her feel worse. She's holding on to him. It's why she hasn't killed herself yet. Leaving her now, when she's the most vulnerable may do more harm than good.

yes, but to be honest im not that worried about her. as far as im concerned i see her as a sinking ship. i guess what im saying is im not sure how much help you can be at this point, and maybe its time to think about you for a change. I'm not saying this to be heartless, i've actually lived through something very similar. Yes, she needs your support, and yes she needs help, but if she's not gonna take it there's not a lot you can do besides watch the carnage unfold. I wouldn't want to go through that again.

I understand your position and appreciate the compassion. I know it's tough watching someone do something that is, admittedly, somewhat foolish. I, however, deeply care for this girl and I want to try to stick it out awhile more. I just need coping mechanisms to do that. I'm trying to do things on my own, but she's a big validation for me. It's frustrating when we're in a group of friends and others are laughing and enjoying being around me, etc., but she isn't. It's tough to think, sometimes, that it's not me, you know?

 

[jim_doki]

more than you will ever know freind

like i say, ive been through this before. look man, the only coping mechanism ive ever had that was worth a damn was a never-say-die attitude. It got me through it, and got her through it. its not great but its all you need

 

[Darknessglow]

I understand your position and appreciate the compassion. I know it's tough watching someone do something that is, admittedly, somewhat foolish. I, however, deeply care for this girl and I want to try to stick it out awhile more. I just need coping mechanisms to do that. I'm trying to do things on my own, but she's a big validation for me. It's frustrating when we're in a group of friends and others are laughing and enjoying being around me, etc., but she isn't. It's tough to think, sometimes, that it's not me, you know?

You're strong for wanting to stay and its admirable. Taking it day by day or even hour by hour is all that can really be done. If you strongly believe she can make it through this storm soon and you want to be at the end of that storm then ride it out, and as the old cliche saying goes, "go with the flow". Try to keep spirits up with a bit of comedy once and a while. Maybe you have a favorite stand up comedian you like or a movie? Just something to help you laugh after a stressful day. In any event, its 2am and I am headed to bed. Goodluck in your strides and be good to her and yourself.

 

[Zer_]

When you're talking to her, and she seems to not be responding, just say "Let's shut up and cuddle." It won't fix her issues but it's a quick fix kind of thing if things are starting to get bad.

If she says she's frustrated because she can't get out of her depression she's bullshitting you and herself too. I mean things from the past that could be traumatic shouldn't cause long term depression. It is a known fact that traumatic events can make someone more prone to depression.

When I used to be extremely depressed I would often find myself thinking about myself. I question my own beliefs about myself much like I'd question someone else's beliefs. Most people don't get depressed over external events. Even the death of someone close doesn't really cause depression. It's usually something that they don't like about themselves. There is no worse depression then not liking who you are, and what you achieved.

 

[SAccharing10]

Man she's walking all over you, I had a relationship with somebody similiar - she needs to either a) grow up or b) realise what she's doing is hurting you, if you let this continue she won't be the only one who's depressed.

 

[Radelaide]

Man she's walking all over you, I had a relationship with somebody similiar - she needs to either a) grow up or b) realise what she's doing is hurting you, if you let this continue she won't be the only one who's depressed.

Nice.

She's not walking all over him. It's not as simple as "Growing up". And if she's speaking to a therapist, she's admitting something is wrong.

 

[Yog Sothoth]

this is just me, so don't take this the wrong way, but i think you might need to consider moving on.... there's only so much that you can do, and if you're both miserable staying together, and you can't work through it, it might be time to seriously consider ending the relationship.

you can still be her friend if you feel that she needs your support, but she can not be a supportive mate to you in her current state. what about your needs? how much longer can you continue giving without your needs being addressed? sooner or later something has got to give, and if you wait until that time, the inevitable breakup will be far messier than if you end it now...

i know that's probably not what you want to hear, but if she is unwilling to take steps to pull herself out of this funk then you need to do what is best for you. if you continue with things as you described, she will likely pull you down with her. it sounds like you really care for her a lot, and that makes it all the more difficult, to be sure... but how long has this been going on? how long are you going to suffer, holding on to the hope that some day she'll change?

don't love someone for who they might be in future, love them for who they are right now, because there are no assurances that they will ever change.... people rarely do...

my wife of four years displayed some similar symptoms to what you're describing with your girlfriend... in the end, i had to leave her because she was incapable or unwilling to do what she needed to do become whole again. it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do, but i couldn't live my life waiting for her to come around....

however, the other possibility that comes to mind is that she is unhappy with your relationship for whatever reason, and this is how it's manifesting. i've seen girls act like this before, and many times it's because they're about to break up with you or they are trying to push you into breaking up with them. this behavior is also common with girls who are cheating, and is just a way to emotionally distance themselves from the people they are hurting and avoid the associated guilt...

sorry to be so negative, i'd like to tell you to hold out and keep plugging away, but it sounds like this has been going on for a while now and you're at your wits end...

this is all just my two cents, take it or leave it, it matters not to me... the only reason i felt compelled to weigh in on this is because it sounds so similar to my relationship with my wife. i know the situation is not the same, and that there's lots going on that i can't know about just from one post, but this is my advice from the information i have....

 

[Varchld]

I can understand how you feel about the situation and I really feel sorry for you both.
Honestly, I don't think there's much chance of a fruitful relationship, but there is some chance. For as long as you care as much as you do I guess you have to do what you can. Though staying by her though this doesn't make her obliged to be with you at the end of it all.
But it's damaging your mental health too, so keep that in mind and don't let yourself get dragged down because that won't help her at all either. Make sure you keep healthy habits and still go out more.

I haven't experienced heavy hitting depression but it sounds to me like the right medication could make a huge difference. You can't suggest or even mention it though, it's up to the psychiatrist she's seeing to talk to her about it. If you were to bring it up it would only cause trouble.

She knows by now how you feel about the whole situation, so maybe talking about it isn't a good thing anymore. She may feel bad and try to stay distant to avoid hurting you more.
Don't really avoid the subject but taking her mind off of things might lessen her mood somewhat.

 

[hungoverbear]

So, my girlfriend and I are both atheists, and we both have similar outlooks on life (i.e., there's no real 'purpose' to existence anymore than there is a purpose for a tree, beyond self-perpetuation and the survival of the gene). Whereas I view this in almost an absurdist and humored way, it's made her extremely nihilistic. She sees no reason to go on, and has become incredibly depressed without any purpose.

ok, no offense to you (or any other atheists) but do you think that the belief you two shared could have in fact triggered the severe depression? I mean that quote in itself is depressing enough, add someone who has a history of chronic depression and well you get the picture. Listen im going to be brutally honest with you, your situation is a ticking time bomb and something needs to change. In my opinion i think you need to swallow your pride, suck it up, and take her to see a holy man, be it priest, reverend, rabbi, or a hindu Brahmin (Buddhist priest). They could possibly help her see life in a different light and possible help, not cure, but help her depression a little. I also have had difficulties with depression, when i was a teenager i damn near attempted suicide, but talking to a catholic priest helped me out and opened my eyes up (and he didnt even try to convert me), my pastor helped me out when I lost my grandfather (again he didnt even try to convert me), and when i was thinking about suicide for a second time, I talked to a Brahmin who was the wisest man i have ever talked to. Trust me i am by no means religous at all, yet they still went out of their way to help me out and see life in a different way. I highly, highly, highly recommend you do this. At this point, you have nothing to lose, so why not? Good luck to you.
btw people: please dont start a flame war over this comment, im giving him advice, not philosophy.

 

[manicfoot]

Can I ask how old your girlfriend is? I was severely depressed when I was 17/18 and was pretty much like your girlfriend is now (including anti-depressants causing suicidal thoughts). It seems to me like you're doing all you can to help her, and staying as long as you have is admirable but I think you need to talk to her about your relationship and how she feels about you. Not knowing where you stand is the thing you're finding the hardest to cope with right?
Depression affects everyone differently, but I found that it completely numbed my brain and I had trouble articulating my thoughts so I got into the habit of killing conversations with one word answers. It seems your girlfriend is doing the same but you need to know where you stand with her right? First, I'd suggest you sit her down and try to talk about your relationship. Explain how she's making you feel and that you need to know where you stand with her. If she gives one word answers suggest that she writes you a letter about it and posts it to you. Maybe that'll be easier for her. It was easier for me anyway.

 

[Seydaman]

find a hobby that she would really enjoy that can take up a lot of her most time, i find when im occupied im not depressed.

 

[Samurai Goomba]

hey, this may sound harsh, but i've been through what you are about to go through and even though i wish neither of you any harm, i feel the following must be said:
Get out now.


yes it sucks, and yes it feels like a bad thing to do, especially now, but she needs help you can't provide and apparently isnt willing to take. this trainwreck is going to happen, and since you've joined these forums i rate you're health above hers.

honestly, it's not something a lot of people are able to handle. i certainly wasn't able to. If you're having problems coping with her not coping, you need to get out. im sorry

I've been trying to figure out how to say this and seem understanding about the situation at the same time, then I read a little further and found Jim Doki pretty much summed my opinion up for me. I'm quoting the first of his posts, but I agree with the others, too. The best thing you can give yourself is space and time away from her. It may even be the best thing you can give HER (okay, unlikely, but bear with me.)

Look, you've been an absolute saint about this whole thing. You've tried being doting, you've tried being supportive, you've even tried talking it out. You've done your best, and I don't see anything else you can do. It sounds like she's just tuning you out. If you keep going, you'll probably end up driving yourself crazy.

And as callous as it sounds, there are people in this world (not saying she's one of them, this is just an observation from experience) who CANNOT be fixed. If it's not one thing, it's another. There's nothing these people love more than an "understanding" person who's always there to be dumped on and snubbed. It MIGHT be (not saying "is," but "might be") that if you leave, she'll wise up to what a good thing she had and get her act together.

You can't help somebody who doesn't want to help themselves, and this may be that kind of situation. There's nothing more you can do (that I can see), I say call this one and get out for now. Maybe in a year or two she'll be all better again, but do you really want to take this same emotional abuse for another couple of years? With no assurance things will ever be different?

Edit: Oh yeah, and have a really serious relationship talk with her, too (like the other posters have said).

 

[The_Deleted]

Maybe all you can do is walk away.
I was a pretty miserable swine and the only thing that got me to pull my head out of my ass was my then girlfriend deciding she'd had enough after 5 years of emotional abuse.
I'm guessing you're still in your teens /early 20's and trust me when I say it's not just her life that's passing her by.
Tell her that the relationship is not what she wants becuase she obviously doesn't care.
That'll either give her a shake or you can be there as a friend. Either way, you need to take hold of your own life an stop letting her depression / bi-polar / head-up-arse syndrome dictate how two lives progress.

 

[Cahlee]

I need to ask you something... Did she start going to the therapist because she wanted to change, or because you asked her to?

 

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

Can I ask how old your girlfriend is? I was severely depressed when I was 17/18 and was pretty much like your girlfriend is now (including anti-depressants causing suicidal thoughts). It seems to me like you're doing all you can to help her, and staying as long as you have is admirable but I think you need to talk to her about your relationship and how she feels about you. Not knowing where you stand is the thing you're finding the hardest to cope with right?
Depression affects everyone differently, but I found that it completely numbed my brain and I had trouble articulating my thoughts so I got into the habit of killing conversations with one word answers. It seems your girlfriend is doing the same but you need to know where you stand with her right? First, I'd suggest you sit her down and try to talk about your relationship. Explain how she's making you feel and that you need to know where you stand with her. If she gives one word answers suggest that she writes you a letter about it and posts it to you. Maybe that'll be easier for her. It was easier for me anyway.

My girlfriend is 25. I am 23. We've discussed the relationship, and there are some promising things based on what she's saying and has said in the past. Back before this hit, she was sure she loved me (and she hadn't loved another person). Even now, she has told me when I discussed it with her that the depression is making her numb and NOT feel, but that if a relationship is bad she normally feels a desire to get out of it (even when depressed), and she doesn't feel that here. So take that at face value.

We do keep in contacts via email, as well-- we live like three hours apart and see each other on weekends-- so we exchange an email or two throughout the day and normally a phone call at night. THAT is what is making the conversation part particularly difficult. In person, you can just BE with a person, but when you're talking on the phone, silence is a killer.

find a hobby that she would really enjoy that can take up a lot of her most time, i find when im occupied im not depressed.

Yeah, she's involved in a lot of things. She bakes often, she goes out to a nature preserve to help out once a week, and she takes yoga. So she's got some hobbies, thankfully.

I need to ask you something... Did she start going to the therapist because she wanted to change, or because you asked her to?

Once she was depressed, I was just trying to get her to exercise and such, but she's the one who decided to see a therapist. She requested information from her PCP and I helped her find a few of them online so she could make an appointment.

 

[SecretTacoNinja]

I don't know much about this kind of thing... but I really hope it gets better for both of you.

 

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

I don't know much about this kind of thing... but I really hope it gets better for both of you.

Thank you. It means a lot (oddly enough).

 

[dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjsdf]

Tonight was even worse. I'm getting near my breaking point.

 

[ZombieFace]

I know its easier said than done, and you have probably tried everything, but really the only thing YOU can do is console her and be there, be someone to talk to and accept her out put with an input taking ear.

Her depression could be something she is subconsciously thinking, and dosnt even know it. a therapist will help.
Also being as you cannot really be face to face, staying in contact would help her, as in knowing someone is there. I dont know if you have texting, but even a nice little text every now and then will help.

Being someone who has gone through on and off depression his whole life, i can only relate to a certain degree, being that she is older, im unaware of her life, and she is a female, and as we all know females think very differently from males.

Really though, there is nothing major you can do for her, besides be there, and relate, which i have no doubt your trying your hardest to do, its something shes going to work out, and have to cope with herself.

I hope this helped even an iota.
goodluck

 

[ZombieFace]

Tonight was even worse. I'm getting near my breaking point.

There will be times when you just cant take what shes dishing out, and I know it must be hard, but she cant do this alone, I mean it is something she must face on her own, but you being there will only help her case.

Sometimes when people are depressed they feel as if the ones closest to them dont really feel for them, or even care, once again thats where you come in and let her know shes not alone.