Fortunately/Unfortunately

[Neonbob]

Unfortunately, you're not ready for all the screaming that will follow from eight babies.

 

[VoltySquirrel]

Fortunatly, your 8 wives are all considering abortion, which you support.

 

[Neonbob]

Unfortunately, the babies are unholy little bastards, and the abortions fail.

 

[VoltySquirrel]

Fortunatly, you put them up for adoption, and you never hear from them again.

 

[Neonbob]

Unfortunately, they all become serial killers, and the cops blame it on you for some reason.

 

[VoltySquirrel]

Fortunatly, you save yourself from more anal rape in prison by offing yourself.

New line: You are an innocent man in prison trying to escape.

 

[Neonbob]

Fortunately, you have managed to smuggle in an entire stick of dynamite.

 

[VoltySquirrel]

Unfortunatly, you don't have a lighter, and Red can't get you one 'till next month.

 

[Neonbob]

Fortunately, Jose can.

 

[VoltySquirrel]

Unfortunatly, the warden finds out about your stick of dynomite and confiscates it, beats you, and hands you the good book.
(If you didn't realize this yet, I'm ripping of The Shawshank Redemption)

 

[Neonbob]

Fortunately, you are able to make explosives out of paper, as well.

 

[zeroharpuia]

Unfortunately, you aren't very good at it and end up blowing yourself up.

 

[headshotcatcher]

Unfortunately the book's pages are made out of cotton (just like dollars)

 

[Neonbob]

Fortunately, cotton is good for making that standard-issue prison cot more comfortable.

 

[headshotcatcher]

Unfortunately your prison mates think so too and now you have to share the cell with 6 inmates!

 

[Neonbob]

Fortunately, none of them are interested in you.

 

[headshotcatcher]

Unfortunately they are interested in giving you knuckles to the head everytime you do anything

 

[Neonbob]

Fortunately, you have learned to play dead/comatose.

 

[headshotcatcher]

Unfortunately the guards have now prepared a quick funeral and burnt you to death in the kitchen.

New one: You have found a wallet with over one hundred thousand dollars worth of cash in it

 

[Neonbob]

Unfortunately, it also has a card in it stating: there is a group of snipers fixating on your head right now.