Funny Quotes

[jeremyTH]

What are the funniest quotes you have ever heard?

 

[DevilSaint44]

-You sir are drunk.
-I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill

 

[Labyrinth]

"Gamer chicks. Yes, we exist. Yes, we have boobs. No, facials are not a smart way to emulate 'boom headshot'."

 

[Noamuth]

Whoops. I was thinking serious quotes. Damnit.

"Don't worry, the worst that could happen is we all die. "

Jade Curtiss, from 'Tales of the Abyss'. Not so much the quote, as the matter-of-fact way he says it.

 

[jeremyTH]

My own:"I swear to drunk I'm not god"

 

[Lord Krunk]

-You sir are drunk.
-I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill

Oh god, Churchie is the best person to quote; besides maybe Paul Keating and Dylan Moran.

"That you Jim? Paul Keating here. Just because you swallowed a f***ing dictionary when you were about 15 doesn't give you the right to pour a bucket of shit over the rest of us." - Paul Keating talking to Jim McClelland (Former Australian Labor Party Politician) over the phone

"If, by any chance, the female genitalia had the ability to sing, it would sound like Enya" -Dylan Moran

"It's only funny until someone gets hurt... then it's hilarious!" - Unknown

 

[TommyGun465]

Interviewer: When You write your songs, do you think about the man on the street?
Sid Vicious: No. Ive met the man on the street. hes a ****.

 

[ninja chicken]

this happened to me not a while ago...

Me: hey!
Friend: I hate you.
Me: what?
Friend: Oh hey! nice to see you again!

 

[Ixus Illwrath]

Frank Sinatra once said:
"An alcoholic is someone that drinks just as much as you that you hate"

 

[000Ronald]

In the beginning, God created the Universe.

This has since made a lot of people very angry and has widely been regarded as a bad move.

-Doug Adams, from The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Doesn't get any better than that.

 

[6unn3r]

A CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine Sniper asked;
"What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"

The Marine shrugged and replied,

"Recoil."

 

[Reaperman Wompa]

A reporter went up to Ghandi when he arrived at England.

"Mr Ghandi, what do you think of Western Civilization?"
"I think it would be a good idea".

ooooooohhhhhh Burnnnn, that's right Ghandi burned someone.

 

[anNIALLator]

Another Winston Churchill quote - A woman walks up to him and says, "If I was your wife, I would put poison in your coffee!" Churchill replies, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it"
Also, that one about the Marine sniper was awesome!

 

[bassie302]

best in-game quote would be:
'I've seen mudcrabs fight fiercer then you do' (quest buddy when charging at an actual mudcrab)

out-of-game it would become:
'but I sleep with the raidleader'
This when in said raid the leader was switched halfway from the lady he meant to a 16-year old boy. Needless to say we didn't manage to do anything productive for the next 15 minutes because we were all laughing our asses off.

 

[mintsauce]

"In victory, you deserve champagne. In defeat, you need it."

- Napoleon

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
"I'm sick of following my dreams, I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later".

- Mitch Hedberg

 

[riftinducer]

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the ground without holding on."

- Dean Martin

 

[Shrifes]

Alright, awhile ago myself and my friend were getting off the bus and without saying anything to lead up to it I turned to him and said "And that's why God is yellow." (the colour nothing racial) He turned to me and replied with "That's Brilliant!" Another ten minutes of walking later he just blurted out "Wait! What!" in a tone usually saved for the response to "I have an SDI" after making love.

Kind of a long story but I enjoy it. Another one that makes me chuckle, between me and my ex.
-Her : "You don't make any sense!"
-Me : "In my mind, I do."

 

[KittywifaMohawk]

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

- Mitch Hedberg

That made me laugh so fucking hard.

I have one, on of my brother's WoW friends said this

"Alliance gives the chance to the little kiddies to be the hero they always wanted to be. Me being Horde, gives me the chance to punch them in the face."

 

[Auron555]

I saw an episode of Doctor Who that had a funny quote.
So this guy at an office building had been poisoning a woman in HR so she could be the bride/food of some demon alien spider thing, I don't really know, and when this is all found out by the Doctor, he remarks that "It was all in the job title: Human Resources!" The poisoner replies, "This time it's personnel!"

It was funny at the time, I don't think I did a good job explaining it thoroughly enough.

 

[ninja chicken]

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

-Peter Ustinov