Funny Quotes

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NonMagicPoet

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Aug 16, 2008
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"Southern gentlemen (played by Keneth Branaugh) are geniuses! Evil, Lincoln-hating geniuses."

"Ocular sodomy: they never see it coming."

"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."
 

Bulletinmybrain

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Jun 22, 2008
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unholy vagrant post=18.68890.646300 said:
Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course...
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

Let us cavort like the Greeks of old. You know the ones I mean. Hedonismbot from Futurama.
I love you.
 

String n Stick

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Aug 20, 2008
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Mitch Hedberg
 

NonMagicPoet

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rottenbutter post=18.68890.645954 said:
Just about every quote in firefly. I love them all so much I can't just pick one.
Zoë: First rule of battle, little one, don't ever let them know where you are.
Mal: [comes running in shouting and shooting] Woo-hoo! I'm right here! I'm right here! You want some of this? Yeah, you do! Come on! Come on! [dives for cover from an explosion] Woo-hoo!
Zoë: 'Course there are other schools of thought.
 

BreakAtmo

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Jun 26, 2008
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PinkyM44 post=18.68890.643416 said:
-You sir are drunk.
-I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill
Was this the exact wording? The way I heard it, it was more like,

- "Winston, you're drunk!"
- "Yes my dear, and you are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."

And continuing the Firefly-verse quotes:

Inara: "Mal, you knew my invitation wasn't on the level!"
Mal: "Well, now, that makes you kind of a tease, doesn't it?"
 

DevilSaint44

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Aug 16, 2008
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aRealGuitarHero707 post=18.68890.644640 said:
you've forgotten the greatest movie quote ever
"Surely you can't be serious"
"I am serious... and don't call me Shirley"

Airplane FTW
That one appeared on COD4 on epilouge
Spoken by captain Price
 

howard_hughes

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Aug 14, 2008
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this girl I know: "look those scratches from last night have already healed"
me: "Cool, now when I call you Wolverine It'll be referring to your healing ability and no longer your facial hair"
Her: "You B@st@rd!"
 

Reaperman Wompa

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Aug 6, 2008
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howard_hughes post=18.68890.648279 said:
this girl I know: "look those scratches from last night have already healed"
me: "Cool, now when I call you Wolverine It'll be referring to your healing ability and no longer your facial hair"
Her: "You B@st@rd!"
You win. On Nerdiness and Hilarity *salutes*.

How did she know who wolverine was.
 

The Blue Mongoose

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Jul 12, 2008
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not certain on wording...

"In the beginning, there was nothing. Which exploded" - Terry Pratchett in one of the Discworld novels
 

NonMagicPoet

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Aug 16, 2008
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BreakAtmo post=18.68890.648112 said:
PinkyM44 post=18.68890.643416 said:
-You sir are drunk.
-I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill
Was this the exact wording? The way I heard it, it was more like,

- "Winston, you're drunk!"
- "Yes my dear, and you are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."

And continuing the Firefly-verse quotes:

Inara: "Mal, you knew my invitation wasn't on the level!"
Mal: "Well, now, that makes you kind of a tease, doesn't it?"
River: My food is problematic...
Jayne: Girl's a mind-readin' genius and she can't figure out how to eat an ice planet!
 

Dahemo

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Aug 16, 2008
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Big Winston again:

"If you were my husband I would poison you wine"
"And if you were my wife, miss, I would drink it"
 

beeper21

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Aug 19, 2008
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Whats that glowing thing on your head? Is it a spider! AHH get it off! No it's a grenade!!!
Red Vs Blue
 

cael1111

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Aug 19, 2008
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Though i have to say I think all Dylan Moran quotes are pure gold this one always springs to mind

OH GOD!!!! What time is it?

It's only 6 minutes to 9

Is it? I thought it was only 7 minutes till were all F****D!!!!
 

howard_hughes

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Aug 14, 2008
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Reaperman Wompa post=18.68890.648291 said:
howard_hughes post=18.68890.648279 said:
this girl I know: "look those scratches from last night have already healed"
me: "Cool, now when I call you Wolverine It'll be referring to your healing ability and no longer your facial hair"
Her: "You B@st@rd!"
You win. On Nerdiness and Hilarity *salutes*.

How did she know who wolverine was.
why thank you. probably the Xmen movies
 

Mostly Harmless

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Aug 11, 2008
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"You can do anything, but not everything."
?David Allen

"Most of our imports come from other countries."
-George W. Bush

"Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world."
?Lily Tomlin

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
?Oscar Wilde
"If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us."
?Anon
It's redundant but it's true.
 

Bobbert116

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Aug 4, 2008
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There's a Futurama episode in which the group bets on who is the best fisherman.

Leela: Aha! [She throws the harpoon and starts pulling it in.] Gather round, chumps! I got the winner!
[An old boot comes out of the water on the end of the harpoon.]
Amy: Oh, so this is where you shop for your boots?
[Leela tries again with the harpoon.]
Leela: Bingo! Whatever it is, it's 20 times heavier than a boot.
[She pulls out a crate marked "Boots 10 Pair".]