Girls and Pity
- Thread starter Vorpals
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Have you ever considered that her being friendly to you doesn't have anything to do with your social position, but rather a conscious or unconscious desire for her to be socially accepted by everyone? It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you, but you're just a person who doesn't normally socialize with her so she wants to be more accepted by you as she is by everyone else.
I just imagine that last bit (saw some wood in the garage) being said by Eddie Izzard.Ken Korda said:
Personally, my ambiguous girl problems involved being accosted and licked in the ear by one of them. WTF does THAT mean?
Next time you see her, just drop in a compliment or something. Look out for if shes done her hair differently, if shes wearing new shoes or something. Noticing little things like that and commenting on them show her that you're paying attention.
Also, see if you can find an excuse to touch her, just like a little touch on the arm or something (you dont have to grab her ass, just a tiny bit of contact). Or comment on her hair and touch it (important; DONT mess her hair up, just a teeny touch). Watch carefully as you make the contact; if she's not interested, it will probably show; she might pull away, see if she smiles more or less, watch her body language. If she IS interested, then she probably won't mind.
Also, see if you can find an excuse to touch her, just like a little touch on the arm or something (you dont have to grab her ass, just a tiny bit of contact). Or comment on her hair and touch it (important; DONT mess her hair up, just a teeny touch). Watch carefully as you make the contact; if she's not interested, it will probably show; she might pull away, see if she smiles more or less, watch her body language. If she IS interested, then she probably won't mind.
My GF uses that about one utterance per sentence when talking about me. She calls me "nommie bear", "cuttie cute cuttie you", "Snuggles", "cuddly", "cuddles" and does say "awwww"...Jordan Deam said:
I fear for my masculinity occassionally.
Yeah well...IT'S NOT MY ULTIMATE AIM, and don't go insisting that just because I'm a guy, I want to bang every girl that I like. I want companionship and a meaningful relationship, not sex. If marriage comes down the road, then sex comes with it. For me, sex is just sort of a bonus that comes with marriage...I don't ask girls out because I ultimately want to sleep with them.Hellion25 said:It doesn't, but she will know thats your ultimate aim, and if she's not interested in the same at some point, then things aren't going to progress in that fashion. I think theres some old saying that Women know within a few seconds of meeting someone whether they would sleep with them or not. Dunno if thats true, but in either case it leaves us guys screwed, either literally or figuratively.willard3 said:This is sort of off-topic...but who the hell decreed that "going out" means "having sex with"? I'm pretty sure that's why I've been turned down in the past...as in, the girl doesn't want to have sex and thinks I do, when all I want to do is take them out to dinner. Stupid modern society.Hellion25 said:I think this is pretty much everytime you're not someone she wants to go out with. After all I can bet she needs you a lot less than you want her, plus she knows you want to do naughty things to her and finds humour in this fact
How good-looking do you think you are? That's a big factor in the difference between friendship and lust. People generally aren't nice to people they pity. If this other person is really disliked by the entire grade, then his incident is an exception. Hugs, however, don't imply lust. Hanging onto you while you walk or something, however, is.
If someone is genuinely interested in you and what you have to say, their body language will be open and tend to mirror yours - after a couple of minutes of conversation, if you change position to lean against a wall, or put one foot slightly forwards, if she follows you it is a sign that she is genuinely in tune with you.
Someone who is forcing themselves to speak to you and isn't really interested in what you say will keep up a position that is more defensive, such as arms crossed in front as a barrier, body/feet turned away from you, etc. Looking you in the eye, responding to what you say with appropriate expressions show that she is listening to what you say.
Make sure that she isn't just nervous if she does cross her arms/look away a lot, she might be really interested but likes you so much that she gets a bit fidgety - this will be easy to distinguish from disinterest.
Making eye contact for a second or two, then looking away, then making contact again, is often a subconscious flirting move.
The large grin when you meet is already a good sign!
From what I can tell you might be your own worst enemy here - you are naturally pessimistic, and if she feels when she talks to you that you don't trust her reasons and are constantly trying to analyse her or figure her out, then regardless of whatever prompted her to start talking, she'll become uncomfortable when talking to you and she'll stop.
Bottom line - she's a human being, just like you are, and even if she has started talking to you out of pity, the first contact (often the hardest thing to do) has been made, and from this point on nothing is set in stone - you are more than capable of becoming a good friend to her, and from then on anything can happen, and you'll still have a good friend at the end of it all.
If she does pity you, change her mind! Show her that you are fun to be with, easy to talk to, and not someone who needs pitying. If this is the reason she started talking to you, then she is a good person who wants to help others, and a good ally to have in this world, whether or not you end up together romantically.
Someone who is forcing themselves to speak to you and isn't really interested in what you say will keep up a position that is more defensive, such as arms crossed in front as a barrier, body/feet turned away from you, etc. Looking you in the eye, responding to what you say with appropriate expressions show that she is listening to what you say.
Make sure that she isn't just nervous if she does cross her arms/look away a lot, she might be really interested but likes you so much that she gets a bit fidgety - this will be easy to distinguish from disinterest.
Making eye contact for a second or two, then looking away, then making contact again, is often a subconscious flirting move.
The large grin when you meet is already a good sign!
From what I can tell you might be your own worst enemy here - you are naturally pessimistic, and if she feels when she talks to you that you don't trust her reasons and are constantly trying to analyse her or figure her out, then regardless of whatever prompted her to start talking, she'll become uncomfortable when talking to you and she'll stop.
Bottom line - she's a human being, just like you are, and even if she has started talking to you out of pity, the first contact (often the hardest thing to do) has been made, and from this point on nothing is set in stone - you are more than capable of becoming a good friend to her, and from then on anything can happen, and you'll still have a good friend at the end of it all.
If she does pity you, change her mind! Show her that you are fun to be with, easy to talk to, and not someone who needs pitying. If this is the reason she started talking to you, then she is a good person who wants to help others, and a good ally to have in this world, whether or not you end up together romantically.
Jenny Creed: I know, but a little bit of some help is always good.
Matronadena: Tell me about, the social system is intensely fucked up, but the girls seem to have less of one than the guys.
Teisjm: I'm 14.
Bulletinmybrain: Touché.
Rascarin: Sounds like a good idea.
144: I don't really know, but I'd say I'm not the worst looking person.
Meta Like That: That's what I'm going to do, that idea has crossed my mind.
Bluesonnet: Thanks for the body language heads up, much appreciated. I'm very good at masking my pessimism, so I wouldn't worry about that.
Thanks for putting your time into this guys!
Matronadena: Tell me about, the social system is intensely fucked up, but the girls seem to have less of one than the guys.
Teisjm: I'm 14.
Bulletinmybrain: Touché.
Rascarin: Sounds like a good idea.
144: I don't really know, but I'd say I'm not the worst looking person.
Meta Like That: That's what I'm going to do, that idea has crossed my mind.
Bluesonnet: Thanks for the body language heads up, much appreciated. I'm very good at masking my pessimism, so I wouldn't worry about that.
Thanks for putting your time into this guys!
Well perhaps that is what they are picking up on instead. I didn't mean to come off as insulting or anything, but if a girl cottons on to the fact that you're not all that bothered about the physical side of things, then you better hope she feels the same way or you probably aren't gonna get too far. Its a case of finding the balance between pervy and friend behaviour.willard3 said:
As a female, I feel I must say something.
If it was pity she wouldn't talk to you AT ALL. When I pity someone, I smile or when they initiate a conversation, I lean in and nod and smile a lot. I never start the conversation. NEVER. I Pity you, I don't want to talk you!!
If she initiated physical contact, it's probably a sign she is comfortable around you and trusts you. I.E- Your friend material.
BTW: Is she popular in the school? If she is, she has no worries about what others think and will not pity you. If her other friend start to hang around you more, they might be hanging around you to get popular for you hanging around her.
If she isn't popular, she MIGHT be pitying you to get other girls to like her for being so 'considerate'. Otherwise, she also doesn't care what others think and genuinely likes you.
If it was pity she wouldn't talk to you AT ALL. When I pity someone, I smile or when they initiate a conversation, I lean in and nod and smile a lot. I never start the conversation. NEVER. I Pity you, I don't want to talk you!!
If she initiated physical contact, it's probably a sign she is comfortable around you and trusts you. I.E- Your friend material.
BTW: Is she popular in the school? If she is, she has no worries about what others think and will not pity you. If her other friend start to hang around you more, they might be hanging around you to get popular for you hanging around her.
If she isn't popular, she MIGHT be pitying you to get other girls to like her for being so 'considerate'. Otherwise, she also doesn't care what others think and genuinely likes you.
I am not going to say don't worry about it because of your age. But don not worry as much as someone who is 18+. There is no risk in asking her out, whats the worst that can happen? Her say no? I myself [thanks to these forums I have gotten more social] would take a risk and ask her. Depending on response, you can judge if she pities you or is even slightly interested.Vorpals said: