"Gordon Freeman fights Master Chief, Chuck Norris Kicks both their asses."
"Australian Game reviewer Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw reviews Super Smash Brothers Brawl, taken to the hospital immediately thereafter."
"If you read this, you will die in seven days."
"Majority of modern psychology revealed to be quackery."
"Fidel Castro dies, much rejoicing in Cuba."
"Chuck Norris acheaves Statehood, state folower revealed to be Mongolia."
"Pussies in UN replaced with men of action, terrorists worldwide piss themselves."
"Peter Jackson slated to direct 'Sword Of Shanarra', no cast revealed as of yet."
"Your mom is a hooker."
"Barak Obama wins presidency, Ron Paul still calaming to be in the running."
"Young man in midwest revealed to have an IQ of over 600, says young man, "Quit following me."
"Peter Jackson slated to direct 'Stephen King's The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger', Part of Roland to be played by Russel Crowe"
"Violent Media shown to decrese violence, most of modern psychology under question. (Seriously, who'd want to go to war after watching the first ten minutes of Saving Private Ryan?)"
"Your mom is still a hooker."
"Congress passes legeslation restricting Congress and most cabnet members to five two year terms, just like it was supposed to be."
"Super Smash Bros. Brawl comes out in America, thousands die due to excessive awesomeness."
"Judge Judy reaches new low; 'I don't care if the Pope is bleeding in the street, you do not run in front of a moving car."
(Speaking of the Pope,) "Pope declares himself erronious in saying only Catholics go to heaven after being beaten in a game of wits by young man with 600+ IQ."
"Why are you reading this when it's such a beautilful day outside?"
"Britney Spears found dead in apartment, everyone but Chris Crocker rejoices. In other news, Chris Crocker found dead in home..."
"People finally start ignoring Paris Hilton."
"Drug use at an all time low after Chuck Norris takes up recreational drug use."
"Disney admits to attempting to brainwash the youth of america, says executives 'And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that Logician and his stupid 600+ IQ."
"'The Simpsons' revered as greatest artistic acheavement in mankind, beating out contenders Duke Nukem: Forever, South Park and Da Vinci's The Last Supper. Matt Greaoning not at all surprised."
"Final episode of Lost airs on ABC. Fans still don't understand the plot."
"Machines taken over planet. Says machine; 'Earth is much better off for it."
"New fuel scource discovered, only to be bought by Big Oil. Says Big Oil, 'There was no new fuel scource, who told you there was?"
"Megaman, Zero, Scorpion and Chuck Norris announced to be in new Super Smash Brothers Title, Super Smash Brothers War. Chuck Norris's final smash revealed to be 'Six Feet Of Fun'. Fan's mouths are still agape."
"Current generation revealed to have an average of 50 more IQ points than the last, most intelegent people being neglected because they can't play sports" (seriously, the smartest people I've ever met were a carpenter, a redneck, and an irreverent, pot-smoking jackass, all three with IQ's over 200.)
"Sensable majority finally tells blathermouthed minority 'SHUT THE F*** UP!' Majority of cynics plesantly surprised."
Forgive me, I rant. (sorry)