Scenario: I'm currently in a point of my life where I've realized that having dreams and fighting for them is more than pointless: it has destroyed me. I've taken a university degree only to prove my father wrong. I continue to play guitar because I have a compromise with my band. I'm levelling up a WoW character just to prove that I can. I decided to give up on the love of my life because I had to come to terms with the fact that I'd never be good enough for her .I've decided to give up on a chance to fall in love with another girl in my class just because my best friend likes her too. I've become class delegate in uni just because no-one would do it.
I'm, in essence, no longer living for myself, because I've found that it brings me no satisfaction. I've become an automat, doing things not for the purpose, for the ultimate goal, but for the sake of doing it.
And now?
My cat just died. My 3 week old kitten, the only light that shined in my life, just died, when I could've avoided this. I had to pull her out of the water-filled bucket in which she drowned. I had to believe that I could resuscitate her. I tried to resuscitate her, thinking that my previous experience in saving lives that way could be of some use, only to taste blood in my mouth. Blood from the internal organs that had taken damage from the cleaning fluid in the water. I had to stare into her dead eyes, believing that they would look at me again with that innocent stare. I had to wrap her in her towel so I wouldn't have to look at her anymore. I've cried my eyes out. And it's not the first time this has happened to me. I cannot fully explain all the implications of this situation, all the feelings, all the reasons for me being so utterly shattered. I can't, I won't, I don't want to.
I just want help. A kind gesture, a helping hand. It's not much to ask, and at the same time, it's hard to console someone who's just lost someone. I understand that, some of you might even think I'm a fool for getting so worked up over a kitten. But please.
Just please. Help.
EDIT: Thanks to everyone who's replied. Honestly. It means the world to me.
I'm, in essence, no longer living for myself, because I've found that it brings me no satisfaction. I've become an automat, doing things not for the purpose, for the ultimate goal, but for the sake of doing it.
And now?
My cat just died. My 3 week old kitten, the only light that shined in my life, just died, when I could've avoided this. I had to pull her out of the water-filled bucket in which she drowned. I had to believe that I could resuscitate her. I tried to resuscitate her, thinking that my previous experience in saving lives that way could be of some use, only to taste blood in my mouth. Blood from the internal organs that had taken damage from the cleaning fluid in the water. I had to stare into her dead eyes, believing that they would look at me again with that innocent stare. I had to wrap her in her towel so I wouldn't have to look at her anymore. I've cried my eyes out. And it's not the first time this has happened to me. I cannot fully explain all the implications of this situation, all the feelings, all the reasons for me being so utterly shattered. I can't, I won't, I don't want to.
I just want help. A kind gesture, a helping hand. It's not much to ask, and at the same time, it's hard to console someone who's just lost someone. I understand that, some of you might even think I'm a fool for getting so worked up over a kitten. But please.
Just please. Help.
EDIT: Thanks to everyone who's replied. Honestly. It means the world to me.
