Hilarious lies you will tell your children.

[Shinsei-J]

When I was five my dad told me "Snot is just the dumb leaving your brain".
I personally think that this is the best line ever and I'm going to tell it too my children as well but I recently fond out that these kind of lies aren't that rare for parents to say.

So here's my question, what lies do you lads and ladies have in stock for your spawn?

 

[Shadowstar38]

If I do have kids, I'm going to tell them they are adopted, and that their real parents were murdered by carnival folk. Then I'll hand them my dad's WW2 pistol with a note written in red ink.

Sit back and watch the hilarity take place.

 

[Keoul]

I'd tell them slenderman is real, snakes live in the toilet, and any large patch of grass contains pokemon, you're just not lucky enough to find em cause they're endangered.


I'm going to become a terrible parent.

 

[Vault101]

that the army managed to take care of the zombie outbreak of 2012

 

[krazykidd]

I love you all equally .

Do i win ?

OT: The only thing i want a female child for is to scare the shot out of every boy she brings home . Have him sit down in the couch in front of me , look at him square in the eye , and say " So , what are your intentions with my daughter ?" . After that i'll give her up for adoption and i can die a happy man .

 

[Shoggoth2588]

I love you all equally .

Do i win ?

I see your love and raise you;

"Of course you were planned! Finding out your mother was carrying you was the happiest day of our lives."

In all seriousness I doubt I'll ever have kids...mainly because I'm male but also because I have a strong dislike for them.

 

[Evil Smurf]

I won't tell my children lies, I will indoctrinate them to love Macs however.

 

[Kopikatsu]

I'd tell them that Santa Claus isn't real. That way I get all of the presents while they get nothing.

 

[Amethyst Wind]

I won't tell my children lies, I will indoctrinate them to love Macs however.

That statement is a paradox.

*Readies flame shield* Come at me Apple-pushers.


I'll build elaborate lies for my kids, going into mentally-scarring details of just how Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Stork et al will find them. Wherever they are.

 

[Saulkar]

If they are opposing gender twins then I will tell them that they were born the wrong genders and that we had to switch them around through surgery.

 

[snowbear]

I will tell them that the earth is only 6000 years old, and was made by a man in the sky who looks a bit like santa!

 

[Tanis]

^That's going to be my household...

Beyond that?
Even if my kid is ugly, I'll probably end up telling him/her they're not.

 

[robot slipper]

My son (age 8) asked me the other day if there are "child prisons". I very seriously nodded and said that there are indeed prisons for children, and that children regularly get sent to child prison if they misbehave. He totally believed me, which I think is a good thing if it keeps him out of trouble.

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

I'm not gonna lie to my kids. I want them to explore the world by themselves and when they come across something they want to understand more I will tell them everything I know about it. And I'm not gonna tell them to stop doing something just because it's annoying. Kids should be able to explore freely as long as they're not putting themselves in danger. All kids are natural scientists. Parents just kill their curiosity and then we end up with Republicans and religious zealots. Not my kids. My kids will be scientifically literate and open minded.

 

[Wyes]

To take a page out of Zach Weiner's book; "Now son, 12 inches is enough for any woman..."

 

[snowbear]

I'm not gonna lie to my kids. I want them to explore the world by themselves and when they come across something they want to understand more I will tell them everything I know about it. And I'm not gonna tell them to stop doing something just because it's annoying. Kids should be able to explore freely as long as they're not putting themselves in danger. All kids are natural scientists. Parents just kill their curiosity and then we end up with Republicans and religious zealots. Not my kids. My kids will be scientifically literate and open minded.

I hope that doesn't mean you're not going to discipline your children for being annoying/misbehaving as that would be truly tragic!

 

[Pinkamena]

When they ask where babies come from, I'll just tell them that you buy them as building sets in DIY shops.

 

[Zack Alklazaris]

My son (age 8) asked me the other day if there are "child prisons". I very seriously nodded and said that there are indeed prisons for children, and that children regularly get sent to child prison if they misbehave. He totally believed me, which I think is a good thing if it keeps him out of trouble.

My Mom knew Santa's phone number. That was enough for me to behave lol

------------------

I will never do that to my kids except maybe when it comes time to sex. Its not that I don't want my child educated in sex its just I can't imagine sitting him down and saying "Yeah, I fucked your Mom."

I grew up with a father who loved to do that stupid lies shit. He told me:

The bits in the lemonade is just the skin of the workers who are getting the juice out of the lemons.

There is a restaurant called Taco Johns in my childhood town. He told me Taco Bell and Taco Johns were owned by two brothers who decided to split the company up.

I was terrified of a panther after seeing a really "scary" monster in a movie (It was Gmork from "The NeverEnding Story")

Spoiler

So my Dad told me that a panther slept in the shower at night. (I couldn't walk into the bathroom without someone holding my hand for a month.

He told me jelly beans was Easter Bunny crap

Theres much more, but I can't think of it all off the top of my head. The whole thing made me look like an idiot growing up, spouting stupid shit I thought was true. I was a smart kid (I figured out Santa when I was 5.) but gullible as hell.

 

[Eddie the head]

My uncle Mike told his first kid that it was the Easter pig not bunny. Even had a song with it "hear comes peter curly tail oinking down the piggy trail." Yeah my Uncle Mike is a bit of a dick.

 

[Bloodstain]

I won't tell them any hilarious lies, I prefer my children to be well-educated and not looking like idiots when they talk to others about what they think is 'true'.

I won't tell my children lies, I will indoctrinate them to love Macs however.

You are a terrible person and should be ashamed of yourself.