Hilarious lies you will tell your children.

[Squilookle]

I'll tell them that the celebrations to mark the start of the new millenium were basically New Years parties times a thousand plus Woodstock and the Moon Landing around the whole world, and all the planes fell out of the sky because of Y2K but we all just thought the explosions were awesome.

And Halley's Comet showed up for a cameo during the festivities, just 'cause.

 

[Terminate421]

Bears eat poop and bears live in the toilet so you need to feed the bears.

 

[McMullen]

I'm more interested in seeing what happens if you don't lie to your child. I think it's possible that many problems may be the result of the frequency with which we lie to our children all the time, yet tell them that honesty is a virtue.

Perhaps honesty is worth a try, you think?

 

[Ix Rebound]

Then, on their 11th Birthday, they will wait and wait for the letter to come, and when the day is over I will say, "sorry sweetie, I guess that you are just not magical, you have to work hard at school."

I will be the best mum ever!

you....you monster!
OT: ill probably continue the family tradition of telling them that when you get hiccups you grow taller!
but i hope that they will figure out its a lie quicker than i did...... i spent my first 11 years of my life believing her -_-

 

[Bat Vader]

If I ever have kids I am going to tell them that we used to have a ninth planet called Pluto. When they ask what happened to it I will tell them that the world got sick of it so we blew it up.

 

[TIMESWORDSMAN]

"I'm Spartacus!"

That way they'll never find him.

 

[StormShaun]

Bears eat poop and bears live in the toilet so you need to feed the bears.

I applaud you if you got that from Rooster Teeth. =D

I will tell them, "Always go to the religion and politics section of the forum, it is the best place to go."

...actually I don't want to ruin their lives, so I won't. xD

 

[el_kabong]

2 + 2 = CHAIR

 

[triggrhappy94]

I'll them about my adventures as a journalist in the late '60s, early '70s, and all the LCD, ether and mescaline that I did than.
I was born in '94.

 

[War Penguin]

that the army managed to take care of the zombie outbreak of 2012

No no! Tell them that they only got most of the zombies. And that there were some missing that are still wandering the earth today. It raises the possibility of another outbreak and giving the kid needless amounts of tension nervousness. xD

OT: Well, uh... yeah, that's what I'd do.

 

[Overusedname]

well...I'm transgendered. So if it ever comes up, I think i'll just tell them that the reason I turned into a girl is because I masturbated too much and it just fell off.

>:3

let's see what happens...

You're my hero/heroine for that line.

When I was little, I remember seeing grown ups use this symbol '&' instead of 'and'. The ampersand. I saw my mom use it, and asked what it means. She said 'and'. I asked if I could use it, and she said it was illegal for minors to use it.

Such a charming piece of bullshit. I think I'm gonna do that to my kids.

 

[Rose and Thorn]

I don't really see myself lieing to a child if I ever have one. I happen to be pretty honest to the youth, even if their parents are not. That doesn't mean I go around telling people the truth about Saint Nick or anything.

I don't think I would tell my own child that Saint Nick exists though. I don't find that cruel. Instead I would show them the fun, joy, love and passion in things that ARE real and won't go away when they get older. I would spend time with them and pay attention to them. Play with them and talk about all the things they have questions about to the best of my knowledge. All the things I wished my mother would have done with me, but never did.

I am sure I'll make a few jokes about life though if they are a gullible child, but not too many. I wouldn't keep the joke going for long though.

I don't know if I will ever be able to look after a child or if I'll want to, let alone be financially to look after someone other than myself. I would have to sell a book for something.

 

[Tilted_Logic]

I haven't given any thought to a topic like this.. I'm still not even sure how to handle Santa/The Easter Bunny.

I will be telling them what sex is though, because my mum explained the process of reproduction to me as involving a part of each of the parents growing into me. I, being clever enough to figure something out but stupid enough to be completely off the mark, lived for rather a while in fear of the idea that one day, when I wanted a kid of my own, I would have to cut my own kidney out and put it in a blender with someone else's.

I laughed horribly at this xD

 

[Surpheal]

I would be a terrible father, but I would be one hell of an uncle.

I would tell them all about the old legends of heroes like Theseus, Heracles, etc. and then tell them that those all really did happen. That there are actual monsters in the world, but people don't like to talk about them. I would train them to fear such other things as lycans, hide-behinds, and even the Slender man.

So yeah, I would be the one uncle who's an ass.

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

I I ever have children, which is looking less likely every passing year for a variety of reasons, I will not so much lie to them as indoctrinate them into a lifestyle that opposes the greed and pursuit of proffit for proffit's sake.
Teach them to pursue a lifestyle that defines happiness as obtainable through discipline, knowledge, and the pursuit of inner peace and strength of character.

After all, to pursue your interests, and grow into your own person, allows you to experience adventures, and experience life in a more meaningful way than "Go to school, fit pipes(or whatever other high demand reasonable paying job is at the time) till you retire, then move to florida(or some other warm place) and live the rest of your life in boring comfort.

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

I plan to always be honest with my kids. I don't want to be a party-pooper on this thread, but there are already joke answers here that are far funnier than anything I could come up with, so I might as well be serious.

The more my kids learn about the world, earlier rather than later, all the better as far as I'm concerned. I'll encourage them to be inquisitive and ask questions, and to the best of my ability I'll give them answers that are both honest and straight forward. Bullshitting your kids because you think they won't understand/won't be able to handle the truth just makes them look stupid then they believe you, and causes more confusion in the long run. I don't want to create 'forbidden fruit' scenario where my kids go looking for the answers I refuse to give them from less savory, less trustworthy sources than myself.

 

[an annoyed writer]

well...I'm transgendered. So if it ever comes up, I think i'll just tell them that the reason I turned into a girl is because I masturbated too much and it just fell off.

>:3

let's see what happens...

That's so simple but so damn devious. >

Anyway I was thinking that I'd bullshit mine (if I had any) by telling them that I'm the real-life incarnation of Hunter Gathers [http://www.venturefans.org/vbwiki/Hunter_Gathers] from the Venture Brothers and that everything in that show is in fact, real, and if they misbehave they'll endanger the entire family to grisly death by OSI agents. Then I'll have them watch Brock Samson during one of his massacres to drive the point home.

 

[Angie7F]

That you have to take off your shoes before getting on the plane when flying with JAL or ANA.

 

[Starik20X6]

I'll tell my kids that the whole world is a game of The Sims for some alien creature, who in turn is a game of The Sims for another alien, and so on and so on for infinity.

I'm going to tell my kids that Jesus was Black. also I'm white.

Being Middle Eastern and all would mean Jesus was, well, Middle Eastern, and certainly not the pasty white guy you see plastered all over churches. 'White' Jesus is a creation of the Renaissance painters, who just painted him the way they painted everyone- as a generically handsome white guy. So in a way, you're not lying to them so much as the only one who isn't lying to them.

 

[Mr Mystery Guest]

My mum said that when the ice-cream truck plays its jingle that means they ran out of ice cream.