Hilarious lies you will tell your children.

[Relish in Chaos]

I don?t want children, but if I did, I?d tell them that the Tooth Fairy molests them in their sleep.

 

[mysecondlife]

I'll just hype them up for upcoming Christmas presents during the season. When they open the gift, it turns out to be a can of beans or something.

 

[Azurian]

When they grow up they can be anything they want to be.

 

[Innegativeion]

"Lying is never the answer"

BYEATCH!

 

[sextus the crazy]

I'd tell them that Santa Claus isn't real. That way I get all of the presents while they get nothing.

I think I'm the only person in the U.S. raised w/o God or Santa claus. Worked out fine for me though.

OT: "I love you"

 

[sextus the crazy]

I'll tell my kids that the whole world is a game of The Sims for some alien creature, who in turn is a game of The Sims for another alien, and so on and so on for infinity.

I'm going to tell my kids that Jesus was Black. also I'm white.

Being Middle Eastern and all would mean Jesus was, well, Middle Eastern, and certainly not the pasty white guy you see plastered all over churches. 'White' Jesus is a creation of the Renaissance painters, who just painted him the way they painted everyone- as a generically handsome white guy. So in a way, you're not lying to them so much as the only one who isn't lying to them.

To quote leon thomas (from heart of gaming) "my Jesus is blacker than shaft in Africa". I agree with this sentiment.

 

[SamtheDeathclaw]

I seriously doubt I'll ever be the dubiously proud owner of a child (homosexuality kicks that in the mouth) but if I was, I'd show them the movie 2012 and tell them, "Oh yeah. Every adult you see today? They survived all that, and rebuilt the world to be like it is today. So respect your elders, they're all badass."
Yes.

 

[6_Qubed]

I will tell my kid that there are silent, invisible, child-eating monsters who hunt by tracking rudeness. I will be intentionally vague as to what qualifies as "too rude". I will name these monsters "Offends" and tell my children that when people say something is offensive or that they're worried about offending someone that they're actually referring to the monsters, but that we aren't supposed to talk about it because that would be rude.

I would also tell my children that student transfers don't really exist, and so if anybody at school "moved away" they were eaten by the Offends. "Moved away" is just a polite way of saying it.

 

[Knight Captain Kerr]

World War Z is historically accurate.

 

[OneOfTheMichael's]

that the army managed to take care of the zombie outbreak of 2012

How bout this for a story?
There was a apocolypse in 2012. Back when the earth had 27 billion people.
The world experienced a horrible plague that caused many to turn into zombies.
We defeated them but at a price...
All the dinosaurs who were our allies at the time, sacrificed themselves to save the rest of us by turning themselves to fossils in a effort to appease Odin.
We won in the end but the reason many people won't remember is because of the aliens.


Actually when i become a parent I think i'll be pretty open and honest with them.

 

[Muspelheim]

That the Draugr are real, and if they don't behave, they'll crawl up from the seas, sneak into their room and drag them off to a watery grave...

 

[Owen Robertson]

My son (age 8) asked me the other day if there are "child prisons". I very seriously nodded and said that there are indeed prisons for children, and that children regularly get sent to child prison if they misbehave. He totally believed me, which I think is a good thing if it keeps him out of trouble.

The only thing I dislike more than blatant attempts to placate children so parents don't have to parent them, is parents who abuse their children. How about you discipline the child for going against your wishes and reward him for going with them? It works for dogs.

OT: I'll tell them that they can do anything if they just work hard enough.

 

[blazearmoru]

I'll tell them... that they's a robot. In fact, everyone's a robot. We're all just programmed to be in denial. Then introduce them to DNA

 

[DalekJaas]

I will tell them that all of the religions are real and seemlessly fit together. When they get older they can start to realise how untrue that is and in doing so find out why each one is ridiculous

 

[M920CAIN]

When I was five my dad told me "Snot is just the dumb leaving your brain".
I personally think that this is the best line ever and I'm going to tell it too my children as well but I recently fond out that these kind of lies aren't that rare for parents to say.

So here's my question, what lies do you lads and ladies have in stock for your spawn?

That the Reapers once existed and commander Shepard saved us all by uniting the Galaxy. Then when he grows up and finds out that we barely traveled to the moon, boy is he gonna be as demoralized as I am... dontcha luv destroying dreamZ like that? *sadface

 

[JagermanXcell]

I'm gonna show my son/daughter the Roland Emmerich "2012" movie.
Me: You see that... I survived that.
They'll be so proud.

 

[The White Hunter]

I won't tell my children lies, I will indoctrinate them to love Macs however.

That statement is a paradox.

*Readies flame shield* Come at me Apple-pushers.


I'll build elaborate lies for my kids, going into mentally-scarring details of just how Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Stork et al will find them. Wherever they are.

Hey can I get in on this apple fan provocation?

Edit: I'll tell them that they can achieve anything. That's always a good lie. Sadly they'll likely be limited by being a touch apathetic and jaded due to being raised by me.

 

[Tiger Sora]

Well I don't plan to have kids, maybe it'll happen. But my two brothers are gona. And I'm gona spread so many lies and truths to them. And they can call me Uncle T.

I don't know what I'm gona tell em. But it'll be fun on the bun.