Hilarious Quotes From People You Know...

[(insert obscure reference here)]

"USE A F**KING SEARCH BAR" My friend said that while trolling the forums an hour ago. He came across a thread exactly like this one. No joke.

 

[Beartrucci]

One morning at school, some girl that sits at our bench looks up and says, "Oh my god I found out what Deja Vu is! When you get Deja Vu, it means that you have lived in a past life!"

She was being dead serious as well. I looked at her and said "Are you fucking serious?" and laughed my ass off.

 

[King of the Sandbox]

A roommate of mine once put a plate of rice in the microwave. When she went to take it out, I guess she didn't think the plate itself would be hot, so she just grabs it.

I, sitting in the living room, could see this.

She dropped the plate as soon as it was clear of the microwave, the plate and rice going all over the floor, as she notes in a totally deadpan manner...

"Microwaves make shit hot."

/stare

lulz

Now we use that as an alternative to "duh".

 

[JPH330]

One of my friends once said something that's helped me remember a vocab word for psych ever since:

"It's a Freudian dick- I mean slip."

 

[Aur0ra145]

Just tonight,

"A Citation is just a 172 on steroids, with jet engines." He was explaining why I should get a type rating in a Citation.

For the non pilots, this is a Cessna 172

Spoiler: 172

Spoiler: Citation

EDIT:

Me and seven of my friends, male and female, were playing Truth or Dare at a friend's house. Out of nowhere, my friend Jeff protests, "This isn't Truth or Dare, we all have our clothes on!" Sadly, it was true.

My friend once said:

"You want a sweet name for a heavy metal band? Click Random article twice on wikipedia"

I got Air Tractor AT-602. I think a band named Air Tractor would be the best band ever.

Dude, I fly into the airfield they make those at ALL THE TIME. They're freaking sweet airplanes. They're made out at KONY in Olney, Texas. Right next to the crazy gyrocopter man.

 

[Motiv_]

"trust me, you answer the door naked with a raw chicken in your hand and the Jehovah's Witnesses will never bother you again."

This is actually the funniest thing I've heard all day. Kudos sir/madam.

 

[Seerio]

My friends have said a few decent ones over the years:

-was that your impression of the sound your dad makes when he tries to put on a condom that is too big for him?
-probably has to go explain to his mom why his little brother got offered hookers and candy to go take pictures of his sister naked
-I hope i get a keylogger so then i can type in google "how to fuck a dog" and then they will know how to fuck a dog
-i will rip out your heart, stuff it full of shit, and throw it at your windshield
-screwing this thing in is like beating off a mouse

most of the rest i dont think are appropriate to say. might be a few more usable ones left somewhere...

 

[Scottboy3976]

Context also: Me and two friends were staying in a travelodge hotel after partying in Glasgow so didnt really fall asleep until about 4am...wake up at 5am and start talking to one of my friends while the other one just shouted out in his sleep

"I don't trust people with beards", i guess was funnier at the time but one of those moments

 

[merc hunter]

This is a quote from me sadly
"its like a anal exam but different..." I got really odd looks from that one. In context it was about an army medical exam I had.

 

[Regiment]

"Forget a coronary, I thought I was going to have a heart attack!"

 

[Abbyrose07]

Me: "I like youtube"
My Friend: "WHAT!?!?"
Me: "Oh, did you think I said I like your boobs?"

 

[Ham_authority95]

"So..... if I tried to put my dick in his hair, would it actually go in, or just bounce off like its made of cement?"

Talking about the hair of one of the tunnel snakes in the beginning of fallout 3....

 

[Private Custard]

Years ago, we used to keep a file of stupid quotes in our office. Here are a few from my then boss.

"For a man to sleep with the same woman for a long time is boring, for a woman it's love"

"Suck a turd out of my arse and smile as it slides down your throat like a warm chocolate slug"

"Marriage is just a shot in the arm for a dying relationship"

"She's only saying that because she's got an inadequate vagina"

And some of mine

"The only legible thing on my computer right now is a cat in a pint glass"

"A lot of things that are considered evil, are actually quite pleasant"

"A circus without animals isn't a circus, it's just loads of arseholes running around in circles while loads of other arseholes watch"

"Rainbows aren't a wonder of nature. Caves full of crystals are a wonder of nature, rainbows just sit there and make people crash their cars"

Don't ask what we used to talk about at work, the conversations meandered down a winding, filthy pathway!

 

[Beldaros]

"You know; Asthma is becoming a lot more popular these days."

 

[Indecizion]

me and my friends were alone in the cinema waiting for the movie to start when a girl walked in looking for her phone from the last sitting, at this point my friend tony started barrel rolling around and when she actualy looked his way and asked if hed seen it he shouted at the top of his lungs "GO AWAY, I DONT LIKE YOU!" she got really startled and ran out as fast as she could, it was AWESOME rofl.

 

[cormacdffy]

My friend once said:

"You want a sweet name for a heavy metal band? Click Random article twice on wikipedia"

I got "Chronic Care" lol


*friend walks into room and sniffs the air*

"What's that smell? It smells like fart... wet, shitty fart"

 

[hazabaza1]

My friend once said:

"You want a sweet name for a heavy metal band? Click Random article twice on wikipedia"

Wow... it works. Did it twice and I got "Sohrschied". That could work.

OT: My friend Robert often says "any hole's a goal."
Yes, it is what you're thinking of.