How big a role does sex play in a relationship?

[Rusman]

It really does vary in the relationship. I personally don't put much on it as I become bored with regular sex quite quickly so unless my partner is up for the stuff I like and/or is willing to try new stuff to keep it interesting. Sex is just a thing that happens every now and then.

That being said, in your position don't over think anything just go with whatever feels right in the moment, if your with your girl and things are getting interesting take a quick look at the situation, if you're thinking "This is going all right, I like" carry on. If not then stop, or go back to doing something you are comfortable with.

Luckily for me my first time was with a girl for whom it was also her first time and we'd been together for a while, we both agreed on a date. It was my job to get the condoms (Something my 15 year old self freaked out about) then went to hers and had terrible and awkward sex. Nothing really changed and we practised and got better. It just what you do.

 

[mental_looney]

Being in a realtionship where he no longer is insterested in anything sex realted is very hard when it's still something I want. Either things will change in this situation or it will most likely end for us, as much as I love him the relationship is not suistainable in this state.

It's pretty horrible for your self esteem to think someone doesn't want you like that when you want them, no matter how much they profess to want to stay in a relationship.

You just have to talk to them about it and sadly if it's not something you are willing to do but they aren't willing to go without you have to accept it won't last.

 

[Shoggoth2588]

There isn't really a countdown timer when it comes to sex. If you're not ready for sex then you're not ready for sex but if she's expecting it and you tell her you're not ready for it yet, she could very well leave you for someone who will want to do the sex dance. I don't mean to be Captain Bringdown but it's a possibility that she'll either leave you or, try for a demotion from girlfriend to being a good friend. If you've got a good girlfriend though (or, a keeper) she'll understand and back off a bit if she doesn't coax you slowly and, gently into sex.

So it all depends on what you're looking for in a relationship. Most of them are going to have sex but according to many a comedian, married couples kind of give it up after a while. Personally, my GF and I don't care too much for the sex making and are actually more afraid of it than anything due to a mutual hatred of children and a lack of faith in contraceptive makers. We get on great though because sex aside, we can game together, engage in our own versions of MST3K and other such wonderful activities which bring us closer. Sex isn't essential to me or her so it can't (therefore) be essential to everybody.

When you're ready, you're ready. You'll know when you're ready by the way. I wouldn't rush it though...You really don't want to rush it...sex was almost completely ruined for me after my first and only 69...*shudders*

 

[Bloodastral]

If you are going to have sex remember you will need to bring 3 x 6 sided dice, an odd number of lego and an egg whisk. Best to be prepared, you don't want to start spooning without an egg whisk, that would be embarassing.

 

[holy_secret]

Someone that calls himself a forensic psychotherapist asking us this strikes me as something either incredibly ironic (false occupation claim) or investigatory (story is false, interested in the asexuals here).

Could be all above board, tickles me inappropriately though.

---

Sex is the difference between a best friend and a partner, to me at least.

I was always told it was best not to analyse oneself. I struggled with that for a long time so I try not to. Sorry.

I agree with what the first one said.
You can cuddle, kiss and hold hands with your friend. Sex is the difference. That's what you do with your partner.

 

[spartan231490]

Depends on the relationship man, but if she wants sex only a few months in, probably not. Not unless you're one of those rare few who thinks it's ok if she gets it elsewhere.

For me it's extremely important. Sex is really what separates a romantic relationship from a close friendship.

This speaks to me from someone who has yet to know true intimacy.

Look, the writing is on the wall. If she wants sex, and you don't it CAN work but PROBABLY won't. sex is a need just as real as the need for space. If you can't meet that need then she has every right to find someone who can. Sorry to say it but you should consider looking for someone who's needs more closely match your own.

This speaks to me of someone who has yet to know a good friend. Hafrael is correct.

Incorrect. See, never mind that your entire viewpoint is undermined by the "Friends with benefits" Paradigm, seriously, yes it makes you entirely incorrect but i'll take the high road and go with an argument of semantics.

My best friend (God rest his soul) Was more than that to me, he was my father figure, my mentor, he was a lot to me. Some could argue that a best friend is always like family in the end, but I reject that statement. I consider there to be a line between best friend and Significant other that's thicker than "Wether or not you two are having sex" I think it goes deeper than that, and to simply write it off with such an obvious oversimplification once more, speaks to me as someone who doesn't really know the difference.

Friends with benefits is a myth. It's like calling a dog a cat, you can do it all you want, doesn't make it not be a dog. "Friend with benefits" are in a romantic relationship, regardless of what they call it.

I thought you were gonna have an argument. Not two sentences and an abomination of the English language that amounts to "I think there's more to it than that so you must not know the difference."

I'll even give you a chance. What's the difference? What is this magical difference you speak of? Is it all in your head? Probably.

 

[Phasmal]

I've been in a relationship for a good few months now. I'm enjoying it thoroughly. However, as we're getting closer and closer, the inevitable question of sex is being brought up. My lady friend has been subtly hinting that she'd like to get intimate with me (although I am by no means a behavioural analyst so I can't confirm anything) and I'm terrified.

I'm a virgin. I've never had any real sexual thoughts and I find the whole thing rather off-putting, honestly. I have no desire to do anything of the sort. The crux of my question is, can a relationship last without sex, and, if not, how long will it last without it?

You should be honest with this girl about the fact you don't want sex.
It doesn't have to be the end of your relationship, but surely you should be honest with your girlfriend, otherwise it's really not fair.

It's not everything, but it's an important part of a relationship to a lot of couples, but if you aren't into it, dont do it.

 

[PotluckBrigand]

Yeah. She's gonna leave you for someone who wants to have sex with her. Good luck finding someone who's asexual.
And I really really hate you, though that is no fault of yours. It's because I'm ugly and find it impossible to connect with people, and as such, never had a girlfriend (chances are I never will either). You have no idea how frustrating it is to hear your story.
Ah well, off to whining on other threads.

Not trying to start a fight or trolling, and I know I don't know you or what your life is about, but that attitude isn't going to help your chances.

A great personality and outlook, along with a caring attitude towards people you... well... care about can overcome a lot.

Sure if you're a total dog people may not be as eager to approach you, but it only strengthens your chances of connecting with someone on a deeper level... it just may take longer to find them. I won't pretend this isn't a shallow culture we live in.

I'm not particularly ugly (I'm no Adonis, but I think I have a realistic view of my aesthetic qualities), but it hasn't helped me find someone truly special to live my life with. Sure, it's helped me have SEX with people, but that's not really the same thing as love (generally).

On a more shallow note, I have found that unattractive WOMEN tend to be a lot more interesting in bed. Some people say that's because they've spent their sexually active lives having to work harder to make men happy and everything isn't just given to them because they're hot. I don't know. I'm not a psychologist. Could be the same is true for men. I won't deign to comment on my own prowess as a modestly attractive person (I've never had sex with myself so I wouldn't know).

But be a cool guy, don't expect instant gratification and I dunno... get a talent. Chicks dig talent. Cool ones do, anyway. Shit I got with one girl because I was the best Rogue in my guild. If that can work for me then it can't be THAT hard.

Emotional love is not so terribly different from physical... they both take practice for you to get good at.

EDIT: Also, I know you didn't ask for my advice, but fuck it here it is anyway! DRINK UP!

 

[spartan231490]

Depends on the relationship man, but if she wants sex only a few months in, probably not. Not unless you're one of those rare few who thinks it's ok if she gets it elsewhere.

For me it's extremely important. Sex is really what separates a romantic relationship from a close friendship.

This speaks to me from someone who has yet to know true intimacy.

Look, the writing is on the wall. If she wants sex, and you don't it CAN work but PROBABLY won't. sex is a need just as real as the need for space. If you can't meet that need then she has every right to find someone who can. Sorry to say it but you should consider looking for someone who's needs more closely match your own.

This speaks to me of someone who has yet to know a good friend. Hafrael is correct.

Incorrect. See, never mind that your entire viewpoint is undermined by the "Friends with benefits" Paradigm, seriously, yes it makes you entirely incorrect but i'll take the high road and go with an argument of semantics.

My best friend (God rest his soul) Was more than that to me, he was my father figure, my mentor, he was a lot to me. Some could argue that a best friend is always like family in the end, but I reject that statement. I consider there to be a line between best friend and Significant other that's thicker than "Wether or not you two are having sex" I think it goes deeper than that, and to simply write it off with such an obvious oversimplification once more, speaks to me as someone who doesn't really know the difference.

Friends with benefits is a myth. It's like calling a dog a cat, you can do it all you want, doesn't make it not be a dog. "Friend with benefits" are in a romantic relationship, regardless of what they call it.

I thought you were gonna have an argument. Not two sentences and an abomination of the English language that amounts to "I think there's more to it than that so you must not know the difference."

I'll even give you a chance. What's the difference? What is this magical difference you speak of? Is it all in your head? Probably.

"You call it this, I call it that, so i'm right anyway!" ...Yeah okay, before I begin, on a smaller note, you're being needlessly combative. Stop that, it reflects poorly on you.

See, your logic is too binary. It follows the assumption that a relationship is two+ people who like each other well enough to spend time together, who also have sex. But sex and friendship aren't all that goes into a real relationship. I have friends, and i've had sex with complete strangers, doesn't mean I was in love with either of those types of people, so those two things alone, shouldn't be the only criteria by which you judge a relationship.

And even then, why can't I feel more deeply for one person than another, without the need for sex to somehow show that? What is it about sex that makes it some sort of proof that two people care about each other? If i'm reading too much into your words, well, sorry, but this is the vibe you give off: it sounds like you don't really understand the subject matter as well as you think you do.

Btw, edited out the little story I added incase you see that, it didn't seem to fit with the point I'm trying to make.

I'm not being combative. I am stating what I believe, and pointing out that your argument wasn't an argument, it was an unsupported opinion. I don't believe in taking twice as long as I need to in order to say something just to be overly polite. It's what I believe, if that bothers you than I am sorry, but I'm not going to censor myself for your comfort.

Now, on to the meat of the issue, my logic is not binary. I am not saying that you can't have sex with someone you aren't close to. This thread isn't about sex, it's about relationships. I don't believe that a relationship is a romantic relationship without sex. It's just a close friendship. You have shown the opposite, that you can have sex without a romantic relationship or good friendship, but this is not an if and only if statement. One is not equal to the other. In order to argue against my point, you have to argue that there is something that a romantic relationship has that a close friendship doesn't, other than sex. Either that, or you have to somehow show that a romantic relationship can exist and really is a romantic relationship without sex.

Feeling more deeply for one person than another doesn't make it a romantic relationship. I have acquaintances, I have friends, I have good friends, and I have great friends. I don't feel the same way about all of them, that doesn't mean I'm in a romantic relationship with my great friends.

Further, saying that you don't love your good friends is a matter of label. Most people would sacrifice their time, their money, their health, and maybe even their life for a good friend. and most people I know wouldn't give up their friends if their significant other disliked them so much that it was either keep your friends or keep your significant other. Even married people won't usually do that. I think that's pretty strong evidence that we do love our friends, just not romantically. To take it one step further, I'd say that's evidence that, if anything, we love our friends more than our significant others.

You seem to be saying that romantic love is just feeling more strongly for a person than you do for your other friends. To me, that says best friend. Or maybe family. Does that mean that I love my best friend and my family in a romantic way? Friendship is a sliding scale, it's not a discreet measurement of acquaintance, friend, best friend. Friends can fall anywhere between or beyond those points of reference. What separates the best friend from high school from your best friend in college?

Again, name something that a romantic relationship has that a really good friendship doesn't other than sex. Trust? No. Faith? No. Respect? No. Love? I don't think so. You might not call your feeling for a friend love, but it fits the bill. Lust? Attraction? I've got some pretty hot friends, I don't mind saying.

On a side note, I would like to point out that by sex, I don't just mean sexual intercourse. I mean all kinds of physical intimacy that are usually reserved for relationships. Making-out, cuddling, sex, ect.

 

[Sion_Barzahd]

Sorry to say this but there is no right or clear answer to your question, none.

A piece of advice I can give you; honesty goes a long way and if you're afraid then you should tell her as much. Yes, that prospect might be even more terrifying but will pay off.

I feel emasculated enough without my girlfriend knowing that I lack the fundamental desire that fuels a relationship. I know honesty is the best policy, but maybe not in this case?

Thats wrong. Honesty is always the way to go. If you can't tell her how you feel then it isn't much of a relationship to begin with.
Sex isn't the fundamental thing that holds a relationship together at all, i've been in long relationships where sex never came into it. However the importance of sex in a relationship varies from relationship to relationship.

 

[spartan231490]

Depends on the relationship man, but if she wants sex only a few months in, probably not. Not unless you're one of those rare few who thinks it's ok if she gets it elsewhere.

For me it's extremely important. Sex is really what separates a romantic relationship from a close friendship.

This speaks to me from someone who has yet to know true intimacy.

Look, the writing is on the wall. If she wants sex, and you don't it CAN work but PROBABLY won't. sex is a need just as real as the need for space. If you can't meet that need then she has every right to find someone who can. Sorry to say it but you should consider looking for someone who's needs more closely match your own.

This speaks to me of someone who has yet to know a good friend. Hafrael is correct.

Incorrect. See, never mind that your entire viewpoint is undermined by the "Friends with benefits" Paradigm, seriously, yes it makes you entirely incorrect but i'll take the high road and go with an argument of semantics.

My best friend (God rest his soul) Was more than that to me, he was my father figure, my mentor, he was a lot to me. Some could argue that a best friend is always like family in the end, but I reject that statement. I consider there to be a line between best friend and Significant other that's thicker than "Wether or not you two are having sex" I think it goes deeper than that, and to simply write it off with such an obvious oversimplification once more, speaks to me as someone who doesn't really know the difference.

Friends with benefits is a myth. It's like calling a dog a cat, you can do it all you want, doesn't make it not be a dog. "Friend with benefits" are in a romantic relationship, regardless of what they call it.

I thought you were gonna have an argument. Not two sentences and an abomination of the English language that amounts to "I think there's more to it than that so you must not know the difference."

I'll even give you a chance. What's the difference? What is this magical difference you speak of? Is it all in your head? Probably.

"You call it this, I call it that, so i'm right anyway!" ...Yeah okay, before I begin, on a smaller note, you're being needlessly combative. Stop that, it reflects poorly on you.

See, your logic is too binary. It follows the assumption that a relationship is two+ people who like each other well enough to spend time together, who also have sex. But sex and friendship aren't all that goes into a real relationship. I have friends, and i've had sex with complete strangers, doesn't mean I was in love with either of those types of people, so those two things alone, shouldn't be the only criteria by which you judge a relationship.

And even then, why can't I feel more deeply for one person than another, without the need for sex to somehow show that? What is it about sex that makes it some sort of proof that two people care about each other? If i'm reading too much into your words, well, sorry, but this is the vibe you give off: it sounds like you don't really understand the subject matter as well as you think you do.

Btw, edited out the little story I added incase you see that, it didn't seem to fit with the point I'm trying to make.

I'm not being combative. I am stating what I believe, and pointing out that your argument wasn't an argument, it was an unsupported opinion. I don't believe in taking twice as long as I need to in order to say something just to be overly polite. It's what I believe, if that bothers you than I am sorry, but I'm not going to censor myself for your comfort.

Now, on to the meat of the issue, my logic is not binary. I am not saying that you can't have sex with someone you aren't close to. This thread isn't about sex, it's about relationships. I don't believe that a relationship is a romantic relationship without sex. It's just a close friendship. You have shown the opposite, that you can have sex without a romantic relationship or good friendship, but this is not an if and only if statement. One is not equal to the other. In order to argue against my point, you have to argue that there is something that a romantic relationship has that a close friendship doesn't, other than sex. Either that, or you have to somehow show that a romantic relationship can exist and really is a romantic relationship without sex.

Feeling more deeply for one person than another doesn't make it a romantic relationship. I have acquaintances, I have friends, I have good friends, and I have great friends. I don't feel the same way about all of them, that doesn't mean I'm in a romantic relationship with my great friends.

Further, saying that you don't love your good friends is a matter of label. Most people would sacrifice their time, their money, their health, and maybe even their life for a good friend. and most people I know wouldn't give up their friends if their significant other disliked them so much that it was either keep your friends or keep your significant other. Even married people won't usually do that. I think that's pretty strong evidence that we do love our friends, just not romantically. To take it one step further, I'd say that's evidence that, if anything, we love our friends more than our significant others.

You seem to be saying that romantic love is just feeling more strongly for a person than you do for your other friends. To me, that says best friend. Or maybe family. Does that mean that I love my best friend and my family in a romantic way? Friendship is a sliding scale, it's not a discreet measurement of acquaintance, friend, best friend. Friends can fall anywhere between or beyond those points of reference. What separates the best friend from high school from your best friend in college?

Again, name something that a romantic relationship has that a really good friendship doesn't other than sex. Trust? No. Faith? No. Respect? No. Love? I don't think so. You might not call your feeling for a friend love, but it fits the bill. Lust? Attraction? I've got some pretty hot friends, I don't mind saying.

On a side note, I would like to point out that by sex, I don't just mean sexual intercourse. I mean all kinds of physical intimacy that are usually reserved for relationships. Making-out, cuddling, sex, ect.

Calling something someone says an abomination of the english language isn't simply giving an opinion, it's you lacking tact. BUT, enough of that!

And there in lies the difference for me. Like you, i've had a variety of friends, but there's always something that separates a relationship from a friendship that goes beyond physical attraction and the commencement of said relationship is something psychological/emotional, an underlying connection that isn't explained, only expressed between two+ People. I mean, look at it this way, even with your best friends, i'm sure you've needed a break or time away from them. To me, that doesn't exist in a true blue relationship, fully accepting someone, flaws and all, and not only just tolerating those things you don't like about the person but fully accepting them as part of what you love and not really paying it any mind. That's when it stops being friendship and crosses over to the family bond. Can this happen for friends to? Yeah, it can, so maybe it isn't even as simple as friends and romances, maybe it goes even further than that.

We should probably just agree to disagree. I need time away from my family even more than I need time away from my friends. I need time away from my girlfriends too, and everyone I've ever known is exactly the same.

 

[runnernda]

Like everyone else has said, it really comes down to the couple. You should probably get clear on whether you're not interested in sex at all, or if you're not interested in sex with her. Are you attracted to her? Have you done anything physical? Did you enjoy it? Fear can kill a sex drive, so I would talk to her about it.

 

[Ethan Asia]

Alright, ladies and gentlemen. I took your advice, and spoke to her. It didn't go as well as I'd hoped, but we're still together (for now at least). I'll spare you the details, but thank you all for your input.