"This report just in from the old media: somebody did something bad. Although this was probably a disproportionate response driven by anger or relationship problems, or involved someone who required therapy or drugs, it's come to our attention that the accused had at one time touched a game console. Since these are the new media that threaten our bottom line, we can conclude that video games and the internet turn otherwise normal people into sociopathic cannibal rapists. Now sports."