Is marriage worth it?

[Jezzeh]

Thats great I am happy for you congrats. No marriage is not all about money. My experience I was just being used and it made me mad so for me the deal breaker is having no job or not returning favors because face it we all do want to be doted on and many things you can do you don't have to have money. So Congrats on your engagement.

Thank you.

Trust me, I can definitely understand your point of view. The last relationship I was in was a complete failure - I ended up leaving him because I got so tired of being used. To him, I was just a good lay and a source of money. It was a pity... Especially when I left him for my current fiance and he begged me to marry him over text messages. It was rather pathetic.

I think that what many men fail to realize is that women get used, too. We're taken advantage of quite often, despite what common knowledge seems to say about us. It's somewhat sad, to me, that men oftentimes don't see the complete picture.

 

[Leesee]

Thats great I am happy for you congrats. No marriage is not all about money. My experience I was just being used and it made me mad so for me the deal breaker is having no job or not returning favors because face it we all do want to be doted on and many things you can do you don't have to have money. So Congrats on your engagement.

Thank you.

Trust me, I can definitely understand your point of view. The last relationship I was in was a complete failure - I ended up leaving him because I got so tired of being used. To him, I was just a good lay and a source of money. It was a pity... Especially when I left him for my current fiance and he begged me to marry him over text messages. It was rather pathetic.

I think that what many men fail to realize is that women get used, too. We're taken advantage of quite often, despite what common knowledge seems to say about us. It's somewhat sad, to me, that men oftentimes don't see the complete picture.

Yeppers I would have to agree

 

[Nurb]

Since when was marriage entirely about money?

when it ends.

You're also the exception to the rule. You make more money than your fiance and you are full time while he is part time. While I don't wish you a bad marriage(and I'm serious about that), statisticly, traditional role reversals don't last; if the wife is the primary bread winner, they've been polled and will often come to resent resent the husband for not providing or working harder and meet someone else equal or greater to their career level.

I'm not saying they don't work tho, my cousin is a computer programmer and makes a ton of money, and her husband stays at home to raise the kids. It's lasted quite a while.

 

[Jezzeh]

when it ends.

You're also the exception to the rule. You make more money than your fiance and you are full time while he is part time. While I don't wish you a bad marriage(and I'm serious about that), statisticly, traditional role reversals don't last; if the wife is the primary bread winner, they've been polled and will often come to resent resent the husband for not providing or working harder and meet someone else equal or greater to their career level.

I'm not saying they don't work tho, my cousin is a computer programmer and makes a ton of money, and her husband stays at home to raise the kids. It's lasted quite a while.

There is no rule. Statistics aren't everything - Though most people will argue with me on that. Honestly, I hold absolutely no resentment toward my fiance'. Many will probably say that I haven't had enough time to, but seeing as we were both given the same opportunity to make more money, and seeing as we settled it between the two of us like we did, I don't really think that will happen. We used to work the same exact hours, but I won Rock-Paper-Scissors. Ultimately, who got full time didn't matter, because we pool all of our money anyway. We don't keep track of who spent their money on what and how much it cost. We get what we want with the money we make, because it isn't his money or my money. It's /our/ money.

And yes, I know that the end of a relationship is usually when cash comes into play. I experienced that with my ex - You wouldn't believe the number of texts I got saying that I owed money for some trivial thing or another, like a CD, or storage of things that the idiot was using and couldn't legally charge storage fees for anyway.

 

[0megaZer0]

when it ends.

You're also the exception to the rule. You make more money than your fiance and you are full time while he is part time. While I don't wish you a bad marriage(and I'm serious about that), statisticly, traditional role reversals don't last; if the wife is the primary bread winner, they've been polled and will often come to resent resent the husband for not providing or working harder and meet someone else equal or greater to their career level.

I'm not saying they don't work tho, my cousin is a computer programmer and makes a ton of money, and her husband stays at home to raise the kids. It's lasted quite a while.

There is no rule. Statistics aren't everything - Though most people will argue with me on that. Honestly, I hold absolutely no resentment toward my fiance'. Many will probably say that I haven't had enough time to, but seeing as we were both given the same opportunity to make more money, and seeing as we settled it between the two of us like we did, I don't really think that will happen. We used to work the same exact hours, but I won Rock-Paper-Scissors. Ultimately, who got full time didn't matter, because we pool all of our money anyway. We don't keep track of who spent their money on what and how much it cost. We get what we want with the money we make, because it isn't his money or my money. It's /our/ money.

And yes, I know that the end of a relationship is usually when cash comes into play. I experienced that with my ex - You wouldn't believe the number of texts I got saying that I owed money for some trivial thing or another, like a CD, or storage of things that the idiot was using and couldn't legally charge storage fees for anyway.

I was all for what you were saying until just right here.

you do realize that you are upset that no one is seeing things from your point of view when you are In fact unwilling to see things from our PoV as well? (heh, I very much doubt you do...)

Look, It's awsome that you and your fiancee are happy and things are great. But there are 2 things you are failing to consider here.

1. there have been thousands of couples just like you in the past that were MORE happy than you are right now about their relationship; then a couple years down the line things changed, and the relationship failed. Though you may think I'm being "mean" or "stepping over a line" here, the fact is your relationship has just as much chance to fail as anyone else's (like OP said, you could come to resent your hubby for not providing, or any other number of reasons); and until you hit that 10 year mark in your happy marriage (and I very much hope you do) you have no more say than any of us, so get off your high horse and declairing whatever you please about all relationships.

2.Even if you are 100% right, and your relationship is amazing, and it will NEVER die etc. then you must understand that your relationship does not not kill the 'rule' but it is the EXCEPTION to the rule that PROVES it.

Though statistics aren't EVERYTHING, they mean SOMETHING. they prove that there is a rule, and if you ignore them then you are on a fast-track to becoming one of them.

 

[Leesee]

Things in marriage will get hard no doubt about it and I do have to day even in relationships... money will eventually be an issue. Unfourtunatly in this day and age we all need money to live and when something like a marriage ends both parties are so desperate to come out the winner or to financially protect themselves .... that is what it becomes. Plus by that time any love that there was is blinded by survival instinct.

 

[Jezzeh]

I was all for what you were saying until just right here.

you do realize that you are upset that no one is seeing things from your point of view when you are In fact unwilling to see things from our PoV as well? (heh, I very much doubt you do...)

Look, It's awsome that you and your fiancee are happy and things are great. But there are 2 things you are failing to consider here.

1. there have been thousands of couples just like you in the past that were MORE happy than you are right now about their relationship; then a couple years down the line things changed, and the relationship failed. Though you may think I'm being "mean" or "stepping over a line" here, the fact is your relationship has just as much chance to fail as anyone else's (like OP said, you could come to resent your hubby for not providing, or any other number of reasons); and until you hit that 10 year mark in your happy marriage (and I very much hope you do) you have no more say than any of us, so get off your high horse and declairing whatever you please about all relationships.

2.Even if you are 100% right, and your relationship is amazing, and it will NEVER die etc. then you must understand that your relationship does not not kill the 'rule' but it is the EXCEPTION to the rule that PROVES it.

Though statistics aren't EVERYTHING, they mean SOMETHING. they prove that there is a rule, and if you ignore them then you are on a fast-track to becoming one of them.

See, I'm not really upset about much of anything - I never said that everyone had to see my point of view, now did I? Regardless, some people /did/. You don't know me. Who are you to say that I don't see anyone else's view? Sorry, but that statement ticked me off. Since you seem to know so much...

I'm not saying that the relationship I am in will never die. True, I hope that it doesn't, but I can't see the future.

Statistics don't equal a rule. There is no actual /rule/. There's just statistics, and yes, though they do mean SOMETHING, you say so yourself that they don't mean EVERYTHING.

All I'm saying is that people are different. Some relationships fail, others don't. What exactly are you arguing here? Whatever point you were trying to make, it's rather moot, because you're not arguing against something that I disagree with - I'm not really in disagreement with you on anything, save the whole 'doesn't see others' views' thing. I must have missed the argument train.

The only real issue I had was that almost every person to post in this board mentioned money somewhere; but honestly, if they're so scared of a relationship becoming about the money or about it ending, then what is everyone bothering to be in a relationship for? Why am I even engaged? Why is the couple across the street from me married? Why are my parents married? Why are all of my friends dating?

There is always part of us that hopes other people aren't so material, I guess.

 

[Undeleted]

I'm willing to guess that most people here (including me) not married. Disregard all of our opinions and advice on marriage if you know what's good for you.

 

[Macgyvercas]

Marriage, like anything, needs cooperation and hard work to function successfully. Sure, you fall on tough times now and then, but getting through them together strengthens the bond between you and your spouse.

 

[valczir]

People get married because of the wrong reasons.

*Disclaimer: I tend to read a lot of C.S. Lewis and junk. His views have kind of guided mine.

Basically, these days, if there's a fuzzy feeling between two people, it's considered "love". Personally, I'm betting that, in 90% of cases, the feelings are actually lust. And the idiots are surprised when the fuzzy feelings disappear.

If you've ever read C.S. Lewis's "The Screwtape Letters", you probably already have an idea of my views on such things. Screwtape (the demon) talks about how the demons have twisted the meaning of love until humans don't recognize it when they see it. The idea put forward by the book is that love was never intended to be the cause of marriage, but the result; that demons have twisted the ideas of humans to the point where they started looking for love before marriage, and were surprised to discover that it didn't exist after marriage. One of my college professors put it thusly: "Don't get married because you're in love; get married because you get along."

I tend to agree with that view, because I don't think that love is an uncommon emotion. If I tried to get married to every girl I felt love for, I'd be knee deep in divorces. So I've never really been looking for love - I have plenty of that among my friends.

So yes, I think marriage is worth it. Most definitely. But you need to not be looking for love all the time - pay more attention to how you interact than how you feel. If you're the type of person who wants to better his- or herself, find someone who challenges you, makes you grow. And most of all, be willing to work at it.

Marriage by law is really no big deal (most laws are retarded, anyway, and breaking them is part of the joy of living), but finding someone who you can join your spirit to ... that's beautiful, and totally worth pursuing. And if you follow a religion, getting married within your religion is intended as a celebration and an invitation for God (or whoever) to join you. Not as some kind of cage (which is what I tend to think of marriage-by-law as - nothing more than a cage).

 

[Sindaine]

You seemed to be rather 'sour grapes' about it though, and sexist to boot. Someone actually married you? Really?

 

[kazork]

You don't need a piece of jewelry and a court paper to love and be with someone forever.

But you need a piece of court paper to make sure that your money and the house you both built up goes to your significant other and not to your evil-family.

I am in my twenties i own my first house and within a year my girlfriend is going to move in with me. If i die at this point (i am young so i actually haven't put any thoughts or effort in a will) the house legally becomes my parents house and they have the right to kick my girlfriend out of the house with none of the money she put in it.
You need a legal paper so she can continue living in the house or at least get the amount of money back she put in it.

This is a reason for me to get married.

 

[Leesee]

I was all keen on getting married eventually, till I got to my mid 20's when I've noticed other people's marraige and relationships and their experiences with the court system. I've never seen one marraige that's NOT fallen appart after 10 years, the only exception has been my folks', and they were married at 17 and 18.

The more I read and observe, the more I realize that in my opinion, it has nothing to offer men. Men are still expected to still have the "traditional role"; be the main provider, you know, fix stuff around the house, change a tire in the rain, have a job that is equal to or better than the wife's, etc. But there's all these new rules and expectations about the 'new man' that I bet most of the guys here aren't aware of, let alone consulted.

But I'm sure you guys have heard on a number of occasions, mostly being spoken down to with a finger pointed at you (or someone else on a talk show while channel surfing)... "What makes you think you deserve a good woman?".

And hearing this stuff made me think "wait, men aren't allowed to have expectations of their wives". We have it drilled into our heads that we can't ask a potential mate to do anything because it's sexist and we're trying to control them. But it made me think "well.. what do women offer to get themselves a good husband?" We still have our traditional roles, but it's basicly suicide to ask for a "traditional woman". Like expecting some roles filled around the house like I'd have to fill. If I'm expected to be a handy man and change a tire or the oil when I'm not at work for example (which I don't mind doing, I like doing that stuff to save money), why can't I expect some of the traditional roles in return? A real partnership.

And no, I can hear some of you thinking "well he wants a slave" and bunch of other sneering remarks. That's BS. I could become a house-husband if there was such a situation, but I don't see many women sticking with men who have a lower status job than they do, let alone husbands that don't have a job! I don't give a shit if a wife works, but we guys seem to be willing to walk into a one-sided contract with marriage without asking anything return, asking "why are YOU worth it?"

On divorce, its really a killing field for men. You might think I'm completely off base with the above statements, but usually those kinds of people just roll their eyes and smirk until they end up in a bitter divorce, and can't understand why they have to pay alimony to their wife who's been working since they got married. Basicly, once you're married, money and children belong to women in the eyes of the court.

did you know:
-more than 2/3 of women are the ones that file for divorce in the US. The most common reason is "mutual differences" or just no-fault divorces. Abuse and infedilty are much lower on the list
-your wife can have her own job and income and still recieve alimony from you
-in most states, your wife can cheat on you, and can still get the house, kids, and years of your money
-55% of married women cheat while 60% of married men cheat (Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy in 2002)
-In many states, it is illegal for you to take a lower paying job if you are paying alimony
-you still have to continue paying alimony if your wife remarries.
-in some states like california, dating and living with a single mother for a certain amount of time can end up with you paying child support

I'm not risking something like that, especially when I'm looking to head into a high paid career track down the line, but you guys, the best advice is to sit with your girl and TALK about what you expect each other to do.. do your negotiating before you're married, and don't assume things will work themselves out, you will be a LOT better off.

You guys need to know what your needs are and do your best to find a girl to meet them because no one else is going to give a damn about YOUR needs and wants, because after that, its all about the family as it should.. you, if you're a husband, is in last place.

your opinions? (and no, this is not a flame thread)

Haven't been on in a while and the last time I was on I strangely remember a similar thread.
Both genders, it seems, feel like they are owed something and I've been screwed over many a time by a so-called man and I'm sure that at one time or another someone I've dated has felt the same way. Thing is everyone deserves a "good man" or a "good woman" you just need to find someone that has the same ideals the same goals what ever you want to call it.
Marriage is something serious not only on a court level or in the eyes of god but as an emotional bond. When you find that hang on to it within reason of course. Its just hard and honestly I wish people would just stop obsessing over "traditional" roles. Yes it would be nice to have a someone who cared enough to change my oil my tire or fix things around the house for me but if he doesn't want to or if he doesn't know how to or if I notice it first I'll do it and I would love to cook for someone else and have them enjoy it or stay home and take care of the kids and be the "American Wife" but if thats not how it ends up I'm ok with that too. You just gotta find someone who loves and cares about YOU and who you love and care about and thats hard to find these days but its no use obsessing over it because the longer you do... you don't know what you may miss out on. Stop being freaked out and maybe you'll find that person.
ooops this was the same thread omg

 

[BonsaiK]

I was all keen on getting married eventually, till I got to my mid 20's when I've noticed other people's marraige and relationships and their experiences with the court system. I've never seen one marraige that's NOT fallen appart after 10 years, the only exception has been my folks', and they were married at 17 and 18.

My brother got married young, he's now 37 and his relationship is still going strong. My parents were also married only once but they married in their 30s and stayed married until they died. The relationship had its ups and down but they never had any intention of breaking up.

I wouldn't marry anyone simply because I don't like living with other people, I like my own space too much. When I have a girlfriend I don't see her all the time, we live our own separate lives and we get together when we feel like it. I also have no interest in children. So a traditional marriage situation really has nothing beneficial to offer me. People with different values may find it more appealing.

It's perfectly reasonable for either partner to ask the other partner in a marriage to have a negotiation about a relationship and fulfill certain expectations. Politicising something like this which is very much in the personal sphere is pointless. What society expects as a whole regarding a "good male partner" or "good female partner" and what statistics say is all an irrelevant smokescreen. It's what works for the individual couple that matters, nothing else.

Many marriages fail because people grow and change over time. I'm a vastly different person now at 35 to what I was at 18. If I got married, the girl who married me at 18 might not like what I've evolved into at 35. I might not like her by then either, who knows.

Some people also use the marriage contract as an excuse to start slipping in terms of their personal standards. For instance you might make less of an effort to look good once you've got a ring on your finger, figuring it's less important now that you're settled. This applies equally to both genders of course - men do a whole bunch of stuff for girls that they often stop doing once they're settled into a marriage situation and vice versa - everyone's heard the horror stories of the person who "changes overnight" after marriage, this is why. The person figures that because they've got the grand prize they can now stop trying. I stay away from marriage also for this reason. I like it when women make an effort to look good, so I keep the ring away from that finger, and I also like the fact that the girl is free to leave at any time because it keeps my own behvaiour and appearance up to scratch, it's a way to motivate myself to not be a slob.

There's the whole financial issue, alimony etc but I think that stuff is all fair enough. If you're going to create a being that requires thousands of dollars a year to keep fed, clothed etc, then it's only right that you pay up, either directly buy actually buying the stuff, or indirectly by giving the money to the parent that looks after the child so THEY can buy the stuff. Anyone who complains about alimony payments should have exercised better family planning.