Is my dad justified in effectively cheating on his wife?

[lacktheknack]

Before reading: "No."

After reading: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

Seriously, WTF is this?

I have no advice to give. If you're actually Catholic (and not just forced to go to school and church), I'd recommend talking with one of your local church leaders. They'll have a better handle on the situation than I do.

 

[Gitty101]

That right there is a sad situation. There is no way on this Earth I'd say he is justified and if it wasn't for the fact that your family relies on him for financial support, I'd suggest action against what he's doing. It's pretty crappy advice, but I advise you to stick with schooling until you can be sure you won't need him and then take action.

What he's doing is utterly pathetic.

 

[008Zulu_v1legacy]

Some people get bored with a monogamous relationship. The fact that he keeps coming back to could just be an indicator that he is looking for a little change in his life, something to relight the fire as it were.

You made a fairly obvious point of noting your mother's MS. Was that a factor in his decision for an extramarital affair? If not it seems like an odd inclusion of your post. Maybe she is o.k with it, what's her view on the matter?

 

[shrimpcel]

Dear meepop, all I have to tell you is to be very careful about your decisions. I don't know if it's justified or not; I tend to think it's not, but that's not the matter here. Your future is on the line. If your father pays for everything, at the very least make sure he keeps supporting you this way.

 

[pointless vandalism]

If you don't love your family, don't care about it. If you love your mother and sister, beat the ever loving shit out of his face with a pipe. (This option may sound easier for me since I'm an X MMA fighter...PM for beat down suggestions)

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

If you want my honest opinion, he sounds like a fully paid-up arse-flake. However, if it really is as... blatant, as you make it sound, that makes me wonder if maybe he and your mum have an arrangement that you don't know about. I'm not sure that would change my stance on it if it were my Dad, but it's a possibility for you to consider.

 

[Kpt._Rob]

If you want my advice, it's this. Let your parents deal with it themselves. They're adults, and even if they're not acting particularly like adults, unfortunately they're entitled to do so as adults. Adding your voice into the fray will only make a complicated issue more complicated. No doubt they've talked about it already, and no doubt they'll talk again. If your mom isn't putting up a fuss, there might be a reason for it.

Help your mom out when you can. Try to do what you can to make the best of the situation. But don't go getting involved. Your dad will probably not listen to you if you approach the issue directly (I think if I was the sort of person who would do what he's doing, I certainly wouldn't listen to my kid), and as a result you're more likely to inflame a difficult issue than you are to resolve it.

Also remember this. Your parents are individuals. I know we grow up thinking our parents are supposed to be a unit, but that's not really the case. Sometimes marriages don't work the way they're traditionally supposed to. You have to treat them as individuals, and try to sympathize with things they may see that you may not.

 

[Twilight_guy]

Last time a I checked 'in sickness and in health' was part of your marriage vows. That seems to apply to this situation. Of course their marriage vows might differ. Anyways, I think it's cheating. There isn't much you can do, since it's not really your place. It's difficult to say what is the best course of action.

 

[Yopaz]

I guess I can understand and sympathize with your father since dealing with a serious disease like MS is tough for everyone involved. However I am going to assume that he is cheating because he assumes that it's better for the family if your mother and him are staying together or that he feels an obligation to help out because of your mother's condition.

He is not taking care of you and it seems obvious that he's just doing what he does out of guilt. As for what you can do I'm not sure what to tell you. I don't know you or anyone in your family so any advice would be based off my experiences and thus not applicable to your situation. My mom cheated on my dad, but I never knew that so it didn't really affect me. I wish I could help you, but other than talking to your dad, I don't know what you can do. Tell him that you're concerned about his actions, try writing it down rather than saying it so the heat of the moment wont ruin what you're trying to say.

 

[meepop]

Some people get bored with a monogamous relationship. The fact that he keeps coming back to could just be an indicator that he is looking for a little change in his life, something to relight the fire as it were.

You made a fairly obvious point of noting your mother's MS. Was that a factor in his decision for an extramarital affair? If not it seems like an odd inclusion of your post. Maybe she is o.k with it, what's her view on the matter?

I don't know if it was part of his decision, but I know she is not okay with it.

 

[CpT_x_Killsteal]

sounds like a troll but if not

there is no right or wrong in this since it seems that the father needs something that the mother cant provide and because of religious and moral obligations divorce is a no go so though the status quo is unsavory it is still the best option and any confrontation would make this harder on all parties

I feel like strangling you to death for saying that.

Moral obligations? What he's doing isn't moral. No one gets out of life unscathed and this douchebag shouldn't be an exception. Oh and Religious obligations? They mean absolutely fucking nothing. You can't use your religion to justify hurting other people.

OT: Things are gonna have to get worse before they get better OP. You gotta push the envelope and corner him. Or convince your mother to go for a divorce. By the sounds of things he's not gonna stop cheating no matter what.

 

[NoeL]

Anyway, because the grass was so high and I was sick, my mom went out with a fever and MS and cut the grass. This is pathetic.

Why didn't YOU get your arse out there and do it?

Anyway, as everyone's already said, yeah your dad's being a dick. I understand his position, that he doesn't want to be with your mother but also doesn't want to bail on his kids, and has to juggle spending time with you (as he should) and time with his girlfriend (as he also should, if he's serious about her)... he's just not doing a good job of it. In his defense it's a bad position to be in, but that's all the more reason he should get off the fence one way or the other; lose the gf or move out.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

No, there is no justification for cheating or infidelity of any kind. None whatsoever.

 

[meepop]

Anyway, because the grass was so high and I was sick, my mom went out with a fever and MS and cut the grass. This is pathetic.

Why didn't YOU get your arse out there and do it?

Anyway, as everyone's already said, yeah your dad's being a dick. I understand his position, that he doesn't want to be with your mother but also doesn't want to bail on his kids, and has to juggle spending time with you (as he should) and time with his girlfriend (as he also should, if he's serious about her)... he's just not doing a good job of it. In his defense it's a bad position to be in, but that's all the more reason he should get off the fence one way or the other; lose the gf or move out.

Because for the most part my dad was the one who did it; I've cut my grandmother's lawn, don't get me wrong, but my dad has stated before he doesn't want me cutting 'his' lawn. I understand your reasoning, but again, my sister and me are in Catholic school. And my mom doesn't have much way to support herself.

 

[meepop]

If your mother knows, and isn't doing anything about it, that implies:
1. Your parents have an understanding about this. (You said she has MS, I know you don't want to think about this, but what does that mean for your parent's sex lives? Keep in mind, everyone has needs.)
2. He isn't porking her, she's just a female friend. (As a teenager you might find platonic friendship between a man and a woman impossible to comprehend, but trust me, it is a thing.)

The best thing for you to do is let your parents work it out between themselves. It's obvious they're in a difficult situation, and attempts by yourself to "resolve the situation" would be like trying to douse embers with a can of petrol.

...Except for the texts I've seen my dad send this woman and the texts she's said as well. I know a married man can have female friends and vice versa, but again, the texts they've sent each other say otherwise. I've seen these texts because he doesn't try very hard to hide his phone from me when he watches me play some games while sitting next to me.

 

[Programmed_For_Damage]

I know you said you didn't want to but I think the best thing would be to talk to your Dad about it. Maybe he doesn't realise how much it's affecting you and there could be more going on that you realise.

I'm not going to say your dad is a dick because I'm sure there's a lot more at play here but I really think you should be telling your dad this, not a bunch of people on the Internet who are going to jump to conclusions and tell you your dad is scum.

As I said in my original post, he came out and told my mom about this already. He thinks it's justified. And if my dad believes he's right, well, it's difficult to convince him otherwise. I understand that he may have different feelings, I do, but his feelings about us can not or at least should not change.

What reason does he give to justify this? It sounds like a very shaky position to try and excuse yourself for. If he is using "sex" as a reasons it's not a very good one in my opinion. A lot of marriages go through droughts, mine included, and I wouldn't contemplate straying from my wife's side because simply there's more to life than sex.

You sound like an intelligent, clear headed individual and I think you already know within yourself what you need to do. Personally, I think that sitting down with your father in a non-threatening environment, possibly with your siblings, and telling him how what he's doing is affecting your family. Initially he may get defensive, depending on the type of person he is, but if you are only being honest how can he deny what you feel? All that you are stating is fact.

I really hope that whatever you decide works out for you.

 

[WolfThomas]

It sounds like a complicated scenario. First thing I'd do? Talk to both your parents, separately and honestly.

Do you know the whole situation?
In this day and age marriage isn't always clear cut, what if he has permission from your mother? She might not feel sexually active due to her disease and might allow him to have a girlfriend for sex. How does she feel about it.

Does your father love this other woman? Or is it just sex?

Is he waiting until you and your siblings have left home before leaving your mother or is he going to stay with her? Do they still love each other?

The solution then really depends on whats going on above? It may be that the best thing is a separation or divorce that still leaves your mother well looked after or it might just be "hey dad, tone it back a bit, maybe see your lover once a month not once a week"

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

My mother unfortunately has MS, Multiple Sclerosis; it's not always easy for her to walk.
EDIT3: To clarify some things: We don't know if any sexual happenings are occurring. We only know that my dad is going over her house, and spending the night there. Also, my mom hasn't had MS her whole life. Only since 1998 when my sister was born.

I think that's likely the issue right there.

You say "only" since 1998. That's 14 years, since you were two years old. You also said she has trouble walking. That means the disease may be getting fairly advanced.

You mother may no longer be able to have (or enjoy having) sex.

If so, she and your father may have agreed to let him get his sex elsewhere. That isn't an uncommon arrangement when one member of a couple gets a chronic disease that can affect that individual's ability to have sex.

You're 16. I know this all seems upsetting to you, but how do you think it feels for your father? The woman he loves is having her neurons stripped bare. She's losing herself, which means he's losing her. Slowly and painfully.

You're only 16, so they might be keeping things from you that they think will upset you or that you're not old enough to understand. They might not realize how much you're already aware of.

Best option - try talking to your parents. Not accusing, yelling, or fighting - talking. Don't accuse anyone of anything, just talk about the situation.