Is my dad justified in effectively cheating on his wife?

[WolfThomas]

What reason does he give to justify this? It sounds like a very shaky position to try and excuse yourself for. If he is using "sex" as a reasons it's not a very good one in my opinion. A lot of marriages go through droughts, mine included, and I wouldn't contemplate straying from my wife's side because simply there's more to life than sex.

You sound like an intelligent, clear headed individual and I think you already know within yourself what you need to do. Personally, I think that sitting down with your father in a non-threatening environment, possibly with your siblings, and telling him how what he's doing is affecting your family. Initially he may get defensive, depending on the type of person he is, but if you are only being honest how can he deny what you feel? All that you are stating is fact.

I really hope that whatever you decide works out for you.

Sex is different in importance for everyone. There are normal droughts that occur in a relationship and I agree that straying just because you're not having enough sex isn't a valid reason (and wouldn't be for me). But in this case with her MS their sex life may have completely finished, no resurrecting it, MS is a degenerative non-improving illness. Drought at least implies there will be rain again.

Now I'm not saying that this is a reason to go out and start cheating, but in this circumstances I don't think it's unreasonable that a married couple consider their options at this point. A few options:
-Do nothing
-Get an online porn subscription for him
-Sextoys
-A visit to a safe clean professional every blue moon
-Finding a sexual partner that she approves of for a relationship that is solely sexual while all the emotional and intimate needs are addressed at home

Some are more extreme than others but it could be that by settling on an option that they're both comfortable with now, they may prevent heartbreak down the track.

SNIP

Couldn't have said it better.

 

[Kebabco]

She knows, I see no problem with it.

Totally agree with you. What's with all these white knights holding other people up to the highest standards. The guy probably didnt get laid in 10 years and now he's finally able to fulfill a basic human need and he get's bitched at by everyone because he actually have the balls to enjoy life.

I really wonder if the outrage would be the same if his mom was cheating on his; OP and the other posters would see that situation in a totally different light just because she's a woman, probably spouting some excuses like "but she just needed to be loved" or "she was in an emotionally abusive relationship because she didnt get anymore attention from her ms-riddled husband".

I say your dad has it pretty well figured out: taking care of his family financially & emotionally (he's still living at your place and sounds like a pretty standup guy, having confessed) while neglecting minor duties like cutting the fucking grass or helping your sis with her homework to get some actual enjoyment out of life and not be reduced to a caretaker for his family without any regard for his happiness.

Goooo your dad

 

[TheScientificIssole]

EDIT3: To clarify some things: We don't know if any sexual happenings are occurring. We only know that my dad is going over her house, and spending the night there. Also, my mom hasn't had MS her whole life. Only since 1998 when my sister was born.

If he isn't doing anything sexual than its not cheating. Have you seen them do anything sexual like kiss? If not, then it isn't cheating at all, it's spending time with a friend. I can't answer because of lack of information.

 

[NoeL]

Anyway, because the grass was so high and I was sick, my mom went out with a fever and MS and cut the grass. This is pathetic.

Why didn't YOU get your arse out there and do it?

Anyway, as everyone's already said, yeah your dad's being a dick. I understand his position, that he doesn't want to be with your mother but also doesn't want to bail on his kids, and has to juggle spending time with you (as he should) and time with his girlfriend (as he also should, if he's serious about her)... he's just not doing a good job of it. In his defense it's a bad position to be in, but that's all the more reason he should get off the fence one way or the other; lose the gf or move out.

Because for the most part my dad was the one who did it; I've cut my grandmother's lawn, don't get me wrong, but my dad has stated before he doesn't want me cutting 'his' lawn. I understand your reasoning, but again, my sister and me are in Catholic school. And my mom doesn't have much way to support herself.

Oh well, it's ultimately up to you as a family to sit down and discuss things. You have a lot to lose if he leaves - especially you as the (I assume) eldest male. You'll have to man up and get a job, maybe have to pull out of school. Your sister will have to go to public school, where the education might be worse but at least you don't have to put up with the religious stuff. That said, I'm sure your dad wants to give you both a good education though (which is probably why he sent you to a private school in the first place), so I think it's unlikely he'd stop paying tuition even if he did leave. Maybe your mother can get a disability pension or something? I don't know what the social system's like wherever you live.

 

[Sateru]

snip

I can empathize with you, my friend. This is gonna be a very traumatic thing, and divorce is always a difficult thing to go through. I'll tell you this though, as it's going right now, your mother will be suffering the worst of this in the end if it keeps going like it is right now. Even if she isn't say it, or is being quiet about it just to keep the family together, it is still being internalized and repressed for the most part. It isn't healthy for her, or you for that matter if he keeps doing this to her. It is insulting to the woman he has been with for so long to basically stomp all over their marriage like that. Then again, I will tell you what my mother told me when she found out about her husband cheating on her... she said that their marriage died the moment he cheated on her. For your mother, you and your sister should support her, and help her with this. It will be hard for all of you, but letting it stay like this... it scars a person deep down, and it takes a while to heal. Your mother might be afraid to change things, she might be afraid of what this divorce and separation will do to her family, to you guys, to herself, to her home... Divorce is a nasty thing, and there will be fallout afterwords that you guys will be sorting through for a while... but it is better, much better for all of you if it happens. :T If she still wants to save the marriage, they need to see a marriage counselor, but usually most marriages never recover from something of this caliber.

 

[Padwolf]

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, OP I'd give you a hug if I could!

Your father is not justified at all, he is being a straight up asshole. I think you should tell him that what he is doing is not alright. Don't start an argument, just tell him it is not alright. Maybe also talk to your mother, let her know that she should not be treated this way, that she deserves a lot better than this. Please talk to anyone you can about it, social workers, talk to an official of your church, be discreet but try and get whatever help you possibly can.

 

[RubyT]

It sounds as though your father has an agreement with your mother about the situation. Maybe she asked him not to divorce until you and your sister are out of the house.

I assume your parents have been married for at least 16 years. That is a long time. Your mom having MS probably changed the relationship too. Your dad might not get the "awesomest person in the world"-award, but he has a life with dreams and desires too. Maybe what he's doing now is the best he can do.

 

[Not Matt]

first of all i want to say. you, your mother and your sister have my deepest sympathy. this is an extremely harsh and personal subject and the fact that you're so open about shows you have more backbone then most people on the face of the planet. also, please forgive me for calling you father a selfish scumbag. for all i know he can be the nicest guy ever but all i know of him is that he's cheating and lying so don't get mad if i call him out.

there is no go way to justify cheating, nothing, nix, zero, not a zip. and it brings me no pleasure to say that this has to get a lot worst before it can get better.

note: before you take any of my advice in to consideration. be sure that this girl your father is seeing is his "girlfriend" and not just his friend how's a girl.

Spoiler: solution 1: confront your father

i know you said this was something you really didn't want to do but this is actually the easiest one to do. you tell your father exactly what you have told us. tell him what he is doing to his family. tell him that what he is doing is wrong. don't get angry, do not scream or shout or yell. just be disappointed. i suspect your father is the type of person who will never learn that the stove is warm until they have touched it. if you try to confront your father you have to hurt him or less he won't listen (it's not fun and in fact it's pretty horrible. but it's true) most parents will just shrug it of as a whining child when their children come with them with a genuine and important complaint about the parents. if he just shrugs it of. get angry (even less fun).

tell him again what he's doing, that he is ripping the family apart and betraying your trust and that you're ashamed etc etc... this will be more painful for him then for you.

Spoiler: solution 2 tell friends and family

this can get ugly really quickly. i do not know if your mother knows about this or if your father's friends and parents have a clue but they should. maybe they can talk to him. if your dad won't listen to you or your sister. maybe they can tell him to take some responsibility. usually people listen to their friends and parents. the last one mostly because standing up to your parents hurts (as you probably know, once again sorry)

Spoiler: solution 3 tell the girl

okay, this one can hurt but can also work really well. i don't know if she knows your father is cheating or if your family even exist at all or if you already have met her. if she has any integrity she too will try to help you.

Spoiler: solution 4 tell a priest

i there is that one thing i know about priests it's that they are all about moral. Tell you local priest or the priest at your school (you said you went to a catholic school) if your father is as religious as it seems in your description. being shouted at by a priest will defiantly make him think about what he has done

Spoiler: solution 5 tell EVERYONE

Before you read this i want to remind you that this is an idea and not a suggestion. this one can and most lightly will backfire.

amusing you live in a small town. find a way to let the town know what your father is doing.
if you live in a larger city i think you can limit it to only letting your neighborhood or district know.
if a large group is angry at you, you will rethink every single thing you have ever done. maybe it will help[footnote] remember, this is not recommended [/footnote]

Spoiler: solution 6 have an intervention

this one how ever i highly recommend. it is sure to give you some kind of reaction and when you have more people you can trust around you feel more secure about telling your father how you feel. it becomes less scary when you don't have to do it alone.not to mention, it is every idea i have come up with (except nr. 5). not to mention that your father will have no choice but to listen to you. no father wants to cause the children harm. once he realize what he's doing he might start acting like a grown up. he can hear the other sides of the story and see what he does from an other persons perspective. if your gonna consider any of my ideas, consider this one

Spoiler: solution 7 marriage counseling

there really isn't much you could do with this one. it's just an idea

i am sorry i can't be to more help than to write on a forum. i wish you good luck and hope it turns out alright for you.

 

[Griffolion]

Wow, well it sounds like you need to force your dad's hand on this issue. It's negatively affecting you, your sister and your mum. Your mum shouldn't have to put up with this stuff, especially in her condition. I don't know who you can go to regarding family, but try everyone you think may help. But if nothing else try your church, the priest may be able to do something if your family is a known entity within your church.

Either way, you shouldn't have to be putting up with this, your dad sounds like he's just avoiding his responsibilities towards your mum, you and your sister by spending time with this "friend". Despite what the reason is, mid-life crisis, inability to deal with your mum's condition, whatever, it's no excuse for this stuff.

Many people have said to keep the status quo as best as possible due to your dad's financial support of the family that, I'm assuming, is still ongoing despite this issue. I guess the decision to make is, are you prepared to keep this status quo for the sake of finances while enduring the mental torture of wondering just what the hell is going on, not to mention seeing your mum go through what she must be feeling?

 

[MeChaNiZ3D]

Oh hell no.

Now I am a pretty insensitive guy. But taking advantage of someone's MS to cheat on them, neglicting your duties and kids whilst doing it, is pretty damn low in my book. I was exepcting a mitigating factor, like...well I don't know, but I was expecting SOMETHING. But nothing about your post indicates to me "Well, he may be cheating but if that's the case perhaps it's ok". If anything it's far worse than I thought it would be.

I got nothing for you, no advice. You're 16, you shouldn't be expected to support the family in your father's absence. All I can say is honestly, I think it's despicable behaviour and you know your dad better than I do, if you can, talk to him reasonably, but this looks to me like the kind of thing that ends in divorce if confronted.

 

[krazykidd]

Of course he is justified . He a) told you guys he is seeing someone else and b) you guys are not babies anymore . So the fact that he is still loving with you is not his fault , no one told him he should leave . The fact that your mother is sick ( my condolences btw ) means absolutely nothing , other than trying to make us sympathetic . She could also be healthy and he could be cheating , which isn't really cheating if he told her and she doesn't care/do anything about it .

On thing i don't get about this story , you say he lies about going to his mother , why would he lie after he already told you the truth?

So either you guys ask him to leave , or decide to ignore it , or talk to him . Not much you can do . Unfortunately , they way you made it seem ,is that he would most likely leave of confronted . I know it's your Dad , but he is a person before anything else . He shouldn't be for es to do anything . Especially since it doesn't look like he is abusing you .

No he is not at all justified here. He's not doing his responsibilities, and he's taking advantage of all of you. He's being a straight-up asshole here, and you should not have to put up with it.

What you need to do is talk to the rest of your family about it, and then confront him together. Trying to confront somebody by yourself is difficult, but with multiple people it becomes much easier. I would tell him something along the lines of "what you are doing is not okay, and you need to stop or get the fuck out," but you might find something that would work better. Bottom line, don't be tactful, and tell it like it is.

How is he taking advantage of them ? Accordingto this story , he does his duties , hastily , and rushes to see his girlfriend 1 day a week ...

 

[Nex Vesica]

Based off what you provided, no, your father is not justified. There are some key pieces missing however, and I don't want to go off on you but dude...WTF? I know its an incredibly stressful situation, but -you- need to step up too, your whole entire family does. Your dad be damned if he gets whiney because you cut "his grass" there is absolutely no reason whatsoever that you should be letting your INCREDIBLY sick mother be doing work like that, and it should never get to the point where she's that desperate for it to be done that she has to do it herself. Like, even if it is just early stages its still a pretty serious disease, and unless I'm mistaken you already said she has trouble walking, so I can only imagine the difficulty she has performing what we see as basic tasks around the house.

The other thing that really struck me is this has been going on for months and you haven't spoken to your mother about it. Again, I sympathize with how difficult the situation is, but imagine what it must be like on her end. Straight up, talk to her about it, it could be something that her and your father have already worked out. My best friends parents knew they were going to get divorced, but they waited until my friend had gone off to college before actually making it official, however near the end of it they were both dating other people. Even if that is the case and she's perfectly okay with it, you'll honestly most likely be making her happy just by the fact you're showing an interest/concern for her. It might not seem like much, but just spending time with her and showing that you care about her can do wonders for her mood and can potentially help take off at least some of the stress of what she is going through.

This is something you need to talk to your family about, not random strangers on the internet who barely even know any of the details of the situation. Not just the cheating stuff either, but the future of your mother in general. As it gets worse, she's going to have increasingly limited movement, on top of rushing off to be with this other woman, your father also has his own job, and if you and your siblings are getting to that age where you're going to be finishing up school and going off to college/getting jobs of your own it might mean that there isn't always someone around to help take care of your mother. Just figure it out, and really, focus on your mother right now, she's the one who is going to most need your help. If she really does want to get a divorce she can at least get disability, and if you and your sibling(s) can get jobs of your own to help out with things then awesome, it will probably be a necessity since disability really tends to be pretty limited. Maybe organize a church fundraiser or something too? Go to other family members? I dunno, there are plenty of options available I'm sure, but again, its hard to say because we barely know any details and well, again, it isn't our lives, we can give a little advice here and there, but this is something that you and your family need to iron out, the best we can really do is provide some potential ideas to bring up to them such as the ones I mentioned above and the many others that I'm sure other people can come up with.

 

[Rastien]

Your dad's being a douche for sure.

Talk to your family and confront him about the matter :/ it's all you can do.

Just a quick question though

Why in your title thread and in a few other posts "Is my dad justified in effectively cheating on his wife" you refer to your mum as your dads wife and not your mum do you feel a bit distanced from her?

You don't have to answer this and you can tell me to fuck off i'm just curious as i'm abit similar in that aspect.

 

[Callate]

I think what your father is doing is despicable. But I also think that if, as it seems, he's the sole financial support of the family, there isn't a heck of a lot practically that can be done about it. People are capable of self-justifying all manner of things, and sometimes confronting them about it only leads to hostility; chances are, your dad knows on some level that what he's doing isn't on the straight-and-narrow.

I recognize that your mother's illness has undoubtedly put some very difficult pressures on your father, sexually and otherwise. But you don't get married to cop out when things get tough. I hope you have a way out (college or otherwise) when you turn 18; having to stay around and watch the situation at home deteriorate is more than should be asked of you.

 

[Kyr Knightbane]

You should do the right thing and invoke the right of challenge for besmirching your mothers honor. Then once you have dispatched this foul cur, you should place his unworthy head upon a pike and display it for all to see!

Seriously.

Do this.

Then once you have finished him, take his concubine as your conquest. (Not your mom, thats gross. Take his girlfriend, she seems to be around your age group)

Problem solved. Honor regained. Reprehensible cur dispatched.

 

[spartan231490]

She knows, I see no problem with it.

Totally agree with you. What's with all these white knights holding other people up to the highest standards. The guy probably didnt get laid in 10 years and now he's finally able to fulfill a basic human need and he get's bitched at by everyone because he actually have the balls to enjoy life.

I really wonder if the outrage would be the same if his mom was cheating on his; OP and the other posters would see that situation in a totally different light just because she's a woman, probably spouting some excuses like "but she just needed to be loved" or "she was in an emotionally abusive relationship because she didnt get anymore attention from her ms-riddled husband".

I say your dad has it pretty well figured out: taking care of his family financially & emotionally (he's still living at your place and sounds like a pretty standup guy, having confessed) while neglecting minor duties like cutting the fucking grass or helping your sis with her homework to get some actual enjoyment out of life and not be reduced to a caretaker for his family without any regard for his happiness.

Goooo your dad

Wouldn't go that far. The dad is a dick, but not for "cheating."

Anyone who lets their debilitated wife mow the lawn is a dick. However, so is the OP, who is 16 years old and lets their sick debilitated mother mow the lawn. Seriously bro, put the video games/computer down for 20 minutes and mow the lawn. That's probably the whole point of this thread, blame my dad so I don't have to feel like a dick for making my sick mother mow the lawn. Grow up.

 

[AlphaLackey]

She knows, I see no problem with it.

Totally agree with you. What's with all these white knights holding other people up to the highest standards. The guy probably didnt get laid in 10 years and now he's finally able to fulfill a basic human need and he get's bitched at by everyone because he actually have the balls to enjoy life.

I really wonder if the outrage would be the same if his mom was cheating on his; OP and the other posters would see that situation in a totally different light just because she's a woman, probably spouting some excuses like "but she just needed to be loved" or "she was in an emotionally abusive relationship because she didnt get anymore attention from her ms-riddled husband".

There is absolutely zero doubt whatsoever that, with the roles reversed, the reaction at large (by society, and even more so here) would be far more positive. Heck, you could even replace "debilitated by MS" with "has trouble holding down a job" and you'd still see the same phenomenon.

To the peddlers of sententious morality in this thread, I ask you but one question: All other things being what they are, would the OP and the mother be better off if the father left, or would they be worse off if the father left?

 

[Erana]

Figure out what is actually happening, figure out if anything immediately needs to change, and start working out the emotional baggage it sounds like this situation is causing.

What concerns me is the way you're describing this situation- the "its affecting all of us" that you keep talking about how he isn't there... Did he used to be there for yall? Has this been a sudden change? Its clear that you're close with your mother and sister, but with your father, its more vague. Perhaps he's having a hard time handling your mothers' health issues and is taking solace in someone new. (platonicly or otherwise)

Chronic health problems are hard for everyone involved in that person's life. You've lived with her being sick for most of your life- its a matter of life for you. But having my own mother experience chronic pain for over two years now, having to accept a new paradigm is incredibly taxing. Your father has had to see his wife suffer for a long time, and, well, go play Silent Hill 2.
If this is what's causing his behavior, it doesn't justify it, but it does explain it, and gives you an obstacle that you all can work on together as a family.

But back to the way you were describing the situation- you seem very, very anxious about the issue and uncomfortable about talking to him about it. Would it be possible that your father was never as good a man as you thought him to be, and you're just now seeing it?