Alternatively titled "Insert Your Own 42 Joke Here".
So, now we have one final major, marked sidequest for us to do. (We will not being doing Strictly Business for Karma reasons.) The "Wasteland Survival Guide" quest, we need to talk to Moira to get it. It's a long fucking quest, I only assume it's meant to be completed over the course of the game, and not all at once.
"Well, it's a dangerous place out there in the Wastes, right? People could really use a compilation of good advice. Like a Wasteland Survival Guide!"
Oh god, this is already tied with the Nuka-Cola sidequest for the hardest sidequest to justify in character. If you're in the middle of a quest that could save the wasteland, I don't think you're going to stop everything you're doing and help some person write a book.
"For that, I need an assistant to tset my theories. I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt because of a mistake. Nobody's ever happy when that happens."
Oh great, we get to be guinea pigs. Add it to our resume. Note that this is the third time we've been someones lab assistant. (I really should just do a resume mini-update at the end of the LP.)
"No... Then they just yell a lot. At me. With mean, mean words."
Moira is kind of annoying, but it's hard for me to stay mad at one of the few NPC's in this game that isn't a total asshole.
"Okay, I guess I'll help with this "Survival Guide".
"All right, then! Now, I think the first chapter will have to be about surviving day-to-day dangers."
Oh, so you mean super mutants, raiders, mirelurks, etc.?
"Things like where it is and isn't safe to find food, the dangers of radiation, and how to avoid and even profit from dangerous landmines."
Oh...
"Ooh, sounds like fun, doesn't it? Which do you want to do first?"
"What's this about radiation?"
"Well, that's what I need your help for, isn't it? I know lots about it from books, but I never seem to get a live example. Not for long, anyway."
That's encouraging.
"So I need you to get a bit of radiation poisoning so I can study its effects. Oh, not a deadly dose, of course - I can fix you up before that!"
"Okay, I'll get irradiated. Just be ready to fix me up when I get back."
We already have enough radiation, but we want way more than this to complete the optional objective for this particular part of the quest, because doing the optional objectives gives you better rewards.
"Oh, you're a peach! Or, at least, some sort of hardy fruit that grows in the savagely irradiated mockery of agriculture we have nowadays."
Argiculture? Where?
"Now, 200 rads should be enough for basic sickness, but if you can get 600 or more rads, my tests will be even more accurate."
Screw that, let's be extreme and go for 900+ rads. There isn't any bonus for that, but shut up!
"Just make sure you can get back here, and I'll see to it that you're well taken care of!"
Even though the bomb is diffused, this is our closest source of radiation. Let's take a bath in the water.
Of course, we can't get slowly irradiated in peace, because there is this guy rambling about the bomb being holy or something. Why is every single religious group in this game a crazy cult?
Damn it, we have to listen to all this guys crap while we're slowly waiting to get enough rads. He goes on for a really, really long time too without repeating.
We entertain a particular thought of Lily setting the guy on fire, but of course, we don't actually do it. But it's hard to resist. So. Annoying.
Then I realize we can just drink the water and get incredibly irradiated quickly. Too bad I didn't realize this earlier.
We keep drinking until we get as much rads as we can get before dying.
Oh I get it. Radiation puns.
"I'm about as irradiated as I can get without burning a hole in the floor."
"I can tell... You're positively glowing!"
Oh haha, more radiation puns...
Please heal us now...
"Now just hold on and try not to move. Tell me how it feels, and I'll get you fixed right up."
"Just do your examination and fix me up, please."
This is where we kind of screw up. We want to do all the skill/SPECIAL checks to get the best rewards in the quest, and I pick the wrong. Eventually I reload a save and go back through this part and the next part of the quest to fix that.
"You're a mighty lucky one, you know that? At this state, most people'd have trouble standing up, much less walking over here."
Well, we literally only had to walk feet away and come back.
"Now, let me take a few notes, and I'll handle that nasty radiation with a bit of my own home-made rad-cure concoction."
Oh god no, I'll chance the radiation poisoning. Do you have any rad-away?
"I've never had a chance to test it out on someone so heavily dosed, but I'm sure it'll work out fine. Exciting, isn't it?"
So Moira heals us. Apparently her concoction is composed of brahmin milk, a couple of magnets and some "happy thoughts".
Somehow, it works.
"Well, you're alive... That's the good news. But there was a little side effect. A teeny, tiny, um, mutation. But it seems to be benign, at least."
Is it an extra toe?!
""Here, take a few radiation Chems, as my little way of saying, "I'm sorry I twisted your DNA like a kitten with a ball of yarn.""
Fuck the Enclave, Moira is the real villain in this game.
"I'm ready to continue research on the first chapter."
There's three different sections to each chapter. There are three chapters. Hopefully not all of them will involve us horribly mutilating ourselves.
"Getting food doesn't sound so bad. What are you looking for?"
"Well, food and medicine. Everyone needs them once in a while, right? So they need a good place to find them!"
WHY DON'T THEY MAKE THEM THEMSELVES-
Oh, sorry. I just lost my sanity there for a second.
"There's an old Super-Duper Mart not far from here. I need to know if a place like that still has any food or medicine left in it."
Well... We took it all...
"I guess I can check the Super-Duper Mart again."
Once again, we make another screwup here. We can say we've already been there, but I didn't realize that this counts for the optional objective too. So pretend like this part of the conversation never happened.
I reloaded, and say that we've already been here. She responds accordingly.
"Really? You did? You did! Well, all right! Tell me all about it!"
"[Intelligence] The Raiders were using the pharmacy as a place to store their best gear."
Okay, so my question about the store having a mini-nuke in it has now been answered. I'll give you this one, Bethesda.
"So, you're saying that they acquired a well-protected stash? I wonder how many other places are hiding treasures behind monsters, hrm?"
That second sentence doesn't make sense in context...
"Well, keep what you got. Just traded for a big food shipment, myself. Here, take a bit, my treat - the taste kind of grates after a while."
We sell it right back to her for a meager profit.
"Oh, and take this! It's an old Food Sanitizer. Just carry it with you, and it should automatically make most food and drink more, um... better."
If you're noticing a pattern, it's that Moira is giving us a not negligible reward. At a high level, this quest is probably the most profitable in the entire game. It's also one of the longest too.
"Let's finish up the chapter with that landmine research."
I hope she doesn't want to study landmine wounds next...
"Landmines are one of the few dangers out there you can profit from."
Bullshit. Loot is a major aspect of this game, every bad guy with a gun you can profit from.
"I've heard stories about a ghost town that's just full of mines. Tradeers just call the place "Minefield"."
Minefield apparently only exists for this quest.
"Sounds like the place for some fieldwork! Get in there, get back, and tell me all about it. And could you bring back a mine for my studies?"
We sold her like 5 mines before coming in here...
"I'll head into Minefield. Wish me luck."
"Oh, don't worry. No one ever goes there because they say it's a ghost town. And since ghosts don't exist, you can just focus on the landmines."
I wouldn't be so sure about that. What about the Dunwich Building?
"I hear there's a playground in the middle of the town. Reach that point and come back, and I'm sure you'll have some stories to tell!"
That's rather arbitrary, but okay...
Our closest location to Minefield is the Scrapyard, at least it isn't too far away. Notice the sign on the left with the propaganda poster. That little shack on the right? That's where you go if you have the contract killer perk.
More Yao Guai. I'm pretty sure that the Deathclaws show up in random places on the map instead of Yao Guai once you pass a certain level, but I could be wrong.
It's not match for our flamer.
This Minefield. It's just a block of houses in the midle of nowhere. Before you ask, no there isn't a settlement here, for some strange reason. Why is it called Minefield?
That's why. The mines have a tendency to blow up nearby cars, resulting in a wave of nuclear explosions.
It doesn't help that there is a sniper in a building down the street taking potshots at you.
Oh crap, another flaming car.
Dogmeat can eat those bombs for breakfast. I've honestly never been able to kill Dogmeat before. The most damage he has taken during the entire LP was during the Head of State quest, our first encounter with a Ghoul Reaver and even then he hardly took much damage.
Our Energy Weapons skill is high enough that we can pretty much snipe with the laser pistol.
We get a crit and vaporize him.
The guy has some supplies set up here. I couldn't find his actual body to loot it, I can't seem to find that particular pile of ash.
And there's some ammo up here too. It's not like we need anymore ammo of course.
So now, we just walk over to the park and complete this particular section of the quest. Let's fast travel back.
"Because, you know, they're on the ground, like potatoes. And hot, because they, um, explode. Anyway, what's up?"
"I got through Minefield alive, and I even brought you a present."
"My very own landmine!"
You have like 10 in your inventory, lady.
"Just what I've always wanted. Well, always since I sent you out on this, anyway."
This is the 3rd sidequest where I feel like the quest giver has sent many other people out to their deaths before asking you. Moira just tries to make herself look innocent by looking utterly, utterly stupid.
"Now, tell me all about it. What was it like going through there? What's it like disarming a landmine?"
"[Agility] Fast hands and faster wits can get you an awful lot. Including landmines."
Skill checks are never a bad thing, but these aren't skill checks, they're SPECIAL checks. If you don't have a 7 in INT or CHA for this quest, you're fucked.
"That's a pretty good way of putting it. I think I'll use that in the book. Maybe I should credit you as a co-author, instead of just a researcher?"
Co-author eh? Add it to the list.
"I know you may not want to see any more explosives for a while, but obviously you know your way around them. Have a couple of rainy-day toys of mine. And looking at this landmine, it gives me an idea. It's a terrible device that does terrible things, of course. But it's easy to make your own, too."
You get a Bottlecap Mine schematic. Why would you use money to a make a mine, it never made sense to me. Is it the shrapnel? Couldn't you just use other various, non valuable pieces of metal. Regardless, this is a great reward. Schematics are usually rewards for completing quests entirely, and we're only 1/3rd of the way through. I got to admit, this quest really does give some great rewards for completing it, especially if you do the optional objectives.
"Does that finish out the first chapter?"
"It most certainly does. And if I keep writing in the style of some of your reports, this is going to be one mighty slick book!"
Of course if we lied or didn't do the optional objectives, things wouldn't be going so well.
"Here, for your services, I've saved up quite a few stimpaks. Of course, you may need them: we've still got two more chapters to go."
More stimpaks? Sure, we already have over 100 of them.
"I'm ready to start researching the next chapter."
"The second chapter's going to be a bit trickier, I think. It'll cover how to handle creatures out there, for better or worse."
So, are we going to fight the really threatning creatures this time? Super mutants, deathclaws?
"For example, replling Mole Rats, learning about Mirelurks, and when all else fails, how to handle being injured."
Oh...
"So, let's buckle down and get to work on this chapter. What first?"
"I'm going to hate myself for this, but what do you mean about handling injury"
"Well, I never get to study anyone who's severely injured. Not without them crying to be fixed right away or trying to bleed out and all that."
This is why people around here don't like you, Moira.
"But obviously, you can handle a lot of abuse, so if I'm ever going to find a good example of human anatomy and injury resistance, it'd be you."
So, in essence, we're a crash test dummy? Add it to the list.
"Next time you get badly injured, return here so I can examine you before I heal you up. I mean, you're going to get yourself hurt anyway, right?"
...Okay, I'll give her that.
"[Medicine] Why get myself hurt? I'm a good enough doctor to explain this part for you."
Thank christ, we have a speech check that lets us avoid having to have Moira try to stitch us up. Alternatively, we just throw ourselves over the railing outside Moira's store and drag up broken legs back to Moira.
"That'll save a lot of time and effort. Oh, and blood, on your part. A real-world example might help more, but I won't turn down the help! Oh, and here's your pay for it all. Guess you earned it by working smarter, not... um... more self-destructively."
"I'm ready for more research on the second chapter. What's this about studying Mirelurks?"
"Mirelurks are a big threat in some areas, and knowing more about them can help people learn to avoid, or even outsmart them. So I picked up this observer device to study them in their natural habitat."
You know, as stupid as she seems, Moira really is rather smart when it comes to stuff like this.
"I need you to hide it in one of the spawning pods in their lairs."
"All right, I'll try."
"That's great. I recommend the nest at the Anchorage War Memorial. I knew a trader who talked about Mirelurks down there. Just go inside and find one of their spawning pods, probably down near the water. Put this observer inside, and get out quietly."
Spoiler: It doesn't go quite as planned...
"And be sure not kill any Mirelurks inside their nest! If you do, it could ruin the validity of the study!"
We fast travel in front of Dukov's Place and find the same exact random encounter as we did before. A mind controlled deathclaw attacking it's handler.
There isn't only a deathclaw here of course.
There was a Tesla Armor trooper attacking us too. More power armor for us = more caps. It's not like we need more caps, by the end of this update we'll have about 10000 caps.
We can see the Anchorage Memorial statue from over here. That's not how the liberation of Anchorage went down. We can vouch for that.
So we can't kill the mirelurks if we want the best reward for this quest. Note that it doesn't matter if your companion kills the mirelurks, nor does it matter if you kill any mirelurks outside the place.
Let's use a stealth boy to get through this part. If you haven't noticed, I've been hoarding the things. In fact, I pretty much hoard all the medical supplies you can get in this game.
We try to avoid this mirelurk hunter, but Dogmeat makes it hard for us.
Fuck it, let's just run in, put the thing on the mirelurk eggs and get out.
Alright, good. Let's get the hell out of here.
We have to dodge every attack from the Mirelurks in here. Dogmeat pulls the aggro of like 6 of them.
We survive and make it outside.
"I slipped the observer in with the eggs, and they're none the wiser."
Erm, yeah. It's not like they chased us out or anything...
"I'll bet most people would have just gone in there, guns blazing, without half a thought. But not you! You're the best research assistant ever! I've been getting a good signal, but what do you think about them from your first-hand observations of them?"
"[Intelligence] They descended from local crabs. I'd call them "Scylla Serrata Horrendus."
We have enough strength and charisma to pass the other checks for some reason. I don't remember having a 7 (the minimum to pass these checks) Strength...
"That's very scientific of you! Personally, I wasn't sure if they were crabs or if they came from some sort of brine shrimp, perhaps. Some of these observations about their armor and camouflage gave me an idea for reinforced, neutral-colored headgear. Here, consider it thanks for not interfering with them. Oh, speaking of which, take these. So you can continue to avoid them in the future."
6 stealth boys from that.
6.
"The last task for this chapter is something about Mole Rats, right?"
"Mole Rats can burrow into almost anything and cause a lot of trouble."
Really? They're about as strong as radroaches...
"So I figured I'd make a chemical repellent stick for people to shoo them off. But I need it to be tested before I put the recipe to paper in the guide. So I need you to find some Mole Rats and test it out a bit."
"I'll test out the Repellent for you."
"It'll be easy. One tap with the applicator, and it overwhelms their senses with a sort of "feel-bad" sensation. Then they're gone before you know it! You could test it out on just a few Mole Ratties, but for real testing, try it on ten or more. There should be plenty in the Tepid Sewers, downtown."
What a creative name for a sewer level...
The Tepid Sewers is literrally a few feet away from the Anchorage Memorial. It's time to go in and beat some mole rats with a stick.
Using the repellent stick causes their heads to explode...
There is also some raiders down here. The repellent stick isn't quite as effective on him, I'm afraid.
We still need to kill 2 more mole rats, and there's none to be found here.
We take the wrong turn and end up in the raider infested part of the sewers, which also apparently happens to be part of the metro. Let's turn back.
That's a bit of a problem. Where are we going to reliably find two mole rats to kill?
Back in Megaton of course. Behind the city there is a ton of mole rat spawns.
And now we're done. Back to Moira.
"I tested the Mole Rat repellent extensively."
"Oh, excellent! Substantial field-testing, precise reports, and such dedication! What more could I ask for in a research assistant? So, how did my chemical repellent work? Safe and clean like a charm, I'll bet!"
Well, no. Unless cleaning up bits of mole rat brain off your shoes is your idea of clean.
"[Intelligence] It appears that Mole Rats have a most fatal allergy to it. Explosively so."
"Those poor little Mole Ratties! I wonder if I could make a hypoallergenic version? Oh, but that'd hardly be effective. I should mention that. Proper handling of Mole Rats could be important if they could be domesticated. Milked, maybe?"
Ew.
"Anyway, keep the repellent. Oh, but for you trouble, umm... Here, have the leftover chems from working on the repellent. I'm sure you can find some use for them."
"I suspect this completes the second chapter's research, correct?"
"Correct, as always! And your feedback's really led to a very smartly written book. Maybe too smart for some folks, I worry."
Well, if Moira can read it, I'm sure it's fine.
"Of course, if the reader can't be bothered to understand something important as a book on how to stay alive, then what can we do, huh? And in case those readers blame you for their ignorance, here's your payment: two big boxes of ammo. Now, on to the next chapter!"
You get 500 rounds 5mm ammo. Yeah.
"I'm ready to start researching the last chapter."
"The last chapter's a bit more esoteric. It's about the survival of humanity as a whole, and how to rebuild society. Deep stuff, huh?"
Riggght.
"We need to know how large settlements are formed, how to harness the old technology, and I'll need you to get ancient history from a nearby library."
I know how large settlements are formed in Fallout 3. "Oh look, that looks like an odd and inconvenient place, but wouldn't it be cool if someone built a city on it?. LET'S BUILD THERE!"
"We're in the last stretch, now, so let's finish it up strong! What first?"
"Researching local history sounds easy."
"Don't be so sure. You'd be surprised how confused people get, even about important things."
Didn't we already learn the history of Megaton from Simms-
"In this case, I'm talking about Rivet City. It's the most successful survivor settlement around, but no one here really knows how it started. Of course, that's why it's important to know how a plce like that succeeded. So I need you to go there and some researching!"
Why not? It's the least possible lethal thing we can do in this sidequest.
"Sounds reasonable. I'll research Rivet City's history."
"Oh, now I can't wait for what you find out down there! And check around to make sure you're hearing the real deal!"
Back in Rivet City. Again. You know, the sidequests at least make good use of the games major locations.
We want to find out more about Rivet City, so let's talk to Pinkerton.
For some stupid reason, we have to arbitrarily talk to some random NPC in the Muddy Rudder before talking to Pinkerton. Awesome.
You're not aspiring to do much if you name your bar the Muddy Rudder.
"I'll tell you what I tell all the fresh meat. Don't start anything down here or I'll have Brock kick your ass."
"Nice place you have here."
"You must be drunk. Are you going to order or what?"
"Have any stories about this place's history?"
"History? What, not enough shit around here already, you need to dig up more? Don't know if it ever had an official start. It's just been here forever, stuck in the river and full of assholes."
"[Speech, 100%] I bet someone like you hears lots of stories. Can't you share one?"
"[SUCCESS] No, I can't fucking well share one! What sort of moron are you?"
What? Did we fail that check or something-
"But, fine, if it'll get you out of my face: go down to Pinkerton's shed in the broken-off bow of the ship."
Oh, I see. Well, let's backtrack all the way back.
"If he decides to give you a history lesson, it's no business of mine. Now get the hell out of my bar."
"Tell me about the city's history."
"What? I have better things to do than yak about those back-stabbers up topside. Now get going!"
Yeah, Pinkerton really doesn't like the other people living in the city.
"I hear you're the only one who knows the truth about Rivet City's founding."
"Hah! Sounds like you've been poking around, all right. I'm surprised any of those reprobates even remember me. Maybe they still laugh about how they edged me out of the council, back then. But you can set the record straight!"
"Setting the record straight is exactly my goal."
It's all about telling him what he wants to hear.
"For that, you have to go all the way back to when remnants of the Naval Research Institute cleared the Mirelurks off the wreck about 40 years ago. We were looking for new lab-space, and this bucket of bolts just happened to have a well-preserved science bay on it. Everything else just grew up around that lab once we got it up and running. The science team was led by one "H. Pinkerton."
"So, you used to be in charge? How did you end up here?"
"That last until 'bout 18 years ago, when those ambitious backbiters like Li and her team little team showed up."
He really doesn't like Doctor Li. I don't blame him.
"She came in with her big "Purity Project" pipe dream, and my whole staff started working with her, those traitors! She even took my seat on the council. By then, I was glad to leave it behind. But hell if I'm leaving the city I made great!"
"Do you have any hard evidence of all this?"
"Of course I do! A good scientist always keeps track of their data! Here! They probably don't even remember, but I kept the records of that first council meeting. Take them, if it'll put them in their place!"
Alright, now we return to Moira. Alternatively, we could have just read his terminal to get the information but I was stupid at the time and forgot about it.
