Marrying Young

[Colour Scientist]

Over the weekend, I found out that one of my friends from secondary school is getting married to her boyfriend of 5 years in September.
I was pretty shocked as, even though they have a been together for quite a while, they are the same age as I am, 22.

As my friends and I were discussing this, another girl revealed that herself and her boyfriend had discussed the prospect of marriage and are basically unofficially engaged, despite the fact that they haven't even known each other a year. This one especially surprised me as she was bridesmaid at a wedding involving two people in their 20s late last year and that couple are already in the process of getting divorced.

As you can probably guess, I am totally baffled by their desire to get married so young. I mean, if you know you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, what's the rush into marriage? Surely, you have all of the time in the world to do it.

As I mentioned, I'm 22 and have been in a relationship for 3 years. I have never considered marriage and have no desire to get married for at least another decade, if I ever want to get married at all.

Obviously, everyone is different but I was wondering what the Escapist thought of getting married at a young age. Personally, I can't help but see it as a bit short sighted.
So, what do you think? Would you get married young or do you think it's better if people wait? Do even think 22 is young at all? Did you get married in your teens or early twenties or know anyone who did? How did it work out?
Do you even agree with the concept of marriage at all?

 

[Quaxar]

On the other hand if you know you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, why not marry to ensure legal recognition? I really don't see why one would plan to delay marriage for a decade just because the 20s "feel to young to be married", sure you might doubt that your relationship will last that long and splitting up is probably easier than divorce but marrying again isn't really an issue today either unless you absolutely need to have a religious wedding.

 

[Colour Scientist]

On the other hand if you know you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, why not marry to ensure legal recognition? I really don't see why one would plan to delay marriage for a decade just because the 20s "feel to young to be married", sure you might doubt that your relationship will last that long and splitting up is probably easier than divorce but marrying again isn't really an issue today either unless you absolutely need to have a religious wedding.

Well, these's a huge difference betweenw anything to spend the rest of your life with someone and actually spending the rest of your life with someone. If you are enjoying your relationship at a young age, I don't see why there's such a rush to complicate it with the work, stress and paperwork involved in getting married.
Considering that there's so much time to get married, settle down, have kids, I don't see why you would want to start the process as early as possible.

 

[Sack of Cheese]

I have friends who get married when they're 18 and they already have 2-3 children. (they'd be around 22-23 now) I also have friends in their 30s, 40s and are still looking.

If they think they found the right person, then good for them. I don't think we can expect all relationships to play out the same way... some people hit it off with others and find their suitable mates right away. For some it takes time, some prefer to get married early, some people don't want to get married at all.

 

[Kolby Jack]

On the other hand if you know you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, why not marry to ensure legal recognition? I really don't see why one would plan to delay marriage for a decade just because the 20s "feel to young to be married", sure you might doubt that your relationship will last that long and splitting up is probably easier than divorce but marrying again isn't really an issue today either unless you absolutely need to have a religious wedding.

Well, these's a huge difference betweenw anything to spend the rest of your life with someone and actually spending the rest of your life with someone. If you are enjoying your relationship at a young age, I don't see why there's such a rush to complicate it with the work, stress and paperwork involved in getting married.
Considering that there's so much time to get married, settle down, have kids, I don't see why you would want to start the process as early as possible.

If it's a truly special and secure relationship, complicating it wouldn't be a threat, and the resulting benefits would help you both out a great deal. Some people just feel sure about it, and others don't. True, a lot of people are wrong about their choice in marriage and I do think you should wait until you are both at least out of college and settled down AND have known each other for more than just a few months, but it's not my place to judge. When my buddy married a girl he met only just a few months prior (he was 19 at the time), I had a pretty good idea that it wouldn't last. Sure enough, they got divorced a year later after she cheated on him during a period where she was attending school across the country. I didn't say anything about it when they got married and I didn't say I saw it coming when they broke up, as it wasn't my place.

But it does work out sometimes as well. My parents got married in their early 20s and are still together over thirty years later with no sign of that changing. Granted, they didn't have kids until they were a few years into marriage, but considering my dad was in the military and getting deployed all the time back then, it makes sense.

That's what marriage is: a leap of faith. And despite what storybooks say, leaps of faith sometimes DON'T work out, but that doesn't mean some people shouldn't take them.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Of the people I know who married young, either it ended really badly for the wife, or it ended REALLY badly for the wife.

 

[shootthebandit]

Marriage holds very little meaning these days a lot of people have remained "life partners" for longer than a lot of people have been married. Just because you have that bit of paper that cost thousands of pounds doesnt make your relationship any more valid

 

[Colour Scientist]

Of the people I know who married young, either it ended really badly for the wife, or it ended REALLY badly for the wife.

That's pretty unpleasant, what happened?

 

[Thaluikhain]

Of the people I know who married young, either it ended really badly for the wife, or it ended REALLY badly for the wife.

That's pretty unpleasant, what happened?

Well, on one end of the spectrum, you have domineering behaviour, she tried to leave him once and he'd sit outside where she was with a gun in his car, he owes her some $20k or so she isn't going to see because he works in the courts and is friends with lawyers and magistrates and people.

On the other end, there's rape and torture, PTSD for years and so on.

In both of those cases, though, they've gotten divorced, so it ended.

EDIT: Might be one or two in between, not sure how old they were when they married.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Of the people I know who married young, either it ended really badly for the wife, or it ended REALLY badly for the wife.

That's pretty unpleasant, what happened?

Well, on one end of the spectrum, you have domineering behaviour, she tried to leave him once and he'd sit outside where she was with a gun in his car, he owes her some $20k or so she isn't going to see because he works in the courts and is friends with lawyers and magistrates and people.

On the other end, there's rape and torture, PTSD for years and so on.

In both of those cases, though, they've gotten divorced, so it ended.

That's terrifying.
Did the guys exhibit that kind of behaviour before they got married? I presume that they didn't.
At least they both got out, so many don't.

 

[Ikasury]

S'up, 24, been married 3yrs in December, been with mah boo since i was 17... now why get married? well, i was in the Navy and i get more money being married and have the chance of getting a place to bring hubs with me to wherever i go... so there's lots of advantages to marriage if you're, say, in the military...

as for since i'm now out...hrm... doesn't really hurt... hubby and i have had our rough spots, have even gotten to yelling spats about divorce, but that was from stress and all the bullshit going on outside our lives... i'm not going to say marriage is 'perfect' or anything, because i know its not, but both me and him have grown a lot because of it, and much much closer to each other now that we've gotten over a lot of personal bullshit...

i don't think we'd be this close if not for all this... personally, before getting married i only thought of marriage as a business deal so clans wouldn't kill each other, i like a lot of 'old ways' of thinking of things, but after BEING married, its changed... my husband is my mate, he's my one and only, and i am his, neither of us thought much of it before, just a means to an end and a 'why not?' anyway... i've seen a lot of relationships with worse setups and worse outcomes, you be in the Navy it happens ALOT, mostly for the money thing, i don't think a lot of people nowadays think much of marriage, despite all the media bullshit, in fact that may be a reason we all think less and less about it..

but to be honest, NOW i think a lot more about it, primarily because honestly i wouldn't admit just how much it may have meant in the beginning... who knows... if you find that person, grab them, take them, and never let them go, marriage just lets you have the legal power and social recognition to do so... i'd still 'why not?' if you're so sure that person is the one you want... i wouldn't change my weird relationship i know that :3

age doesn't really seem to be a factor in my way of thinking, so meh~

 

[Thaluikhain]

That's terrifying.
Did the guys exhibit that kind of behaviour before they got married? I presume that they didn't.

No idea. Something I've often wondered, how well you can determine if a person might end up like that, or for that matter, if you can be sure you won't yourself.

At least they both got out, so many don't.

Actually, going through my FB friends, almost half the women there have experience rape or abusive relationships (that I know of, and so far).

Like you say, terrifying, but it's become a routine banal sort of terrifying that's accepted as the way things are, almost the way things should be.

 

[Foolery]

Yeah it baffles me as well. I'm 21 but I have friends that are 22 and married. One couple even has a kid. What even baffles me more is when they plan to get married, but say they can't afford it. Why spend that much money on one day? Why get married at all if you're still figuring out how to pay for it? Plus, it makes no sense if you're already going to have house bills, car bills, and possibly children to look after in the future. But whatever, people can do what they want. It's definitely not something I would do.

 

[Alexi089]

I think a lot of people who get married very young have a bit of a fairy tale idea of marriage in their mind when they do it. They seem to think that being married will inherently make their personal bond stronger and forget it's really just down to them to decide how committed they are to each other. I don't know many who married before 25, but I have to wonder if they will last simply because a couple were only together 1 or 2 years before hand. That really isn't very long to decide whether you would want to live together for the rest of your lives.

I doubt I will ever marry because I see it is as too much of a financial gamble. With the divorce laws as they are, it's also a pretty flimsy commitment imo. If I did marry, I'd make sure to iron out all the fine details of what would happen if we divorced before marriage (which would also be in her favour, as it would save future solicitors expenses for the both of us. She'd also know that all her personal assets were protected as well); and if my potential spouse saw that as a deal-breaker, I'd know that it would be a mistake to marry her.

Admittedly, I come from a family with a long list of divorces, so I'm probably more jaded than average on the subject. There's no denying that it can wind up being a wholly unfair financial trap though, and that aspect of it really needs fixing.

 

[Sehnsucht Engel]

I don't think getting married young is bad. Maybe that's because two people that I know have children or are getting children soon. One of them is as old as me, and we used to be in the same class in secondary school. The other is my cousin and he's like two years older than me, but he's had a son for a year or more. I'm 22, almost 23.

So, in comparison to getting children at this age, I think marriage sounds fucking awesome. >_>

My older sister had two children before she even got married, and she was like in her mid thirties when she got married.

I'm against marriage. There's no advantages to it. It's just a dumb tradition.

 

[Hagi]

I'd say it's prudent to wait until you're at least at the end of your twenties.

Some people, probably the type who get married at those ages, like to think that at 18 you're a full-grown adult and all the development stuff is done but that simply isn't true.

As far as neurological stuff goes there's major developments still until you hit about thirty and minor things your entire life. Chances that such developments have some impact on your personality are rather high, and whilst you certainly won't be the same person for any two decades in a row the differences between 20 and 30 are on average much higher than later on in your life.

I think it's smart to wait until around 30 or so. But at the same time everyone should, of course, be free to decide for themselves within reasonable bounds. If others want to marry at 22 that's totally up to them, I just won't be doing it myself.

 

[Chemical Alia]

Obviously, everyone is different but I was wondering what the Escapist thought of getting married at a young age. Personally, I can't help but see it as a bit short sighted.
So, what do you think? Would you get married young or do you think it's better if people wait? Do even think 22 is young at all? Did you get married in your teens or early twenties or know anyone who did? How did it work out?
Do you even agree with the concept of marriage at all?

I really don't care much for the concept of marriage, honestly. I've been with the same guy for almost ten years, and I never really felt like "oh man, I can't wait to get married." I've never had the dream of a fancy, beautiful wedding, either.

That said, I was briefly engaged when I was 20 and in the army, to my first boyfriend ever. I'm glad I got myself out of that, because it was a terrible idea and I'm also pretty sure he was mostly aiming to get to live off base. I just turned 31 and I've seen quite a few of my friends get married super early over the years. They all seemed super hasty to me at the time, and they also all ended in divorce. My advice in general to any one is to wait to get married until you have lived a bit on your own, and you know you've learned how to support yourself. I've seen enough of my relatives get trapped in shitty marriages, have kids, and then no way to separate themselves from that relationship and support their children.

 

[CrimsonBlaze]

It's all up to the individuals, clearly.

I would have to say that before you should ever consider getting married at any age, you really need time to get to know your partner. I would say any time after 3 years of really getting to know your significant other and actually enjoying being around each other is when you might want to consider popping the question.

In regards to marrying young, i.e. in their early 20s, it certainly can be done, but why would you? You could still remain a couple and go about your lives together until you've mature a bit more, are sure of yourself and your relationship, have a stable job/career, have finished school, traveled a bit, and have even lived together for some time. If your truly believe that you are destined for each other, then you shouldn't need a ring and title to tell you that; at least not as quickly as possible.

 

[Kopikatsu]

My understanding is that the general rule of thumb was marriage is expected/acceptable after six months of dating. My grandparents got married at 18 after dating for four months, and they were married for over fifty years (up until my grandfather passed away).

As for myself, I've wanted to be married since I was about twelve. 'Course, I'm much older now and still have yet to ever be in a relationship of any kind, so I kind of gave up on the idea of ever being married (or in a relationship).