Maybe not the right place to ask but..

[PureBredGentleman]

Yeah I sort of figured that with your avatar. I'm just so tired.

But since you do see this from the opposite perspective as me, let me give you a little rundown about how much she knows me and my friend.

Me: I'm sort of the joker, the type who cheers a girl up by making her laugh, I've worked with her a lot in my drama class, but when we hang out, it's never alone or anything (too many times have girls gotten a creepy vibe from that) my friends and hers always come as well,.

Friend: A bit of a joker as well, but has a working cell phone. The obvious advantage here is that he was the first to comfort her when she broke up (albeit by text)

So I was wondering since I couldn't contact her today to comfort her, If I would call her up tomorrow to check up on how she's doing, would that be of any help?

It would be of help if you want to be her friend, but not if you want to be more than that.
You sort of missed your chance by being the second man in. Even if your friend doesn't make a movie, he's got first dibs sort of thing. Time is everything in these situations.

I find it quite sad that even when people get more mature and can reason, the whole "first dibs" thing still applies. I don't like using phrases like that because it implies that the girl is a piece of food or trophy meant to be won, I'd talk it out with her if I could, but I'm not sure she knows me well enough to accept that. And if I wait, then she'll be with my friend. Not a fun situation.

 

[PureBredGentleman]

As a chick, I must say, compare willies is the MOST informative and vital task you could ever do in this situation. All joking aside, don't confess.

Want to expand a bit on the no confessing side?

 

[latenightapplepie]

Do it, or don't and don't think about it too much and don't dilly-dally too much either. Your aim here is to avoid regret later in life - which would you regret more: losing the friend or missing out on the girl? Keeping in mind that friends come and go, as do girls.

 

[The_Deleted]

And next time you see the girl you should confess that the two of you like her and let her know that it's her choice and you're not gonna be immature and fight about it.

And let her play with both their emotions like a harpy? No. You'll just give her ammunition to play you off against each other.Who knows what she'll have you doing...*shudder*

 

[AngloDoom]

*Strolls in*

Honestly, I think one of the worst things you can do is try and make her choose between the two of you. I'm sure other people have said it before, but people have done that to me and I've seen it happen to other people and all it does is put you in an awkward position. Every single time I've seen it happen, the person put on the spot simply walked away from them both.

The one thing I think you should really worry about is giving off the 'flirting' vibe. Just be a friend. Cheer her up when she's down, it's better to do that in person. Be somewhat playful toward her, again to cheer her up. If you honestly want to go for more 'flirtatious' actions, drag her off on her own when she was in a group of friends before, and ask her how she is taking the break-up with her boyfriend; unless you think she doesn't want to be reminded.

Also, take into account she only just broke up with her boyfriend...she might not even be willing to go into a relationship. Best you can do is treat her mostly like a friend; you'll naturally give her more attention than your other friends, and your body-language will do the subtle hinting...hell, you'll show off in front of her a lot without noticing, but that's what happens. Just don't do that tactic of belittling people to make yourself look better; lots of people do that, again without noticing, and all it does is make you seem like an ass, especially if she ends up with someone else.


That's all I'm going to say, but you can feel free to PM me if you want to spill any more details. I may not be as helpful as other Escapists, but I've seen both sides of this particular story a couple of times, from personal experience and observation.

Good luck, man.

 

[PureBredGentleman]

Yeah I sort of figured that with your avatar. I'm just so tired.

But since you do see this from the opposite perspective as me, let me give you a little rundown about how much she knows me and my friend.

Me: I'm sort of the joker, the type who cheers a girl up by making her laugh, I've worked with her a lot in my drama class, but when we hang out, it's never alone or anything (too many times have girls gotten a creepy vibe from that) my friends and hers always come as well,.

Friend: A bit of a joker as well, but has a working cell phone. The obvious advantage here is that he was the first to comfort her when she broke up (albeit by text)

So I was wondering since I couldn't contact her today to comfort her, If I would call her up tomorrow to check up on how she's doing, would that be of any help?

It would be of help if you want to be her friend, but not if you want to be more than that.
You sort of missed your chance by being the second man in. Even if your friend doesn't make a movie, he's got first dibs sort of thing. Time is everything in these situations.

I find it quite sad that even when people get more mature and can reason, the whole "first dibs" thing still applies. I don't like using phrases like that because it implies that the girl is a piece of food or trophy meant to be won, I'd talk it out with her if I could, but I'm not sure she knows me well enough to accept that. And if I wait, then she'll be with my friend. Not a fun situation.

Sorry, but dibs has a genetic imperative; first responses and first impressions set the tone for the neural networks that is our brain. To deny that we are still affected by genetics, environment, and all sorts of other factors, is just to deny basic biology and psychology. Some things matter more than reason, to the human mind.

More than that, thinking of people as black boxes DOES result in better predictions. You use the tools you have to get the best results. Whether you like the phrase or not, or like the predictive power it has or not, you better use it, or you'll get left in the dust.

And the situation is only like this because you did not strike first!

That's what pisses me OFF THE MOST. I couldn't strike first. I HAD NO PHONE. My friend just stood there with his phone comforting her while I ate his dust. I mean I don't know if this helps, but he text comforted her, while as the second man I would Conversation comfort her.

 

[AngloDoom]

Conversation > Texting


It's qualify, rather than quantity; your friend can send a hundred nice texts before you, but if you have emotive conversations about her and yourself, you'll often find she draws herself closer to you. Look out for body-language, also, big winner that one. Just don't try and artificially position yourself into suggestive poses or anything. No, that's just odd.

Anyway, the thing I've found is that once you are close (like, best-friends close) with odd lashings of subtle flirting, if you do something that suggests you like her, it'll open her up to the idea and she may explore it more, and develop feelings for you, even if she didn't have them before.

Flirting isn't about quickly dragging someone over to your way of thinking, it's mostly about giving them a little nudge in the direction you want and letting them decide.


EDIT- Oh yeah, forgot to add that the above method to 'open her up to your feelings about her' can backfire dramatically if you don't reach a really close point first. If you can't reach that point, however, it often means it wasn't going to work out. If you honestly feel you can tell her most things, and you start walking into a room looking for her, and see she's doing the same, then you tell her.
The relationship I am in currently pretty much developed over a year of flirting, without meaning too a lot of the time. By most of the rules, I should not be going out with this girl, and I'm so damn lucky I am.

 

[The_Deleted]

And next time you see the girl you should confess that the two of you like her and let her know that it's her choice and you're not gonna be immature and fight about it.

And let her play with both their emotions like a harpy? No. You'll just give her ammunition to play you off against each other.Who knows what she'll have you doing...*shudder*

That is so stereotypical. Most women I know in that situation wouldn't do that. You cannot justify that statement as an average case, only as a worst case.

What?
Women are things.


That's a family Guy joke. Honest.
You're right,ofcourse, but certain people will play with your feelings if they get an opportunity. Is the OP willing to take that chance?

 

[PureBredGentleman]

*Strolls in*

Honestly, I think one of the worst things you can do is try and make her choose between the two of you. I'm sure other people have said it before, but people have done that to me and I've seen it happen to other people and all it does is put you in an awkward position. Every single time I've seen it happen, the person put on the spot simply walked away from them both.

The one thing I think you should really worry about is giving off the 'flirting' vibe. Just be a friend. Cheer her up when she's down, it's better to do that in person. Be somewhat playful toward her, again to cheer her up. If you honestly want to go for more 'flirtatious' actions, drag her off on her own when she was in a group of friends before, and ask her how she is taking the break-up with her boyfriend; unless you think she doesn't want to be reminded.

Also, take into account she only just broke up with her boyfriend...she might not even be willing to go into a relationship. Best you can do is treat her mostly like a friend; you'll naturally give her more attention than your other friends, and your body-language will do the subtle hinting...hell, you'll show off in front of her a lot without noticing, but that's what happens. Just don't do that tactic of belittling people to make yourself look better; lots of people do that, again without noticing, and all it does is make you seem like an ass, especially if she ends up with someone else.


That's all I'm going to say, but you can feel free to PM me if you want to spill any more details. I may not be as helpful as other Escapists, but I've seen both sides of this particular story a couple of times, from personal experience and observation.

Good luck, man.

I give you a round of applause my good buddy. That was quite informative and helpful. (NOT sarcasm, don't worry) I do have one question, it's summer, and she gave me her number, is it too early to call her up or anything? I don't want her to think I don't care about her brake up, but I don't want to bug her about it either. It's hard to tell.

 

[Bat Vader]

I find myself in a sort of jam here. There is this girl whom I really like and I've been meaning to ask her out for sometime. Problem is though, my best friend has the same idea. Of late, I have had no fucking phone to contact her or anything, but my friend has. It's late, I'm tired and can't sleep because everytime I close my eyes I see the two together. Humor me for a moment fellow escapists, and help me.

May I ask you an intimate question? Who's a bigger pussy, you or your friend?

Define "Pussy"

Lacking social skills, unassertive, unpopular, hesitant to engage in conversations with ladies, unconfrontational.

That sounds more like being shy. Who really needs to be popular? After high school it is the geeks, gamers, and nerds that go places and build businesses. Pacifism is a rare trait found in men these days.

 

[AngloDoom]

Call her. Numbers don't necessarily mean you like that person. Just call her up, even if it's "Yeah, just testing to see you haven't left a red-herring and fled the country" kind of call.

Have a chat, long chat. Don't bring up her boyfriend unless she does, but once she does don't feel ashamed about probing the mechanics of their previous relationship; most girls love to talk about the things they felt were wrong in their relationship, but they'll often feel guilty about saying it to people they don't trust. If she begins to naturally elaborate on the disadvantages of her last relationship, not only does it give you lots of 'avoid' points, but it also tell you whether she already has some inherent liking to you.

 

[El Poncho]

I was in the same position a few months back I said to my friend to tell her if he wants and if she says yes i'll back off but he got rejected and i've still got to tell her but i keep pussying out.

 

[manaman]

I find myself in a sort of jam here. There is this girl whom I really like and I've been meaning to ask her out for sometime. Problem is though, my best friend has the same idea. Of late, I have had no fucking phone to contact her or anything, but my friend has. It's late, I'm tired and can't sleep because everytime I close my eyes I see the two together. Humor me for a moment fellow escapists, and help me.

May I ask you an intimate question? Who's a bigger pussy, you or your friend?

Define "Pussy"

Lacking social skills, unassertive, unpopular, hesitant to engage in conversations with ladies, unconfrontational.

That sounds more like being shy. Who really needs to be popular? After high school it is the geeks, gamers, and nerds that go places and build businesses. Pacifism is a rare trait found in men these days.

Sure you can make a shit load of money being intelligent and unassertive, you can labor away for 12 hours a day everyday being an engineer for $90,000 a year. That is however all you can expect out of like like that. To really get anywhere, and reliably get anywhere you still gotta be the jerk, the aggressive type A personality.

Sure there are the Bill Gates of the world, but that is one man in a sea of Type A asshats that are running everything else. Including those genius "shy" men you are talking about.

 

[PureBredGentleman]

I find myself in a sort of jam here. There is this girl whom I really like and I've been meaning to ask her out for sometime. Problem is though, my best friend has the same idea. Of late, I have had no fucking phone to contact her or anything, but my friend has. It's late, I'm tired and can't sleep because everytime I close my eyes I see the two together. Humor me for a moment fellow escapists, and help me.

May I ask you an intimate question? Who's a bigger pussy, you or your friend?

Define "Pussy"

Lacking social skills, unassertive, unpopular, hesitant to engage in conversations with ladies, unconfrontational.

That sounds more like being shy. Who really needs to be popular? After high school it is the geeks, gamers, and nerds that go places and build businesses. Pacifism is a rare trait found in men these days.

Ummm... no. Being "Lacking social skills, unassertive, unpopular, hesitant to engage in conversations with ladies, unconfrontational." is never a good thing.

To the OP: If that's you I say let it go. The odds are he or neither of you will get the girl and you might also loose a friend. If you're not a pussy, go for it.

Me: Social (to an extent, I tend to trip over myself from time to time, usually because my brain has yet to realize that my vocabulary is not as big as it thinks it is.) Pretty popular, but not in a big tough manly sports jock way, more of the creative type who writes stories and draws, also I sang to this song in a talent show. http://filmcow.com/youtube-johnmccain.html

That sure as hell got me known. Albeit as the "kid who does things no one else has the guts to do in public"