Maybe not the right place to ask but..

[TriGGeR_HaPPy]

I'm wondering if I'll be able to help here, honestly, as most relationships I've been in have started in surprisingly stereotypical fashion, despite me being a geek/nerd...
I won't go into it, it's mostly kinda embarrassing situations that I more expected to see in romance movies, or day-time TV shows.
Just take my word for it lol...

Anyway, back on topic:
There's really no easy answer here. Whatever people are saying, it could turn out well or it could turn out badly.
So this is really up to you, no one else.
Are you going to go for it? Stand back and let your friend "have a go" (to put it very crudely)? Talk to your friend beforehand and decide with him?
And if you are going to go for it... Are you going to take it slow, fast, just go with the flow?

No matter how you do this, it could turn out as you with the girl, your friend with the girl, or neither. You might keep your friendship, or otherwise...
This is a horrible situation, I know. But whatever you decide, you can't do nothing. Decide, and go for whatever you decide.
If you don't do anything, then for a long time you'll wonder how things might have gone if you went ahead and did something.
And even if it does turn out badly, well... You'll survive.
But still, decide, even if just for that off chance of you getting the girl and keeping your friendship.

I'm not really helping here, I'm sorta just being kind of ambiguous lol.
So I'll leave you now, with the idea that you have to decide. Talk to other friends about it, that's what I usually do if I'm in one of "those" situations. They can usually help you decide.

Good luck.

 

[Bat Vader]

I find myself in a sort of jam here. There is this girl whom I really like and I've been meaning to ask her out for sometime. Problem is though, my best friend has the same idea. Of late, I have had no fucking phone to contact her or anything, but my friend has. It's late, I'm tired and can't sleep because everytime I close my eyes I see the two together. Humor me for a moment fellow escapists, and help me.

May I ask you an intimate question? Who's a bigger pussy, you or your friend?

Define "Pussy"

Lacking social skills, unassertive, unpopular, hesitant to engage in conversations with ladies, unconfrontational.

That sounds more like being shy. Who really needs to be popular? After high school it is the geeks, gamers, and nerds that go places and build businesses. Pacifism is a rare trait found in men these days.

Sure you can make a shit load of money being intelligent and unassertive, you can labor away for 12 hours a day everyday being an engineer for $90,000 a year. That is however all you can expect out of like like that. To really get anywhere, and reliably get anywhere you still gotta be the jerk, the aggressive type A personality.

Sure there are the Bill Gates of the world, but that is one man in a sea of Type A asshats that are running everything else. Including those genius "shy" men you are talking about.

There is a difference between unassertive and shy. I don't talk to women that much but I won't stand for being picked on or being passed over for a promotion. Besides if I am making $90,000 a year who needs women when you have money.

Also, one man can make a difference. Obama is pretty much a pacifist and he won over Mccain who was a jerk and an asshat.

Obama is confident and assertive. He is also a charismatic speaker with prepared speech. Your choice of example did more to prove my point then your own.

It is true that there is a difference between being unassertive and being shy. Shy pertains more to social interaction. However I generalize because they tend to go hand and hand.

As for not needing women when you make 90k a year. That is not really a lot of money. Beside a real relationship is worth a lot more then a hundred one night stands. Truly finding someone you can spend the rest of your life with is a very special thing.

Unlike MCcain, Bush, and Cheney he know when to exit a fight. I am shy and a loner so I have no real use for people except when I need something. Who ever said one night stands were involved. I plan to die a virgin. As I said relationships are for other people. They are not for me.

 

[manaman]

Unlike MCcain, Bush, and Cheney he know when to exit a fight. I am shy and a loner so I have no real use for people except when I need something. Who ever said one night stands were involved. I plan to die a virgin. As I said relationships are for other people. They are not for me.

That is fine, I mean if you know what you want in life and are going to go for it then more power to you.

You won't really know what you are missing unless you give people a shot through. You are in forums responding to people, so I would think that at least at some level you crave human interaction.

I would give you some advice, that you should not write off everyone. I mean it is still your choice but it seems you have picked a very lonely and non fulfilling path. I just think you need to really take a long look at the reasons for that. Did you pick the path or did it pick you?

 

[la-le-lu-li-lo]

There is a difference between being a friend and being STUCK a friend.

yes, and the difference is chemistry.
and if it's not there, it's not there.

can't really change that.

Sure you can. We've done it in labs before.

i believe i meant it in the 'chemistry between humans' as in 'attraction' as in what 'turns you on', if you will.

sorry for not clarifying. didn't think it would take explaining considering we were on the topic of relationships. my bad.

edit: also, excuse my rudeness if i mistook your joking around for seeming condescending.

if i wasn't mistaken, well, ignore the apology.

 

[Bellvedere]

Ummm, am I the only one that thinks comforting someone as a means to get close to them is pretty sleazy...

I mean if she's really upset about this, and wants to be comforted by someone then she'll want to be comforted by someone she can trust, not someone trying to make a move on her. Or she's not that upset and there's not really much point comforting to start with. This is why people - like your friend - who are console someone straight away generally fall into the 'just friends' zone. I wouldn't get to worked up about not being the first one there. Unless your after a 'friends with benefits' type of relationship. Then this may work.

If you're pretty good mates with her ask her out to take her mind off things and spend some quality time alone together. See how things work out from there.

I'm a girl and I can say that the first approach would really piss me off - a friend (acquaitance?) being really nice to me when I'm upset in order to get something. But then I also like to get drunk alone, chain smoke and watch the aristocats when I'm upset. So...

 

[manaman]

Sorry for the late response, was a bit preoccupied yelling at Nvidia.

Now then, I don't see where you are getting your information.
Women are NOT genetically predisposed to this sort of thing.
First off, I don't see how you could possibly make that remark, as twinning studies routinely disprove such things. Hell, like I said, it is FAR more prevalent for entrapment to occur on those that are what you would call type B, NOT type A. Lust, in fact, favors those LESS to the ends of the extreme, somewhere between A and B, not one end or the other. Genetically speaking, women are FAR more likely to go with someone who is perceived to be an advantage to raising children as opposed to being better for genetic information. There is a reason for this: they can always cheat. Cheating is a valid and genetically held structure, with three confirmed genes mutations leading to decreased fidelity. However, EVEN WITH THESE MUTATIONS, the women seek out type B's to ensnare. Your ideas on the genetic predisposition of women simply aren't confirmed by biology.

The friend zone concept is empirical, not based on any sort of actual theory. Psychology tends to explain it in various ways, but it is NOT related to type A verses type B ism. Type A's are just as likely to be pushed into the zone as type B's.

I am going to agree to disagree, and leave it at that here. I don't want this to degenerate any further way from the original topic. The guy's question is being ignored in the wake of the argument I basically started. If you would like to continue this discussion feel free to message me. I will be more then willing to answer questions.

 

[Bat Vader]

Unlike MCcain, Bush, and Cheney he know when to exit a fight. I am shy and a loner so I have no real use for people except when I need something. Who ever said one night stands were involved. I plan to die a virgin. As I said relationships are for other people. They are not for me.

That is fine, I mean if you know what you want in life and are going to go for it then more power to you.

You won't really know what you are missing unless you give people a shot through. You are in forums responding to people, so I would think that at least at some level you crave human interaction.

I would give you some advice, that you should not write off everyone. I mean it is still your choice but it seems you have picked a very lonely and non fulfilling path. I just think you need to really take a long look at the reasons for that. Did you pick the path or did it pick you?

I picked it but it also picked. Most of my friends were never truly my friend and so I chose to cut my losses and not trust anybody instead of taking a chance.

 

[la-le-lu-li-lo]

are you talking about the study where they put, and excuse my frankness, female vaginal fluids into an air mask and then asked men to rate attractiveness?

interesting study, i might add, but nonetheless we generally aren't living in a labratory setting so you should consider an unaltered chemistry when i say you can't change it, if that makes any sense.

basically, since he/she doesn't have some scientist messing with his/her chemistry, it will either be there or it won't.

 

[Bellvedere]

There is a difference between being a friend and being STUCK a friend.

yes, and the difference is chemistry.
and if it's not there, it's not there.

can't really change that.

Sure you can. We've done it in labs before.

i believe i meant it in the 'chemistry between humans' as in 'attraction' as in what 'turns you on', if you will.

sorry for not clarifying. didn't think it would take explaining considering we were on the topic of relationships. my bad.

Yes, as I've said, attraction can be changed in laboratory experiments. A cocktail of pheromones and basic classical conditioning is all that is needed to make someone attracted to another, or even to various non-human items. This is, of course, reversible (we're not MAD scientists after all) and quite humorous for all involved, sort of like hypnosis.

This is a somewhat controversial statement but girls and guys can never really be 'just friends'. But it is true, at some point in the friendship even if it's just for a night or a little while one or both persons will want to be more than friends at some stage. Not being sexist but this is more for guys then girls.

 

[la-le-lu-li-lo]

This is a somewhat controversial statement but girls and guys can never really be 'just friends'. But it is true, at some point in the friendship even if it's just for a night or a little while one or both persons will want to be more than friends at some stage. Not being sexist but this is more for guys then girls.

That denies worlds of empirical evidence, along with celibate couples, etc etc. It is something that makes sense to a local and confined world view, not in light of the evidence we have in psychology and neurology.

i agree with ururu on this.

i'm not a terribly sexual person, so i might be an outlier of sorts, but i've had many a friend, close friends even, that i never wanted 'more' from.

even the cute ones.

 

[la-le-lu-li-lo]

are you talking about the study where they put, and excuse my frankness, female vaginal fluids into an air mask and then asked men to rate attractiveness?

interesting study, i might add, but nonetheless we generally aren't living in a labratory setting so you should consider an unaltered chemistry when i say you can't change it, if that makes any sense.

basically, since he/she doesn't have some scientist messing with his/her chemistry, it will either be there or it won't.

Frankness is fine.

That is but one in a long list of studies. Now a days, we use artificial pheromones, which are far more potent than even those naturally produced (or simply concentrated above those naturally found).

But we've done similar studies in the field. Touch, certain looks, etc etc, are all wildly capable of changing the attractiveness equation. It isn't "it is there or it isn't", it is VERY MUCH plastic and mutable.

no, i agree with you on that. i've studied body language and whatnot for the hell of it, and i won't deny that it affects attraction.

but, just because you find someone attractive, doesn't mean the 'chemistry' and i mean it in the less technical term as commonly used when speaking of relationships, is there. it might not be.

i suppose i'm making my point poorly. i speak of a select situation in which you've been friends with someone, flirt, whatever, are even attracted to... etc. but don't have the chemistry to take it beyond friends. it can be due to an array of reasons, but some things aren't meant to be.

i hope that explains it better, because i seem to be failing.