Mental Health

[Zyxx]

My mother's family has a long history of mental illness (and my father's has its share as well.) Pretty much everyone on her side has been diagnosed with or treated for something, the worst case being her severely paranoid schizophrenic brother. My mother and myself both have obsessive-compulsive disorder. I can recognize some of the signs in my earlier memories, but it really "kicked in" for me in junior high school, mostly litter-picking and religious compulsions (e.g. "Pick up that piece of glass or God will hate you.") It probably sounds silly, and it is, but it's also a very real compulsion that resulted in very intense anxiety if I resisted it.
Let me be clear that this has nothing to do with my actual religious beliefs or upbringing - this is just a mental disorder torturing me with its available avenues. I've had plenty of equally terrible non-religious O's and C's. Imagine having another sentience in your mind, one which knows everything you do and a lot of stuff you don't, and exists solely to make you miserable with disturbing thoughts, using whatever it can find in your head. That's what OCD is like for me. My 'inner demons" are about as non-metaphorical as they come.

I started psychiatric therapy and medication (Zoloft) at 13 or 14, and it really has helped take the edge off. I still have obsessions and compulsions, and some days are worse than others, but they're less intense than they were in those early days and much easier to manage.
Of course, I don't advocate "a pill for every problem': it's just that, for me, it's a problem with a genetic basis, requiring a physical solution. I don't think of it as being any different from needing medicine or advice for something like diabetes or allergies. Pills are not always the correct answer, as any decent psychiatrist will tell you.

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

This is what I remember. My memories of childhood are spotty, at best.

I don't remember when exactly I first had thoughts of suicide, but my parents only found out when I was in fifth grade, and by then it had already been over a year. I remember always feeling left out. My school did a program where elementary school kids with emotional problems got paired with high school students. I guess I didn't set enough fires to make the list. My mom's style of parenting was... "questionable" on a good day. I still remember the first thing she said to me when we were at home after the school nurse said I was suicidal.
"If you think this means we'll buy you more stuff, you can think again."
I was started on therapy and prescription antidepressants and have been on them for over ten or eleven years now. It was only in middle scool that my grades started to fall, and I got kicked out of all of my advanced placement classes because I "couldn't keep up."
Only in late middle school did they figure out I had ADD. I still got yelled at constantly throughout my teen years due to homework troubles, and whatever else was bothering my mom at the time.
In high shcool, I started getting back into my faith after a... hiatus. This is when things started to get better. I started doing a lot of volunteer work with my church, and even got to go on a mission trip to Jamaica. (Note: There's like, a dozen resorts, and the rest of the island is poverty stricken) My mom was still crazy, but at some point, I don't remember when, she started taking medication and seeing a doctor. I also joined the club I'd been left out of as a kid. This time, I was one of the high school kids who went to visit sad elementary school kids. I won member of the year when I was a senior.
I'm in college, now. I'm in a building trades program so I can do mission work for my church as a career. (I'll make no money, but I don't really care)
Recently, my depression has started coming back, due to (as I suspect) my mom's recent criticisms about my weight, lack of a boyfried, etc., and I've also started having some anxiety issues. But I'm moving out of the house for good this spring, and I'm debating Sparta-kicking her in the chest when I'm about to leave.

Anywho, that's my life story, in regards to my mental health issues. (I think this is the first time I've ever said it all in one shot.) Sorry for the wall of text.

Spoiler: I will make it up to you

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

Depression.

It's bad enough that it's begun to interfere with my work.

I'm getting suicidal mental images (in quite graphic detail too), emotional numbness, weeping spells... the fucking works.

Edit: Pretty much the only reason I haven't attempted suicide yet is because... well, I don't really like pain (ironic, considering I have quite a high pain tolerance). That's about it, really, I would've been a self-harmer long ago were this not the case.

I don't know if you already are, but you definitely need to see a doctor as soon as possible.

 

[RaphaelsRedemption]

My mother's family has a long history of mental illness (and my father's has its share as well.) Pretty much everyone on her side has been diagnosed with or treated for something, the worst case being her severely paranoid schizophrenic brother. My mother and myself both have obsessive-compulsive disorder. I can recognize some of the signs in my earlier memories, but it really "kicked in" for me in junior high school, mostly litter-picking and religious compulsions (e.g. "Pick up that piece of glass or God will hate you.") It probably sounds silly, and it is, but it's also a very real compulsion that resulted in very intense anxiety if I resisted it.
Let me be clear that this has nothing to do with my actual religious beliefs or upbringing - this is just a mental disorder torturing me with its available avenues. I've had plenty of equally terrible non-religious O's and C's. Imagine having another sentience in your mind, one which knows everything you do and a lot of stuff you don't, and exists solely to make you miserable with disturbing thoughts, using whatever it can find in your head. That's what OCD is like for me. My 'inner demons" are about as non-metaphorical as they come.

I started psychiatric therapy and medication (Zoloft) at 13 or 14, and it really has helped take the edge off. I still have obsessions and compulsions, and some days are worse than others, but they're less intense than they were in those early days and much easier to manage.
Of course, I don't advocate "a pill for every problem': it's just that, for me, it's a problem with a genetic basis, requiring a physical solution. I don't think of it as being any different from needing medicine or advice for something like diabetes or allergies. Pills are not always the correct answer, as any decent psychiatrist will tell you.

I don't have many compulsive behaviours... is OCD like having a feeling like you NEED to do certain things in certain ways, despite you knowing that it's not logical?

I do have recurrent thought patterns that can make me miserable if I allow myself to think them. Sometimes I know where's it's going, but I'm too tired or weak to stop it. I suppose I'm trying to draw my understanding of OCD from that.

 

[RaphaelsRedemption]

This is what I remember. My memories of childhood are spotty, at best.

I don't remember when exactly I first had thoughts of suicide, but my parents only found out when I was in fifth grade, and by then it had already been over a year. I remember always feeling left out. My school did a program where elementary school kids with emotional problems got paired with high school students. I guess I didn't set enough fires to make the list. My mom's style of parenting was... "questionable" on a good day. I still remember the first thing she said to me when we were at home after the school nurse said I was suicidal.
"If you think this means we'll buy you more stuff, you can think again."
I was started on therapy and prescription antidepressants and have been on them for over ten or eleven years now. It was only in middle scool that my grades started to fall, and I got kicked out of all of my advanced placement classes because I "couldn't keep up."
Only in late middle school did they figure out I had ADD. I still got yelled at constantly throughout my teen years due to homework troubles, and whatever else was bothering my mom at the time.
In high shcool, I started getting back into my faith after a... hiatus. This is when things started to get better. I started doing a lot of volunteer work with my church, and even got to go on a mission trip to Jamaica. (Note: There's like, a dozen resorts, and the rest of the island is poverty stricken) My mom was still crazy, but at some point, I don't remember when, she started taking medication and seeing a doctor. I also joined the club I'd been left out of as a kid. This time, I was one of the high school kids who went to visit sad elementary school kids. I won member of the year when I was a senior.
I'm in college, now. I'm in a building trades program so I can do mission work for my church as a career. (I'll make no money, but I don't really care)
Recently, my depression has started coming back, due to (as I suspect) my mom's recent criticisms about my weight, lack of a boyfried, etc., and I've also started having some anxiety issues. But I'm moving out of the house for good this spring, and I'm debating Sparta-kicking her in the chest when I'm about to leave.

Anywho, that's my life story, in regards to my mental health issues. (I think this is the first time I've ever said it all in one shot.) Sorry for the wall of text.

Spoiler: I will make it up to you

I read the whole wall... it wasn't very long really. Thanks for posting

Parents can help or hurt so much with mental problems, can't they?! My mum made sure I had social anxiety by criticising my weight, social skills and attractiveness in negative ways all through my childhood. Even today, I can't go home without having my mother look at me, sigh and suggest I put on something "more modest" because "fat girls shouldn't wear jeans".

The best thing I ever did was move out of home... across the country, 5 hours flight from my family! I hope it's the same for you.

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

snip

Sadly, I'm really close with the rest of my family. My sister live on her own, but is still really close to my mom's house, and I couldn't leave my dad.

I think I'll just stick with the Sparta kick...
You should definitley do the same the next time you're home.

Spoiler: Disclaimer

Sparta kick is a metaphor. I'm not a fan of actual violence, while I am a fan of absurd threats never to be followed through on, used as jokes.

 

[Death God]

I have had several different diagnoses and no one can ever seem to figure out which one I am. I've been diagnosed as bipolar, ADD, ADHD, and depression. So I haven't a clue at the moment with all the flopping about but we know for sure that my brother is bipolar and ADD so that at least is clear.

 

[Burningsok]

I'm autistic, but thanks to counseling and good parents you wouldn't even notice if you met me.
When I was young I didn't talk very much, and I also had an anger problem. I think at that time I wanted to talk but My mind was always somewhere else or I was too scared to talk since I saw myself as being different from everyone.

 

[Zyxx]

I don't have many compulsive behaviours... is OCD like having a feeling like you NEED to do certain things in certain ways, despite you knowing that it's not logical?

I do have recurrent thought patterns that can make me miserable if I allow myself to think them. Sometimes I know where's it's going, but I'm too tired or weak to stop it. I suppose I'm trying to draw my understanding of OCD from that.

Well, kind of. Everyone has certain things that they're "obessive" or "anal" about. OCD is that taken to the next level, to the point that it interferes with one's normal activities and daily life: when I try to resist the compulsion or fight the obession, I'll get a very powerful anxiety that something horrible will happen as a result (my house will be broken into, we'll all go to hell, something like that). Realizing that it isn't logical, sensible or normal is actually one of the indicators of OCD - we know it's not normal and that other people will perceive it as weird, but we can't stop feeling this way.

Recursive thought patterns are another common thing that OCD makes worse: an afternoon locked in a mental loop is one thing, six months locked in an extremely disturbing mental loop ("You know, I bet I could murder my entire family right now and feel no remorse" or "Am I actually a pedophile?") is another.

In cases like that, it's not something we REALLY want to do, or would ever do (I can barely kill an insect without remorse, and I've no actual desire to molest children.)

Of course, every case is different. You might be surprised who actually has OCD: recognizing that our thoughts aren't normal means we try to hide them, and we can get pretty good at it.

 

[Gnarynhar]

Everyone has certain things that they're "obessive" or "anal" about. OCD is that taken to the next level, to the point that it interferes with one's normal activities and daily life: when I try to resist the compulsion or fight the obession, I'll get a very powerful anxiety that something horrible will happen as a result (my house will be broken into, we'll all go to hell, something like that). Realizing that it isn't logical, sensible or normal is actually one of the indicators of OCD - we know it's not normal and that other people will perceive it as weird, but we can't stop feeling this way.

Of course, every case is different. You might be surprised who actually has OCD: recognizing that our thoughts aren't normal means we try to hide them, and we can get pretty good at it.

That was me in high school, knowing something was wrong with me and desperately trying to hide it. Thankfully, and I have now idea how, my parents noticed something was wrong. I found that out when my father took me to a psychiatrist. I remember a long wait in the waiting room while they talked, then it was my turn. A few quick questions and a "Right, you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" and it was amazing the weight that was lifted.
I also found out through a slip of the tongue from a psychiatric nurse I was seeing that a kid in my very group also had OCD. My reaction "But, but, he's normal." So yeah, some people can get really good at hiding it.

As for knowing how insane and/or silly some compulsions are, I used to liken things to a glass maze, you can see how the people on the outside operate, but you're trapped running the same paths over and over. I was reduced to tears on more than one occasion by the rituals I had to follow, but I couldn't break free from them.

Still with therapy and training a lot of problems can be overcome. Although not for me, my OCD is so reactive that I just need to focus on how to live with it, and just through that it seems like things have gotten better.

As for the healthcare system, first CAAMHS (children and adolescent mental health services) had me seeing seeing a goddamn social worker when literally a few doors down the hall they had a psychiatric nurse that specialised in kids with OCD. ...... *$&%ing incompetents. Still I got transferred to her eventually (and managed to throw her for a loop, even for OCD patients I'm pretty damn unusual).

A number of psychologists and various therapies out there (some odder than others) I've finally found a good psychiatrist that works with me and doesn't aggravate my OCD, plus help from my family, and things do slowly get better.

 

[DanielBrown]

After breaking up with my friend circle, taking a sabbatical from school and getting assaulted which left me slightly traumatised, I spent pretty much a full year just sitting at home playing WoW. I used to be a social guy that loved to be the centre of attention.
When I started in a new school however there was something different about me. I was afraid of going outside and talking to people casually was impossible. I also constantly had the feeling that I was watched. At first I believed I was suffering from some kind of paranoia, but later on I read about social phobia and anxiety. Turns out I was a perfect match.

I got through the three school years I had in front of me with the help of the one friend I managed to get in class, but after school ended we went seperate ways. I was never too fond of him, yet he was a great support for me.
A bit over a year ago I developed depression due to being so damn lonely. I'm currently seeing a psychologist and I eat anti-depressants to help me get outside. It a took lot of different pills, but I've finally found something that works for me. Hopefully I can get a job soon, so I won't have to sit around playing games all day. It's so horrible!

 

[Hiikuro]

I have social anxiety, and used to suffer depression until I managed to control it (still have some negative sessions though, but they're less and less frequent). The therapists I've had (as well as some other people) all have commented on my extremely strong self-awareness and high executive functioning.

Which essentially means I'm aware of all the reasons I suffer, but I'm forced to be patient to the time it takes to improve myself.

What has helped me the most is doing anything that can shake up my cognitive state, the moment any thoughts echo in my head (they repeat), they intensify and get worse. Facing my fears, throwing myself into unpleasant situations, or doing something different that modifies my routine, they are all very good aids.

In more recent times I've been thinking of ways to alter my neural pathways. I believe it might be some neural pathways in my mind that has become sort of 'highways' of negative thought. To change I have to deconstruct these highways by using some cognitive trickery. It takes time, but it works.

It is also incredibly likely that I'm a 'highly sensitive person', which essentially means what other people feel as wind is storm to me. It has its advantages and disadvantages. The fact that I feel very alienated and different from other people is the most depressing disadvantage, but the advantages are so worthwhile I feel I'm not allowed to complain.

Your post reminds me of my own therapy as I started to work out what was wrong with me; I remember knowing exactly what I was thinking and what I was doing, but being so impatient that I didn't give myself the time to learn how to think and do better. It can be so frustrating, as you know logically what is going on, but emotionally you can be out of control...

How are you subverting your negative thoguht patterns? My therapists have really helped me confront some of the negative lies I used to believe about myself, which means I'm no longer as hard on myself as I used to be. That's helped, though occasionally I still catch myself abusing myself and getting upset because of these nagative beliefs and thought processes.

I recognize when I'm thinking negatively, then try to figure out how I am distorting reality. From then it is a battle to convince myself I am wrong about my beliefs. Naturally it doesn't always work; I had a real unpleasant night last night because I couldn't convince myself I was wrong.

When I manage to find new ways of looking at things, it ends up making me a lot more confused. For example, I have four or more essentially different opinions on alcohol which I switch between seemingly at random. It is incredibly hard to crush old habits of thought, even when new habits spring up. I see no other solution than to take the time, focus on who I really want to be and what I really want to think, and let old habits decay. Though I wish there was a simpler/faster method.

 

[CouchCommando]

Well for a while I suspected I had a mental health problem when I was growing up, but unfortunately like a number of people out there I put off seeking specialist help or diagnosis even. Basically tried to keep a lid on things.
Eventually things got so out of hand in my personal life that I did reach a cross roads in my life where I had to make a decision of either trying to nut out what was going on by myself (and putting people who cared about me on an emotional roller coaster) or seeking professional help.
I opted for the professional advice, and booked myself in to see a psychologist, I must say in a mere few sessions my life was back on track and a great weight was lifted from my shoulders, although I had a family history I was not Bi-polar, which I must confess was one of my greatest fears, but suffering from some rather traumatic events that had happened as I was growing up. All easy to cope with, with a bit of counseling and breaking things down into smaller pieces. My only regret of seeking professional help is that I did not do so sooner.

 

[RaphaelsRedemption]

After breaking up with my friend circle, taking a sabbatical from school and getting assaulted which left me slightly traumatised, I spent pretty much a full year just sitting at home playing WoW. I used to be a social guy that loved to be the centre of attention.
When I started in a new school however there was something different about me. I was afraid of going outside and talking to people casually was impossible. I also constantly had the feeling that I was watched. At first I believed I was suffering from some kind of paranoia, but later on I read about social phobia and anxiety. Turns out I was a perfect match.

I got through the three school years I had in front of me with the help of the one friend I managed to get in class, but after school ended we went seperate ways. I was never too fond of him, yet he was a great support for me.
A bit over a year ago I developed depression due to being so damn lonely. I'm currently seeing a psychologist and I eat anti-depressants to help me get outside. It a took lot of different pills, but I've finally found something that works for me. Hopefully I can get a job soon, so I won't have to sit around playing games all day. It's so horrible!

It takes time, but these things can get better with help. Sounds like you're doing all the smart things to get well again.

I'm really glad you found the right meds. And look at games this way: I know I "waste" a lot of time playing games. But that's a negative way of thinking about it. So now I refer to gaming as "positive distraction", something that keeps my mind out of depressive and negative thought and allows me time to heal.

 

[Nikolaz72]

..Mm, I am not sure if this counts but I am "Overly Sensitive". Means that I care way to much about how other people feeling and it's not based on if they call me names or hate me. I mean how they are feeling - Like if they are depressed or upset, it gets to me and I feel overly emotional about it even if I keep it inside..

Like I said, am not sure.. but I shall state that it can affect my heath cause when I am in a Relationship that of course, if my girlfriend is hurting in any way it gets to me like a sword through my Heart..

So it's not based on whether people like you, but rather on whether they in themselves are happy?

I suppose it's a blessing, as well as a curse. Empathy can be very hard to learn!

Ugh the worst is when it translates well into movies and animated pictures. I mean sometimes its so horrible that people can look past it, but at other times.. Meh.

 

[DanielBrown]

Snipetty

It takes time, but these things can get better with help. Sounds like you're doing all the smart things to get well again.

I'm really glad you found the right meds. And look at games this way: I know I "waste" a lot of time playing games. But that's a negative way of thinking about it. So now I refer to gaming as "positive distraction", something that keeps my mind out of depressive and negative thought and allows me time to heal.

Indeed. Games work really great as a distraction. I'm pretty sure I'd be dead long ago if it weren't for them. The downside is, however, that they keep me from having to go outside. Not much to do outside anyways though. Especially not now when there's snow everywhere!

Thanks for your reply.

 

[enriel]

I have a textbook case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but I haven't bothered to have a professional tell me what I already know. I also have a generalized Anxiety Disorder that was diagnosed and they even gave me meds for it, but I quit taking them because they worked a little too well; instead of freaking out about everything I didn't give a shit about anything. I'll take panic attacks over hyper-apathy any day.

 

[RaphaelsRedemption]

I have a textbook case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but I haven't bothered to have a professional tell me what I already know. I also have a generalized Anxiety Disorder that was diagnosed and they even gave me meds for it, but I quit taking them because they worked a little too well; instead of freaking out about everything I didn't give a shit about anything. I'll take panic attacks over hyper-apathy any day.

What does Narcissistic Personality Disorder mean? Like, I assume it means you struggle to empathise with other's emotions?

 

[enriel]

I have a textbook case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but I haven't bothered to have a professional tell me what I already know. I also have a generalized Anxiety Disorder that was diagnosed and they even gave me meds for it, but I quit taking them because they worked a little too well; instead of freaking out about everything I didn't give a shit about anything. I'll take panic attacks over hyper-apathy any day.

What does Narcissistic Personality Disorder mean? Like, I assume it means you struggle to empathise with other's emotions?

It's basically an over correction. An inflated sense of ego due to actually having really low self esteem. Comes form the Greek myth of Narcissus who was cursed to fall in love with his own reflection, so likewise, it's basically being in love with yourself. Includes things like constantly needing to be the center of attention, constantly needing praise, seeking to always be the best at everything and handling criticism of any form extremely poorly.

And yes, it does make you struggle with empathy as well. You still feel it, unlike a sociopath but you still have tendencies to consider yourself 'above' them and therefore don't feel quite so bad if say, you had to screw over a friend to get a promotion at work.

So long as it's all for the greater glory of yourself is what's important.