My Girlfriend Cheated on Me
- Thread starter Watchmacallit
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I am probably not the best person to be giving advice because my story is similar to yours except you need to switch kiss with sex and other guy with my brother and in retrospective this is how it starts.
If you can't trust someone what is the relationship, if you did take her back it will always be in your mind is she screwing with me and whats the deal and they'll never tell you straight up.
If i could go to the beginning I would've kicked her out at the first signs.
They know what there doing, there is no slips or mistakes and screw them.
...dont wanna get banned but yeah i think i got my point across and i need another drink
If you can't trust someone what is the relationship, if you did take her back it will always be in your mind is she screwing with me and whats the deal and they'll never tell you straight up.
If i could go to the beginning I would've kicked her out at the first signs.
They know what there doing, there is no slips or mistakes and screw them.
...dont wanna get banned but yeah i think i got my point across and i need another drink
"she let another guy kiss her" ? Errr... sorry to bring you down, but I think you'll find it takes two to tango. Sorry.
And asking people on the Escapist isn't the best way to sort this out, you need to find out why she did it, and why she is with you if she can be so easily tempted.
Sometimes the best idea is to move on. Love isn't a one of thing, it can happen many times with many people.
What would I do? Move on, and enjoy your life. You're are young and there are plenty more opportunities out there.
And asking people on the Escapist isn't the best way to sort this out, you need to find out why she did it, and why she is with you if she can be so easily tempted.
Sometimes the best idea is to move on. Love isn't a one of thing, it can happen many times with many people.
What would I do? Move on, and enjoy your life. You're are young and there are plenty more opportunities out there.
I know it's horrible to say, but personally, I couldn't trust her. I'm biased though, as I've been cheated on at a time in my life when I was in a fragile emotional state and it absolutely devastated me.
Stay with her. Tell her it's ok. Tell her it doesn't matter, because you know that she really means it when she says she would take it back if she could.
And you should know that. She wouldn't have told you otherwise.
Stay with her. Tell her it's ok. Tell her it doesn't matter, because you know that she really means it when she says she would take it back if she could.
And you should know that. She wouldn't have told you otherwise.
Trust is something easily broken and very difficult to repair. You'll have to work incredibly hard before you'll get that trust back. So will she. If you don't think either of you is up to it, don't bother trying.
As far as the whole cheating thing goes, I'd talk to her about it. If you establish how hurt you are she may think twice before letting something like this happen again. I'd ask how she'd feel in a similar situation involving you and somebody else. If she gets defensive or tries to argue; it's not worth it. If she's understanding and seems truly sorry; you've got yourself a keeper.
As far as the whole cheating thing goes, I'd talk to her about it. If you establish how hurt you are she may think twice before letting something like this happen again. I'd ask how she'd feel in a similar situation involving you and somebody else. If she gets defensive or tries to argue; it's not worth it. If she's understanding and seems truly sorry; you've got yourself a keeper.
Do the only logical thing...
Kill every guy she knows except yourself and her father then you don't have to worry about her cheating! For bonus points pin the murders on the guy she kissed so she never thinks about betraying you for some murdering mad man ever again.
And if thats out of the question talk with her and tell her if she ever breaks your trust by doing something like this again you will be forced to leave her and seperate your entire family from her never to talk or mention her again.
Basically if she cheats again you will erase her from your and all your friends and familes lives.
Kill every guy she knows except yourself and her father then you don't have to worry about her cheating! For bonus points pin the murders on the guy she kissed so she never thinks about betraying you for some murdering mad man ever again.
And if thats out of the question talk with her and tell her if she ever breaks your trust by doing something like this again you will be forced to leave her and seperate your entire family from her never to talk or mention her again.
Basically if she cheats again you will erase her from your and all your friends and familes lives.
Rem45 said:
80% of couples cheat. I learned that in social psychology. It could have been worse but people make mistakes. Man up.
You say you've done nothing wrong, but there's at least 3 things in THIS QUOTE that you have done wrong. Can you spot them?Rem45 said:
My first reaction would be to confront the guy, but I have one hell of an alpha male complex. The more logical thing to do would be to decide if a kiss is really that big of a deal to you, and if you can REALLY rebuild the trust between you two again. If you can, good for you, I probably couldn't.
If I were you, I would probably kick the guy's ass and then dump her, and then have sex with her hottest friend. Then again, I'm a huge asshole. Basically, don't do what I would do. Jail isn't fun.
If I were you, I would probably kick the guy's ass and then dump her, and then have sex with her hottest friend. Then again, I'm a huge asshole. Basically, don't do what I would do. Jail isn't fun.
Rem45, First you say
And this is why a slight betrayal, such as a kiss, might seem so heart-rending.
You've gotten some good suggestions (and some responses with which I'd certainly disagree, or would think premature). I'll try to cover some of the gaps.
1. When it comes to relating to others, it's a good idea to establish early on what is off limits. Even Guinevere would reward the best knight and victor of a tournament with a heartfelt kiss, and with Arthur's blessing. Even within the mainstream culture[footnote]I give this disclaimer because there are plenty of fringe cultures in which sex and romance are significantly more open, ranging from full on swinging or polyamory to open-season holidays, designated bits on the side, falatio-but-no-intercourse, intercourse-but-no-love, and so on.[/footnote] there's a wide spectrum of what is considered acceptable or not, where the most stringent couples don't allow mere conversation with the opposite sex, and relaxed couples will allow anything short of genital contact with friends of the couple. But the sooner you draw the line, the plainer it is when you or your partner has crossed it, and the more second thoughts will happen before it does. On the other hand...
2. Accept that not all of us are not entirely in control of our faculties, especially when it comes to sex. In contrast to the above, plenty of people, men and women alike, will be happily married or otherwise steady in a monogamous relationship and then will find someone with whom they just plain cannot help themselves. Drinking and carousing certainly elevates the likelihood, but isn't necessary if the chemistry (and often it is pure chemistry) is just right. This is one of the reasons our species has survived for millennia. It's also one of the reasons that STI pathogens prevail when monogamy is our only defense. If you are aiming for a long term relationship (which you may not, see below), you have to recognize that neither of you will be anywhere near perfect, and should be allowed to fuck up now and again. (The threshold when it's too much is up to the couple, of course.)
3. One step at a time. Three months barely counts as a relationship. She's still your new girlfriend. Your summer fling. If you guys are still together after eight months to a year, then you can start thinking about handfasting or engagement. But right now, you barely know each other, and are certainly still lovedrunk. Mark the anniversaries (first week, first month, first season, first year). If at all these times you both are still madly in love, then you can think about it. But consider that she kissed someone and you flipped (without imposing judgement on either), that's the first ping that not all is perfect; either she needs to be less forward, or you need to be less suspicious. Speaking of which:
4. Suspicious love sucks. A relationship in which you distrust your partner will eat away at you (and can lead to really creepy, dysfunctional interdependent behaviors). If you really cannot trust her, then its over. If it's because she's really not trustworthy (e.g. she's unwilling to address her issues and make efforts to change) then go find a partner who is. If it's because you cannot help but be suspicious then don't get into close relationships until you can learn to trust. If you can trust her, then really trust her. Let her be responsible for her half of the relationship, e.g. her behavior around other men, frugality with money, voicing concerns and so on. The flip side (what keeps us honest) is:
5. Maintaining deception and secrets sucks too. Part of my joy of being in a relationship (if not for most of us) is the ability to completely let my guard down. I can talk about anything with my partner. I can express my true feelings about anything, whether it's her (baseless) weight issues, her codependence with her family, my insecurity about my naivete, my issues with tidiness, our scary neighbors, our hot neighbor, my wish that we'd game together more, and so on. Once I have a secret to keep, once I have to maintain a lie, I never get to relax that way again.[footnote]Cheating in the twenty-first century is less about sex and more about deception. This is partially due to the growing number of open relationships out there, but also due to the fact that betrayal comes in many forms, only one of which might be getting a bit on the side. Another might be misappropriating the family funds. Another might be tapping in on your partner's internet privacy.[/footnote] From then on, I will always be keeping up a facade, and the person she loves isn't me but a mask I wear. And that is what keeps us honest.[footnote]It's also what keeps the dishonest miserable.[/footnote]
238U.
And then you further explain...Rem45 said:
And yet you mentioned your expenses on this girl in the first place. If it wasn't an issue, it wouldn't be necessary to indicate you treat her right. To those of us under the poverty line, $2000 is a ridiculous amout to spend on a loved one, short of getting, maybe, the ring. Considering that you've been with her for only three months, it sounds clearly like you're drunk on the honeymoon.[footnote]Incidentally, no one had yet even hinted that you did something wrong, or some how deserved to be betrayed.[/footnote]Rem45 said:
And this is why a slight betrayal, such as a kiss, might seem so heart-rending.
You've gotten some good suggestions (and some responses with which I'd certainly disagree, or would think premature). I'll try to cover some of the gaps.
1. When it comes to relating to others, it's a good idea to establish early on what is off limits. Even Guinevere would reward the best knight and victor of a tournament with a heartfelt kiss, and with Arthur's blessing. Even within the mainstream culture[footnote]I give this disclaimer because there are plenty of fringe cultures in which sex and romance are significantly more open, ranging from full on swinging or polyamory to open-season holidays, designated bits on the side, falatio-but-no-intercourse, intercourse-but-no-love, and so on.[/footnote] there's a wide spectrum of what is considered acceptable or not, where the most stringent couples don't allow mere conversation with the opposite sex, and relaxed couples will allow anything short of genital contact with friends of the couple. But the sooner you draw the line, the plainer it is when you or your partner has crossed it, and the more second thoughts will happen before it does. On the other hand...
2. Accept that not all of us are not entirely in control of our faculties, especially when it comes to sex. In contrast to the above, plenty of people, men and women alike, will be happily married or otherwise steady in a monogamous relationship and then will find someone with whom they just plain cannot help themselves. Drinking and carousing certainly elevates the likelihood, but isn't necessary if the chemistry (and often it is pure chemistry) is just right. This is one of the reasons our species has survived for millennia. It's also one of the reasons that STI pathogens prevail when monogamy is our only defense. If you are aiming for a long term relationship (which you may not, see below), you have to recognize that neither of you will be anywhere near perfect, and should be allowed to fuck up now and again. (The threshold when it's too much is up to the couple, of course.)
3. One step at a time. Three months barely counts as a relationship. She's still your new girlfriend. Your summer fling. If you guys are still together after eight months to a year, then you can start thinking about handfasting or engagement. But right now, you barely know each other, and are certainly still lovedrunk. Mark the anniversaries (first week, first month, first season, first year). If at all these times you both are still madly in love, then you can think about it. But consider that she kissed someone and you flipped (without imposing judgement on either), that's the first ping that not all is perfect; either she needs to be less forward, or you need to be less suspicious. Speaking of which:
4. Suspicious love sucks. A relationship in which you distrust your partner will eat away at you (and can lead to really creepy, dysfunctional interdependent behaviors). If you really cannot trust her, then its over. If it's because she's really not trustworthy (e.g. she's unwilling to address her issues and make efforts to change) then go find a partner who is. If it's because you cannot help but be suspicious then don't get into close relationships until you can learn to trust. If you can trust her, then really trust her. Let her be responsible for her half of the relationship, e.g. her behavior around other men, frugality with money, voicing concerns and so on. The flip side (what keeps us honest) is:
5. Maintaining deception and secrets sucks too. Part of my joy of being in a relationship (if not for most of us) is the ability to completely let my guard down. I can talk about anything with my partner. I can express my true feelings about anything, whether it's her (baseless) weight issues, her codependence with her family, my insecurity about my naivete, my issues with tidiness, our scary neighbors, our hot neighbor, my wish that we'd game together more, and so on. Once I have a secret to keep, once I have to maintain a lie, I never get to relax that way again.[footnote]Cheating in the twenty-first century is less about sex and more about deception. This is partially due to the growing number of open relationships out there, but also due to the fact that betrayal comes in many forms, only one of which might be getting a bit on the side. Another might be misappropriating the family funds. Another might be tapping in on your partner's internet privacy.[/footnote] From then on, I will always be keeping up a facade, and the person she loves isn't me but a mask I wear. And that is what keeps us honest.[footnote]It's also what keeps the dishonest miserable.[/footnote]
238U.
Girls capable of cheating once can easily do it again.Zorak the Mantis said:
One of my friends got dumped by a girl for another guy, and went back to her 2 weeks later when she claimed he had turned up half naked on her doorstep begging for sex. A month after that, she leaves him AGAIN, but by the way of ignoring him for several days and making him go mental. And in these several days, she was meeting up with the guy who had begged her for sex. Definitely something going on there.
So yeah, if she's capable of cheating then she could easily do so again. If you wanna take the risk, stay with her until you're sure of the way she is. Otherwise, end it and see if she moves on quickly.
I think you should dump her. If she's got feelings for this guy then it probably will happen again and she's not really devoted to you is she. It also sounds like she's using you a little and you don't want that. Talk it out of course but yeah I don't think she's the sort of person you should stick with.Rem45 said:
Neither of you are wrong. You both just have different views on what is acceptable in a relationship. You seem to be looking for more of an open relationship while CF seems to be looking for more of a monogamous one. As long as your intentions are clear from the get go, and your partner is aware of and agrees with your beliefs, I don't believe one is better or worse than the other.Abandon4093 said:
A weeks or whatever go...
Well something happend very similar to my best friend and it involved his girlfriend and one of our close friends, my previous friend and my bestfriend's girlfriend kissed, as in I like you kiss as well, but I dont know the whole story, all I know is that he was pissed and I was pissed too to be betrayed by a close friend, my friend went to talk to her and I stayed over at his house until he came back, he told me he broke up with her, and my other prveious friend apologised to him but he didnt want anything to do with him anymore, me too, so he came back and I was their watching a movie, his parents told me a week earlier that I have a calm atmosphere, so I thought that I might make everything calm...
But still a week after that my best friends now Ex-girlfriend went back to another person who liked her, and we hated him, he wasnt a good person, but we still let that happen, I respect my best friends actions. If it was my girlfriend I would talk to her and see what happens, I am a good guy I would like things to end better, but now today we are not talking to our previous best friend.
Well besides that, my advice would be to talk to her and see if you really like her, well I guess love her would be a better option, just try to walk out of their without any harm done to yourself or anyone else.
BTW: This is the friend I have been talking about and I like his sister, but dont worry im not doing this for me or his sister, I was doing it for him
Good luck mate!
Well something happend very similar to my best friend and it involved his girlfriend and one of our close friends, my previous friend and my bestfriend's girlfriend kissed, as in I like you kiss as well, but I dont know the whole story, all I know is that he was pissed and I was pissed too to be betrayed by a close friend, my friend went to talk to her and I stayed over at his house until he came back, he told me he broke up with her, and my other prveious friend apologised to him but he didnt want anything to do with him anymore, me too, so he came back and I was their watching a movie, his parents told me a week earlier that I have a calm atmosphere, so I thought that I might make everything calm...
But still a week after that my best friends now Ex-girlfriend went back to another person who liked her, and we hated him, he wasnt a good person, but we still let that happen, I respect my best friends actions. If it was my girlfriend I would talk to her and see what happens, I am a good guy I would like things to end better, but now today we are not talking to our previous best friend.
Well besides that, my advice would be to talk to her and see if you really like her, well I guess love her would be a better option, just try to walk out of their without any harm done to yourself or anyone else.
BTW: This is the friend I have been talking about and I like his sister, but dont worry im not doing this for me or his sister, I was doing it for him
Good luck mate!
Personally, I'd have lost my trust. Especially if she said the thing about dating him if you were not there. She shouldn't even be thinking about that (in my opinion).
But, that being said, it's all up to you. Like I said, I would have lost my trust and probably be in agony (loyalty means a lot to me, I hate being messed around with like a toy). But yeah, have an open and honest talk about it with her. Ask her what she'd do if you'd say the things she said, see if that makes her realise how stupid she is or shrug it off and "approve". If it's the latter, there's always the chance of it happening again.
Oh and btw, you are way too nice to her. I had a GF I did everything for and it lasted for over a year. It got me in too much trouble for my own good. See what happens if you cut some privileges. It's not easy, I know. But she should learn to offer whatever she can, instead of just thanking you for everything you do for her. That's too easy. I know you probably think its OK, but think about it; in the long run, she's gonna be so spoiled that there is no way you can ever suprise her with anything. You can't poor anything new into a relationship if you are already pooring everything you have inside the relationship. Cut the damn privileges.
But, that being said, it's all up to you. Like I said, I would have lost my trust and probably be in agony (loyalty means a lot to me, I hate being messed around with like a toy). But yeah, have an open and honest talk about it with her. Ask her what she'd do if you'd say the things she said, see if that makes her realise how stupid she is or shrug it off and "approve". If it's the latter, there's always the chance of it happening again.
Oh and btw, you are way too nice to her. I had a GF I did everything for and it lasted for over a year. It got me in too much trouble for my own good. See what happens if you cut some privileges. It's not easy, I know. But she should learn to offer whatever she can, instead of just thanking you for everything you do for her. That's too easy. I know you probably think its OK, but think about it; in the long run, she's gonna be so spoiled that there is no way you can ever suprise her with anything. You can't poor anything new into a relationship if you are already pooring everything you have inside the relationship. Cut the damn privileges.
That's one way to come across as freaky.Grabbin Keelz said: