Flying-Emu said:
Wow, this was the last thing I expected this thread to be. And I'm desparate enough to ask things.
I'm not anywhere near a handsome guy, and I tend to be fairly awkward around women. I'm good at making friends with them, but beyond that, I'm lost. Every time I try and ask out a girl, they play it off as if it's a joke, and when I press the issue... well, it hasn't gone well.
I have severe self-esteem issues and can't seem to find a lass. My female friends have accused me of being too boxed-in, which may be true.
I just don't know what ta do.
I'm totally pathetic for asking this, but it's the internet and I don't care. What should I do, oh Guru?
Ok, dude, I used to be you. Up until my junior year in high school, I thought I was a permanent member of "the Friend-Zone". I know it's not the nicest place to be. Your not pathetic for asking for help. It's the same as acquiring any knowledge. Some comes easier then others, and those bits of information you can't figure out for yourself, you have to get help with.
To start, as I've pointed out, the first thing we have to realize is that it's true: if we're not traditionally handsome, we're at a disadvantage. It sucks, but its a fact. The good news is, the disadvantage isn't the chasm you think it is.
On a psychological level, guys are far more married to the concept of physical attraction then girls are. That's not to say there aren't a lot of shallow girls out there, but a lot of girls are actually more concerned with guys who can provide a sense of security and safety (it's a biological fact). With that in mind, lets address your problem.
Yours is the most common problem I come across. You approach girls, you seem to be able to get along well with them, but (seemingly) inevitably, you end up the friend and not the
boyfriend. But my friend, let me tell you, this can change, and the first part of that is in your confidence.
I'm not the guy who's advice is "you just have to be confident!" People used to tell me that all the time. What the hell does that even mean? It's not like there is a switch you can flip, and BAM! It's something you have to build. So here is what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you an exercise.
It's simple. You take it one step at a time until you've mastered the step, then you move on to the next one.
Step 1- find a public place. If you're old enough to go to bars, then bars are probably the best place to find women, mostly because bars have women are trying to do the same thing you are. If you're not old enough, then public parks or big shopping hubs like malls and grocery stores are good too.
Once you're there, I want you to approach a girl you're interested, and just say "hi". If the girl is weirded out, apologize, and walk away, and find someone else. Ideally, she'll say "hi" back, and you can introduce yourself, and make some small talk. The conversation shouldn't last long. Maybe a minute or two. When it slows down say, "well it was nice to meet you," you smile, and walk away. THIS IS THE HARDEST STEP. Easily. 90% of this battle is beating your shyness and your self esteem. On the first go, I want you to keep at it until at least 2 girls stop and talk to you. It's gonna be hard, but push through the uncomfortableness. On the next outing, don't stop until you talk to three girls. Try to find a time in your day when you can dedicate a half hour to this project everyday until you can walk up to a girl, and just say "hi" to her. This is half of your battle.
Step 2- You proceed much the same way you do with the first step, except I want you to move away from the small talk as quickly as you can. Don't avoid it, small talk is a nice ice breaker, and you want to use this time to find something about her to talk about. A necklace, a tattoo, a feature that she has CONTROL OVER (avoid the anything that is natural on her, like her eyes. She'll feel that you making a comment on her anatomical appearance, and for some reason, girls tend to feel like you're just trying to get into their pants) that you can inquire about. People in general like to talk about themselves. At this point, if you're at a bar, offer to buy her a drink. Try to get 5 or so good minutes of conversation with substance. Like before, when you feel the conversation starting to dry up, don't try to rejuvenate it with something else. You're asking for trouble. Be the one to end the conversation. This gives you control over the encounter (you opened up, and you closed). Try to end with something to the effect of "It was nice talking to you. Hopefully we'll run into each other again sometime." Be nice, cheerful, and hopefully by this point (since you've ideally mastered the first step), you won't be nervous.
Step 3- This is the most minor step, and it's a change in your ending. Instead of saying, "hopefully we'll run into each other..." say "I'd really like to continue this conversation, but I have to run. Maybe I could get your number, and we could continue this some other time?" There is no way she could misconstrue your meaning here. On your first time meeting this girl, you've asked for her number. She'll know that you're making a romantic inquiry. By this point in time, your confidence might not be maxed out, but you should already be not so scared of rejection.
If you follow this plan, if you allow yourself even to complete the first step, you'll be on your way to bettering your situation, but it's up to you whether or not you want to listen. The first step is always the hardest, but it's also the most crucial.
