Poll: Friends dating your ex
- Thread starter Aanorith
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It's a matter of respect really. If you have feelings for a friends ex you should discuss it with them before you do anything, or immediately after you acknowledge your feelings for each other. Of course it's important to gauge how your friend feels about it and timing is crucial i.e. asking about it the day after they've broken up is not a smart move. But each situation is unique.
I had a situation where I was with somebody for a year followed by a messy break up and four days later she was with somebody who was a friend (but not a close one). Now I actually felt relieved that we were broken up (God knows I couldn't handle the arguments any more!). What annoyed me was the fact they were both being quite blatant about trying to rub it in my face. Which had little effect but the fact that they were even trying was a bit of shit thing to do in my book. My vindictive side gave me warm fuzzy feeling when things went horribly wrong for them
we're all ok again now but it did cause certain rifts in the friendship group at the time.
If you really feel there's something worth salvaging then I think it would be good for you to confront you mates and say that you do want to build bridges and be friends again. The best you can do is be frank with them. Hopefully something good will come of it! If the situation doesn't rectify in time then at least you can say you tried. It's shit when things like this cause friends to break up as friends are far more important than partners in my opinion.
Good luck, hope you sort it out
I had a situation where I was with somebody for a year followed by a messy break up and four days later she was with somebody who was a friend (but not a close one). Now I actually felt relieved that we were broken up (God knows I couldn't handle the arguments any more!). What annoyed me was the fact they were both being quite blatant about trying to rub it in my face. Which had little effect but the fact that they were even trying was a bit of shit thing to do in my book. My vindictive side gave me warm fuzzy feeling when things went horribly wrong for them
we're all ok again now but it did cause certain rifts in the friendship group at the time.If you really feel there's something worth salvaging then I think it would be good for you to confront you mates and say that you do want to build bridges and be friends again. The best you can do is be frank with them. Hopefully something good will come of it! If the situation doesn't rectify in time then at least you can say you tried. It's shit when things like this cause friends to break up as friends are far more important than partners in my opinion.
Good luck, hope you sort it out
Hey... do you think that she knows what she doing to you?Aanorith said:I hear ya. You are most certainly rightD4zZ said:
She said she hated your friends...yet, she dated not one but two of them. I think she is trying to break you...how I do not know.
Just listen to EDIT: D4zZ advice.
There is no bro code. Seriously, you break up with someone, you have nothing to do with what they do with their lives. Why should a friend feel guilty for dating her then?
I could care less, really. Whatever happened between my exs and I happened between us, no one else. I can't say I would understand why any of my friends would WANT to date any of my ex boyfriends, but I certainly wouldn't care if they did.
imo
If you and Jennifer were mutually done with each other and it was just a "We can't make this work" situation (ie having closure), which based purely on your side of things seems to be the case, that's one thing. Far be it for one guy's miss to cockblock another guys potential hit.
Yeah it was a dick move to hide that he was going out with her, and ditching the party, but it's possible that some people will do that to see if this new "shadowy" relationship is actually worth rocking the boat with their original friends. However, from what you say here, once things were out in the open about him and Jennifer it doesn't sound like he had any intention of keeping things civil, much less friendly.
In short? F*ck 'im. It's just a matter of time before he decides to put something else ahead of your friendship.
As to Jennifer herself (and the undoubtedly growing list of male suitors), that's pretty simple too. It's like a trial by fire; while most men aren't governed by their libidos, sometimes they have a moment of weakness and make a decision where past experience and every moral or rational fiber of their being says that the decision they are making is potentially (and very likely to be) wrong. If they can make that decision, not become raging ass's while dating her, and keep a sense of self-respect during and after their relationship ends, then that takes some strong character and should be valued and respected in a friend. If however they succumb to whatever asshat-ery is going on and become anti-social, clueless morons there's a simple solution for that too;
F*ck 'im and f*ck 'er too.
It's understandable that it can be a hard thing to keep your priorities in view and in order, but that doesn't excuse someone when they see a river of shit, know about the river of shit and then throw themselves in anyway to let themselves be carried away by that river of shit. That's just being a dumbass.
My opinion anyway.
If you and Jennifer were mutually done with each other and it was just a "We can't make this work" situation (ie having closure), which based purely on your side of things seems to be the case, that's one thing. Far be it for one guy's miss to cockblock another guys potential hit.
Yeah it was a dick move to hide that he was going out with her, and ditching the party, but it's possible that some people will do that to see if this new "shadowy" relationship is actually worth rocking the boat with their original friends. However, from what you say here, once things were out in the open about him and Jennifer it doesn't sound like he had any intention of keeping things civil, much less friendly.
In short? F*ck 'im. It's just a matter of time before he decides to put something else ahead of your friendship.
As to Jennifer herself (and the undoubtedly growing list of male suitors), that's pretty simple too. It's like a trial by fire; while most men aren't governed by their libidos, sometimes they have a moment of weakness and make a decision where past experience and every moral or rational fiber of their being says that the decision they are making is potentially (and very likely to be) wrong. If they can make that decision, not become raging ass's while dating her, and keep a sense of self-respect during and after their relationship ends, then that takes some strong character and should be valued and respected in a friend. If however they succumb to whatever asshat-ery is going on and become anti-social, clueless morons there's a simple solution for that too;
F*ck 'im and f*ck 'er too.
It's understandable that it can be a hard thing to keep your priorities in view and in order, but that doesn't excuse someone when they see a river of shit, know about the river of shit and then throw themselves in anyway to let themselves be carried away by that river of shit. That's just being a dumbass.
My opinion anyway.
That thought has crossed my mind quite a few times. She can be very manipulative. She treated the first guy like shit and he is still really bummed about it months later. I did talk about it to guy number two. It is a real concern she may go ape-shit on his aswell. But if they manage to have a working relationship thats great, ill host the wedding toast. But yeah, I'm keeping Yours and D4zZ's advice in mind. Thank you.Dr. wonderful said:Hey... do you think that she knows what she doing to you?Aanorith said:I hear ya. You are most certainly rightD4zZ said:
She said she hated your friends...yet, she dated not one but two of them. I think she is trying to break you...how I do not know.
Just listen to EDIT: D4zZ advice.
I don't subscribe to such school yard rules. What's between them is between them, and doesn't involve me any more than it would going the other way around. However, it's skeevy to know who's fluids she'd been taking before going out with me. Of course, if I really think about it knowing that she's done so with anyone, stranger or otherwise, makes me sick.
I guess I can't win this one.
I guess I can't win this one.
The idea that it's none of your business that they're dating is bullshit. You and she have a history, and your 9and her) ability to handle that history while she's dating a friend of yours will set the tone for your continued friendship with the dude that's now dating her.
Now, that said, it's not required for him to seek your permission, nor is it your place to withold it. You and she broke up, fair play to him. But as a friend, if he actually values your friendship and feelings, it is his responsibility to tell you.
He should know that dating a friend's ex is opening a pandora's box of akwardness and drama, and should at least have the decency to tell you about it. It's as simple as sitting down with you and saying "I want you to know I'm dating Jennifer. I know you have a history, and this could be akward, but I like her, and I want to pursue this, but I still want to be your friend." and work from there. If you give him your blessing, awesome. If you have a problem with it, you sit on it, and try to work past it yourself.
The fact that he did it behind your back suggests to me that he didn't care about your feelings, and acted selfishly. He cut you out of the loop without even giving you a chance to stay in it. Fuck him.
Acting in a mature, adult manner. It's what's for dinner.
The bro code isn't "bros before hos" it's "treat your bros like bros, even when a ho is involved."
-m
Now, that said, it's not required for him to seek your permission, nor is it your place to withold it. You and she broke up, fair play to him. But as a friend, if he actually values your friendship and feelings, it is his responsibility to tell you.
He should know that dating a friend's ex is opening a pandora's box of akwardness and drama, and should at least have the decency to tell you about it. It's as simple as sitting down with you and saying "I want you to know I'm dating Jennifer. I know you have a history, and this could be akward, but I like her, and I want to pursue this, but I still want to be your friend." and work from there. If you give him your blessing, awesome. If you have a problem with it, you sit on it, and try to work past it yourself.
The fact that he did it behind your back suggests to me that he didn't care about your feelings, and acted selfishly. He cut you out of the loop without even giving you a chance to stay in it. Fuck him.
Acting in a mature, adult manner. It's what's for dinner.
The bro code isn't "bros before hos" it's "treat your bros like bros, even when a ho is involved."
-m