Poll: How do you feel about friends with benefits?

[game-lover]

I know I said I picked the neutral response and it's mostly true.

But there's still the fact that I just can't how people do it. How it's done.

Unrelated to whether it's good or bad or it can work or not... my mind just cannot compute.

So while I guess I'm mostly neutral, it's not enough to have an open mind. Just not possible.

 

[Vault101]

Cool story, bro.

Sounds like you're a doormat that likes being used.

like me he may have interpreted it like "I'm not going to help you if your in trouble" you didnt specify first time around, also if doing favors for your significant other makes you THAT upset then mabye your doing it wrong

 

[Artemis923]

Cool story, bro.

Sounds like you're a doormat that likes being used.

like me he may have interpreted it like "I'm not going to help you if your in trouble" you didnt specify first time around, also if doing favors for your significant other makes you THAT upset then mabye your doing it wrong

I don't mind doing favors, but I've been used a lot in my time and I don't appreciate it tbh.

There was a time I would have bent over backwards for the lady I was with. My generosity led to me being used over and over again. So, you'll forgive me if I don't ask for another helping of a shit sandwich.

 

[FantasticMrLP]

While it could work for other people, I don't believe it would work for me. I'm too much of a hopeless romantic and sooner or later i'd develop feelings for her. Also I don't like the idea that she might be screwing other guys than me.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

But there's still the fact that I just can't how people do it. How it's done.
Unrelated to whether it's good or bad or it can work or not... my mind just cannot compute.

... are you asking someone to explain it? I don't mind - I did farther up thread - this post just seemed kinda out of no where.

I remember in previous sex related threads that you sometimes have a fascination with this sort of thing as you can't really wrap your mind around it, which is why I asked if you really wanted me to explain it. And, if so, which part (cause I gave out some tips for starting one higher up on this very page of the thread)?

 

[Quaxar]

No, just... no. Even reading Bara's posts makes me feel weird.
I think if anything I'd rather try a relationshp without benefits.

Actually, from your second comment there, I take it you are asexual? I have an asexual friend who's currently in a romantic relationship. Her situation could be described as a "relationship without benefits" and she's quite happy with it.

Come to think of it, I gave her the friendly "if you're ever interested in a threeway" conversation (see my post above) a few years back (before she got with her current boyfriend). She laughed and declined, and that was that.

I don't know, possibly. While I can certainly appreciate the idea of intercourse both from a biological and aesthetical standpoint I don't really have much desire to be actively involved and actually find it quite tedious most of the time.
And anyway, even so I could not imagine doing anything with more than one person and if you asked me to join a threesome I'd probably at best be slowly backing away. Or regretting I didn't buy those smoke grenades in the magic shop clearance sale.

So yeah, I think I could appreciate a sexless relationship much more than relationshipless sex.

 

[Brutal Peanut]

A man was 'friends-with-benefits' with his ex. He said that when the ex. started crying , missing their relationship, and started to confide in him, he just left quickly and then laughed about it; saying that when she started doing that annoying stuff it was time to leave. I thought that story was a bit disturbing and it's stuck with me. That doesn't seem like 'friends-with-benefits' at all, doesn't even sound like 'friends' - it just sounds cruel.

Ugh. Yeah, that's not Friends with Benefits. That's Ex Sex. Which can be okay, or it can be depressing, or it can be fucked up (as your example seems to be).

In Ex Sex, you had a previous relationship that ended and further sexual contact is casual (or not) because of the previous intimacy.

Friends with Benefits typically only applies when the sexual component is added on top of some sort of existing friendship without any previous sexual activity.

Both are distinct from "Fuck Buddy"

A Fuck Buddy is someone you know know as a sexual partner, but have no interest in dating or being friends with outside of occasional sex because you have little/nothing in common aside from sex.

Yes, I know the general difference, but I just remembered the bad example story and felt like sharing since we were on the topic. I like how you explained everything to me though, a nice refresher. ^_^

 

[King Aragorn]

Don't see what's wrong with this, if you like this sort of thing. Sex doesn't really equal love, otherwise prostitutes would be the biggest lover on the planet. It can express love, sure, but not always.

 

[bluepilot]

The thing is, I think I'm attractive and I'm pretty confident, I've been invited a couple times with strangers to do the one night thing which I've always decline because I doubt I would be in the mood. I don't want to be in the situation when I'm the action I have to tell my partner ''sorry, can't get into the mood, put your clothes back''.
So yeah! Friends with benefits, I want to try it, I'm sure I will, I just think it's risky for me. Maybe I need another mindset for these kind of things.
Any advice ?

Advice? Sure.

First of, if it's sex with a stranger (or strangers) that's not really Friends with Benefits, because it's missing the Friends aspect. That's more like a one-night stand. Or possibly the beginning of a Fuck Buddy (someone who you only have sex with and aren't otherwise friends with).

One of the things that makes it Friends with Benefits - and that makes it more fun and easier to do - is that you already know the person (or people) you're about to have sex with. That alone can help, because you do have a relationship with the person - a "just friends" relationship. You care about the person. You might even love the person - as a friend. The sex, in this case, is more about "orgasms are fun" than something more romantic.

For example, you can go out to dinner with a lover and have a romantic evening. Or you can go out to dinner with a friend and joke around and talk about your lives. They're the same activity, but with very different tones. That's kinda of what sex with a lover vs Friends with Benefits is like.

Secondly, it helps if you know how to turn yourself on. I have a friend who needs to have a drink before she can really let loose sexually. She doesn't need to be drunk, but the one drink acts as a sort of mental signal that it is okay for her to relax and enjoy herself.

Another friend of mine has trouble accessing her fantasies unless she's pretending to be someone else. When she's 'her' she's thinking about her job or taxes or whatever and while she can still enjoy herself, she doesn't really have any sexual fantasies. However, if she pretends (just in her own head) to be one of her characters (she's a writer), her characters have sexual fantasies that she can then live out. Of course, those fantasies are hers (since they're in her head) but she can only access them by first pretending that she is someone else.

Weird, but hey, we all have our methods.

So one thing that might help is if you consider how you get yourself going. What makes you want to have sex during a relationship? How about when you masturbate? What do you fantasize about? If you find yourself in a situation where you want to be in the mood, just use the same mindset or technique to get in the mood.

Personally, I'm very turned on by the idea of group sex. It takes pretty much no effort for me to get turned on by swinging with another couple or having a five-way because that is my fantasy. Or a subset of it anyway. And, even if reality never quite lives up to the fantasy in my head, it's still fun and enjoyable.

Finally, one last thing. I once attended a group sex event when I wasn't very in the mood. I was pregnant and near the end of my first Trimester and I was SO TIRED. Being pregnant just wiped me out. I was blah about everything. And, just my luck, I got invited to a five-way while feeling like shit. So I sucked it up and went. My brain was into it, but my body wasn't. It was... okay. Not great, but my brain is a powerful place and helped my body soldier through it.

I guess the point is that your brain is the key to your arousal. If you know what turns your brain on, you can pretty much always turn yourself on if you want to be turned on. Just know yourself, your turn-ons, and how to access them without relying on others.

Edit: Captcha: Dalek asylum.
captcha! How did you know my dark secret?! Oh, damn you, you sexy daleks you!

Now that you mention it, Daleks are rather phallic, I had never noticed that before. "Perform external examination" , no no no, too much, I will stop...."exsperminate"....aaagh...how did I miss it?

I have never had friends with benefits but it sounds like something I would like to try. I am very ambivalent about sex a lot of the time. I can pretty much take care of my own needs and when I m with someone it is more about the company. hmm...tough one. If I liked somebody enough to sleep with them, then I would probably want him to be my boyfriend. I am very much the jealous type.

 

[Guitarmasterx7]

I don't feel about friends with benefits. I thought that was supposed to be the point.

 

[AnthrSolidSnake]

I haven't been out of a relationship long enough to have on very long. I've only ever had one, and it seemed soon after it started she moved across the country. It worked well enough, but really it was a short time, so I can't say if it would work long term or anything. I tend to end up having year long relationships and they've ended up in pretty quick succession.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

I don't know, possibly. While I can certainly appreciate the idea of intercourse both from a biological and aesthetical standpoint I don't really have much desire to be actively involved and actually find it quite tedious most of the time.
So yeah, I think I could appreciate a sexless relationship much more than relationshipless sex.

That sounds pretty much how she (my openly asexual friend) described being asexual. At least for her - not all asexuals are asexual for the same reasons. You might want to consider checking more of that community out, you might find some like-minded people there.

Yes, I know the general difference, but I just remembered the bad example story and felt like sharing since we were on the topic. I like how you explained everything to me though, a nice refresher. ^_^

**grin** Fair enough. And thank you.

I had a lot of fun defining the differences. I felt like I was on an episode of Sex and the City. Actually, that's where I got my differentiation between Friends with Benefits and Fuck Buddy (there's an episode on that). Loved that show. ^^ (the movies... yeah, no)

Now that you mention it, Daleks are rather phallic, I had never noticed that before. "Perform external examination" , no no no, too much, I will stop...."exsperminate"....aaagh...how did I miss it?

Oh gods, you've made it worse! ... also, those gun things of theirs are very phallic as well, and much more usefully sized. And those plunger hands. Yikes!

Now I'm curious. I may have to check the internet for Rule 34 with Daleks.

I have never had friends with benefits but it sounds like something I would like to try. I am very ambivalent about sex a lot of the time. I can pretty much take care of my own needs and when I m with someone it is more about the company. hmm...tough one. If I liked somebody enough to sleep with them, then I would probably want him to be my boyfriend. I am very much the jealous type.

This is very... complex. I'm not really sure what to say here. Jealousy if often a dangerous thing to combine with Friends with Benefits, so there's that. One of the reasons I pull it off so well is a fairly obvious lack of jealousy.

One benefit of FwB is the lack of other relationship stuff. It can be useful if you're really busy with other things - like work or school. A Fuck Buddy (see definition difference above) can also be useful in the same circumstances.

Captcha: want more?
**bites lip, then shakes head** Naw... too easy.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

I think they can work, but a lot of the time they don't. Usually people develop actual romantic feelings (the only couples I know that did the whole 'friends with benefits' thing eventually just became couples), which can get messy if it's not mutual. Knowing myself, I think that if I met a girl that I found attractive and liked enough to do that with, I'd end up falling for them anyway. I've had sex with girls without being in a relationship, occasionally a few times, but I imagine that if I made a habit of it it wouldn't end well for me.

That's not to say I don't think it would work well for other people. I know a lot of guys who would happily do it. The only girl I've ever met that seemed like they wanted something like that was in a relationship with me, and left me because it was too serious.

So on one level, fuck it.

 

[Vegosiux]

One benefit of FwB is the lack of other relationship stuff. It can be useful if you're really busy with other things - like work or school. A Fuck Buddy (see definition difference above) can also be useful in the same circumstances.

I actually see no difference, but that might be because I wouldn't be too interested in regular sex with someone that's not close enough to me to be my friend, as well. But I'll have to withdraw from the thread now, since if I see the expression one more time I'm going to have an aneurysm.

I've also figured out what bothers me about it so much. "Friends with benefits" implies that there's no inherent benefit to friendship itself. And it just sounds pretentious and juvenile. Irrational aversion on my part, maybe, but that's how it is.

 

[Assassin Xaero]

Other - I don't know. For me personally, I know it wouldn't work, even ignoring the fact that I'd be against it. I'm sure it might work for some people, but still, I don't really know how other people think and feel, so it may not.

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

I don't like the idea. I don't condemn it, though. If it works for you, go for it. But it doesn't work for me. I'm not into casual sex.

 

[game-lover]

But there's still the fact that I just can't how people do it. How it's done.
Unrelated to whether it's good or bad or it can work or not... my mind just cannot compute.

... are you asking someone to explain it? I don't mind - I did farther up thread - this post just seemed kinda out of no where.

I remember in previous sex related threads that you sometimes have a fascination with this sort of thing as you can't really wrap your mind around it, which is why I asked if you really wanted me to explain it. And, if so, which part (cause I gave out some tips for starting one higher up on this very page of the thread)?

That's nice of you but you don't have to. I wasn't really asking for an explanation. I'm at the point where I'm resigned until never understanding no matter what it is or how often people try and do that for me.

Honestly, I suppose it was a bit random. Resulting from reading the thread after my post and some before that I just happily skipped over being lazy. Threads like these tend to remind me of stuff that left me befuddled until I forgot all about it.

In this case, it was the use of the adjective "fun" to describe sex. It's not an adjective I'm comfortable using for it. And that just reminded me of all of the other little conundrums dealing with sexual relationships and yadda yadda. I couldn't think of something to say that was truly relevant about that so I summed it up in that sentence. As it seems to fit most everything with me.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

In this case, it was the use of the adjective "fun" to describe sex. It's not an adjective I'm comfortable using for it.

Fair enough. However, I do have a question. When you and the person you love have sex... isn't it fun? My spouse and I have fun when it's just the two of us.

I guess I have a hard time understanding why someone would enjoy sex if it wasn't fun.

 

[game-lover]

In this case, it was the use of the adjective "fun" to describe sex. It's not an adjective I'm comfortable using for it.

Fair enough. However, I do have a question. When you and the person you love have sex... isn't it fun? My spouse and I have fun when it's just the two of us.

I guess I have a hard time understanding why someone would enjoy sex if it wasn't fun.

Well first, I should clarify that I'm a virgin. And that single sentence should explain lots about my attitude toward this subject.

That being said... to address your statement... I separate "enjoyment" from "fun." I believe sex is something that can be enjoyed and surely feels good. But that it feeling good doesn't go hand in hand with "fun." Or at least, I feel like it should be that way and it's hard for me to connect the notion of fun with sex.

Like for example, there's a lot of things that can feel good to people but they wouldn't consider them fun. And there's probably stuff people consider fun but would not say it feels good.

I guess it's just my experience with things I consider fun... when I think about those things, it seems that sex is too... serious? intimate? I dunno.

But like I said, it's one of the many elements that I can't quite fathom.