Poll: How do you feel about friends with benefits?

[Bara_no_Hime]

Also, talking about sex experience on lunch, you sure aren't boring teehee

I dunno, sex is a pretty common "girl talk" subject. We were just hanging out comparing notes. Don't guys sit around and talk about sex?

I mean, it would probably be a tad less common between male and female friends. Well, depending on the friends. I also chat about sex with male friends fairly frequently.

I'll be honest here, I don't really know. I like bath/shower sex, I don't know if that count as romantic but it is for me (so it's a turn on).

Okay, that's a good one. If you wanted to try something casual, you could suggest taking a shower together sometime. Then, the turn-on of the shower sex would replace your usual need for romance, allowing for something casual.

That is, assuming you even want something casual. But that was the original thesis, and you don't seem quite sure if you want that or a romantic arrangement.

Anyway you've given up some really good advice so far, you've been sweet and I really appreciate your help.

No problem. ^^ I'm always happy to help, even if it's just brain storming.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

Well first, I should clarify that I'm a virgin. And that single sentence should explain lots about my attitude toward this subject.

Yes, actually.

I guess it's just my experience with things I consider fun... when I think about those things, it seems that sex is too... serious? intimate? I dunno.
But like I said, it's one of the many elements that I can't quite fathom.

I'm not sure I'd have thought about sex being fun before I had it. When you haven't had it yet, sex seems like this... powerful, mysterious thing. And it can be. A good first time can be absolutely amazing. Mine was pretty darn good. Very romantic. It felt special.

That was because my partner knew what she was doing.

I have had friends who weren't so lucky. Their first times were awkward, clumsy, and just bad. Or in some cases anatomically difficult.

The point that I am doing a fairly bad job of making is that sex is never just one thing. It's lots of things.

So when I say sex with my spouse is fun, I mean it. It's how we play. We've been having sex together for 10 years - if it wasn't fun, we wouldn't have sex almost every night. We're gamers - sex is like the best co-op game ever for us.

That's not to say that all sex is fun. It really depends on the partner or partners involved.

I've had "serious" sex before. It's boring. Ugh.

As far as intimate goes, that depends. With my spouse, it's fun but also intimate. With the friends we swing with, it isn't nearly as intimate. Sex can be amazingly intimate - or it can be very surfacy. Not literally, but emotionally surfacy. It depends on one's partner or partners.

 

[TehCookie]

It's not for me, but I think it's better than sleeping around. I have a cousin where if she doesn't have a boyfriend she always has a fuckbuddy, and she uses it as a way to not have to worry about STDs from sleeping around while still enjoying sex.

 

[OtherSideofSky]

I think they can work out well for some people, but that sort of arrangement definitely isn't for me. I'm completely incapable of separating sex and romance and I don't think it would be fair to myself or anyone else for me to even try.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

I don't approve of the concept and would never engage in such a thing. ...not that I've really had the opportunity.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

I'm the same. Though for me it's still only an idea, since I've never actually done it.
I have no idea how I would react (or even cope) if I was actually put in that situation.

....

I could just sit and watch your avatar for hours. I'm not even drunk, but I totally could. I couldn't even bring myself to click "quote" until your avatar cleared all the rows.

Ahem.

Anyway, I've actually given quite a bit of advice (or at least personal experience and technique) on that subject, at least as it relates to friend with benefits, farther up thread. Of course, most of that works best when you're already part of a couple (and can ask other couples). Not that singles can't do it, obviously, but getting a group together is hard.

Personally, I've always loved the idea of having a "sex party" with, like dozens of people in a big house. That would be amazing. But I don't know nearly enough interested people to plan one myself. **sigh** That will have to remain a fantasy for now.

 

[Maxtro]

None of my female friends ever wanted benefits, or to date me

 

[Sandernista]

I'm not sure the difference between "casual" sex with a friend and a relationship.

I understand the concept of straight up casual sex, which really isn't really my cup of tea. Every partner I've ever had has been a friend, and I would describe each as being part of a relationship.

 

[Angie7F]

I voted other because sometimes traditional relationships are not enough to define people.
Being caught up in such terms is so limiting.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

I'm not sure the difference between "casual" sex with a friend and a relationship.
I understand the concept of straight up casual sex, which really isn't really my cup of tea. Every partner I've ever had has been a friend, and I would describe each as being part of a relationship.

I'm not entirely sure I'm understanding you here, so if this shot in the dark misses the point, please forgive me.

Anyway...

I think the issue you're having is that, in the case of casual sex with friends (friends with benefits) there is still the established friendship relationship.

So yes, there is that relationship. However, as typically is the case with Friends with Benefits, that relationship is merely friendly and non-romantic.

A romantic sexual partner would expect to go out on dates, deepen the relationship by talking about unknown aspects of each person like family, dreams, and expectations for the future. The idea here being to get to know one another better with the possibility of long-term partnership being in mind if not the goal.

Whereas a Friends with Benefits partner wouldn't expect to do anything out of the ordinary for the friendship. The friendship would continue as it was before the benefits were added.

Is that what you mean? Was that at all helpful?

 

[Vegosiux]

Don't guys sit around and talk about sex?

From my experience, not really. We do talk about how certain women have a nice butt and the like, but then again we also talk (affectionately, of course) about how our women can be such battleaxes at times and how they're stressing us out. Then we slap each other on the shoulders and start talking about how awesomely the goalkeeper saved that penalty. Or job anecdotes. Very rarely sex.

That was actually, almost word for word, a question my ex asked me when she went on some kind of sex talk I don't remember much, but seemed completely random. I raised an eyebrow, going "This casual conversation, or what?" to which she, rather surprised, went "Don't you guys talk about sex all the time?" And was equally surprised when I told her not really.

I suppose to us sex is more something we do rather than talk about, and talking about it isn't nearly as exciting as talking about the Champions' League finals.

 

[Legendairy314]

I'm in the mindset that sex without a meaningful relationship is just mutual masturbation. All you're getting out of it is the satisfaction of fulfilling the primal urge to reproduce. IMO it's a lot safer and smarter to just take care of that stuff on your own if it bothers you so much.

 

[craftomega]

I'm in the mindset that sex without a meaningful relationship is just mutual masturbation. All you're getting out of it is the satisfaction of fulfilling the primal urge to reproduce. IMO it's a lot safer and smarter to just take care of that stuff on your own if it bothers you so much.

Different chemicals are released when you are with someone else. Honestly iv had my urge for sex fufilled by just lying naked with someone without sex.

So it really comes down to what you are willing to suffer with.

 

[Seydaman]

I don't mind people who want it or do it, but I think I would become emotionally attached in most situations, screwing the whole dynamic.

 

[Sandernista]

A romantic sexual partner would expect to go out on dates, deepen the relationship by talking about unknown aspects of each person like family, dreams, and expectations for the future.

I do all with my close friends, though! Shoot we go to the movies, out to eat, talk about ourselves, our futures, etc. Anything less is just an acquaintance.

Is that what you mean? Was that at all helpful?

I guess I just don't approach friendships the way you do. The only difference between my friends and my girlfriend is that I sleep with my girlfriend.

 

[axlryder]

I've never met someone who was significantly better off for having one in the long run, and I've seen a lot of them go bad for various reasons, but as I've met more people who have been in FWB relationships, I don't think it HAS to go south. Besides, "real" relationships seem to be equally if not more risky when it comes to getting hurt.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

I do all with my close friends, though! Shoot we go to the movies, out to eat, talk about ourselves, our futures, etc. Anything less is just an acquaintance.
I guess I just don't approach friendships the way you do. The only difference between my friends and my girlfriend is that I sleep with my girlfriend.

Well yes, I go out to eat with friends and talk about my life, but it's... different. It feels different, you know?

For that matter, as I (think?) I've mentioned before, sex with my partner feels different than with casual partners.

 

[Sandernista]

I do all with my close friends, though! Shoot we go to the movies, out to eat, talk about ourselves, our futures, etc. Anything less is just an acquaintance.
I guess I just don't approach friendships the way you do. The only difference between my friends and my girlfriend is that I sleep with my girlfriend.

Well yes, I go out to eat with friends and talk about my life, but it's... different. It feels different, you know?

For that matter, as I (think?) I've mentioned before, sex with my partner feels different than with casual partners.

It doesn't feel all that different for me, but maybe I'm really close to my friends. (Or just friendly with my partner)

And this just might be my lack of experience with what I would describe as casual sex.

 

[Hagi]

Great if it works for others, just probably not really for me.

Not because of any moral stuff or whatever, I just don't think I could keep my own emotions straight. Either we're dating with all the stuff that comes with that, or we're not with none of the stuff that comes with that. Nice and simple. Friends with benefits would probably just become complicated if I was involved.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

It doesn't feel all that different for me, but maybe I'm really close to my friends. (Or just friendly with my partner)
And this just might be my lack of experience with what I would describe as casual sex.

Well, everyone's brain is built differently. Different people feel different about things.

With most of my relationships, there wasn't always a friendship first. Sometimes friendships developed, sometimes they didn't, and sometimes I dated people who were friends first.

I've talked to a lot of people about how they do their relationships. My best relationships were with people I was friends with first. It sounds like yours are similar. However, with some people I know, they would never consider dating a friend because they'd be worried about 'ruining a friendship' and they get weirded out if a relationship feels too much like a friendship.

For that matter, I've heard a relationship feeling too much like a friendship as grounds for a couple breaking up. I personally find that kind of insane, but it's how some people feel.

So if you want someone to explain how relationships feel different from a friendship, I may not be the best person. For me, my spouse and I are best friends, and somehow more than best friends. I can't really describe it other than best friends Plus. It's more. I don't know how, or why, but it is. And it isn't the sex, because we've had sex with other friends.

So yeah... words are failing me. But then, for me, friendship is the most important aspect to a relationship. That and sex. But it's different than friends with benefits. ... because emotions? That's all I got.