Poll: How do you feel about friends with benefits?
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i always have one when im not in a relationship....im male so have my needs but at the same time im not one to sleep around with randoms soo having a friend with benifit is the perfect fit.....it is possible to develop feelings through it but ive conditioned myself not to fall for the person im sure others do the same as it can get complicated when feelings get involved.....overall i think it can work if handled carefully
Oh my gods! That's awful. I hope he was arrested and put away, cause that is not right! What the hell?Moonlight Butterfly said:
Also, seven years of engagement? Yikes. That sounds like an issue right there.
If I could swing it (pun not intended, but welcome), I'd be poly-amorous. I like being with lots of people, and if one of the couples my spouse and I swing with ever felt "right" I would be very open to us "dating" another couple and possibly taking things to a more serious level.Moonlight Butterfly said:I don't really get sleeping with people other than your boyfriend but I certainly don't judge anyone for it
To quote, "I love love." ^^
A friends with benefits situation can have potential to work out so long as there is proper communication and every party is willing and able. Some people tie romance and sex together to the point that a FwB situation would probably be a risky endeavor with a chance of friendships being damaged. However, FwB can be ideal to others, so I see no problem with people engaging in it. On a personal level, they definitely aren't for me (I'm asexual and not really interested in sex or intimate touch, so the "benefits" wouldn't really be benefits for me).
My only problem with FwB scenarios is when miscommunication or misunderstandings arise should one person develop romantic feelings while the other doesn't reciprocate those feelings. Neither side is wrong in the sense that a person can only have so much control over who they do or do not feel romantically attracted to, but I do have a problem with scenarios in which people are vilified in order to make one person appear to be the "victim" of the situation. (Usually, I see the person who doesn't return the affections being vilified, but I'm sure the opposite scenario happens all too often as well, and I think it is an action that should be discouraged in general, even outside of FwB situations).
My only problem with FwB scenarios is when miscommunication or misunderstandings arise should one person develop romantic feelings while the other doesn't reciprocate those feelings. Neither side is wrong in the sense that a person can only have so much control over who they do or do not feel romantically attracted to, but I do have a problem with scenarios in which people are vilified in order to make one person appear to be the "victim" of the situation. (Usually, I see the person who doesn't return the affections being vilified, but I'm sure the opposite scenario happens all too often as well, and I think it is an action that should be discouraged in general, even outside of FwB situations).
Honestly, if you want to fuck your friend, go for it. It's not like sex means love anyway. And if you'd like to reserve doing the dirty for someone you care about, well that's cool too, I guess.
Not going to lie I have a small circle of friends who shall remain nameless and we all know each other very well and I won't lie there is one I would love to have sex with but she already had sex with another friend. They had an argument which somehow lead to them have sex and I think they were a couple of a while. But long story short we're all still good friends it's just if I did end up having sex with her I think it would very awkward because my other who had sex with her is damn near like a brother to me and I feel like I would end up being compared to him.
-_- Ha ha.RedDeadFred said:
Ya im thinking of getting together with this one girl. But im not sure.
I wouldn't say that I'm personally opposed to them. I've had somewhat similar relationships in the past, though I tend to be wary of relationships that start out based purely on sex, since, in my experience, one person ends up becoming attached than the other. That is when things get a bit problematic, especially if the people are incompatible on other levels. The key is to keep it open and honest.
My last relationship basically started out like that, and she wound up becoming more attached than I was at the time. I was truthful about it and explained that I didn't feel the same way and she was a bit hurt, but we decided to keep the relationship going to see what would happen. Eventually I grew to love her, and we ended up dating for just over a year, until we broke up. Keep in mind, if you're the attached one, don't hold on counting on that greater bond to grow, because it may never happen.
Like most things, as long as you're truthful, even if it can be a bit hurtful, it can work out all right.
My last relationship basically started out like that, and she wound up becoming more attached than I was at the time. I was truthful about it and explained that I didn't feel the same way and she was a bit hurt, but we decided to keep the relationship going to see what would happen. Eventually I grew to love her, and we ended up dating for just over a year, until we broke up. Keep in mind, if you're the attached one, don't hold on counting on that greater bond to grow, because it may never happen.
Like most things, as long as you're truthful, even if it can be a bit hurtful, it can work out all right.
Advice? Sure.tricky-crazy said:The thing is, I think I'm attractive and I'm pretty confident, I've been invited a couple times with strangers to do the one night thing which I've always decline because I doubt I would be in the mood. I don't want to be in the situation when I'm the action I have to tell my partner ''sorry, can't get into the mood, put your clothes back''.
So yeah! Friends with benefits, I want to try it, I'm sure I will, I just think it's risky for me. Maybe I need another mindset for these kind of things.
Any advice ?
First of, if it's sex with a stranger (or strangers) that's not really Friends with Benefits, because it's missing the Friends aspect. That's more like a one-night stand. Or possibly the beginning of a Fuck Buddy (someone who you only have sex with and aren't otherwise friends with).
One of the things that makes it Friends with Benefits - and that makes it more fun and easier to do - is that you already know the person (or people) you're about to have sex with. That alone can help, because you do have a relationship with the person - a "just friends" relationship. You care about the person. You might even love the person - as a friend. The sex, in this case, is more about "orgasms are fun" than something more romantic.
For example, you can go out to dinner with a lover and have a romantic evening. Or you can go out to dinner with a friend and joke around and talk about your lives. They're the same activity, but with very different tones. That's kinda of what sex with a lover vs Friends with Benefits is like.
Secondly, it helps if you know how to turn yourself on. I have a friend who needs to have a drink before she can really let loose sexually. She doesn't need to be drunk, but the one drink acts as a sort of mental signal that it is okay for her to relax and enjoy herself.
Another friend of mine has trouble accessing her fantasies unless she's pretending to be someone else. When she's 'her' she's thinking about her job or taxes or whatever and while she can still enjoy herself, she doesn't really have any sexual fantasies. However, if she pretends (just in her own head) to be one of her characters (she's a writer), her characters have sexual fantasies that she can then live out. Of course, those fantasies are hers (since they're in her head) but she can only access them by first pretending that she is someone else.
Weird, but hey, we all have our methods.
So one thing that might help is if you consider how you get yourself going. What makes you want to have sex during a relationship? How about when you masturbate? What do you fantasize about? If you find yourself in a situation where you want to be in the mood, just use the same mindset or technique to get in the mood.
Personally, I'm very turned on by the idea of group sex. It takes pretty much no effort for me to get turned on by swinging with another couple or having a five-way because that is my fantasy. Or a subset of it anyway. And, even if reality never quite lives up to the fantasy in my head, it's still fun and enjoyable.
Finally, one last thing. I once attended a group sex event when I wasn't very in the mood. I was pregnant and near the end of my first Trimester and I was SO TIRED. Being pregnant just wiped me out. I was blah about everything. And, just my luck, I got invited to a five-way while feeling like shit. So I sucked it up and went. My brain was into it, but my body wasn't. It was... okay. Not great, but my brain is a powerful place and helped my body soldier through it.
I guess the point is that your brain is the key to your arousal. If you know what turns your brain on, you can pretty much always turn yourself on if you want to be turned on. Just know yourself, your turn-ons, and how to access them without relying on others.
Edit: Captcha: Dalek asylum.
captcha! How did you know my dark secret?! Oh, damn you, you sexy daleks you!
I think it's fine, it's good.
I had a friend-with-benefits kind of understanding with a friend. Funnily enough, we were a lot closer a couple of years ago, and had stronger feelings for one another, but nothing happened back then because he was taken at that time.
Then, later on, we weren't quite as close as we'd been, and were both free to mess around, so we did. Living in the same house at uni helped a lot, and quite honestly, it never became awkward.
I had a friend-with-benefits kind of understanding with a friend. Funnily enough, we were a lot closer a couple of years ago, and had stronger feelings for one another, but nothing happened back then because he was taken at that time.
Then, later on, we weren't quite as close as we'd been, and were both free to mess around, so we did. Living in the same house at uni helped a lot, and quite honestly, it never became awkward.
^^ No problem!tricky-crazy said:First of, thanks for the advice, I greatly appreciate it
Well, for me, I typically don't ask directly. I talk about the concept.tricky-crazy said:I guess I should have also mentioned, the thing with friends with benefit is that I don't really know how to come up with the subject.
It's such an alien concept to me to ask for sex to a friend. I have a lot of female friends who are single and quite attractive, so the option isn't the problem.
It's just that I can't really see myself asking this to a friend.
I had zero problem asking to my ex for sex though (when we were together of course).
Any advice on that since you have a lot more experience than me ?
The best example of this occurred over lunch with a friend of mine. She and I were talking about different sexual experiences we'd had. She mentioned she'd been in a threeway, and I was like "so were my spouse and I!" And then I talked about how my spouse and I really wanted to try a fourway with another couple sometime. My friend agreed that sounded like fun, so I told her that, if she and her boyfriend ever wanted to, my spouse and I would be interested in giving it a try.
She said she'd think about it. A few months later, she and her boyfriend were visiting us. Her boyfriend walked up to me and said he had a question to ask me. I said, "Okay, what is it?" And he kissed me. Once I caught my breath, all four of us sat down and talked about it. Later that night, we all shared a bottle of wine and then had our first four-way.
We haven't had any sex lately, but we're all still good friends. We hung out this past weekend and played some Maid RPG.
I've repeated the "casual discussion to test the waters, then polite offer" technique several more times, and it's worked twice again (leading to a threeway and a fiveway). Another three or four times, it has resulted with a polite "no" with the friendship unharmed. In one case a very regretful "I'd really like to, but my spouse isn't into that" refusal. It has never upset or alienated anyone. That's the key - discuss the idea first, and then make it a friendly, casual offer with absolutely no pressure. If there's interest, you're golden. If there's not, no one gets offended.
^^;; This is actually kinda embarrassing. You have a similar avatar to one of my female friends on this site, so I thought you were her when I posted this. Only now, peeking at your profile, did I realize you're someone entirely different. And, um, male. The "turn yourself on" advice was mostly relating to female anatomy. How it might relate to men, I have no idea.tricky-crazy said:
In my personal experience, the way to get a (straight or bi) guy "in the mood" is for me to get naked. I, personally, have never been involved with a guy who is turned on by romance the way you are, so that's kinda outside my field of experience.
As for "fake romance" ... I have no idea. That's a remarkably specific turn on, and one (as you note) that is likely to be misinterpreted.
The best I can do is tell you about one of my fantasies. I have a fantasy about having sex with someone I just met in a castle. That's a very romantic fantasy (I mean, a castle! happy sigh) but it doesn't involve a romantic relationship so much as a romantic setting. So I could "get in the mood" by pretending I am in a castle.
Is there something like that - a setting or scenerio - that you would associate with romance but someone else would not? Or that someone else wouldn't have to know about (like, I wouldn't have to say I was imagining being in a castle - that could just be in my head)?
Quaxar said:
Actually, from your second comment there, I take it you are asexual? I have an asexual friend who's currently in a romantic relationship. Her situation could be described as a "relationship without benefits" and she's quite happy with it.
Come to think of it, I gave her the friendly "if you're ever interested in a threeway" conversation (see my post above) a few years back (before she got with her current boyfriend). She laughed and declined, and that was that.
See, that's a dire circumstance. In that situation I would be there asap. Now, "Hey, I want to go to Taco Bell, give me a ride because you're my bf" is the shit I won't do. I've been there, done that, and I'm fucking tired of it.Vault101 said:
But whatever. Think what you want, I don't need to explain myself to you or anyone else on this forum.