Poll: How Will You Give Your Kids "The Talk?"

[TheTurtleMan]

I'll do it the way that nature intended. Lock them in a small room with a laptop connected to a porn site. Not only will it teach them more about sex then any other parent could, it will also rob them of all their innocence!

Edit:Ah ninja'd by the guy right before me

 

[LogicNProportion]

I was never given any talk when I figured it out at 12.

My dad then asked me one day in the car, "Hey. You get horny yet?"

I nodded, and he handed me a Playboy.

Becoming 'active', my mom finally realized I wasn't innocent and gave me a talk about kids and stuff. Though I blame my girlfriend at the time for telling my mom that she wanted lots of kids when she's older.

My current girlfriend; whom I intend to marry one day and have a family with, and I have talked about this for fun. We decided that after 10, if they ask, we'll tell the truth. She's planning in a career in medicine, and I'm a loudmouth, so we reached a consensus. XD

 

[Marik2]

Well I don't wanna have kids, but if I had one I would just do what my mom did and give my kid the talk when they're 6. My mom basically told me everything on that age and that made me more mature than any of my other classmates that learned about sex through porn.

 

[legion431]

Send them to a public school

 

[drisky]

I never got the talk, but i did have to sit through "the silver ring thing", and that was pretty bad.

As for what I'll do, hav'nt thought that far ahead, i can't say i'll know every thing about parenting teenagers at 21

 

[Burningsok]

ya see Junior, ya take this here thing and insert it into that thing... and then bomb!!.. ya got babies.

or i can just show them my stash of porn... what???

 

[stabnex]

For a son;

me: Son. Sex is AWESOME!

For a daughter;

me: I own a shotgun. No boyfriends until you're 30.

 

[Snotnarok]

Before we go any further:

This thread has been search bar approved!

Now, we all know what the "talk" is and most likely, we've all had our parents try to explain the birds and the bees to us and it all ends up sounding the same way

"When a man loves a woman, they get together and do a special...hug"

You know, bullshit like that, but I'm curious to know how the Escapist will teach their children about sex.

Personally, I found out on my own and my parents never told me a damn thing and I intend on doing the same with my child. (yes singular)

Don't fall into that crowd that says search bar approved! Be your own hero and ignore the people who say "this topic was done 6 months ago" because those are the same goons who say "Why did you Necro this topic? it's old!!!"

OT: Not having kids.

 

[The Austin]

YOU PUT YOUR FRONT SIDE IN, YOU PULL YOUR FRONT SIDE OUT, YOU PUT YOUR FRONT SIDE IN, AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT, YOU DO THE NASTY-NASTY, AND THEN YOU'LL UNDERSTAND, THAT'S......WHERE BABIES COME FROM!

And that's how I'll teach my kids.
By singing.

And by ruining a cherished childhood song.

 

[WJeff]

my child is going to be awesome. he will not be raised in the limited ways children are now. he can watch whatever he wants on television, nothing is out of bounds. he will be allowed to swear as often as he likes from the moment he becomes capable of speech. he will play violent videogames and be playing Counter Strike competitively before he goes off to school. And, he will not be given the talk. he will be given a laptop and he can figure it out for himself.

 

[Ocelano]

I'll show them the Sex Education Scene from monty python and the meaning of life.

Thank you I've been waiting for someone to use that, but then they may get the idea that football is involved somewhere, and you had better not let them make the assumptions about the reason for the number of their brethren if you happen to be a roman catholic.

 

[BakaSmurf]

If I have any kids, I'll just let them find out on their own, afterall, I found out on my own, and I'm only semi-dangerous to the average person.

 

[MONSTERheart]

You know what I would do? Be straight up.

Me: Son, we need to talk.
Hutch (because that's what I would name him): About what?
Me: About when a penis enters a woman's vagina.
Hutch: Uh... what?
Me: YOU SEE, WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT WHEN YOU SEE A PRETTY LADY BLOOD RUSHES TO YOUR GENITALS AND GIVES YOU AN ERECTION. THIS IS YOUR BODY SAYING "TAP DAT SHIT". SO THEN YOU LAY DOWN SOME SMOOTH LINES AND BRING HER TO YOUR APARTMENT.
Hutch: Dad... I'm 15...
Me: DON'T INTERRUPT ME, DAMMIT! *punches him*. NOW WHAT YOU DO IS TAKE YOUR DICK AND STICK IT UP THE LITTLE HOLE DOWN THERE. BUT NOT HER ASSHOLE, BECAUSE THAT IS REALLY TIGHT AND CAN CAUSE TEARING AND EASY STI'S.
Hutch: I had a sex ed class already...
Me: THEN YOU THRUST AND SOME SHIT HAPPENS AND A BABY COMES OUT A BIT LATER. UNLESS YOU WEAR A CONDOM, BUT THOSE ARE FOR PUSSIES THAT ACTUALLY STAY WITH THEIR WOMEN.
Hutch: Like you? Because you haven't abandoned me yet...
Me: GODDAMMIT I'VE HAD IT WITH YOUR LIMP-DICKED BULL SHIT. GET THE FUCK OUY OF MY HOUSE. *punches again*

2 weeks later I'm serving 5 years in prison.

 

[Tasachan]

I was taught through school... a little less embarrassing, I guess, since everyone got it at the same time and we were collectively embarrassed.

However, I'm going to strongly encourage my kids to save it (because I wish I had!!). I don't need them getting into trouble when they're in school. I don't care if everyone else is doing it - everyone else will be getting STDs and all that crap. Ugh.

 

[Blatherscythe]

Why bother with all the dicking around involved with the issue? It's a natural thing and they need to know. No real reason why not, they'll just learn in health class anyway. So I'd be straight-forward about the subject. No amount of puking or "OH GROSS" will deter me from this.

 

[Liam1390]

If I ever have kids it will be something like this-

Son: Thirty seconds in a truckstop bathroom on the way to Vegas.

Daughter: Whenever she brings a boyfriend over I'll be sharpening my knife set, and testing them in front of him.

 

[Mookie_Magnus]

I remember posting something about this a few months ago. Let me see if I can find it. It was REALLY good.

 

[HeartlessHero]

YOU'RE ADOPTED!
(Runs out of room)

LOL, this is just smart.

 

[Kogarian]

Put on an amateur porno.

 

[Mookie_Magnus]

I remember posting something about this a few months ago. Let me see if I can find it. It was REALLY good.

And here it is...

I'd give them various levels of the talk at different ages.

Age 5-7: Teach them about where babies come from, and the difference between the genders.
Age 7-10: Teach them about sex; what it is and its function.
Age 11-13: Teach them about sexuality and relationships.
Age 12-15: Teach them about responsibility, birth control, the consequences, and the finer details of everything else.

I'll answer any questions they ask openly and honestly. Hopefully it will help them be better adjusted as adults.