Poll: Looking for real advice not moral zealots

[Gyrefalcon]

Oh yeah.

Go ahead and jeopardize your marriage over a sexual experience that will most likely be awkward and embarrassing.

I would like to remind everyone that my girlfriend Did say she was cool with this, granted she doesn't know the other girl has such feelings. I think this really boils down to is our friend (the other girl) going to take this for more than it is.

NOTE*** I'm confident enough to believe this wont be either awkward or embarrassing. I don't know what self esteem issues you have, but I admire my prowess so to speak.

The advice above was very solid, not a 'moral zealot' line at all. And the last line where you feel you are "confident enough" and yet feel you have to belittle the person whom YOU asked for advice says this:

'I've already decided that I am doing this. I am just looking for others to agree with my decision now so I can feel better about what I really want to do anyway.'

I can read between the lines v-e-r-y well. And I'm sure the day itself will go quite well. Please let us know how things are 2 weeks later, 2 months later, and then 6 months later. It is lovely that YOU are able to handle it. But I can't imagine that your fiance won't soon be asking you if you liked the other woman better or how she rated/compared to the other woman. Many women, even though they think they can handle it, will slowly start eating themselves with doubt.

So since you are set on this, you had better make sure there is a LOT of discussion ahead and insure that if this is a one-time thing, that the other girl doesn't start calling. You may be in for a cat-fight of epic proportions later if you don't. Best of luck as you may need it.

 

[E_nchanted]

I have been with my Fiancee for 2 and a half years, our mutual friend is coming up to stay the weekend and visit, our friend was talking to me in private and made a "joke" about a threesome. Girlfriend found out and to my surprise said she would be cool with it. So this should all be good right? The Catch: this other girl has expressed to me a few times that she has legitimate romantic feelings for me, and I once actually told her I had them back but I wasn't going to leave my Fiancee. I'm scared this could also complicate things, that being said both girls are stunningly attractive, smart, fun etc, and I want to do this pretty bad. Is it worth the risk of the complications to have a wicked and memorable night?

EDIT*** Clear up some things

-Me and my fiancee are very open minded.
-This is not something She is doing just cause she thinks i'd like it, we have talked about the idea of a threesome for a while now
-Other girl (the friend) said that any feelings she may have for me are under control and would not let this become a problem. (she could just be saying that however)
-I am confident in my sexual abilities and truly don't feel this would be either awkward, or laughable.
-Any guy with a libido would want this to happen.

Well lets put it this way: (I wish no disregard, and its nothing personal. i dont mean to insult you, bla bla bla)

Have the threesome and risk your marriage. (Your an idiot)
Don't have the threesome. (Your an idiot)
Post this question on a website with mostly teens. (your an idiot)

so whatever you do you'll be an idiot

 

[geldonyetich]

Waaaaaay too complicated of a situation for a bunch of strangers on the Internet to provide the answer for you. I don't know you, I don't know your fiance, and I don't know this "friend."

Do it or not, it's up to you, but don't go whining to me if complications arise.

 

[bigorexia]

I'm not even going to bother to read this gigantic thread, instead I'll give advice on what little I skimmed.

With that in mind, I think you should think hard about this. Sleep on it for a few nights before deciding. Really talk with your girlfriend if this is the course you want to take your relationship on. There is nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality, I'd even say its healthy as long as you are going to wrap up.

At the same time, if theres any doubt you might find it wise to hold off. These types of things have a tendency to go badly if anyone involved thinks its something that it is not. I also feel the need to point out that everyone has feelings and while at first they might not be to serious jealousy is a serious concern. Thinking that nothing is going to happen because you guys are all for it now is a silly way to approach sex. Trust me, I have a bit of experience here man. Most people can't separate sex and attachment. Its a biological trait lol.

No matter what you decide I have to congratulate you on behalf of men everywhere. These things tend to be few and far between.

 

[roboosh]

I've watched enough jeremy Kyle to know it's a bad idea

 

[NoNameMcgee]

There's a big difference between accepting risks and "putting something above another thing." There's a big difference between realizing "there could be major consequences" and being "almost willing to accept the reprecussions."

I mean, every heterosexual, fertile couple that has intercourse--even if there isn't another woman involved--realizes the major consequence of pregnancy: does that mean everyone who has intercourse is almost willing to accept pregnancy? That everyone who has sex with a person they don't have an up to date sexual health history on is ready to accept the consequences of AIDS? That everyone who kisses someone else is ready to accept the consequences of herpes?

I can't really understand or see the relavance of what you're trying to say here. He understands this could have a major negative effect on his relationship, but is still considering going through with the idea. If you're in a serious relationship you don't intentionally take risks which are likely to compromise that, especially for something as ultimately meaningless as this. No metaphors are going to change the fact that he isn't taking his marriage seriously enough, and he is willing to risk 'losing' a loved one for a night of sexual desire.

 

[NoNameMcgee]

Yes, you do.

If you say so... Good luck with your love life with that mindset.

 

[Uncompetative]

I said what I said to the OP to mock him and his concept of marriage.

Exactly: who are you to mock anyone's concept of marriage?

It really makes no difference whether you are experimenting with the oxymoron that is an Open Marriage, or failing miserably at monogamy during your Engagement, it is still a religious ceremony with legal after effects.

Who are you to tell anyone what their religion is or is not?

Your math is flawed... it should be:

man + woman + God = marriage

man + woman + woman = threesome

Note: how God chooses not to be present in the second equation.

No, note how YOUR god chooses not to be present in the second equation. You have no right to tell anyone anything about their god.

Like I said:

There's nothing so intolerant as an atheist who wants to be a fundamentalist.

Sometime earlier I gave VitalSigns the following advice:

Go ahead with the sexual adventure you so desperately want permission to have, but don't get married. Your attitude renders it meaningless.

Now it seems evident that you have weighed in on his 'side' and have taken issue with me mocking his concept of marriage. So I will explain. I don't expect you to agree with my position, but perhaps you will better understand my motivation.

This thread is called Poll: Looking for real advice not moral zealots. Now I don't consider myself to be a fundamentalist, a moral zealot, a prude, or an intolerant individual. However, I must admit I was annoyed by the OP as I felt he didn't have the right to discuss Marriage in an artificially restricted way. I knew that the opinion I had to express on the matter transcended the essential question of whether it was a good idea to risk a 3-way with a hot girl that had feelings for him and possibly jeopardize their Engagement, if not their Marriage sometime later on (as this third-party continued to seek an intimate role in what was supposed to be a monogamous union). I couldn't understand why they were getting Married when they had a non-monogamous attitude during the Engagement.

"Time for a Reality Check", I thought.

He was smugly maintaining that no one was being cheated on. So I pointed out the Elephant in the room:

You are cheating on God

Interestingly, he said that he didn't believe in God. "Oh... so, he will basically be lying his way through his wedding vows", I thought. Then I read about him being confident about his prowess and how he would get over it if there was a break-up and a light-bulb went on in my head:

He is shallow.

Don't waste any more time on the arrogant prick.

However, I realized that I could even factor God out of his concept of marriage (with a small 'm') leaving only the essential concept of monogamy. Does this make me a fundamentalist for conceiving of marriage in this way? Do I not have the right to point out the incongruity in planning to spend the rest of your life 'forsaking all others' whilst openly planning to fool around during the Engagement.

So, I still feel that VitalSigns is ripe for ridicule:

Really, the OP should just quietly sit down with his girl and say:

"I think we should call off the Wedding given that we both want to fuck other people."

By the way, one thought occurred to me that I don't think anyone else has brought up, which is the possibility that VitalSigns Fiancee is conspiring with this other girl to test his fidelity and neither of them have any intention of going ahead with the act. So, the moment he gets them both in the bedroom they'll both say:

"Gotcha. You really aren't marriage material, are you?"

 

[Flying-Emu]

Do not listen to those telling you not to do it, they're just jealous. You have the oppurtiunity to bang 2 birds here and one is your consenting fiancee, you may never get this oppurtiunity again. No matter what happens you'll regret not doing it more.

You're a rather lonely fellow, aren't you?

Posts: 2290

But no, you're right.

Haha, nice one...

I was just playin' around though, bro.

 

[SmartIdiot]

-Other girl (the friend) said that any feelings she may have for me are under control and would not let this become a problem. (she could just be saying that however)

Yeah I'd watch out for that one.

-Any guy with a libido would want this to happen.

Indeed. You got a shot at something a lot of us will never have. Guess you gotta take your chances?

 

[NoNameMcgee]

you don't know it's "likely to compromise" anything. The possibility exists, but you have no reason to call the possibility "likely"

Sexual expression is not meaningless.

I just noticed this edit.

Like I said, I don't see anything wrong with threesomes, but in this case it's different because the other girl has romantic feelings for him. This does make it likely that it is going to complicate things and what I stated was the worst case scenario of that complication. Still not worth this kind of risk either way, and anyone who would take the chance of ruining their relationship for the sake of a threesome needs to rethink their priorities.

I agree that sexual expression is important, but in the shadow of a serious relationship and in this case a marriage it is ultimately meaningless when you look at the bigger picture.

You can have the luck--I don't need it. And my guess is you do.

Let's not resort to childish little slanging matches. I should have worded that last post better and I'm sorry if it seemed like a personal insult to you, I didn't mean it to be. It was more of a sarcastic remark, and to be honest I was heading out and didn't have chance to write a full reply. So please accept my apologies and lets just continue having a discussion instead of being bitchy.

 

[Uncompetative]

...we are engaged but not getting married till 2011.

What are you waiting for? Are you saving up for a big white wedding? Hey, if you can wait another year it won't matter as we all know that the world comes to an end in 2012.

 

[dontworryaboutit]

As for the risk I know its there and I do love her, but im not going to pretend i'd kill myself if I lost her.

But you see, by saying things like this, you're putting this threesome idea above your relationship. You have realised there could be major consequences but you're still considering doing it, which means that you are almost willing to accept the reprecussions. In a worst case scenario this could include breaking up with your future wife, but you know this, and you are still wondering whether you should do it or not? The answer is no. You shouldn't.

As much as I hate saying things like this, (I don't want to anger or make an enemy out of you at all), maybe you should reconsider how much your fiancee means to you and whether you really should be getting married to a woman you are almost willing to lose for a night of meaningless sex.

Everything this guy is saying is correct.

Actually, it's mostly incorrect.

There's a big difference between accepting risks and "putting something above another thing." There's a big difference between realizing "there could be major consequences" and being "almost willing to accept the reprecussions."

I mean, every heterosexual, fertile couple that has intercourse--even if there isn't another woman involved--realizes the major consequence of pregnancy: does that mean everyone who has intercourse is almost willing to accept pregnancy? That everyone who has sex with a person they don't have an up to date sexual health history on is ready to accept the consequences of AIDS? That everyone who kisses someone else is ready to accept the consequences of herpes?

(well, you know--the shame based ones as there's almost never any real consequences to herpes as it's less and std than a dermatological condition and just about everyone winds up with it anyway and it really shouldn't be treated as a big deal, but I think everyone gets the picture)

He says that HE wouldn't kill himself.

Tell me that he's able to vouch for the other two.