Poll: Online Dating - What's The Biggest Challenge/Obstacle/Problem?

[Johnny Novgorod]

In addition, online dating rather kills the "getting to know you" stage. Most sites will ask you to summarise your likes, dislikes, interests, describe yourself, sometimes even whether someone wants to get married, have kids, how many etc. This is great for fast-tracking your way past a number of potential pitfalls but also denies you all that small-talk, the gentle, harmless chit chat that helps build intimacy. This can result in getting into quite a serious relationship, relatively quickly, but based on a fairly shallow emotional attachment.

That's simply not true. We are so much more than opinions - what we like, what we dislike. To me profiles are like flavor text, to give you a general impression and some conversation starters. I didn't ask my GF out because, omg, you like David Bowie too. I asked her out because she looked beautiful and her grammar was in check. Everything else rolled out not entirely unlike other relationships I've had.

 

[Lightknight]

The problem for a lot of women using these dating sites is that a lot of men use them for a casual hookup rather than a long-term relationship.

It kinda derails the point of looking for true love, no?

 

[Ihateregistering1]

The problem for a lot of women using these dating sites is that a lot of men use them for a casual hookup rather than a long-term relationship.

It kinda derails the point of looking for true love, no?

That's true, but I think you're going to run into something like that pretty much anywhere: bars, parties, even just meeting people in everyday life. At least with a dating website, you know everyone is there for dating to some degree.

 

[MeatMachine]

And that's really why online dating is so much fun: you already know plenty about the person before you even begin talking. You KNOW they are single, you KNOW they are looking for someone, you KNOW if they have kids or not, you KNOW what they are interested in, etc. As for people lying: I've been on more online dates than I can count, and not once has it turned out the girl is married, or had a kid she didn't mention, or showed up and was 100 lbs more than her profile pictures, or it wasn't her at all and all the photos were her better looking cousin, or all the myriad of horror stories I'm sure you can find if you look hard enough.

You know, in my haste to forward all the frustrations that plague online dating, I didn't take time to really reflect on the good things unique to it. I actually had to edit my poll options shortly after posting this thread to include the 8th option, because I didn't initially consider that people would disagree with me to the extent that none of the other 7 options would accurately reflect their opinion.

You don't necessarily have to write out much, the guy I'm dating wrote one sentence. I wonder how much the message has anything to do with it actually? I mean I guess it could hurt if it's creepy or insensitive, but the profile was 9 times out of 10 the main reason why I responded.

Knowing the right balance between not saying enough and saying too much in an introductory message is anything but intuitive. Maybe the initiator puts all that stress upon himself over something that doesn't matter very much, but when you get 0 feedback from your attempts (feedback about how your message was interpreted, that is - not simply a success/fail litmus test as to whether or not you get a response), it can be hard to determine if they are simply not interested, or if your overall approach is entirely flawed. When you get no feedback and your results are, at best, dubious, improvement is stunted.

Sounds like both you and your boyfriend were fairly good at demonstrating your personalities as well as picking up on each others'. Ideally, most individuals would be this intuitive to begin with, but that seems to be remarkably uncommon for one reason or another. I've had some embers of success when this happens, but it seems to be the minority of the time that it even gets that far.

Maybe I'm just projecting my inadequacies here, but online dating seems to only work in the favor of those who already understand how to do it well... or, at the very least, those who have the insight to really grind through the fog of war that is personal improvement in this medium.

 

[Scars Unseen]

Maybe I'm just projecting my inadequacies here, but online dating seems to only work in the favor of those who already understand how to do it well... or, at the very least, those who have the insight to really grind through the fog of war that is personal improvement in this medium.

That's kind of true, but only insofar as it applies to any other method of meeting people. If you're bad at communicating or lack confidence in yourself, you're going to have a harder time of it than others no matter how you go about trying to meet people. But there are some advantages, mostly listed by Eclipse Dragon above, that set online dating apart from traditional methods of socializing.

In my case, online dating is almost the only realistic option I have. I live on an island where the vast majority of women I'm going to meet either don't speak the same language as me, are married, or are at least ten years younger than me.

 

[Jak2364]

I feel like the biggest problem I've come across is a self-perpetuating cycle of negativity, there's a lot of jerks out there, and meeting one of them makes you feel less inclined to give others a chance in the future. There's so many people I've met that didn't seem to put in any effort when it came to carrying on a conversation, and that in turn gradually affected my willingness to try when someone came along and started a conversation with me.

 

[MeatMachine]

Maybe I'm just projecting my inadequacies here, but online dating seems to only work in the favor of those who already understand how to do it well... or, at the very least, those who have the insight to really grind through the fog of war that is personal improvement in this medium.

That's kind of true, but only insofar as it applies to any other method of meeting people. If you're bad at communicating or lack confidence in yourself, you're going to have a harder time of it than others no matter how you go about trying to meet people.

You're right - if you suck at communicating in person, you probably suck at communicating online. When interacting with people, though, you can easily pick up on how things are going. Body language, tone, and dialogue will usually be an overt sign of how comfortable and invested the other person is, and you can change the way you behave in real time and quickly recognize what works and what doesn't. Even most people with bad social skills are able to pick up on these things and react to them, which gives them an opportunity to experiment, learn, and improve their lackluster ability.

When you send someone a message on a dating site, however, it's incredibly rare that you'll get any indication of how your behavior is received other than simple affirmation or unresponsiveness. The other person's reaction is left pretty much entirely to your imagination, and if there's one thing I've learned from watching people draw their own conclusions from total ambiguity, it's that those assumptions tend to be far worse than reality.

Still, this is almost entirely symptomatic of the naturally watered-down online communication as a whole, and not necessarily deliberate human behavior. So long as people try to keep in the back of their minds that words on a screen [or LACK of words on a screen, especially] are not perfect reflections of personal communication.

But there are some advantages, mostly listed by Eclipse Dragon above, that set online dating apart from traditional methods of socializing. In my case, online dating is almost the only realistic option I have. I live on an island where the vast majority of women I'm going to meet either don't speak the same language as me, are married, or are at least ten years younger than me.

This is absolutely true. People can congregate and be far more forward about what they want online. For some reason, being very direct and honest about your intentions and desires IN PERSON can very easily be intimidating because of reckless disregard for arbitrary customs. It doesn't make sense, but then again, real life isn't consistently logical.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Well, from what I've heard, messages from guys on dating websites tend to go from `hi` to `WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY DICK` in about a second, so that sounds very unpleasant.

Having dabbled in online dating as a man, there's a consistent theme that plagues many womens' profiles as well, most predominantly, very many of them take absolutely 0 initiative in ANY way. They post one picture, then only bother to fill out their "about me" section by simply asserting "ask me". They don't even forward basic information about who they are as a person and what makes them interesting and unique... then wonder why the only men who message them are guys who see their picture, think they're hot, and get creepy.

Though I met my boyfriend online, I've never done online-dating, and I kinda don't think that I would. I've always been friends first with the people I date, so it would be a little strange to go out looking for exclusively someone to date.

I agree - relationships that form naturally from real interaction usually feel much more engaging and fertile.

Personally I could not imagine ever getting to the point that I would consider online dating as I have never been without a date in my life, but what I can tell you from a female perspective about how these things are online is:

1) Women online or in person do not need more than their " appearance" for the initial interaction of the male approaching them. In person, a guy just sees you, knows nothing about you and approaches you. The same happens online, so there is no " need" for women to post more about themselves. Online isn't much different than that for the most part. Women have hundreds of men approaching them IN person, it is probably much worse online as it is.

2)Safety is much more of a concern for women than it is for men. It is dangerous to actually post more about yourself, and women are warned repeatedly to be very careful what information they put out there for their own safety. As if it turns into a stalker or abusive situation, they use every single tiny detail they can gain about you to use to lure and stalk you. For example, if a woman posts she lives to jet ski and the guy finds out the area she lives in, all he needs to do then is find the nearest lake and KNOW he can find her there. Women unfortunately are at much higher risk to be raped or even killed by an intimate partner or love interest. That one stalker that kept taping letters on my window on the backs of super hero posters followed me everywhere I went listing the stores I shopped at, the dresses I tried on, what I ordered on the menu at the restaurant I ate at, nothing is off limits from these types of guys. It really is terrifying to be on the receiving end of that.

3)Women often want to make sure the guy is actually their type and isn't just saying whatever he thinks she wants to hear. IF a woman puts too much information about herself out there upfront, she is unable to know if the guy is actually compatible or just telling her what she wants to hear. IF he doesn't know what she wants to hear, he isn't sure what to " make up" and is more likely to be more honest about what he actually likes instead. She gets to see more of " the real him" than just what he is putting on display to attract a mate, not much but more than she would if she actually gave him information first.

And no it Isn't " just men sending dick pics" that women receive, they receive all kinds, it is just those that are the most irritating. Women online receive MANY more responses than men do, so they have no need to put more out there up front. IF she is interested in a guy, she can discuss that later when they are getting to know one another, no point letting every guy talking to you know what you are about, only the ones you are considering.

 

[Foolery]

Having dabbled in online dating as a man, there's a consistent theme that plagues many womens' profiles as well, most predominantly, very many of them take absolutely 0 initiative in ANY way. They post one picture, then only bother to fill out their "about me" section by simply asserting "ask me".

Yeah. That is very prevalent where I live. Along with "LOOKING FOR AN HONEST GOOD HEARTED COWBOY/COUNTRY BOY". Sorry ladies, I'm not much into Western motifs. Or raising cattle.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Having dabbled in online dating as a man, there's a consistent theme that plagues many womens' profiles as well, most predominantly, very many of them take absolutely 0 initiative in ANY way. They post one picture, then only bother to fill out their "about me" section by simply asserting "ask me".

Yeah. That is very prevalent where I live. Along with "LOOKING FOR AN HONEST GOOD HEARTED COWBOY/COUNTRY BOY". Sorry ladies, I'm not much into Western motifs. Or raising cattle.

From looking at the numbers though women online do not have to worry about you not being their type as there are thousands of other men contacting them that claim to be even if they are not. LOL

Women get WAYY more responses than men do online.
For example:
"? The women as a group received over 20 times more messages than the men.

? The two most attractive women received 83% of all messages.

? The two most attractive women probably would have received several thousand more if their inboxes hadn?t have reached maximum capacity.

? It took 2 months, 13 days for the most popular woman?s inbox to fill up. At the current rate it would take the most popular man 2.3 years to fill up his."
http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/online-dating-tips-advice/is-online-dating-different-for-men-and-women/

 

[Foolery]

Having dabbled in online dating as a man, there's a consistent theme that plagues many womens' profiles as well, most predominantly, very many of them take absolutely 0 initiative in ANY way. They post one picture, then only bother to fill out their "about me" section by simply asserting "ask me".

Yeah. That is very prevalent where I live. Along with "LOOKING FOR AN HONEST GOOD HEARTED COWBOY/COUNTRY BOY". Sorry ladies, I'm not much into Western motifs. Or raising cattle.

From looking at the numbers though women online do not have to worry about you not being their type as there are thousands of other men contacting them that claim to be even if they are not. LOL

Women get WAYY more responses than men do online.
For example:
"? The women as a group received over 20 times more messages than the men.

? The two most attractive women received 83% of all messages.

? The two most attractive women probably would have received several thousand more if their inboxes hadn?t have reached maximum capacity.

? It took 2 months, 13 days for the most popular woman?s inbox to fill up. At the current rate it would take the most popular man 2.3 years to fill up his."
http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/online-dating-tips-advice/is-online-dating-different-for-men-and-women/

Oh, no doubt. The odds are indeed stacked against me. I have a very light-hearted approach to online dating, I'm happy to chat with people even if they aren't quite my type.

 

[Scars Unseen]

Having dabbled in online dating as a man, there's a consistent theme that plagues many womens' profiles as well, most predominantly, very many of them take absolutely 0 initiative in ANY way. They post one picture, then only bother to fill out their "about me" section by simply asserting "ask me".

Yeah. That is very prevalent where I live. Along with "LOOKING FOR AN HONEST GOOD HEARTED COWBOY/COUNTRY BOY". Sorry ladies, I'm not much into Western motifs. Or raising cattle.

From looking at the numbers though women online do not have to worry about you not being their type as there are thousands of other men contacting them that claim to be even if they are not. LOL

Women get WAYY more responses than men do online.
For example:
"? The women as a group received over 20 times more messages than the men.

? The two most attractive women received 83% of all messages.

? The two most attractive women probably would have received several thousand more if their inboxes hadn?t have reached maximum capacity.

? It took 2 months, 13 days for the most popular woman?s inbox to fill up. At the current rate it would take the most popular man 2.3 years to fill up his."
http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/online-dating-tips-advice/is-online-dating-different-for-men-and-women/

Oh, no doubt. The odds are indeed stacked against me. I have a very light-hearted approach to online dating, I'm happy to chat with people even if they aren't quite my type.

I'm similar, except that I don't really care that much what the result is at all. I make it pretty clear on my profile that I'm available, but not particularly lonely. I get messaged fairly often(considering the limited English speaking population of my location), but I usually ignore them after looking at their profile. I've only actually initiated a conversation once, and that was just an offhand comment about her profile.

 

[Vault101]

It's very very simple. Nobody that's on a dating website is worth dating.

that's...a pretty broad statement, not to mention out-dated

anyway

I've never tried online dating, but I have considered it, for the same gender though which is a WHOOOOOOLE other kettle of fish (and I don't think I'd want to set my profile to bi given all the BS that would attract)

from a female-hetero perspective it seems like a pain

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Online dating is fine. It's just a tool. If you struggle massively with regular dating, you'll continue to struggle massively with online dating, and the inverse is true as well.

 

[Ihateregistering1]

I want to be judgey about online dating, but the truth is that I have no experience with it. I don't know anyone who's even tried it, I've never tried it, and I've never even heard secondhand stories. It seems weird to me, but then so did powdered peanut butter until I tried it.

Powdered peanut butter? Heretic!!

But seriously, you just have to dive into it, I think it's a blast because it removes so much of the annoying guesswork from dating and gives you much more information to work with.

 

[THM]

Getting people to reply. That's the toughest part. I'm 'in contact' with something like 50 women on the site I use at any one time, but I pretty much have to nag most of them to make any kind of communication at all. Even after flat-out stating I'm not going to get offended by rejection, the amount of effort I have to go through to get most of them to reply at all is very frustrating. I now operate on a 2-week rule - if I haven't heard from you in two weeks, you get cut from the list.

That, and picture 'games'. By which I mean not putting up a picture, or only putting one up of a group and then not identifying which is the actual person. Or the only picture they put up is them with a 'friend' or ex-boyfriend.

Still, at least with a good site you're pretty sure the person you're talking to is serious about it. This does, of course, require that they make an effort too.

 

[Jack Action]

OP: I don't think it's as bad as you're making it out to be OP. I do think that it's particularly hard for heterosexual guys because there's just a lot more guys looking for girls than there are girls available.

Online dating also won't do much to help you if you're terrible at dating in general. I've had a few conversations with guys who just had no self esteem, they would ask questions like "Why did you respond to my message?", "Why are you still talking to me?" and putting themselves down left and right. While I did enjoy aspects of their personalities[footnote]Which is what led me to respond to their messages[/footnote], I couldn't get over the pessimism and I did eventually stop talking to them.

I've also encountered some aggressive profiles under the question "Message me if...." and the response was "You're female you don't bother to message guys so what's the point of putting anything here?"

Self-fulfilling prophecy, I would never message that guy.

-snip-

Okay, I'm dying to know: since they obviously see you as out of their league, why send the messages in the first place?

 

[Kevlar Eater]

The biggest and most obvious problem? Being male, unless he's a celebrity, incredibly attractive and/or are an athletic lawyer with a bigger bank account than common sense. And if he meets any of those prerequisites, why the hell is he on a dating website in the first place?

I've tried online dating; the effort was as futile as digging to China.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

snip

Okay, I'm dying to know: since they obviously see you as out of their league, why send the messages in the first place?

I have no idea. I didn't encounter anything in his profile I perceived as a deal breaker and he seemed nice enough. I just wanted to have a conversation about video games but with a higher chance of dating afterward. He was just so self defeating though, I even bluntly told him "look if I didn't want to talk to you, I wouldn't have answered, I'm sure you're not that bad." I even tried to give him a little pep talk but I guess some people just can't get over their self-loathing.

The biggest and most obvious problem? Being male, unless he's a celebrity, incredibly attractive and/or are an athletic lawyer with a bigger bank account than common sense. And if he meets any of those prerequisites, why the hell is he on a dating website in the first place?

Or he could be an average looking but responsible, confident individual with career prospects and a head on his shoulders looking for a like minded partner. It happens. Well adjusted people at least have a better chance of getting through the noise than Mr. Self-loathing I mentioned above.

 

[Jack Action]

I have no idea. I didn't encounter anything in his profile I perceived as a deal breaker and he seemed nice enough. I just wanted to have a conversation about video games but with a higher chance of dating afterward. He was just so self defeating though, I even bluntly told him "look if I didn't want to talk to you, I wouldn't have answered, I'm sure you're not that bad." I even tried to give him a little pep talk but I guess some people just can't get over their self-loathing.

I was very tempted to say that the blunt part was the wrong thing to say (not that there was any right thing to say, mind you), but this confuses and infuriates me. Asking you why you replied makes sense, you replying makes sense, but him sending the PM in the first place doesn't.

Unless he was trying to drag people into a pity party, which is just douche-y. You do that while drunk with drinking buddies, not random people on der internets.