Poll: Which Fictitious Foot Soldier Would it Suck to be the Most?

[DevTrek]

I realized that as doomed footsoldiers from Halo go marine in Master Chief's platoon is probably way worse than a grunt. Especially on legendary.

 

[The Austin]

A COG soldier. Because they are so stupid they don't realize that if they take off their helmets they become immortal badasses.

 

[titanium turtle]

How about the conscript in Red Alert 2? You are literally cannon fodder and only badass when you have twenty or so comrades behind you, you will die in waves and in horrible ways.

Seriously, I tend to lose count of how many conscripts I needlessly sacrifice when I play that game.

Shut up, listen to the propaganda, pick up your AK and die in the name of Mother Russia! (even though Iraq was much better)

in red alert 3 you cannot conscript whore- they all die too quickly

 

[TZer0]

Stormtroopers - I wouldn't know how to aim.

 

[titanium turtle]

Lol while everyone is right about how bad it sucks to be a Guardsman, no one has really managed to convey just how really effing bad they have it. So allow me to attempt to sum it all up in one post.

Now we all know that the average life expectancy for a regular Guardsman in the illustrious Imperial Guard is approximately 15 hours. But that just doesn't tell the whole story. The real joys are not only in what they have to fight, but their daily existence as a whole.

To start with almost every single Guardsman is in the Guard against his or her will. Be it mandatory drafts as part of their home planets Imperial Tithe, punishment for crimes they committed, or simply plain desperation due to a terrible lot in life, most of the Guard would prefer to be ANYTHING else, save maybe a servitor. They lose all "rights" as an Imperial citizen and therefore have no possible future life other than the Guard. They are in it for the long haul.

Next up comes training. This usually happens on the more hellish parts of the particular Guardsman's home planet, and anyone who knows their fluff can tell you there are MANY worlds out there whos best areas are worse than anything here on earth. Soooo after some hellish training that can and does result in deaths (either through the training itself or execusions of those unwilling to go any further), the unfortunate individual is inducted as a private into the ranks of the Immortal Emporer's Glorious Imperial Guard. To this end his is issued a set of gear that differs on most worlds but commonly includes such items as Flak Armor, a Helmet, and the ubiquitous Lasgun (or Flashlight). This gear is sufficient enough to keep the lucky individual alive when not fighting (most of the time) and allows him to have a percentage chance of scoring at least 1 kill before his horrible death (though some very lucky few can escape from a battle victorious with naught but the lightest of armourments). If the Guardsman is one of the very very lucky and skilled few, he might even earn the honor of being promoted and gaining better gear. Half the time this gear only increases his chance of death due to the fact that his own weapon is likely to kill him (see any plasma weapons). He might even be granted the right to wear armor as advanced as Carapace armor which actually has a slight chance of stopping a single bolter round! (though heavy bolters are still very out of the question). But with rank comes even more danger. The Guardsman who makes sergeant is expected to lead his squad from the front, and keep discipline in the squad. Failure to preform any of these duties to the best of his ability has a very strong chance of seeing him executed by the friendly neighborhood Regimental Commisar via bolt pistol round to the head. So generally, the higher one rises in the ranks, the more likely they are to die.

Also this might be a good place to mention the regulations and punishments of the Imperial Guard. I will start just by listing the offenses punishable by death by shooting: Disrespecting an Officer, Failure to Salute and Officer, Striking an Officer, Failure to Carry Out an Order, Disobeying an Order, Ill-Treatment of Neglect of Accoutrements, Disrespectful Speach Towards the Emporer (flogged then shot), Mutiny, Intoxicated on Duty (flogged then shot), Sleeping on Sentry Duty, Leaving Sentry Duty Without Leave, Cowardice, Inflicting Self Harm (flogged, flayed alive, then shot), Compelling a Surrender, Crimes During Insurrection, Crimes of Fraud Against the Imperium, Desertion. There are many other crimes punishable by such punishments as: Death by Hanging, Being Sent to a Penal Legion, Death by Starvation, and Being Mind Scrubbed and Turned Into a Servitor. Needless to say, NEVER EVER DO ANYTHING WRONG.... EVER.

Now, on to vehicles. Everyone knows the Imperial Guard quite simply has a hard-on for tanks. They field litterally a mind boggling number tanks, of many many different types. The problem is every single one of these tanks is designed along a thought process very similar to American tanks in World War 2. Simply put, field so many that no matter how many you lose, you have enough to win the battle. You lost 90% of your tank core in a battle versus a much smaller force? Huzzah! Another glorious victory for the Imperium! We will have all 900 tanks lost replaced by next tuesday. Being in one of these machines is simply not good. Their armor is light and their weapons strong. All offense, no defense. Which means when one of these babies is hit by an enemy weapon, there is a staggering number of horrible ways to die. Battle Cannon rounds detonating, Heavy Bolter shells cooking off INSIDE the hull, promethium vats going up in flames, Lascannon generators overheating, and Emporer help you if an Earthshaker round goes off anywhere other than FAAAR downrange. In short, their vehicles are NOT a place you ever want to be (although being on foot is probably not any safer).

Moving on we have all of the fun of simply getting to the battle in the first place! So your being deployed to a planet approximately 4 weeks warp travel from here? Cool! Seeing you in 1000 years. Maybe. Or maybe tomorrow. Or maybe never. Your Gellar field could very well fail and all of a sudden the warp is no longer outside your little bubble. I hope you have time to get your pistol to your head and pull the trigger if that happens. Simply put, Warp Travel SUCKS! It sucks for Space Marines so lets multiply that by 100 for your average Guardsman. And lets not forget the dangers of enemy ships. Enormous shipborn Lance weapons tearing your transport into pieces. Fun fun for you!

And finally we can look at the enemies these lucky men and women get to fight. Starting off we will look at the forces usually allied to the Imperial Guard. The Adeptus Astartes, the Space Marines. These enormous, genetically altered, power armor wearing killing machines are death incarnate for a Guardsman. Not only can their basic armor stop anything short of a tank-killing weapon, but their standard issue weapon is an enormous rifle that fires a .75 caliber mass-reactive, armor-piercing shell that contains its own miniature grenade that explodes inside the target after the bullet portion has lodged itself in the enemy. This is the basic Bolt round. Makes your Lasgun look like it was made to toast bread. Even if their armor is pierced they can simply ignore many wounds that would have each killed a normal man. And these are their basic infantry. Mention of things such as the collossal form of the Dreadnought walker, Land Raider battle-tank and Tactical Dreadnought Armor (or Terminator Armor) is enough to make any Guardsman who finds himself facing these foes soiling himself.

A more and more common foe for the Guard to fight is the Tyranid Swarm. Honestly every single Guardsman fighting a Hive Fleet will die, in a very very very terrible way. A bolter shell to the head is mercifully swift compared to these beasts. Not only are they covered in all sorts of claws, teeth, talons, and other ripping horrors, but their weapon symbiotes are just horrific. The Barbed Strangler fires thorned vines that entangle enemys and then slash and strangle them to death. The Flesh Borers fire acidic flesh eating worms that eat through armor and then feast on the victims internal organs. Devourers fire swarms of razor sharp burrowing insects that upon contact simply start burrowing through their prey until they go out the other side. Zoanthropes use their minds to open holes in the warp and create blasts of raw warp energy that vaporizes anything caught in it. Carnifex tear infantry and tanks to shreds like they were paper. And to add to all the fun, there are probably many more Tyranids in the fight than there are Guardsman, so they dont even have the advantage of numbers.

I would go on to talk about the terrible torture of the Dark Eldar, the insanely deadly weapons of the Eldar (whos basic guns shoots monofilament shurikens into you), the overwhelming brutality of the Orks, the sheer invincibility of the Necrons, the ungodly horrors of the Chaos Space Marines (all the fun of Space Marines plus daemons, YAY!) but I think everyone gets the idea.

In summation, if you are ever drafted into the Imperial Guard, just put the pistol to your head and get it over with. I garuntee its probably a much less painful and easier death than your likely to get.

P.S. I didnt mention Tau because quite frankly, even a Guardsman can laugh at tau lol.[/quote
except they have the best guns

 

[Iron Mal]

How about the conscript in Red Alert 2? You are literally cannon fodder and only badass when you have twenty or so comrades behind you, you will die in waves and in horrible ways.

Seriously, I tend to lose count of how many conscripts I needlessly sacrifice when I play that game.

Shut up, listen to the propaganda, pick up your AK and die in the name of Mother Russia! (even though Iraq was much better)

in red alert 3 you cannot conscript whore- they all die too quickly

In all fairness, that is their job (Red shirts/Red Army? Am I the only one who see's a connection here?)

 

[twostripe]

my vote goes to the colonial marines
not because they really are meant to be fodder but because they fight such tough enemies that anyone would be fodder fighting them

 

[twostripe]

A COG soldier. Because they are so stupid they don't realize that if they take off their helmets they become immortal badasses.

sooo true, wonder if that works for stormtroopers

 

[Haunted Serenity]

I would say storm trooper because i just read death trooper.

Was it any good? I've wanted to read it.

OT:I choose starship troopers. the federation didn't seem like a nice place to live and your'e fighting bugs that throw asteriods at your planets and ships.

That and the places they fight over suck.

 

[A Raging Emo]

Starship trooper. Hands down.

They probably die in the most amusi- ... The most horrible ways, anyway.

 

[Neurowaste]

Colonial Marine, they or their command never seems to learn from past xenomorph attacks so they constantly get fucked, they have to operate in close quarters with enemies that are extremely vicious, deadly and unpredictable that could be anywhere and when they do die it's by getting throat-raped and then having an alien burst from their chest in a painful gory mess, need i say more?

 

[Escapefromwhatever]

I am surprised at the lack of redshirts from Star Trek on this poll.

 

[RamzaHyral]

Forget that, I'd hate to be a Shinra soldier. Not from SOLDIER, just those poor blue bastards. They got it rough...

 

[Icecoldcynic]

A halo grunt. Every other footsoldier seems to only be in danger when faced with major plot characters, and yet the grunts get stomped on by literally everything, even their own commanders.

 

[Jark212]

Oh come on. You just have to love Imperial Guard for their amazing tactical prowess. How can a plan ever get any better than.

If enemies are attacking, throw wave after wave of men at them. If at the end of it all the enemies are dead and you have even 2 1/2 men left alive then it is a total win.
If all your men are dead and there are still some enemies left, then you just either call for more or you know, call in titans, Adeptus Astartes, a Exterminatus or any of a half dozen things you really should have done right off the bat.

That is pure tactical win!

A brilliant plan I must say...

Spoiler

 

[Zacky]

poor guardsmen

 

[CptPanda29]

I'm gonna go with guard, I never played the warhammer series but I know its an rts, and when asked how to clear a minefield I say "Men."

That said I'd hate to be the wire guy from "Enemy at the gates", the first thing I said when watching it at a friends was "This class f*cking sucks..."

 

[timmytom1]

To be Private Jenkins.

For those who know who he is, I give you a cookie.

For being the only elite soldier in the game to have his shields fail on him? my dying thoughs would be "...well that sucked"

 

[KaiRai]

Imperial guardsmen. They are just the epitome of shit.

 

[Shoggoth2588]

This was a really challenging poll o.o

You've forgotten the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles foot-ninja and, the neo-vipers of Cobra [not to mention the random 'criminals' Batman regularly slaps around] but still: they would have made the poll harder still.

I ended up choosing the Imperial Stormtrooper. I chose the Stormtrooper because they are what I know best: [warning: I am about to geek all over the place]

Stormtroopers were all once Clone Troopers who are all the same [genetically] as Jango Fett. Many of them are likely clones-of-clones thus, the genetic material could very well have begun degrading. Since they are all cloned and are therefore dispensable, one can only assume that they are either not payed at all or, paid very little. At a seconds notice, a Stormtroopers are used to police the entire known Galactic Empire which spans hundreds of planets and moons, many of them being remote. Death would be extremely common. Aside from natural forces posing a threat, there is also the rebel alliance to contend with.

Now: Rebels, Wookies, Hutts and, Ewoks aside, there are still other dangers associated with being an Imperial Stormtrooper. The Galactic Empire. Secret Apprentices, Vader, Sidious, Dooku [Tyrinous], Grievous ... The list of potential Stormtrooper killers is about as long as those paragraphs floating around the Tattooine system