Poll: Would you date an asexual person?

[trooper6]

It's also kind of a selfish hurdle on the part of the asexual person. "Well I'm asexual and we're in a relationship, so that means you have to be asexual too. Deal with it." ...C'mon. Seems pretty unfair.

It's also kind of a selfish hurdle on the part of the sexual person. "Well I'm sexual and we're in a relationship, so that means you have to be sexual too. Deal with it." ...C'mon. Seems pretty unfair.

Or are you saying that it's selfish to not want to do something you have disinterest in (or an aversion to), but totally okay to want to force such a person to do it because you do have an interest in it?

-Snip-

you completely misunderstand, no one thinks that. it's just that it's not about just sexing up your partner and being done with it, it is about engaging in the biggest possible act of intimacy and romance together. sure you can have sex with some one like that, and it can be fun. but it's not the same knowing that you're doing it with someone nonsexual.

I think you also misunderstand.
That edit was not aimed at you, it is aimed at the droves of people, both on this site and off, online and off, who do incorrectly assume that asexuals/nonsexuals are unable to have sex for some reason.
We're not interested, not celibate.
Sure, some may be, but the same can be said of any other sexuality.
And you have a nice opinion, but sadly, unless you can get into the head of everyone who has sex, it is wrong.
It could be said that if I were to have sex with someone, it would be more intimate/special, as I was not motivated to do so through sexual attractions, but purely from the love I have for the other person.

These two conversation snippets are why I wouldn't date an asexual person, and why an asexual person shouldn't date me.

For me, sexual desire is an integral part of romantic and spiritual desire in a relationship--not even the sex act itself, but sexual desire. I am going to want to have expressions of sexual/intimate desire with the person I'm in a romantic relationship with. It is important for me.

Forcing someone to have sex who doesn't want to is not selfish, it is rape.
Guilt tripping someone into consenting to having sex with me who is not interested or bored by it may not be rape, but it is too close for me to feel comfortable. I will get nothing from that. I don't want to have sex with someone who has no sexual desire for me. I get nothing from having sex with someone who is bored and uninterested in the proceedings.

Sex is not about me getting off. It isn't purely a physical thing or a stress reliever. However, in my romantic relationships, I do want to have sex--as external manifestation of internal depth of passion. This might manifest in me giving my partner oral sex and pleasuring them, expressing my deepest sexual-romantic-intimate desires for them, and experiencing the transcendent joy of being able to give them pleasure. Now, I don't orgasm from giving my partner oral sex. Which is totally cool--me having an orgasm isn't the only point of having sex for me. Not 100% of the time. I could not be in a relationship with someone where I could never worship their physical manifestation of their being in a sexual way because they are bored and receiving nothing from what it is going on. It is important for me to be able to give my love to my partner in multiple ways. And I do want my partner to have physical desire for me as well.

Reciprocity is important to me.

Therefore, it is not fair to the asexual person or to me for us to get into a relationship together.
The asexual person deserves to date someone who is compatible with their sexual drives, just as I am.

 

[ReservoirAngel]

]I need hugs. :/

Without them, I asplode.

Yeah I'm the same with sex. If I don't get my regular fill (no pun intended) I don't know what would happen...something bad, I assume.

Which is why hands are there when someone isn't.

Solo hugging.

"solo hugging" as you call it is all well, good and enjoyable. but still...sex is better by a large margin.

 

[ZeroMachine]

No.

I like sex.

... Really, that's all there is too it. I know for a fact that I wouldn't have felt as connected with my last girlfriend if we didn't have sex. It was a part of who we were.

 

[Leg End]

I need hugs. :/

Without them, I asplode.

Quick nobody hug him.

<.<

To be precise, I need hugs from Sakura.

If I don't get hugs or am not within her presence for a prolonged period of time, I explode and implode, then acting as a black hole. :/

Or, this planet is engulfed in a dark, gloomy state, raining. With Void Walkers taking over.

So, for the sake of humanity, it is best I get mah hugs or am at least within 5-25 feet of her.

<.<

Do not deprive me mortals, of whom I love.

You?re a weird little bastard aren?t you?

<.<

I'm going to pretend that is a compliment.

Thank joo.

]I need hugs. :/

Without them, I asplode.

Yeah I'm the same with sex. If I don't get my regular fill (no pun intended) I don't know what would happen...something bad, I assume.

Which is why hands are there when someone isn't.

Solo hugging.

"solo hugging" as you call it is all well, good and enjoyable. but still...sex is better by a large margin.

If you say so. :/

 

[trooper6]

I'm nonsexual, not a stone.
I'm not missing out on anything except, you know, sexuality. Sexual attraction, interest, etc. My nerves don't suddenly cut off below the waist, I can still feel stuff, it is just boring to me.
I don't need to have a sex drive to have a close and loving relationship with my boyfriend, which I do have.
It could be said that the love we have is truer/purer than a relationship between two sexual people. Sex doesn't play an important role.
Perhaps I should feel sorry for others >.>

I dated a stone once. It really wasn't very much fun. She never moved at all during sex so it was like having a dead weight on my chest and trying to make love to it.

I would suggest, if he does ask you for sex, just kind of go through the motions, even if you're not enjoying it. If he's like most guys, he'll appreciate the effort.

If you want to feel sorry for me though, feel free.

As a counterpoint, I'm a guy and I do not ever want to have sex with someone who doesn't actually want to have sex with me. That makes me feel like a date rapist. So, I say, don't "go through the motions"--rather have an honest conversation about what's up so everybody can be on the same page. Communication is important.

If I ever starting having sex with someone who didn't move, I'd stop immediately. Because that doesn't feel like consent to me.

OT: On a side note, when I hear the word "stone" in a sexual sense, I think of someone who is inflexible in their sexual role. Stone Butches who only please their partners and don't want to be touched sexually in return (and who get off on this), Stone Femmes who only want to receive pleasure from their partners and who don't want to touch their partners sexually in return.

 

[Leg End]

I need hugs. :/

Without them, I asplode.

Quick nobody hug him.

<.<

To be precise, I need hugs from Sakura.

If I don't get hugs or am not within her presence for a prolonged period of time, I explode and implode, then acting as a black hole. :/

Or, this planet is engulfed in a dark, gloomy state, raining. With Void Walkers taking over.

So, for the sake of humanity, it is best I get mah hugs or am at least within 5-25 feet of her.

<.<

Do not deprive me mortals, of whom I love.

You?re a weird little bastard aren?t you?

<.<

I'm going to pretend that is a compliment.

Thank joo. /

Pretend all you want that doesn?t make it true.

Maybe I like being a weird little bastard.


OT: In a fucking heartbeat. Sooner actually.

 

[Kathinka]

most people claiming to be asexual have no clue anyway, sorry if that sounds offensive. i guess most are just not getting any / have an unstatisfactory sexlive and for that engage in this protective excuse. "i don't have sex, but, but...i don't even WANT your stupid sex, hah!"
that or they try to pretend to be superior by showing that they are not slave to their drives and instincts so to speak.
sorry if this sounds harsh but no way there is that many realy asexuals here.

as for the thread: no, i wouldn't. sex is one of the most important parts of an romantic relatonship and, let's face it, way to much fun.

Sounds offensive? It IS offensive, what makes you so sure about your sexuality? Do you have to have sex with a bear before you know you're not attracted to them? Do you have to put a dirty sock in your mouth before you know it isn't tasty? Same thing goes here, it is something intuitive to the person, only they themselves will know for sure.

And who here has been pretending or stating that they're superior? There are around a dozen or so asexuals that have posted here (out of how many people on the forum?); obviously in a thread about asexuality, a thread that relates to them, they're going to show up and chat. We're the same as anyone else, we're human, we simply aren't sexually attracted to other people. There are asexuals with little to no libido, and there are asexuals who have a high libido that masturbate. The main difference between us and any other orientation is that it is not directed towards anyone in general, that's all. People are not defined by the labels they give themselves, nor do labels define a person, they describe a trait, or an aspect, not the whole.

you clearly did not read carefull enough, i did not say that asexual people had no clue, i said many people CLAIMING to be asexual don't. as verlander wrote:

Whenever a subject like asexuality or similar is raised, you then can't help but be a sceptic when so many people put their hands up and say they are. All you think about is many of the members being fairly young and in a lifestyle that potentially secludes them, and you come to the conclusion that they may only identify with the concept of asexuality, yet aren't actually/don't have the experience to decide.

a large portion of self declared asexuals are not by a longshot experienced enough to make that observation, seek only attention, are butthurt that they are not getting any and therefore declare that they don't really want to anyway, wan't to be oh-so-non comformist, and other things like that.

 

[ReservoirAngel]

]I need hugs. :/

Without them, I asplode.

Yeah I'm the same with sex. If I don't get my regular fill (no pun intended) I don't know what would happen...something bad, I assume.

Which is why hands are there when someone isn't.

Solo hugging.

"solo hugging" as you call it is all well, good and enjoyable. but still...sex is better by a large margin.

If you say so. :/

I do say so. Because I know so.

 

[Leg End]

]I need hugs. :/

Without them, I asplode.

Yeah I'm the same with sex. If I don't get my regular fill (no pun intended) I don't know what would happen...something bad, I assume.

Which is why hands are there when someone isn't.

Solo hugging.

"solo hugging" as you call it is all well, good and enjoyable. but still...sex is better by a large margin.

If you say so. :/

I do say so. Because I know so.

I know so too.

 

[kurupt87]

Isn't an asexual person simply one without a sex drive, where indifference is the key adjective? Surely they could have sex with a partner if asked? They're not antisexual afterall, where one would assume an active dislike of sex.

 

[Valksy]

No.

I don't consider spending time with someone I can never have a full relationship with to be a "date". I would consider that hanging out with a friend. I never have and never will dated someone for the sake of it.

I consider sex to be a normal part of life and personally feel that it is a natural, desirable and fun method of expressing the most profound expression of self with someone.

So unless they were in to polyamory, then no, I wouldn't give up sex for anyone.

 

[GeorgW]

An asexual person can still have sex, and would probably if their partner wasn't asexual. But if not, then no. She should be able to make the sacrifice, and if she can't then that's just not cool.

 

[ReservoirAngel]

]I need hugs. :/

Without them, I asplode.

Yeah I'm the same with sex. If I don't get my regular fill (no pun intended) I don't know what would happen...something bad, I assume.

Which is why hands are there when someone isn't.

Solo hugging.

"solo hugging" as you call it is all well, good and enjoyable. but still...sex is better by a large margin.

If you say so. :/

I do say so. Because I know so.

I know so too.

...you desperately need to get laid...

 

[Leg End]

]I need hugs. :/

Without them, I asplode.

Yeah I'm the same with sex. If I don't get my regular fill (no pun intended) I don't know what would happen...something bad, I assume.

Which is why hands are there when someone isn't.

Solo hugging.

"solo hugging" as you call it is all well, good and enjoyable. but still...sex is better by a large margin.

If you say so. :/

I do say so. Because I know so.

I know so too.

...you desperately need to get laid...

Nope.

And I couldn't even if I wanted to. But, that is for different reasons.

 

[Hap2]

Dear friend, perhaps you should try to take this discussion less personally, despite the topic being so close to you. Asexuality is a extremely recent discovery in sexuality, and being so, cannot demand such understanding. Most of the people keeping up with this thread (myself included) are doing so out of sheer curiosity in understanding in a greater depth what asexuality means, and how does it compare to simply an undeveloped sexual drive (such as in most childs). This is not as if trying to understand someone's choices, or preferences. This is like trying to learn a extraterrestrial language.

There are no such things as discoveries in sexuality. I have to agree with Foucault on this, 'sexuality' was not discovered as much as it was created. Aspects of human beings were pulled out of certain people, made into a whole, then projected upon those people as a trait that defines them. It's simply recognizing and defining these particular aspects into people. I can fully understand what it is like for some to be unable to understand what it is to not be sexually attracted to some, (as the opposite is often true for us asexuals), but it does not excuse some of the responses stating that asexuality does not exist as an orientation nor those who state we are simply 'asexual' because we "want attention". It's rude, and very offensive for someone to deny your existence instead of being open to the idea as some have done here.

The most important thing to debate here is on the question that initially began the discussion. If both people involved in the relationship are asexual, then there's not really any conflict in this. Most people are open minded enough to consider a couple that does not have sex, if they both don't want to. But in this case the great question is whether a person with a average sex drive would forfeit their own sex drive to maintain a platonic relationship with someone else. And to most people that's just impossible. In this point you are the one that should be more understanding.

No disagreements here, but not everyone has been as open as you have unfortunately.

To a ordinary heterosexual that which you described is nothing more that a regular friendship. I know that to you they are worlds apart, but that's because you have a very different standard to create that concept. It's the same way as eskimos have several names for snow and desert people, several names for sand, and most other people simply see these things as one dimensional concepts.

Friendship to you perhaps, but some of us take our romantic relationships very seriously. Just because we do not want to have sex with the person, does not mean we cannot have a deep emotional bonding to them beyond that of simple friendship.

The great discussion is if a couple that consists of a person with a regular sex drive and another with almost-to none could last. But, the greatest question in my mind is how a asexual person gets to become attracted to another. Is this person more interested in other asexuals or would she be interested in people with a different sex drive? Does this matter to them? If the person have a different sex drive, would they be expected to keep it under check at all times? And if so, would the asexual person feel no remorse for this situation? If I were to have sex with a person unwilling to do it, I would feel terrible. As if I just had abused her sexually. Does a asexual have a similar remorse, if he feels that his significant other wishes for sexual intercourse and is denied of that?

Some do, some don't, you'd have to ask couples who are in such a relationship. I myself became romantically attracted to a friend, and I can tell you it really hurt when it had to be broke off, heartbreak can be nasty, but when I was in love it was like no other feeling I had ever felt, or have ever felt since. No one can really say how or why a person exactly becomes attracted to another, it just happens. Some find another person aesthetically attractive (like a beautiful artwork for analogy's sake), and some others develop relationships out of friendships, like myself. I couldn't list all the ways we all end up with certain people, it's just too complex.

To be honest, in a sexual/asexual relationship, both sides are going to have to make sacrifices. It can be hurtful to push sex on an asexual that does not want it (some I know would say it'd be equivalent to rape), and it can be hurtful to deny sex from a sexual. The relationship would no doubt be difficult to manage, but not impossible. I can't say much for sure since I'm not in said relationship.

I think that this is a very complex subject, but I'm glad to see it being discussed of all places in The Escapist, given the high education and politeness of all members. And so far I think that the whole debate has all parts being very understanding of one another (as much as it is possible). As I said in the beggining, do try no to take the discussion so personally.

It is indeed a complex subject, but we are not objects to be studied and analyzed, the matter is intuitive to many as an important part of their being. We are a minority here, and we are going to be vocal if we feel we aren't being represented accurately, so forgive me if I ask you to understand when we are talking about it on a personal level.

 

[Riobux]

Probably would to be fair. As long they loved me and I loved them back.

 

[ReservoirAngel]

Nope.

And I couldn't even if I wanted to. But, that is for different reasons.

You could. Sex is surprisingly easy.

 

[Declaro]

Only if I could sleep with other people. If they couldn't deal with that then no.

 

[trooper6]

Friendship to you perhaps, but some of us take our romantic relationships very seriously. Just because we do not want to have sex with the person, does not mean we cannot have a deep emotional bonding to them beyond that of simple friendship.

I, on the other hand, take my friendships very seriously as well. The phrase "simple friendship" does a disservice to friendships. Those who are my closest friends are as important to me as anyone else in my life. They are as important to me as my parents, my sister, my nephews. If you are a deep close friend of mine, that is for life. And you have my loyalty, my love, and deep emotional bonding.

My friends are not "less than" than my romantic relationships. Being my friend is not second place. Being my friend is a great honor. It isn't just some random acquaintanceship. It is a valued and important relationship for me.

So that asexual person who can be my friend...well, if they earn my friendship. That is a special and wonderful thing that not everyone gets to have.