Purps Does 'Couver
- Thread starter PurpleRain
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Take a crap load of money, and rent a car, buy a recorder, and...well have you read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?
As your moral support for this trip, i have a few suggestions, nay demands for you to undertake during your journey. Any of the 'truths' you are to tell these people are ones i guarantee to work if you can keep a straight face. Never am i gladder i did drama all those years ago. America is fun.
1) Tell them Australia is ruled by the queen. They will believe this shit, if they ask about Rudd tell them he is the governor general and enacts the queens wishes. I know we technically are still ruled by the queen, but blow it up so it's as if she dictates everything we do. (For bonus points, tell them that's why our crops are dying, she lives in england and has never experienced drought or believes it exists. This works)
2) Insist that Ayes Rock is nowhere near as big as the picture and hollow in the centre.
3) You middle name is Dundee. No exceptions.
4) Steve irwin has a national tomb outside of parliament.
5) Crocodiles enter sydney suburbs to get at the watered lawns because of the drought. Dozens are already dead.
6) Insist on looking up whenever a bird calls and duck wildly, citing that you are terrified of kookaburras since one of them ripped off your uncles ear. True fact, happens all the time mate.
7) The Joker is australian. lead into this by telling them about things we actually did invent, like felix the cat, ug boots and the victa lawnmower.
8) Their suburb is bigger than the whole of sydney. You have never seen buildings that tall in your life.
9) Constantly reference how disturbing you find the fact that their landscape is not completely flat. Mountains are like something from a dream.
10) Constantly dare your companions in to who can better fight any example of wildlife you encounter, or bet them you can catch/kill it with your bare hands. Evaluate large passers by and ask if they want to help you hog-tie him.
11) Pretend that Ultrajoe is the nickname of the leader of one of the Australian political parties, but not labour or liberal, they're all tossers.
11b) Ultratask 2: Get a picture of an attractive Canadian lass holding up a sign saying 'I love The Ultra Joe'. If nothing else, this must occur. Bonus points if you can get it written on her torso. I have no regrets and feel no shame.
12) Tell them that master chief was based on Ned Kelly, and in Halo 1 the elites voices are backwards australian verses from a waltzing matilda, which is about Ned Kelly.
13) Sigh when holding knives and pretend to not notice them looking when you use your fingers to measure them, and then add several imaginary inches to the blade.
14) Convince at least 3 of them to eat half-centimeter thick vegemite toast. If any say they liked it, double points.
More to come.
EDIT: More have come.
15) pretend you have never heard any of the songs they play on the radio, or they make you listen to on the Ipod.
16) Whenever one of them does say 'eh' (if, indeed, at all), you must finish your next two sentences with 'mate'.
17) Laugh raucously at all the ads on their TV. It's payback time, bitches.
18) If one of them wakes you up, grab their neck before letting go and saying 'Careful mate, don't sneak up on me like that' with your eyes as wide as possible.
19) Attempt 11b again if you have not already succeeded.
20) Convince them you have met Hugh Jackman or that you are related to an australian celebrity. Tell them they are assholes in real life, everyone wants to believe this about celebrities.
If people want more, i can provide more.
1) Tell them Australia is ruled by the queen. They will believe this shit, if they ask about Rudd tell them he is the governor general and enacts the queens wishes. I know we technically are still ruled by the queen, but blow it up so it's as if she dictates everything we do. (For bonus points, tell them that's why our crops are dying, she lives in england and has never experienced drought or believes it exists. This works)
2) Insist that Ayes Rock is nowhere near as big as the picture and hollow in the centre.
3) You middle name is Dundee. No exceptions.
4) Steve irwin has a national tomb outside of parliament.
5) Crocodiles enter sydney suburbs to get at the watered lawns because of the drought. Dozens are already dead.
6) Insist on looking up whenever a bird calls and duck wildly, citing that you are terrified of kookaburras since one of them ripped off your uncles ear. True fact, happens all the time mate.
7) The Joker is australian. lead into this by telling them about things we actually did invent, like felix the cat, ug boots and the victa lawnmower.
8) Their suburb is bigger than the whole of sydney. You have never seen buildings that tall in your life.
9) Constantly reference how disturbing you find the fact that their landscape is not completely flat. Mountains are like something from a dream.
10) Constantly dare your companions in to who can better fight any example of wildlife you encounter, or bet them you can catch/kill it with your bare hands. Evaluate large passers by and ask if they want to help you hog-tie him.
11) Pretend that Ultrajoe is the nickname of the leader of one of the Australian political parties, but not labour or liberal, they're all tossers.
11b) Ultratask 2: Get a picture of an attractive Canadian lass holding up a sign saying 'I love The Ultra Joe'. If nothing else, this must occur. Bonus points if you can get it written on her torso. I have no regrets and feel no shame.
12) Tell them that master chief was based on Ned Kelly, and in Halo 1 the elites voices are backwards australian verses from a waltzing matilda, which is about Ned Kelly.
13) Sigh when holding knives and pretend to not notice them looking when you use your fingers to measure them, and then add several imaginary inches to the blade.
14) Convince at least 3 of them to eat half-centimeter thick vegemite toast. If any say they liked it, double points.
More to come.
EDIT: More have come.
15) pretend you have never heard any of the songs they play on the radio, or they make you listen to on the Ipod.
16) Whenever one of them does say 'eh' (if, indeed, at all), you must finish your next two sentences with 'mate'.
17) Laugh raucously at all the ads on their TV. It's payback time, bitches.
18) If one of them wakes you up, grab their neck before letting go and saying 'Careful mate, don't sneak up on me like that' with your eyes as wide as possible.
19) Attempt 11b again if you have not already succeeded.
20) Convince them you have met Hugh Jackman or that you are related to an australian celebrity. Tell them they are assholes in real life, everyone wants to believe this about celebrities.
If people want more, i can provide more.
Step 1:Come to the center of Vancouver. (make sure to bring a megaphone)
Step 2:Say:"May i have your attention please"
Step 3:repeat
Step 4:Say: "You all guys suck @#^%! (Possibly some other stuffs smart like this)
Step 5: RUUUUUN!
Step 2:Say:"May i have your attention please"
Step 3:repeat
Step 4:Say: "You all guys suck @#^%! (Possibly some other stuffs smart like this)
Step 5: RUUUUUN!
So... ahh, hey. Sorry for the lack of updates (this is also not an update) but I've been pretty drain for time lately. I've barely made any entries bar two from the planes and Hong Kong airport. I will probably get around to this but maybe not too soon. Not too sure. Might have to do it off memory. I guess this is just a disclaimer to keep all you pitchfork waving bastards out of my face.
