Really Bad Jokes
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My father concocted this one-
What were the little Mexican fellow's chances of winning the lottery...?
JUAN in a million!
What were the little Mexican fellow's chances of winning the lottery...?
JUAN in a million!
i thought it was pretty funny...Solon_Mega said:
this one is pretty damn long so please bare with me folks
so there's this young man who gets sentenced to 6 years in prison, so he's freaking out. along the way there he strikes up a conversation with the guy he's chained to and asks him if he's been to prison before. the man says "yeah, i done a dime in san quentin... why?" and the young man explains his situation and asks the man what it's like, to which his new pal replies, " oh man, you're gonna love it, you like movies? well monday night is movie night, we watch all the newest releases and the directors come in and answer any questions we might have, you're gonna love mondays. and on tuesday, you like good food? the top chef's in america come in and cook some of the best food for breakfast, lunch & dinner and teach us how to make it, you're gonna love tuesdays. then on wednesday, are you gay?? no? then you're gonna hate wednesdays"
omg i love that joke. it's not really a bad joke it just takes too long to tell. another fantastic one i heard from the late great Greg Geraldo (R.I.P.) bout john mcain during the run for presidency. "there was one time during a debate where you could see mcain was startin to lose it and he came soo fuckin close to screaming out 'HE'S BLAACCKK!!! FOR FUCKS SAKE! HIS LAST NAME RHYMES WITH OSAMA! I'MA GODDAMN WAR HERO!!"
anyway... we miss you greg
That's probably the best one so far.Silent Biohazard Solid said:
One-legged Russian scientist walks into a grocery store. He looks around the shelfs. He then realizes he forgot his wallet so he goes back to get it from his car. He walks back into the store, notices he now forgot the shopping list in the car. So he goes back to get it and goes to the store once again. A security guard starts wondering why he's going in and out and follows the scientist to see if he's stealing stuff. The scientist scratches his better leg and moves on. He tries to remember everything in the shopping list without looking at it. He gets a bottle of ketchup, a bag of dog food and a doll. He limps to the checkout, placing the articles on the desk. The seller is a beautiful young woman who then feeds the prices for everything in the register, and says: "34,50". The scientist gets very nervous, searches through his pockets. He can't find his wallet. The security guard is watching nearby. The scientist finally finds something; the shopping list and a key. He gives the list to the woman who the reads aloud the only three words on the list: "A fucking parrot". The scientist gets ever so confused and eats his car keys.
Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer. Amen.
A Father's Last Request:
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the
older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the
youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he
turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest
with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your
son."
The wife then muttered, "Thank God
he didn't ask about the other three."
he didn't ask about the other three."
Another one:
When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the
attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said,
"No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
"Why is that," the host asked?
"Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks
...anyone can!"
...anyone can!"
Bad joke I heard from my English Teacher:
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Because Poe wrote on both.
There's an even cheesier version of that:
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Because there is a "b" in "Both" and an "N" in "Neither".
Edit: this is a real immature one that we used to do in Middle school.
Say "Alpha Q" really fast.
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Because Poe wrote on both.
There's an even cheesier version of that:
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Because there is a "b" in "Both" and an "N" in "Neither".
Edit: this is a real immature one that we used to do in Middle school.
Say "Alpha Q" really fast.
An american tourist is standing outside Windsor Castle and asks 'What idiot decided to build a castle under the flight path for Heathrow Airport?'
-----------------------------------
Here is the predicament- the train is hurtling out of control. And no one can find the driver!
But rest assured, when they do they'll kill him!
-------------------------------------
There is an old saying- Men lie, women wear make up.... and lie.
-----------------------------------
Here is the predicament- the train is hurtling out of control. And no one can find the driver!
But rest assured, when they do they'll kill him!
-------------------------------------
There is an old saying- Men lie, women wear make up.... and lie.
here's a kinda racist one.
A soux Indian Chief walks into a drug store and up to the cashier, the clerk asks "uuhhh, can i help you sir?" the chief says" yes-um, give me magnum condom, and bottle of aspirin". the clerk hands the items over and the chief empties the aspirin into 1 of the magnums and swallows the whole thing... the clerk is shocked as the chief starts to leave, so he shouts to him " hey buddy!?! stop?! what the hell did you do that for?!"
and the chief says " Me got-um, big fucking headache"
A soux Indian Chief walks into a drug store and up to the cashier, the clerk asks "uuhhh, can i help you sir?" the chief says" yes-um, give me magnum condom, and bottle of aspirin". the clerk hands the items over and the chief empties the aspirin into 1 of the magnums and swallows the whole thing... the clerk is shocked as the chief starts to leave, so he shouts to him " hey buddy!?! stop?! what the hell did you do that for?!"
and the chief says " Me got-um, big fucking headache"
Police are investigating the escape of 20 prisoners through a hole in the wall. A spokesman for the police said "We're currently looking into it."
I went to the doctor the other day to complain of hearing problems. He said "Describe the symptoms" so I said "Homer, fat and bald. Marge, blue hair..."
A woman with no arms or legs is sitting there on the beach one day. Along comes a buff guy when she shouts over to him "Hey! Can you help me? I've never been hugged before and would like to know what it feels like". Taking pity on the women the man leans down and hugs her saying "Now you know what it feels like to be hugged"
The next day the man walks along again and there is the woman. This time she says "I was wondering if you could help me, I want to know what it feels like to be kissed?". Again, the man obliges and kisses her saying "Now you know what it feels like to be kissed"
On the third day the man walks along the beach and once again there is the woman. "Hey, can you help me?" she asks again. "I want to know what it feels like to be fucked". The man leans down, picks the woman up and throws her into the sea shouting "Now you're fucked! How does it feel?"
I went to the doctor the other day to complain of hearing problems. He said "Describe the symptoms" so I said "Homer, fat and bald. Marge, blue hair..."
A woman with no arms or legs is sitting there on the beach one day. Along comes a buff guy when she shouts over to him "Hey! Can you help me? I've never been hugged before and would like to know what it feels like". Taking pity on the women the man leans down and hugs her saying "Now you know what it feels like to be hugged"
The next day the man walks along again and there is the woman. This time she says "I was wondering if you could help me, I want to know what it feels like to be kissed?". Again, the man obliges and kisses her saying "Now you know what it feels like to be kissed"
On the third day the man walks along the beach and once again there is the woman. "Hey, can you help me?" she asks again. "I want to know what it feels like to be fucked". The man leans down, picks the woman up and throws her into the sea shouting "Now you're fucked! How does it feel?"
How do you fit 5 elephants into a car?
You put two in the front, two in the back, and the other one in the glove compartment
You put two in the front, two in the back, and the other one in the glove compartment
This one is REALLY bad. I heard it on the TV show The Vicar of Dibbley, and it may not be entirely accurate.
There's a boy who had no body, arms, or legs, but he still managed to stay alive thanks to modern medical technology. His father takes him to a bar for his 21st birthday, and gives the boy a beer. After the first sip of beer, POP! He grows a neck! After the second sip, POP! A body appears! After the third, POP! His arms and legs appear. He's so excited, he goes running out of the bar and into traffic and is killed instantly.
Guess he should have quit while he was ahead.
There's a boy who had no body, arms, or legs, but he still managed to stay alive thanks to modern medical technology. His father takes him to a bar for his 21st birthday, and gives the boy a beer. After the first sip of beer, POP! He grows a neck! After the second sip, POP! A body appears! After the third, POP! His arms and legs appear. He's so excited, he goes running out of the bar and into traffic and is killed instantly.
Guess he should have quit while he was ahead.