Romance is Futile

[Spoonius]

So I met a girl (how original, right?) at uni. Maybe this is an annual thing [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.396970-Asked-out-a-girl-today-D#16177557].

I didn't get to know her very well before semester ended (we only had one unit in common and she was in a different class anyway), but during the few conversations that we did share I experienced the single most positive gut reaction to a girl I've ever felt. She imbued that unique sense of heartache that can't be described, only understood. Disproportionate to the amount of time we spent together, utterly illogical... and completely overwhelming.

There was no discernible reason for it (excluding the red hair and green eyes of course), but she certainly left an impression. An unprecedented combination of intelligence, looks, pragmatism and introversion that for some reason I just couldn't (and can't) stop thinking about. She was unique somehow, she had a special X factor that I can't quite isolate. Maybe it was pheremones. Maybe my brain just decided to fuck with me. Who knows.

I never made a move due to uncertainty, and now she's gone. That was the only unit we'll ever share. I'll never see her again. Hell, she was probably only ever tolerating me anyway.

.

I've been mulling it over a lot lately, and I've come to the conclusion that the hamster wheel we call love just isn't worth it. Not worth the effort, not worth the guesswork, and definitely not worth the clusterfuck of confusion and emotion that seem to be prerequisites. Ever since I was a boy it's been the same; all these overpowering feelings that lead absolutely nowhere and only serve to make me feel terrible.

Yet all my mates seem to possess some kind of instinctive cheat code. Unlike me, they can find fulfilment in the process. They're all running the race... and I'm still trying to find the goddamn starting line.

But it's all got to be for something. It'll all be worth it in the end. Right?...

.

Some friends have succeeded. They've found 'the one'. They're happily together, two are even engaged.

And I'm really, really starting to question the payoff.

They all do things together in pairs. They go out to restaurants. They go out for drinks. They go out to clubs. They get intimate. They have parties. They discuss finances. They see movies. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and fucking repeat. Just an assortment of mind-numbingly mundane activities, repeated cyclically over and over and over again.

Is that all coupled life is? Until eventually marriage and/or kids come into play? I'm really starting to believe that the compulsive chase, only the chase and not the catch, is all there really is to love.

The girl I was talking about; had we partnered, would such a maddeningly mundane life be the culmination of all those overpowering otherworldly feelings, that indescribable sense of raw purpose I've felt since I was little? I don't know what I always believed would happen, but I always assumed it'd be something transcending and incredibly profound, an elusive state of being that I just hadn't achieved yet. An ultimate contentment.

Maybe I've just been duped by Hollywood.

.

I'm so irritated with myself right now; not only for missing an opportunity but also for my confusion and lack of intuition.

If anybody can provide insight or share any personal feelings/experiences then I'd sure be grateful...

.

Captcha was relevant a year ago, and even moreso today.

Damn you Captcha.

 

[Reiper]

Love isn't for everyone. I often wonder whether romance is worth it, since there is nothing really logical about it. When you think about it, the main reason we want to engage in romantic affairs is for sex, that is what it boils down to. There is companionship too, though that can arguably be had with regular friends, perhaps to a lesser degree.

I guess you have to weigh the pros and cons as to whether it is worth it for you. No point mulling over the past though, there will be other girls who you will like. You just need to look, and when you find one, act.

 

[Erttheking]

Hm...let me try and paint a metaphor for you here. (Single, never kissed a girl, you may want to take what I say with a pound of salt) I would only say I had one really good friend in highschool, was pals with him from day 1 there so we were pretty good. Then, the day before he leaves for college, he has a going away party at his place and all of a sudden he invites over these kids from the next town over that he had met at a study session that I had never met before. I felt really awkward that day, I didn't really know these people and my friend was talking to them like they were old pals. But I felt lonely when my friend had left for college so I decided to try hanging out with them. What did we do? We sat around, playing video games, taking walks every once in awhile, and really just being the biggest nerds that we could be. And you know what? I consider those people I barely knew a year and a half ago to be some of by best friends now. We're going to meet up again on Saturday to do what we always do. Looking back, I realize what we do is really mundane and really kinda boring. Most of us don't even play games, we just watch someone else play them (The friend who hosts when I'm not is a massive JRPG fangirl games which aren't well known for their multiplayer capabilities.)

Here's the thing though. We do the same mundane crap every single time we get together, we hang out, play games, sometimes watch a movie or an anime, occasionally we go get something to eat, rinse and repeat. But I look forward to doing it every time, because they're my friends and I care about them. Heck, a year or two ago, (Give or take) I used to suffer from semi-depression episodes, and talking to them about it on facebook really helped. They were there when I needed them and it helped. Just the other day I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I had gotten seriously depressed, and I wasn't taking any medicine or talking to a professional or anything. That's probably because my condition wasn't a very extreme case but they helped out a lot. Heck, one of them is at college herself and she's been coming to me a lot because they're slamming her with all of this work and I'm just there when she needs someone to vent to. I don't know if its helping her as much as she helped me, but I hope it is helping.

I may not hold a very popular view here, but I am of the view that your special someone should be your best friend, a best friend that you feel comfortable going to the next stage in a relationship with. You do boring mundane shit with them but so what? They're your pal and you have fun doing stuff with your pal. Its not what we do, its who we do it with. Just spending time with them means something because they're your friend. And sometimes you meet girlfriends the same way I met my friends. You just bite the bullet and ask if they want to hang out. It can seem really stressful and hard to do, I know, but it's a lot easier once you get the first time out of the way.

Well, I was kinda rambling there. I hope that this helped in some way.

 

[JoJo]

I've had largely positive experiences with love, haven't really the time be detailing them now. I think OP you need more confidence though, if you just sit at the sidelines and never ask the girl or guy out then you're never going to get anywhere. Next time you meet someone you like, make yours moves and at the worst, they'll be flattered you're interested, at the best you've scored. This summer I followed the rule of Be Bold in my personal interactions and boy did it pay off ;-)

 

[Vegosiux]

I've had largely positive experiences with love, haven't really the time be detailing them now. I think OP you need more confidence though, if you just sit at the sidelines and never ask the girl or guy out then you're never going to get anywhere. Next time you meet someone you like, make yours moves and at the worst, they'll be flattered you're interested, at the best you've scored. This summer I followed the rule of Be Bold in my personal interactions and boy did it pay off ;-)

Could have done without that "I'm so great" at the end, no? Though my issue there was more with the "c-word". No, not that one. Just that everybody constantly seems to be swinging "be confident" around as if it was a dead cat, and then when asked "Uh, what do you mean by that?" they suddenly get stumped. And the different definitions I've got ranged all from "desperate" (as in "Well, ask 20 women out on the same day if you have to!") to "not giving a damn, just having a good time". (as in "Hey, quit stressing over it and just do whatever you feel like." - this is kind of the best one I've heard)

All in all tho, OP, the truth is (and this is truth, not opinion) that there's no secret recipe that will get you exactly what you want. Oh, and that this entire "romance" and "sex" thing is incredibly overrated. And more importantly, it's not only about whether or not they want to go out with you, it's also about how close you're willing to let them, too. I'm not necessarily talking "insecurity" here, more like, just being infatuated with someone doesn't yet make that obstacle go away. A degree of trust is simply necessary.

Though in the end, OP, I'd ask one simple question: "What is it that you want/expect from a 'romance'?"

 

[Julius Terrell]

I'm just as stumped as you OP. All I seem to do is fail at relationships. Meeting people is a pain and finding a single woman in a sea of taken women is next to impossible. All I know is that I don't want to be lonely anymore. I don't know how everyone else does it, but this path each of us have to walk alone. What works for one person my not work for another, and you have to find people that like you for who you are.

I'm feeling hurt right now because of this very subject, but I have to learn to move past it.

Just be yourself and do what works for YOU.

 

[Esotera]

Just be upfront about it and ask her out for a drink or something else, if it's just the two of you and she says yes then it's likely both of you are under the impression it's a date. The worst that can happen is she says no, and the both of you just completely drop it and keep on being friends. That is way better than wondering what might have happened.

Also for the love of god don't feel rushed or pressured to get into a relationship/romance by family/friends or whatever. There is immense social pressure to be in love, and it's not worth doing it unless you're in the right sort of place in your life.

 

[The Wykydtron]

Well it's not for everyone really, myself included. I'm perfectly happy being single and I did try the relationship thing. It was sub par at best. I get the appeal but it was in no way worth all the effort.

Looking back I was only looking to be in a relationship because that is the socially accepted thing to do. When I actually got a girlfriend (for all of like a week) after doing some y'know, things together, the moment she left I thought "well that was a waste of time, I could have finished my anime instead."

I was pretty shocked that that was the first thing that came to mind to be honest. I dropped everything from then on since I still have found no reason to go out with anyone. Sorry ladies, you might smell nice but you ain't really worth the effort

[sub][sub]Unless you have black/red long hair, blue eyes, A-cup or below-ish chest size, look good in trousers, wear stylish glasses and can pull off a sick beret. Then we can talk.[/sub][/sub]

 

[Colour Scientist]

Sorry ladies, you might smell nice but you ain't really worth the effort

[sub][sub]Unless you have black/red long hair, blue eyes, A-cup or below-ish chest size, look good in trousers, wear stylish glasses and can pull off a sick beret. Then we can talk.[/sub][/sub]

OP: It's definitely worth the payoff.

Don't let one bad experience ruin your opinion of romance.
You had a crush and it didn't work out, it happens, try not to dwell on it.
I'm not trying to dismiss your experience or anything but you can't write off love because, from the sounds of it, you haven't experienced it yet.

 

[JoJo]

I've had largely positive experiences with love, haven't really the time be detailing them now. I think OP you need more confidence though, if you just sit at the sidelines and never ask the girl or guy out then you're never going to get anywhere. Next time you meet someone you like, make yours moves and at the worst, they'll be flattered you're interested, at the best you've scored. This summer I followed the rule of Be Bold in my personal interactions and boy did it pay off ;-)

Could have done without that "I'm so great" at the end, no? Though my issue there was more with the "c-word". No, not that one. Just that everybody constantly seems to be swinging "be confident" around as if it was a dead cat, and then when asked "Uh, what do you mean by that?" they suddenly get stumped. And the different definitions I've got ranged all from "desperate" (as in "Well, ask 20 women out on the same day if you have to!") to "not giving a damn, just having a good time". (as in "Hey, quit stressing over it and just do whatever you feel like." - this is kind of the best one I've heard)

All in all tho, OP, the truth is (and this is truth, not opinion) that there's no secret recipe that will get you exactly what you want. Oh, and that this entire "romance" and "sex" thing is incredibly overrated. And more importantly, it's not only about whether or not they want to go out with you, it's also about how close you're willing to let them, too. I'm not necessarily talking "insecurity" here, more like, just being infatuated with someone doesn't yet make that obstacle go away. A degree of trust is simply necessary.

Though in the end, OP, I'd ask one simple question: "What is it that you want/expect from a 'romance'?"

The OP asked for people to share their personal experiences, so I did. I don't believe it's showing off to talk about a successful romance in a romance thread. Besides, it also helps show the OP I've got some experience to back up my claim rather than just pulling it out of my arse.

As for confidence, it isn't so complicated. If you like the look of someone, go up to them and get to know them a little. If you like what you hear and think there's a chance they might like you back, ask them out. That's what I mean when I say 'confidence' in this situation anyway.

 

[Vegosiux]

The OP asked for people to share their personal experiences, so I did. I don't believe it's showing off to talk about a successful romance in a romance thread. Besides, it also helps show the OP I've got some experience to back up my claim rather than just pulling it out of my arse.

As for confidence, it isn't so complicated. If you like the look of someone, go up to them and get to know them a little. If you like what you hear and think there's a chance they might like you back, ask them out. That's what I mean when I say 'confidence' in this situation anyway.

Excuse my little jab, just have a cynic rep to maintain, meant no ill

But well, that's the thing I don't see much sense in there being a "word" for it, especially since it's vague. I agree with you, you just go there, chat a bit, get to know each other, suggest hanging out sometime. I just find it a bit, I don't know...unnecessary; and it can muddy the issue and confuse people.

Now, I could also start about how the trend of lots of internet communication kind of works adversely in regard of people learning nonverbal communication through their childhood and all, but that's an entire different can o' worms altogether and I'm no authority on it, either >.>

It's also true that you need to take risks. I don't like talks about "comfort zone", again because I find it a needlessly snooty expression, but yah, if you want to get closer to someone, you'll need to expose yourself a bit. That's something many people have trouble with, for one reason or the other. That's why I kind of said that "You shouldn't stress out over it" is good advice, because stressing out over it gets noticed and makes it awkward. And there's no other way to learn communication than to communicate...

Wait, where am I going with this?

 

[Floppertje]

Yes, when you're together with someone you still have to deal with all the boring shit. Amelie lied to us. It's not so easy as 'find girl, get together, perfect world'.
But, first of all: half the 'boring stuff' you describe isn't boring. People enjoy going out to restaurants and bars. If you don't, that's cool. Do things you enjoy (there are a few, right?), then when you find someone, you can do those things together and they become even more enjoyable. The boring stuff get's a little more bearable because you have the next date/gettogether/hookup to look forward to. Just spending time with them is 'the point'. Romance is there for it's own sake.

As for your redheaded poltergeist OP; call her up and say 'hey, I really enjoyed taking that class with you, want to hang out sometime?' or something of that nature. Seriously. do it. right now. I'll wait here. done? great. now, one of two things happened: either she said yes and you're too busy doing a victory dance to read this, or she said no, in which case you'll be sad for a bit and then move on. You said it yourself: you're never going to see her again, so why not take a small risk with a huge payoff? what's the worst that could happen?
It's happened to me a ton of times that I made a connection with someone in class and asked them out. got one girlfriend that way and got rejected a bunch of other times. guess which of those I still think about? rejection is nothing to be feared in the grand scheme of your life.

 

[The Wykydtron]

Sorry ladies, you might smell nice but you ain't really worth the effort

[sub][sub]Unless you have black/red long hair, blue eyes, A-cup or below-ish chest size, look good in trousers, wear stylish glasses and can pull off a sick beret. Then we can talk.[/sub][/sub]

OP: It's definitely worth the payoff.

Don't let one bad experience ruin your opinion of romance.
You had a crush and it didn't work out, it happens, try not to dwell on it.
I'm not trying to dismiss your experience or anything but you can't write off love because, from the sounds of it, you haven't experienced it yet.

To go further into the details, I have always felt more comfortable on my own so going out of my way to find company is a bit moot. It takes me weeks or even months to get used to new people, I would be terrible at parties.

I've never been an intimate kind of guy. To be honest the idea of being that intimate with someone sort of horrifies me, especially the whole sex thing. At the risk of sounding hilariously childish, the whole idea of it grosses me out. Like I have to be inside of someone. Ick.

Y'know I could point to my early/mid teen years and say "pretty much that" as to why i'm like it. I wouldn't go so far as to call it "traumatic" but it instilled a lot of bad habits in me that I cannot undo.

Hey if the perfect woman rolls around at some point I will try. I'm just not going out of my way to find one.

Really we could go round in circles, I dunno how good this love thing is so i'm going to be a bit skeptical whereas you do and you say it's the best thing ever because you *do* know.

 

[Sectan]

I've never had a girlfriend. Never even kissed a girl and I'm 21 so I have no business even suggesting anything. I had a similar experience at a convention a few weeks ago. Ran into a girl that I was really into, didn't spend a whole lot of time with her either. I saw her once for 10 minutes then 2 days passed and I went home. I felt like absolute shit for not saying anything else to her.

I added her on Facebook and we've been talking a bit back and forth, but I have no idea if it will go anywhere. It took me 2 days to just click Add Friend and I felt like an absolute idiot the entire time, but I feel a whole lot better about the situation. If nothing else just try adding her on Facebook or making contact with her.

You have three possibilities:

1on't do anything and you're pretty much guaranteed that nothing will happen.

2:Make contact with her somehow and she'll either want to talk to you OR 3: She wont want to talk to you..

If she doesn't want to talk that's a clear sign that it probably wouldn't have worked and you can start to go through the period of getting over her and going on with your life.

Either way doing nothing is the worst thing you can do in a situation like this (IMO). Instead of just feeling like you lost somebody you'll be constantly sitting there wondering "What if I had said something to her? Even if it was something silly."

Again I have to say I have no business giving advice in an area like this, but after highschool and so many years of saying nothing to my crushes I had to take a chance and just do something. Its sort of working out for me.

 

[The Wykydtron]

Well it's not for everyone really, myself included. I'm perfectly happy being single and I did try the relationship thing. It was sub par at best. I get the appeal but it was in no way worth all the effort.

Looking back I was only looking to be in a relationship because that is the socially accepted thing to do. When I actually got a girlfriend (for all of like a week) after doing some y'know, things together, the moment she left I thought "well that was a waste of time, I could have finished my anime instead."

I was pretty shocked that that was the first thing that came to mind to be honest. I dropped everything from then on since I still have found no reason to go out with anyone. Sorry ladies, you might smell nice but you ain't really worth the effort

[sub][sub]Unless you have black/red long hair, blue eyes, A-cup or below-ish chest size, look good in trousers, wear stylish glasses and can pull off a sick beret. Then we can talk.[/sub][/sub]

I think you mean if they don't look, smell or act like Chie Satonaka, they aren't worth your time.

OT: My experiences with love have been mostly good, I had a few relationships but they didn't work out for one reason or another, all of them ended on positive notes though, currently single, love is a fickle thing and I would hesitate to call love futile, but it takes work to find someone you really do "love"

SHIT. Did I accidentally describe Chie wearing Naoto's clothing? Persona 4 is living in my subconscious it seems... Though Chie has brown eyes but Naoto's are a grey shade of blue. I actually did mash Chie and Naoto together. I took a good few minutes to put together my ideal image of a woman and THIS is what I get?

Leave me, I am too far gone. Persona 4 has forever claimed my soul.

 

[Zoe Castillo]

--

 

[svenjl]

I'm in my 30s and been with my partner for almost 15 years. I probably only had two strong emotional reactions to girls before I met her. You seem to be concerned on one hand about not taking an "opportunity", and on the other hand getting caught in a cycle of events that relationships are centred around (in your opinion). I can't reassure you that life isn't a series of "rinse and repeat" activities when you're married with two kids, for example like I am, and that things don't get mundane. There are some indisputable facts of life. Sometimes I wish I could get away from it all, despite the fact that I love my wife and kids! But, there are an overwhelming number of joys to be had from sharing life's journey with other people. I would try and take things as they come, enjoy what you have, take a chance on the next red haired green eyed wonder woman. You also have to make your life as an individual as satisfying as possible. I've got my own interests that my wife has nothing to do with - that's the way I like it and she doesn't care. It's healthy (and doesn't include any vices unless you count gaming and team sports as vices). Good luck soldier.