Romance is Futile

[PainInTheAssInternet]

I've been with my girlfriend for three years now. I'm hard-pressed to think of any romantic event in our relationship. Everything we've ever done we did because we just felt like it in that moment. It sounds like some kind of grand philosophical statement that you'd see on a hallmark card, but it really isn't. It is, for us at least, just how things work. We're far from the most exciting people in the world, doesn't mean we can't have fun. We love each other dearly and have a difficult time getting though the day without constantly talking to each other. Not lovey-dovey, just talking about whatever pops in our head. I never realized just how much it was a part of my life until I was off in England with no phone or internet.

Then again, our friends are mighty weird.

 

[Hagi]

I think you're doing things in entirely the wrong order.

You're supposed to philosophically ponder the meaning of love after you've gotten a happy relationship, not before. Doing it before just leads to the rant you've left us with.

And yeah, I think it is mostly mundane stuff. Nothing mind-blowing ( except for all the crazy sex of course ). You'll be doing many of the same things you did on your own, except now with someone else.

And, if after several years of doing completely mundane stuff together, you can philosophically ponder love and come up with a positive rant ( I don't think anyone'll ever come up with anything besides rants though ) then that's probably it.

Doubt you'll ever find utterly amazing, but hey, if it's more fun to do mundane stuff together then why complain?

 

[HardkorSB]

mhm

So let me get this straight:
You've met a girl, you got to like her, you didn't do a god damn thing to let her know that and now you're angry that the chance is gone so you go all ""it's not worth it" and you belittle other people's relationships to make yourself feel better.
How close am I?

When people say "be confident", in your case it means DO SOMETHING!
Don't bottle up your thoughts and feelings, express them.
Never waste an opportunity, you might never get another one.

 

[Griffolion]

I've been mulling it over a lot lately, and I've come to the conclusion that the hamster wheel we call love just isn't worth it. Not worth the effort, not worth the guesswork, and definitely not worth the clusterfuck of confusion and emotion that seem to be prerequisites. Ever since I was a boy it's been the same; all these overpowering feelings that lead absolutely nowhere and only serve to make me feel terrible.

Yet all my mates seem to possess some kind of instinctive cheat code. Unlike me, they can find fulfilment in the process. They're all running the race... and I'm still trying to find the goddamn starting line.

But it's all got to be for something. It'll all be worth it in the end. Right?...

.

Some friends have succeeded. They've found 'the one'. They're happily together, two are even engaged.

And I'm really, really starting to question the payoff.

They all do things together in pairs. They go out to restaurants. They go out for drinks. They go out to clubs. They get intimate. They have parties. They discuss finances. They see movies. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and fucking repeat. Just an assortment of mind-numbingly mundane activities, repeated cyclically over and over and over again.

Is that all coupled life is? Until eventually marriage and/or kids come into play? I'm really starting to believe that the compulsive chase, only the chase and not the catch, is all there really is to love.

Getting with someone is as simple as being straight and asking them. "Hey, would you like to go out for coffee/dinner sometime?". Or some analogue of that adapted to your situation.

I celebrate 18 months together with my fiancee this month, our relationship wasn't "a clusterfuck of confusion and emotion". We are thousands of miles apart and have been for the majority of our relationship, yet maintaining our relationship has been fine, and even an incredible strengthening factor in our relationship.

What overpowering feelings are these? It just seems like you have a hard time dealing with emotions, to be honest.

Some friends have succeeded. They've found 'the one'. They're happily together, two are even engaged.

That makes the assumption that the simple attainment of "the one" is the only success there is to be had. There are different ways of looking at these things. Every day can be a running success, the support of your loved one, and your support to them. The sharing in life's most intimate details, a shoulder to cry on that never goes, someone who's always on your side.

And I'm really, really starting to question the payoff.

Again, you're taking on a sort of measuring system to judge the "success" of a relationship, instead of letting it be and putting everything you have into it selflessly. Standing on the sidelines criticizing the players and the game is easy. It takes something else entirely to let go of yourself and get in there. When you're in that place with someone you love with your heart and soul, the term "payoff" will become a completely alien concept to your thinking.

They all do things together in pairs. They go out to restaurants. They go out for drinks. They go out to clubs. They get intimate. They have parties. They discuss finances. They see movies. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and fucking repeat. Just an assortment of mind-numbingly mundane activities, repeated cyclically over and over and over again.

Is that all coupled life is? Until eventually marriage and/or kids come into play? I'm really starting to believe that the compulsive chase, only the chase and not the catch, is all there really is to love.

That's basically life, do things, rinse and repeat. Having someone to do it with makes them all so much better. Even so, you appear to be placing the entirety of the relationship's value in the things they "do" together, rather in what the relationship "is". Doing things together is great, but what gives a relationship true value, something you can't quantify or even explain well with words, are how quick to forgive the lovers/partners are, how supporting they are, how selfless they are to their partner, etc. These things come from within, love becomes an action, not a mere feeling, and oftentimes love is "done" in spite of feeling.

The chase can be exciting, but it's a thrill. An adrenaline rush, the same thing a hunter gets chasing their prey. And then it becomes a fun story to tell the kids later in life of how dad wooed mum (or vice versa). If you're equating that to love, then I think there needs to be a rethink as to how you see all this.


I'm sorry you've potentially had bad luck in the past, and I'm sorry that whatever this situation has been hasn't worked out either. I had some real shitty times in love, and had many gripes and complaints about the whole process. For a while, I logically rationalised the whole thing away, "it wasn't for me", "it's irrational" and "detrimental to me as a person". But for all my grandiose "wise" philosophies and justifications as to why I was to regard love with such derision, it all just turned out to be an utterly amazing lie I'd fed myself, and a cover up for the fact that the failures had made me afraid to try again and put my heart out there. For a number of years, I cowered behind my "infallible" logic, not letting anyone in. 18 months into being with the most magnificent woman, I'm still recovering from that time now long past. It did a number on me.

Anyway, if it's someone you want to find, I do hope you find them one day. I can tell you personally that it's worth it. Best of luck in any future endeavours, and remember that if you want to make a move on someone, just honeybadger like a mofo and ask them. The worst they will say is "no", meaning you have the greenlight to 100% move on. At best, you may actually end up happy.

Captcha: select * from table - didn't know captchas were doing SQL statements now?

 

[Roofstone]

My last relationship ended because I felt that the effort wasn't worth the reward. I am much more happy by myself, hanging around with friends and playing video games and whatnot. Romance isn't for everyone.

 

[Jenvas1306]

so... its simple, relationships are an intimate thing. just doing the routine stuff is for getting to know someone, not what you do when you are together for longer.
my boyfriend and me have greatly overlapping interressts in movies, series, games etc, that makes it easy for us to find things to do together and make what we already like even better because we do it together.
I didnt look for a partner because I thought its expected, I did so because I was missing something in my life.
Now I got someone who knows me better than anyone else, who even loves my negative traits, someone whom I trust fully and whom I can tell everything, I think thats very worth it.

If you try to imitate others, if you just do what is deemed 'normal' then you will have a hard time finding happyness. just do things your way. your guts told you so loudly to do something and you didnt, so let it be a lesson and dont repeat that mistake.

btw: how do you know that its fullfilling for your mates? do you know their innerworkings?

 

[Gitty101]

OP, it seems to me (please correct me if I'm mistaken), that you're largely pissed at yourself for not being proactive for this woman that you quite fancied? I know you've probably told yourself this, but if you don't try, how can you ever hope to succeed? My advice to you would be to be more confident and direct in your approach to women. If you like someone, it's better to let them know rather than play the waiting game. Overall, it'll save you a lot of time and, hopefully, get you the result you want.

I'm currently in a relationship going on 3 years now, and I love her dearly. As for your description of couples activities being 'mind numbingly mundane', I can only disagree. Look at it this way, if you're in a relationship, you essentially have a best friend (at least that's how it should be). Would you describe activities with your other friends in this manner?

Whilst I would agree with the general consensus that romance isn't for everyone, I would urge those who haven't tried it not to knock it or write it off completely. Take care OP, hope it all works out for you.

 

[DrOswald]

Well, first of all, how can you say it is not worth the effort when you never actually made the effort? By your own admission you never even tried with this girl.

Second, couples do mundane things together. Surprise! What are you doing that is so fantastic that you could not do with someone else? And what amazing things did you expect to happen when people got together?

The fact is something profound does happen. The mundane, normal life you will lead anyway becomes far more fulfilling when you share it with another.

As for your lack of intuition in romance, my recommendation is to stop trying to have romantic relationships and just make friends of the sex in which you are interested in. I am socially awkward and overweight individual with all the romantic intuition of a brick and yet I have had great success in romance. The "secret" is that every romantic relationship I have had grew from a previous friendship.

But be clear about this: you do not make friends with the intent to twist it into a romantic relationship. I have seen many people attempt this and it never works out well for anyone. But if you never interact with women you will never develop a romantic relationship with a woman. And since you, like me, seem incapable of cold starting a romantic relationship naturally developing such a relationship is your only path.

 

[JoJo]

Excuse my little jab, just have a cynic rep to maintain, meant no ill

Fair enough, it's hard to tell sometimes since some people on these forums will take anything seriously -.-

But well, that's the thing I don't see much sense in there being a "word" for it, especially since it's vague. I agree with you, you just go there, chat a bit, get to know each other, suggest hanging out sometime. I just find it a bit, I don't know...unnecessary; and it can muddy the issue and confuse people.

Now, I could also start about how the trend of lots of internet communication kind of works adversely in regard of people learning nonverbal communication through their childhood and all, but that's an entire different can o' worms altogether and I'm no authority on it, either >.>

It's also true that you need to take risks. I don't like talks about "comfort zone", again because I find it a needlessly snooty expression, but yah, if you want to get closer to someone, you'll need to expose yourself a bit. That's something many people have trouble with, for one reason or the other. That's why I kind of said that "You shouldn't stress out over it" is good advice, because stressing out over it gets noticed and makes it awkward. And there's no other way to learn communication than to communicate...

Wait, where am I going with this?

Yup, it certainly isn't as easy as some posts would make out, I've struggled with social issues in the past (and still do) which is why I like to help other people who are similarly troubled. That said, the OP's problem could have very easily been solved by simply asking the girl out, or even just to a social meetup, which is probably why a lot of the responses are as they are.

 

[Elvis Starburst]

First of all, I need to get this out of the way.

Well it's not for everyone really, myself included. I'm perfectly happy being single and I did try the relationship thing. It was sub par at best. I get the appeal but it was in no way worth all the effort.

Looking back I was only looking to be in a relationship because that is the socially accepted thing to do. When I actually got a girlfriend (for all of like a week) after doing some y'know, things together, the moment she left I thought "well that was a waste of time, I could have finished my anime instead."

I was pretty shocked that that was the first thing that came to mind to be honest. I dropped everything from then on since I still have found no reason to go out with anyone. Sorry ladies, you might smell nice but you ain't really worth the effort

[sub][sub]Unless you have black/red long hair, blue eyes, A-cup or below-ish chest size, look good in trousers, wear stylish glasses and can pull off a sick beret. Then we can talk.[/sub][/sub]

I hope that was sarcasm, but more of me hopes it isn't.

OT: It's been a few months since I came out of a 10 year relationship, and it absolutely devastated me.

I'm over it now, and I've moved on with my life. I have a new job, I've lost two stone (28lbs), and I'm talking to a girl, in a totally non-romantic bro kind of way, of course.

Oh jesus dude, I knew you were in a really long one awhile back, sorry to hear that :c Glad to know you're all good about it!

OT: Me, personally, I've had two. I fucked up my first one cause I was an absolute idiot and made a bad choice. The second, it just didn't work out. To be honest, I do wonder how worth it it'll be. I really am just a horny ************ and being a virgin does NOT help. I absolutely loved having someone I could care for and call a partner of sorts. The romancing aspect was also quite good~ I dunno about marriage though... Betting half of my stuff that we'll love eachother forever kinda scares me. That, and I hate children and can't even imagine having one of my own. Sure, it'd be cool, but, just... Eeeeugh. I think working at McDonald's ruined any hope of me liking kids. They can be cute, yes, but fuck it all if I ever say I want one of my own right now.

So, with all of that in mind, I'm not sure how worth it is. I think I just like the connection, and not a whole lot further than that. Then again, I'm only 20 years old. I'm sure my view will change in a decade or so

 

[Silverbeard]

Hey, OP, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. There's an old Chris Rock skit wherein he describes relationships quite cleanly: "MARRIED and BORED, or SINGLE and LONELY! Ain't no happiness nowhere."
Truer words have not been spoken, eh mate?

Anyway, oftentimes it seems like relationships end because one party or the other decides to quit the deal. Few people mention all the other ways that relationships can end. My fiancée, whom I had grown up with and known for 18+ years was killed in a flood back in 2007. And the real heartbreaker? I could have prevented it if I'd convinced her not to visit her family on the coast. I didn't try hard enough and now she's gone. Just gone.

I haven't sought any new involvements ever since. How does anyone move on from that?

In short, it's a risk OP. Always is. You accept the risk for the potential reward or you forego it and never think about such things for as long as you shall live.

 

[not_you]

I certainly don't see the appeal in it...

And when I voiced my opinions on it to a friend of mine (who subsequently found someone a few months back) the only answer he could come up with was: "Well, at least I get my dick wet"

Yeah, something's telling me they won't last...


Back on topic: I've run through the same situation as you a few times, and in the end, I have come to the conclusion that romance, is indeed, not worth it...

Not worth the hassle, not worth the expenses, not worth the effort, not worth the confusing emotions and such...

Do I believe in love? Sure, there's something for everyone out there...
Will I actively go searching for it? Hell no...

But yeah, OP: I feel your pain... Been there, done that...


Tell that to 18 year-old me and I wouldn't believe it for a second....

 

[nathan-dts]

Very much the same thing that I always said until actually starting a relationship a year ago. Speaking as someone who has felt very much depressed over the past three years, being with that person is something that makes me happy. To that end, it is worth it. It's something to keep living for and something that makes me look forward to the future.

 

[INF1NIT3 D00M]

Well, what can I say?
You see it all around you, good loving gone bad. Usually it's too late when you realize what you had. My mind goes back to a girl I met some years ago, who told me "Hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control."

In all seriousness, you need to start off by sucking it up and accepting whatever comes your way. You just have to say "F*ck it, I want her in my life, and hang the consequences". Then you just ask her if she wants to do normal things with you. Stuff you were going to do anyway. You like her, you like having her around, just being in the same class as her made you happy. Do what you're going to do, see if she'll come with you. Just ask, see what she says. She's likely to surprise you in a good way. This shows her that you're interested, and that's exactly what you want. You want her to know that you like her, but you don't want to or need to force anything. You don't have to go on a date to a fancy restaurant because "that's what people do". Instead, pick an activity that you like, and see if she'd be interested in it. If she's not interested in doing anything with you, then leave it at that. Finding a mutual activity for the both of you is the first step toward both a friendship and a romantic relationship. The attitudes and opinions you form for each other during that "getting to know you" period is what determines which type of relationship you'll have. You can't force it there, either. You can try, but that's not recommended. This is where the whole "Be Yourself" thing comes in. If you're not a fisherman, don't try to take her fishing. Don't try to pump yourself up or anything silly like that. She either likes what she sees or she's not into you. If you don't show her the real you during this time, she can't accurately tell you whether she likes you that way or not.

So let's assume this all goes right. You're past the hard part, mostly. Now you've just got to go with the flow. Don't get all caught up in the ridiculous notion of being together forever. Be happy with what you have. Enjoy every moment of her company, and focus on making memories. If she's going to leave, she's going to leave. I can tell you for a fact it won't last forever. The longest you're going to last together is only as long as it takes for one of you to die. That said, don't focus on that part. Don't start out with unrealistic expectations. Just take her as she is, love her for who she is and how she is now. If you feel that she's crushing the life out of you, if she makes your every day a living hell, talk to her about it. Communication keeps relationships healthy. That said, it may not fix everything. Sometimes, you have to know when to let go. That can be when she decides to leave you, or it can be the moment where you're at your last straw. There's no shame in it, don't waste time. Every moment spent in a relationship that makes you miserable taints the memory of your good times. In some ways, one can be envious of those men/women who break up with someone while they had a good thing going, because everything from start to finish was good times.

I dunno really, I spent four years in a terrible relationship just so I'd have one. If I could, I'd take that all back and spend the time alone. I'm happier this way. It's not about having nobody, it's about having the potential to be with anybody. You don't need to be in a relationship, else you'll die alone. It doesn't happen like that. When you give up on everything and lock yourself away from the world, that's when you die alone. If you just do what you want to do, the things that make you happy, eventually you'll run into someone attractive who likes you and what you do. Then you'll just carry on side-by-side. Think of it this way, you want a co-pilot. When you're driving a car, who do you want riding shotgun? If it's a friend for now, bring a friend. If you find someone you like, see if they'll be that new co-pilot. Let them come, let them go. And above all, before you go out and do anything romantically, consider whether or not the whole thing is for you. You're going to feel pressure all the time to mate and find love, it's part genetics and part society. It's a tough road to resist those pressures, but for some people it's a road they're ultimately happier traveling. You may find someone you like, but you never get around to any of the commitment. That's fine. Never do anything because you feel like you have to. Do it because you want to, or don't do it at all. No apologies for that one. You may be happier as a single person, enjoying the chase. You may be happier just throwing it all out the window and not bothering to look beyond yourself. That's totally valid. Remember, Love is not a product of Romance. Romance is a product of Love.

 

[Shocksplicer]

I've had two relationships. The first lasted a year before ending because I just wasnt into her anymore. The second lasted a couple of weeks before she ended it for no reason, giving me literally every bullshit excuse in the book. However, I've since learned from someone who used to know her that shes actually a straight-up bad person, so I guess in retrospect I dodged a bullet.
Kinda lonely now, but I cant really do much other than hope. :/

 

[Evil Moo]

Love seems like a cruel ploy to trick me into procreating, while simultaneously ignoring the fact that I lack the social prowess or conscious desire to do so. I will certainly be trying to avoid falling too deep with that particular emotion again. Any kind of direct social interaction is incredibly draining for me. Unless I find someone who I like and that somehow avoids being such an effort to be with for any appreciable length of time, I consider it highly unlikely I will ever find myself in a romantic relationship. Even if I did find such an individual and in the unlikely event that the feeling was mutual, I would likely prefer to spare them from getting too close to myself. I doubt I would be much of a positive influence on anyone's life.

I would be all too happy to live in solitude, if only my more instinctual desires were not so strongly opposed to the idea.

 

[Tigerlemur]

Yes you have to do things for your partner, yes you're probably going to have to go out, yes that means that you will have to take some of your precious time for that person. And you know what ?
If you really love your partner, you won't mind doing these things because, boo-fucking-hoo, you love him/her !
You want to spend time with your partner.

I like this. Yes, this. Good show.

I know for me, the relationships I've been in, two in particular, I love(d) spending time with. One of my ex's moms once said, "You know, I bet you two would be happy shoveling sh*t together." Obviously that's not an ideal to strive for, but it is time you're spending with someone you like. Being in a good relationship is very much like having a best friend. A best friend that shows you their fun pants-parts (depending on age, duration of relationship, etc, of course).

Onto the "mundane" part. Think of mundane tasks you do with your friends that are better simply because you're with that friend. Every do chores with your friend? Work with them? It's way better, right? Again, it's just like that. In addition...

I can't reassure you that life isn't a series of "rinse and repeat" activities when you're married with two kids, for example like I am, and that things don't get mundane. There are some indisputable facts of life. Sometimes I wish I could get away from it all, despite the fact that I love my wife and kids! But, there are an overwhelming number of joys to be had from sharing life's journey with other people

That guy has it down. You have to experience life anyway... So enjoy doing it with someone special to you. That's my two cents.

Oh, also, yeah, romance isn't for everyone and don't let anyone tell you that's wrong. People are unique, and as Dr. Seuss says, "There is no one alive who is You-er than You." And that makes you special.

 

[timeformime]

Everyone's mileage always varies with romance. But I'm sure of one thing - people were not made to always be solitary. Technology, our world, our culture, etc., pushes us apart to a large degree, but don't let that stop you connecting from your fellow man. I do believe that being a positive, confident person has something to do with it. That doesn't mean outgoing, that just means you're comfortable with who you are and you don't emanate negative energy. Those are two super important qualities for attracting people, be they friends or a potential mate.

And yeah, there's a time for romance and a time to be single. Don't let society tell you what the right time is for you - you'll know it when it comes.