Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

[StormShaun]

Granted. You're an assassin but the world's worst assassin. You are captured before your first assignment is even handed to you.

Something like this?

Also granted.

you go to another country and forget about it. You punch the Australian PM and you get arrested and call a man sugar daddy for the rest of your life.

I wish to be the one in a horror movie that survives.

 

[QuietCupOfTea]

Granted, but you go crazy and spend the rest of your days in a madhouse.

I wish for a kitten that won't kill me.

 

[zombiekiller1907]

Granted. It kills each and every one of your loved ones instead. And you contracted a fatal disease from the lice that lives on the cat. You die.

I wish for cirque du soleil

 

[The Night Angel]

Granted, it is on the moon, with you.

I wish for this planet to have a second moon.

 

[The Night Angel]

Granted, we become so smart that we realise we deserve extinction, and we destroy ourselves.

I wish for something to do when I'm bored.

 

[The Night Angel]

Granted, but it only works on yourself.

I wish for a potato farm

 

[StormShaun]

Granted. McDonald's sues you for launching a full frontal assault on it's main potato farm....you get convicted to life in prison with a man in the same cell your call sugar daddy.

I wish for...nothing.

 

[The Night Angel]

Granted, the universe disappears and leaves nothingness.

I wish for everything

 

[StormShaun]

Granted. You get crushed by everything in the world. You die, everyone hates you and your country is buried under a pile of everything. Are you happy?

I wish for things I need.

 

[QuietCupOfTea]

Granted, but they're all broken.

I wish for thunder and lightning.

 

[Jetut]

Granted but it's happening where I live

I wish for a takeaway tonight.

 

[WhyBotherToTry]

Granted but it was taken out of somebody else's bin.
I wish I could fly

 

[Dalek Caan]

Granted, you fly too close to the sun and burn.

I wish that I had a Tardis.

 

[Knight Captain Kerr]

Granted you have a Tardis during the Last Great Time War. With no way to escape you die in battle.

I wish my shirt was green instead of navy.

 

[zombiekiller1907]

Granted. You light it up, and it explode it. Ain't I a stinker.

I wish that people would make new episodes of Tom and Jerry that are actually GOOD and FUNNY

 

[=y]

Granted but they are lost in a fire.

I wish for pancakes.

 

[TheLastSamurai14]

Granted. Romney fires you for actually being sane.

I wish for a TAR-

I wish that I had a Tardis.

God damn it! Fine...I wish I had a sonic screwdriver.

 

[sgtshock]

Granted. You get the Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver, and he's none too happy that you've stolen it.

I wish Thief 4 was out.

 

[Da Orky Man]

Granted, it's now a JRPG.

I wish for bunnies.

 

[Evil Smurf]

granted. <spoiler=your bunny is a raving rabbid>http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/rabbid_4893.jpg
I wish for a never ending pint of beer