Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

[thesilentman]

Granted. But the composition of the fruits make it acidic to your health and kill you if you even smell it.

I wish for a way to wake up the sheep.

 

[WhyBotherToTry]

Granted, but now they never go back to sleep, and their ceaseless bleating echoes throughout your mind.

I wish I didn't have to get up early.

 

[Hemlock]

Granted, I hope you like waking up 11:59 PM of the current day.
I wish for a fountain of hairballs.

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

Granted. You can pick up from the White House, it's in the Oval Office. The Secret Service has some questions for you.

I wish for wishes that don't ruin themselves.

 

[StormShaun]

Granted, they don't ruin themselves for 5 seconds. Enjoy that happiness while you can.

I wish that I had an apple pie ... right next to me.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Granted but there are razor blades in it.

I wish for a better buzz.

 

[mParadox]

Denied, because I don't know the rules of the game and also, RED IS DRUNK.

I wish I knew the rules of every game.

 

[thesilentman]

Granted, but then everything in the universe stops following rules.

I wish for a reality warping device.

 

[MetaKnight670]

Granted, but it is broken and only allows reality to be warped so that goats are the dominant species on Earth.

I wish I could travel to all the countries in the world.

 

[Jolly Co-operator]

Granted. Coincidentally, all countries except for the one you're currently living in have colonized space . . . and they took their land with them (don't ask me how).

I wish Starbucks could brew a decent cup of plain black coffee (seriously, they can make all sorts of mixed drinks, but decent black coffee is somehow beyond them?!).

 

[MetaKnight670]

Granted, but now you need a constant supply of coffee from Starbucks. This is because instead of needing air to live, you now need a constant supply of black coffee from Starbucks.

I wish I had an Iron Man suit of my very own.

 

[thesilentman]

Granted. The suit has a personality that erases your own, making sure that you never live again.

I wish for some winnings in chess.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Granted, you win a punch to the face for making your opponent angry.

I wish for more creative ways to ruin wishes.

 

[thesilentman]

Granted. But alas, you lose the ability to use them as part of section MLXXXVI sentence 12354325345. See, you can't understand anything if you can ruin everything.

I wish for less boredom on this site.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Granted, you get dragged off to the basement again. It's horrible, horrible infinite pain BUT AT LEAST YOU AREN'T BORED!

I wish for more safety.

 

[thesilentman]

No specification equals wish and wishing rights revoked.

I wish for another way to spend my day.

 

[MetaKnight670]

Granted, but this way to spend your day involves cleaning up dog poo all day, every day.

I wish I could play Fallout: Equestria.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Granted but it is buggier than all hell, making it unplayable forever.

I wish for better armor.

 

[Jolly Co-operator]

Granted. Now your equipment load is so high that you can only move at a slow walk. It's also cursed so that you can never take it off (I hope you didn't drink a lot of water before you put it on).

I wish for the ability to teleport with precision accuracy, and no range limit.

 

[MetaKnight670]

Granted, but once you do it you burn up and die before you reach your first destination.

I wish I could draw like a pro.