Where did I go wrong?
I stared off into the encroaching darkness of my kitchen as my mind idly wandered through the murky swamps of my guilty conscience. The only friend I had left sat upon the table staring at me, speaking its silent stories about the brief release from the pain that it would provide. There was no resisting?no possibility of looking away from it. The bottle stood there as a beacon to help guide me through the maw of the abyss that I had cast myself into willingly.
A few more unending moments passed before my hand reached out and unscrewed the lid.
A shot.
My entire body convulsed as the fire trickled down my throat and began to spread warmly through the rest of my system. Almost instantly my entire being relaxed just a little bit. Although it didn?t bring any of the clarity that my mind craved so ferociously, I didn?t mind anymore. Sometimes the haze and confusion can be far more comforting than living understanding.
That had been the root cause of all of my problems as of late. I had once been one of those who gazed into the darkness in pursuit of understanding. The journey for knowledge had led me to see?things. Horrible horrible horrible horrible?.
A shot.
?horrible things.
This?.?game? that we play has stakes far higher than I would have possibly imagined. Even now my mind hasn?t fully grasped the nature of the beings using our very lives as little more than petty playthings to be discarded in the bat of an eye. This wretched cycle of death and destruction is not something that could be conceived by anything resembling a benevolent deity. No?the ones who pull our strings are far closer to the Devil than any sort of God.
And one of the most powerful now walked the Earth?because of me.
A shot.
I had searched for knowledge. And I had found it.
My eyes were beginning to grow hazy as the numbing effect I desired so strongly began to edge out my senses. The crushing pressure that had surrounded my heart for the past months started to subside for a time as though my sins were washed away in my golden comfort. Still, no matter how much I consumed, I knew that this relief was as frail as the auburn autumn leaves that would grace my lawn before the world would die once again.
These beings that watch over us?is anyone else even aware? Even through all of my prior studies and research I had only scratched the surface of what was out there carelessly toying with our lives and raining us with the cyclical game of torment and suffering that we so enjoyed. Was I the only one that truly understood the forces that we are dealing with? Only one other person has stared into the eternal darkness as I have but he has never uttered a word. Is he just hiding the knowledge? Repressing it to keep his sanity intact? Or was he able to stare unblinkingly into the darkness and never flinch? Is he able to see those things and still live a normal life?
Am I that weak?
A shot.
There was a knocking at the front door. I did not stand to answer it. What was the point of it really? I already knew my fate. It would be the killer sitting at the front door, revolver tucked neatly in his coat pocket. He would walk into my living room and we would exchange pleasantries. At some point the conversation would go south and the cord of my life would be severed at the hands of one who is loyal to the most misguided of causes.
I know the drill. Hell, I perfected the drill.
A shot.
The door opened and the shady figured stepped into my living room. I silently watched him stumble around in the darkness for a moment, feeling around for some way to turn on the lights. I couldn?t help but chuckle lightly at the perceived irony of the situation. The man of the shadows was being bested by the low light; the man sent to kill me was briefly at my mercy.
?The light is on the wall behind you. It?s easy to miss if you?re not used to it.?
His head snapped in my direction, suddenly aware of my presence. Any advantage that I could claim had just dissipated into the wind. I didn?t mind though?advantages are meaningless when fate has already dictated that this would be my last day involved in this iteration of the ritual.
He flipped the light switch and my mind immediately recoiled as the lamp erupted with a brilliant fluorescent light that flooded my room and assaulted my eyes. Without opening my lids I reached casually to my companion on the table and exercised one of the primary benefits of our relationship.
A shot.
I slammed my glass onto the table and opened my eyes to face my attacker. I immediately recognized him from our various dealings around the quaint little town. I sighed loudly and looked into his eyes. They were kind but tired, prematurely aged by the horrific acts he had been forced to commit in order for the game to even be possible.
My heart?it went out to him.
?So?number three, huh??
Not a word in response. It wouldn?t be long now.
?Look friend, I understand. I don?t hate you for what you have chosen to do today. The job that you do here is important to the health of the universe. It?s a?terribly unfair system, but we need to keep the demons entertained. If not for us, who could know how much havoc the world would have to endure before the beasts above are satisfied??
I realized suddenly that I was walking towards the killer. My voice slurred and my feet staggered as I approached our avatar of chaos as boldly as my faculties could muster.
?There are creatures that live in the shadows all around that are the fare of campfire stories. Horrible monsters invisible to the naked eye walk just under our field of view every day. There are horrifying terrors that cannot be unseen no matter how hard you try to drown it away. And I have seen them all!?
I realized that my voice had been building so strongly that it was virtually a yell. I was no more than a foot away from my future killer?my savior. His eyes seemed to scream out to me though I know not if it was because he believed my story or if he thought that I had completely lost my mind.
I like to think it was a little bit of both.
?I...I am suffering right now. Far more than I would have imagined possible. My pursuit of knowledge only blinded me?my pursuit of salvation only damned me. Please friend, I beg you?.?
I found myself kneeling before him. Not long now.
??make it quick.?
He did not need to be told twice. He drew his revolver and aimed it directly for the center of my forehead.
A shot.