I don't see what the problem is here. He's a homophobe, but apologetic about it. Nothing you can really do.
You can't fault someone for that.
You can't fault someone for that.
So my roommate changed rooms because I'm bisexual.
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It's a strange circumstance that he has never had any experience with. I think he handled it pretty well.Zen Toombs said:
Honestly I would have probably do the same thing, except maybe tell you in person.
The fact that you thought introducing yourself by stating your sexuality and your suit-mates sexuality to him before you met him would have weird-ed me out too. It comes across as if it's a big deal for you and will be for him, or at the very least somewhat intimidating.
Well, would you rather s/he continue to live with you, feeling uncomfortable and nervous all the time? Obviously this sort of thing is not going to make you feel good, but it's most definitely better for both of the people involved.Zen Toombs said:
As someone who rates awkwardness and embarrassment on a fear level around that of death, I can kind of see where he's coming from. It's not that he wants to be offensive or that he doesn't want to be progressive, it's just that for some, awkwardness can really hit hard.
Hey, man, you can't help who you love! If we all only fell for people who were available to us, the world would be a much happier place.Zen Toombs said:Part of the dis-analogy is that gay/bi/pan/bbq guys aren't really into straight guys, whereas straight guys ARE into straight girls. Straight boys tend to be unavailable to us, or so I hear.excentric22 said:
But also (agreeing with excentric's point but expanding on it) as a girl I'd be fine in the same room as a straight/bi/gay guy I did know, I would not be comfortable with any guy I didn't know unless he could somehow prove that he was totally not into girls. Of course I don't think all guys are rapists, but quite frankly, if I don't know a guy, I DO NOT WANT TO BE ASLEEP IN A ROOM WITH HIM ALONE AT NIGHT. Chances are he's perfectly decent, but what the heck do I know?
Your would-be-roommate's line 'I just have never faced this situation before' does suggest that he's just not got much experiences with being around bi/gay guys in general, but I don't think any of that was disrespectful.
(In case it sheds any context on my post, I'm also bi.)
Whaaaat? You mean to say you have an orientation that challenges the heteronormative status of society and you're surprised you've been treated differently because of your sexuality?Zen Toombs said:
Is this guy for real?
Let me tell you something, matey. You will always get treated differently for whatever lifestyle choices you make in life. I got treated differently for playing computer games or watching anime. I got treated differently because unlike the typical football playing jocks my favourite "sport" is shooting targets down the range. I got treated differently because of the music i enjoy.
The point is we'll always be treated differently for whatever choices we make (Note: NOT saying orientation is a choice, but the lifestyle (embracing your identity as bi / homo / hetero / whatever) is) especially if it goes against societal norms. Wake up, sunshine: society says that bisexuals are a part of the minority along with the rest of the LGBT group. You have to expect this kind of reaction when you are a member of that group. Not everyone is going to have the same blasé reaction about what you divulge about yourself.
Are you telling me the LGBT community doesn't have their own culture and lifestyle?Woodsey said:
It's not uncommon to feel a bit uneasy around bisexuals or homosexuals.
I'm bisexual, and I feel really uneasy around a homosexual for example. I guess it's just social stigma, but you shouldn't take it to heart.
I'm bisexual, and I feel really uneasy around a homosexual for example. I guess it's just social stigma, but you shouldn't take it to heart.
Seems understandable to me.
Just as there are women who wouldn't feel comfortable sharing a room with men, and vice versa.
There are people who don't feel comfortable sharing a room with someone of the same sex who is homo/bisexual.
Nobody is saying people of non hetero orientation have no control and will jump anything that shares the same genitalia as they do. Its just a matter of not being comfortable sharing a close living space with someone who could potentially be attracted to you.
Seriously though, would this kind of thing garner so much attention if a woman was refusing to share a living space with a man?
Just as there are women who wouldn't feel comfortable sharing a room with men, and vice versa.
There are people who don't feel comfortable sharing a room with someone of the same sex who is homo/bisexual.
Nobody is saying people of non hetero orientation have no control and will jump anything that shares the same genitalia as they do. Its just a matter of not being comfortable sharing a close living space with someone who could potentially be attracted to you.
Seriously though, would this kind of thing garner so much attention if a woman was refusing to share a living space with a man?
Well put (excepting I don't know who those people are).Gecko clown said:
Yes, this is a minor example of homophobia, but that doesn't mean that it isn't one at all.
JoesshittyOs said:
I have never understood this. Homophobia is the irrational fear and/or hatred of homosexuals. Nothing in the guy's email suggested that he was a homophobe. In fact, he was very polite about it. At most, the email indicates that he was uncomfortable with the situation. But there are any number of reasons that would account for his discomfort, none of which involve a fear or hatred of homosexuals.thaluikhain said:
What about his response makes him a homophobe?
Woodsey said:
And this, here, is how we get McCarthyism.
You are mistaking -discomfort- for bigotry. And if you can't tell the difference between the two, you're going to run around making ignorant statements like this one thinking that you actually have a valid point. And then people might start listening to you, and we'll have an entire CULT of people running around who don't understand the basic instinctive process of "Keep to Your Own" and actually believe that being uncomfortable in prolonged settings with people who have major differences (and yes, I'm sorry to say, but sexuality really is a MAJOR difference... seeing as sex pretty much runs our society) in personality and lifestyle is bigotry, racism, or homophobia.
And by extension, these impressionable folks will actually PERPETRATE the problem.
Bigotry would mean I look down on, disdain, or otherwise feel superior/more right than everyone else. Because my opinions are superior, nobody else is worth considering. All of my prejudices and intolerance would never be questioned or challenged.
Discomfort? That's just not feeling comfortable in a situation, for whatever reasons or factors.
So put it another way, let's take a look at your argument for a minute. These guys, they're sexually attracted to men. Nope. That doesn't bother me. I'm not uncomfortable with that thought. These guys, they engage in sexual activity with men. Again, doesn't bother me in the least. My room-mate is Bi-Sexual? Hey, so is my girlfriend... again. It doesn't bother me.
But all of these things equal one major conclusion: I am the only straight guy in the room.
That makes me uncomfortable. In the same way being surrounded by a group of burly black men would make me uncomfortable. In the same way that being surrounded by a group of Jewish people would make me uncomfortable. In the same way that being surrounded by a group of ALCOHOLICS would make me uncomfortable!
It has nothing to do with being around those 'terrible gay guys', and everything to being 'the only straight guy' in sight. Just like being the only sober guy in sight, I wouldn't be comfortable with my surroundings.
And that's nothing to do with bigotry at all, I'm afraid... rendering your precious 1950's sentimentality moot.
But here, I'll go a step further: "They like fucking guys. Big Whoop. Some people like shagging fat chicks."
Okay, your argument, although crass and lacking in regard for women (most of whom resent men calling them 'chicks', possible sexism?), has been accepted. For the sake of simplicity, let's remove the 'lifestyle' differences from the equation and look at this in straight-up terms of DISCOMFORT FACTOR:
In a dorm/suite full of gay/bi-sexual men... I'm the only straight guy. I'm the odd-man-out. I'm the 'Token Not-Gay Character' in this little sitcom of life. And that's not fun. That means I'm also the butt-monkey. That means I'm plucky comic relief. Which is fine, sometimes, but we're talking about school. School is stressful enough without becoming the bit-character that everyone loves to see walk into awkward situations. That's not the kind of role that's going to result in a happy ending, either. It's the kind of role that's going to end with me getting into all kinds of frustrated fights and ridiculous arguments over 'house rules' and 'boundary issues'. By the end of each show, I'm once again squarely in the background as the personalities and humor of the gay characters come back into focus.
Sure, you can subvert the typical 'comic relief' character by making him the 'main character' and all... but I'm just not main character material. Never have been. Never will be.
-next-
By this same vein, this also means that I'm perfectly fine living with people who like screwing fat women. Because I'm a fat guy. And I prefer women I won't break. So they'd be a lot like me, in that regards. Instead of being a background character who doesn't quite fit in with the crowd, I might even make it to a full-blown 'part of the crew'. Sure, I'm still just a glorified extra... but what the hell. I'm in the main group. I'm in most every episode. I can make my cameo, we can all get a laugh at my forgetting to wear pants... or my losing something that's on top of my head... and I can get on with my class schedule.
It's a completely different experience when you're not singled out. The COMFORT LEVEL doesn't care about tones of sexual inequality, or laws making it perfectly legal to drink to intoxication. It only cares about personal comfort in any given situation.
Speaking of alcohol, I wouldn't live in a dorm with a bunch beer-chugging, football watching, womanizers, either. You know, the kind who sit around making dick jokes all day and laughing at physical humor... the kind who call every woman a 'chick' and constantly ogle them as they go by. Don't get me wrong, this describes half of my friends. But being my friend doesn't mean I want to have to live in close proximity to you. I'd fall by the wayside just as quickly as I would being surrounded by gay guys... only my perceived effeminate nature would actually get me LABELED as 'the most likely gay guy' on the show. Which is actually ironic, seeing as I began this post responding to the accusation of my harboring 1950's sentimentality towards the gay crowd.
Still, folks will make their assumptions. Despite the glorious amount of sex I'll be having with my gorgeous girlfriend... people will just assume that because I like girly things, it's perfectly fine to assume that I'm into men. Even some men might get confused, which would lead to awkward situations no MATTER the company I live with.
Comfort levels have nothing to do with this 'mentality' you speak of. They don't relate at ALL to this misconceived notion that "We have to act like everyone is the same in order to beat racism/sexism/anti-gay bigotry!"
What we have to do is stop calling out everyone who feels the slightest bit uncomfortable in a situation where the tables are turned and brand them a racist/sexist/bigot.
There are people who are GENUINELY hateful of gays. There are people who are malicious towards women. There are people who hate fat guys, and who hate jocks. There are people who still think it's an insult if they call some dork in glasses a 'Nerd'.
And then there are people. Everyday people. All genetically hardwired to 'Keep to Their Own'. But society has magically deemed that this philosophy, too, is Racist/Sexist/Bigoted! Oh no, you can't keep to yourself! That's homophobic! That's sexist!
You can't not want to live surrounded by women! Not only are you probably gay, but you also have some kind of misogynistic streak, don't you?!
It's sensationalism, pure and simple.
What amounts to nothing more than 'preferring to live with people who are more similar to myself' gets blown out of proportion... and like you yourself have just proved Woodsey, get's balled up into some inane comment about how it's the 1950's all over again.
I've got another stereotype for you. It's called 'Kettle-Kicking Bastard'. All this guy or gal loves to do, all day, every day, is make life more uncomfortable for people.
And so what he'll do is he'll stir up discord wherever he can. He'll turn folks who try to offer supportive criticism into racists. He'll turn excessive use of 'he' into an accusation of sexism in writing. He'll say and do whatever it takes to rile up people in controversy, even when there isn't any controversy to be had.
And even when he's a girl, he's still just some desperate tool looking to make a quick and seemingly poignant statement without really saying anything meaningful at all.
I say while I wouldn't have changed the room just because of something like that, I can understand if someone wants to. It's like if you say "sry, I don't wanna be your roommate because I really, really hate rap and since you say you are a big rap enthusiast and that you like to listen to it loudly, I don't think this is gonna work out."
