So, on a scale of 1-10, how bad is this?

[Jaime_Wolf]

Disclaimer: Trying to avoid a kneejerk reaction here (though perhaps one is really a more appropriate response).

Representative of his character: not great. It's not end of the world stuff, but it is the sort of thing that would really make me question whether it's worth associating with a person (though more from the attitude you seem to be describing than the act itself).

Actual damage done: unless this is a particularly insecure woman, probably pretty damn low. Most of the women I know would be very pissed off for a while and might break off a friendship, but this is probably not life-ending for the average woman. If it was a close friend and a one-time thing with an apology, it's pretty far from unforgivable.

At the very least, you are not overreacting. Turning him over to the police or some such would be overreacting (personally, I'd say this would be massively overreacting for the girl too, but either way that's her prerogative). I would be very angry with him and I would very definitely demand that he tell the girl he did it, a conversation that certainly wouldn't be likely to go well, but might not go quite too terribly if they really are best friends (if they know each other so well, I doubt it's a tremendous surprise that he might be interested in her and this could be less a massive violation and more a particularly inappropriate way of expressing something he's too shy to admit). Hell, I've heard weirder stories of how friends discovered that they liked each other. Of course, if he still thinks this was appropriate behaviour (perhaps in that brotastic high-fiving sort of way), then that's a whole other story.

TL;DR: He fucked up, it's probably not world-ending, and if he owns up to it and apologises you should probably forgive him.

 

[DesiPrinceX09]

I have a best friend who is a girl and I know for certain she would feel betrayed if I did anything like that to her (we both don't drink though). I agree with everything you said about how she obviously trusts him and he took advantage of her. That is truly disgusting. I would be ashamed of myself if I did that to my best female friend. And if this guy has any conscience, he will be ashamed to. In conclusion: this is definitely a 10.

 

[intheweeds]

Am I overreacting?

From a woman's perspective (not to say any of the other replies weren't from women, no one has said), NO NO NO you are not overreacting. In fact in my book you aren't reacting enough. I'm with the people who say you should tell him to tell her or you will. Then tell her anyway just to be sure.

You can be damn sure she would want to know and might be upset at you(rightfully so) if she found out you knew and didn't tell her. It might seem to her(for right or wrong) that you were trying to cover it up. She has a right to press charges if she wants or hit him over and over again herself or whatever she wants in this situation, really, but it's she who should be given the opportunity to make that choice.

Either way, if someone told me they did that, they would no longer be my friend. I have a thing i sometimes call my 'stamp'. All my friends have it. It means I assure anyone that anyone i have my 'stamp' on is trustworthy and worth knowing. I am forgiving, everyone makes mistakes, I usually give someone a chance to fix a mistake(especially if they have had a stamp for a long time), but some things can make me revoke a stamp instantly because it speaks to a deeper thought process that i refuse to be associated with. This is very definitely one of those things. If this got out to the greater community, I don't want anyone thinking I associate with people who think like that. They are not okay with me. I'm one of those people who only needs a very few close friends rather than a whole phone book full of idiots to party with, though. YRMV

 

[k-ossuburb]

Then what is the difference between rape and sexual assault?

There's not really any difference, technically they're the same thing. Sexual assault over here in the U.K. is just another term for rape, it's just "nicer" to say "sexual assault" on the news instead of "rape" because the word "rape" has negative connotations and would make the newscaster sound biased, so the term "sexual assault" is used just in case the person who is accused of it is innocent.

EDIT: Fish heads, fish heads, roly, poly fish heads.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Your friend is guilty of sexual assault. You should confront him with a deadline to come clean to the girl so she has the option to press charges or not (she probably won't, most incidences of rape and sexual assault go unreported). Once you're done that, you need to think long and hard about whether or not you want to continue being friends with a sex offender.

To all the people saying "It's just groping, at least he didn't rape her", imagine the unconcious woman in question is your girlfriend, or wife, or sister, or daughter. Hey, at least he didn't rape her! He just fondled her while she was helpless!

Your friend is a douchebag and a criminal, and he's now put you in the delightful position where if you don't do something you're essentially an accessory to his bullshit.

 

[Robert632]

On a scale from one to ten, this is an eleven. What he did really is messed up. Good for you for calling him out.

No. An 11 would be if rape was involved. And a 12 would be if she ended up pregnant.

O.T:Yeah...This is a terrible thing your friend did to someone who trusted him. Hope he feels like a complete dick for this.

 

[toadking07]

Hmmm, on the other hand, it seems like you aren't getting too many on a scale of 1-10..

It's probably safe to say it sounds like a wrongness of a 7 or 8. It's not cool, it's not something that looks good for your friend or his future. It's not something you need to disown him over, or tell the girl about. But let him know that's not a good thing to do, ever, even if he likes her, a lot. It'd be like kissing her while she's sleeping, or taking pictures of her when she doesn't know so you can look at them later. It's just wrong, and should not be encouraged as it can only lead down him.

Drunk or not, he's still in control of his body. Even if she had been conscious, drunken hookups are a bad idea. More so between friends and such.

 

[teisjm]

I think you should tell him that if he doesn't tell her, not in a month, but ASAP, you will, but if you can convince him to tell her himself, i thik it might be better for her, to hear it directly from him.
Then take it from there on, depenging on her reaction. You did what you could, to bring light to the matter, but let her be the judge.
I don't know how well you know this girl (as far as i understand, she's your friends friend) so i think the best course of action, would be to fit it to her reaction, if she thinks it's as creepy and fucked as the rest of the forum, tell your friend to fuck off.
But on the off chance that she doesn't really mind, and still continues to be friends with your friend, theres nothing wrong with you doing so as well, if you still have any respect left for him, for all we know here on the forum, there might be sides to their friendship we don't know about, so i'd gauge her reaction, and determine how serious this is from there.
Just to make clear, i'm not trying to excuse his actions, just think she should be the one to judge him, if for instance, while the chance is probably small, that she didn't mind all that much, deeming it as rape might make her feel more like a victim, than she would've otherwise had.
As for whether you'll ever trust him again, no matter what she does, is of course completely up to you.

I'm looking for one post that says that it was the woman's fault.
I don't think that but maybe someone does >.>

Well, if she had stayed at home, sober and making sandwiches like she should, this wouldn't have happened...

 

[Catie Caraco]

That is super douchey, I can't really give it a 1-10 score but he really deserves a hell of a lot of stick for this. You might want to think about letting her know, or get him to confess or something, because if he's done it once and doesn't agree with you when you say it's wrong he may well do the same again or worse.


EDIT:

Um. Yes it is. Take this to court and you would be able to prosecute the OP's friend for rape.

Rape is defined as any sort of nonconsensual "sexual" contact. As I said above, kissing someone against their will can be and has been construed as rape.

What he's done is hideous, but it isn't rape, no court would call that rape*, maybe if he penetrated her vagina or anus then it might be depending on the jurisdiction, but otherwise it's sexual assault.

*OK, maybe in Australia where you live, but otherwise no, certainly not "virtually every jurisdiction"

Here in the United States it could be prosecuted as rape. Anytime someone does something to you of a sexual nature and you say "no" or legally can't say "yes" (either because you're under age or incapacitated, like the girl mentioned by the O.P.) then yeah, it's rape. Rape does not imply penetration. In all honesty a District Attorney probably /wouldn't/ prosecute for rape in this case, but they could. They'd probably prosecute for something more minor, especially if he doesn't have a history of sexual assault. But by text book definition it is rape.

 

[Zeekar]

That's pretty bad. I have no idea what you should do, though. Luckily, I have no friends that would do that, so the proper reaction doesn't occur to me.

My first instinct is to tell the girl and disassociate myself with the guy. I don't know how close you are, though.

In the end, your action or inaction is up to you. You definitely aren't overreacting, though.

 

[Kenjitsuka]

That's plain and simple sexual assault, no?

In any case, some in this thread are saying that "he must've also been waaaay drunk", and that is meant as some defense for his actions. Well, NO, he can still remember it. If he would have been truely drunk he'd not remember, for one.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

It's not something you need to disown him over, or tell the girl about.

Yes, it is. The girl was sexually assaulted while she was incapable of giving consent or defending herself by someone she trusted. You don't think she deserves to know? Incredible.

 

[FamoFunk]

No, your're not over-reacting at all. Fuck, he's stupid enough to tell me something like this, he seems stupid enough to do it. I'd seriously pull him up on it, and tell the Girl. It's pretty much sexual assault. And he could go so much further next time.

 

[BRex21]

Not sure. I'm mostly familiar with Australian and US law. I have no idea about the UK, I'm sorry to say. I do think that's a bit ridiculous though.

I think only 1 Australian state will still prosecute for "Rape" at all any more, its all various degrees of sexual assault in the others. Most commonwealth can be classified one of two ways. Rape is a crime reserved specifically when a penis is doing the offending, or they have divided everything up into various degrees of sexual assault forced sex usually being 1st degree. I am not familiar with the law in all the states but I would be willing to put up a fair wager that no state would classify this as anything other than sexual assault. Not that it makes the action any less disgusting, but it certainly isn't rape and shouldn't be called such.

A little more on topic though, I hate it when people come up to me and "feel the fabric" of my clothes when i'm fully alert and conscious. Abusing a position of trust in a friendship in order to cop a feel when someone is defenceless is pretty low. Ideally though I think he should be the one to tell her, it would be less traumatic if he confesses himself and offers an apology she can decide herself if she wants to write it off as a drunken mistake or avoid this guy like the plague. I strongly suggest you take the stance of tell her or I will, I would also suggest that he cut back on the drinking, because he obviously needs to work on his self control.

 

[newwiseman]

I don't care, he didn't post pics to the internet, he didn't rape her (can make a case for sexual assault), and had he not told you then it never happened; not to mention being drunk allows for some pretty stupid choices to slip through the brains moral filter.

Considering what could have gone down I'll give this guy a silver star for restraint, a gold star if he couldn't stand up straight.

He should own up to the act to her; from the description of the pair it sounds like she would forgive him, and they could end up going out.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Are you kidding, this is bad, this is fucking terrible, make it very clear to your buddy that he can be prosecuted for this shit, and his jail mates wont get him drunk first.

 

[Raykuza]

they both got drunk

He was drunk. Cut him a little slack. It's not like he slipped her a roofie and went to town. His decision making abilities were clearly impaired.

One time a friend of mine got drunk, went outside, came back inside soaking wet and without his pants. He then proceeded to sloppily tackle anyone nearby. He had me pinned to the ground for several minutes before one of my other friends who wasn't fleeing him helped me out from under him.

My friend would never act the same way if he was sober, and I'm sure the same thing is true of your friend.