So sick of the "friend zone".

[De_Roll_Le]

Then don't be a friend...in the agony uncle sense.

Some parts of this might read like a cynic's mindset but I'm in a grand relationship that currently involves a few thousand miles of long distance. So perhaps I might have something to offer you, as my other half plans to join me in a few months. ^_^

I've been going out with the most awesome woman ever for over a year. I'm in China right now and she's studying in the U.K. We plan to teach together next year. We've got long long term plans.

Want to know how it started... We met at a place that wasn't some pub or club, she added me. We talked every now and then, once she started pouring out her emotions all the time, well I blocked her. Told her I blocked her too.

I've had numerous people add me, pour out their hearts, after a while they get stronger, I find myself attracted because they're no longer just moping in self pity but meh they saw me as a friend by then. If you don't want to get friend zoned, then don't step into the friend zone. It's a two way street. For them to place you in it, you have to make a move that sets you up to look like you want to be there.

I told her outright, she's amazing and incredible but reading depressing messages every day wasn't doing it for me and just hearing about how someone is feeling bad...well as a busy person myself those messages just bring me down too. I said we can see and talk and go for walks. We ended up walking under the stars around an old ruined castle, having coffee and oh jesus...in retrospect by removing the internet as a way for my epic girlfriend to access me, this made us go on 'dates' where we actually talked and shared ideas. As in I spoke about my daily troubles and she had minor rants about hers. Spoke about mutual interests and showed the other our respective sources for happy nerdy times.

Don't be listening to their problems all the time either, let them know what is on your mind. Tell them about what angers, irritates and bugs you. Don't just be an agony uncle. That's why you got friend zoned.

 

[Aethren]

What's wrong with being a friend? It's much more preferable to a relationship anyway. Have you seen how crazy girls can be? Do yourself a favor and keep the crazy at arm's length, because once you lower your defenses, you're screwed.

 

[CODE-D]

Just dump her as a friend is my suggestion.

 

[wooty]

I've resided myself to the "friend zone" now with everyone I know, I've given up.

There always has to be that one guy in every circle of friends that remains single for the rest of his life, Ezio Auditore, Solid Snake, Captain Kirk, James Bond, Kiryu Kazuma, Dante..............maybe it wont actually be that bad.

 

[Phasmal]

I've resided myself to the "friend zone" now with everyone I know, I've given up.

I hate when guys cry friendzone just cause someone isn't interested in them, when they were too wussy to ask them out in the first place.
Asking someone out might be scary but what have you got to lose? You either get to go out with them, which you wouldnt if you just pretended to be a friend, or you don't. Either way you get an answer.

 

[wooty]

I've resided myself to the "friend zone" now with everyone I know, I've given up.

I hate when guys cry friendzone just cause someone isn't interested in them, when they were too wussy to ask them out in the first place.
Asking someone out might be scary but what have you got to lose? You either get to go out with them, which you wouldnt if you just pretended to be a friend, or you don't. Either way you get an answer.

Don't just jump to conclusions over me "being too wussy". I've lost a fair few friends by attempting to make the move from the friend zone and list is growing shorter, its best to not risk what you've got remaining.

 

[Phasmal]

Don't just jump to conclusions over me "being too wussy". I've lost a fair few friends by attempting to make the move from the friend zone and list is growing shorter, its best to not risk what you've got remaining.

I said guys, not you. The yoda bit was for you, the rest was just general irritation about the `friend zone`. Sorry, I seem to post rather unclearly all the time.

And yeah that might suck, but generally you dont get shit given to you. If you want something, you have to go get it. Of course, if you've decided to give up, thats your choice.

 

[wooty]

Don't just jump to conclusions over me "being too wussy". I've lost a fair few friends by attempting to make the move from the friend zone and list is growing shorter, its best to not risk what you've got remaining.

I said guys, not you. The yoda bit was for you, the rest was just general irritation about the `friend zone`. Sorry, I seem to post rather unclearly all the time.

And yeah that might suck, but generally you dont get shit given to you. If you want something, you have to go get it. Of course, if you've decided to give up, thats your choice.

Given up for now, I'm considering myself to be on sexual hiatus for a few months to repopulate the social circle...........its gonna be rough.

 

[beniki]

I think I was in the friend zone once.

Happily my social ineptitude, naivete, and over whelming sincerity ploughed on through the traditional friend zone barriers... mutual embarrasement and awkwardness.

Seriously... I knew her for months as a friend. Then my contract in her country was up, and I left. We spoke via the internet, and exchanged emails for a year or so. She was quite literally my best friend.

I started working in Japan. Since our time zones were closer, we could talk more frequently, and, well, my feelings deepened. The Japanese can be quite introverted outside of central Tokyo, and she was someone I could talk to easily. I had the usual pangs of jealousy whenever other guys would take interest in her, but I always clamped down on them, since I thought I'd never see her in the flesh again.

Then a tsunami happened.

A lot of confusion happened. But the short story, is that when it came to leave Japan, I didn't want to go home. I wanted to see her. So I did. Took the first plane I could to see her. She was supportive and helpful in getting me back home. I was firmly rejected by her, for the pretty good reasons that I wasn't staying in the same country, and that I wasn't prepared for her culture when it comes to dating. Which was true. We stayed friends.

Eventually, I went back to Japan, where we kept up our usual level of communication. I grew more and more restless, more and more dissatisfied with my job. After a few months of frustration, I just quit. Up and left the country. Went to hers without looking back. I knew what was going to make me happy.

I stubbornly pursued her for months. Learnt the ropes of her cultures dating traditions. Jumped through the hoops, got educated. Sometimes I embarrassed myself, and I put my pride at risk for her as I fumbled through courting. In short, made myself a better man. And one day, it all paid off. My sincerity blasted apart her doubts. She was always concerned, and quite validly, that I'd just leave the country again. But then those three magic words... 'I trust you.'

There's still a mountain to climb. Her family is quite conservative, and if we move back home things will be problematic. But we've never been happier. It's no longer a question of 'if' we get married, but 'when'.

That's a lot to read, but the point is this:

If you're willing enough, then do it. Damn the torpedoes. Damn the 'loss of friendship'. Damn every barrier, be they social, geographical or even mental. Show her your sincerity, and not through stupid grand gestures, but through the normal ways that everyone expects. Flowers on appropriate days. Date her. Flirt.

Ignore the fear of being shot down, because if you're not willing to risk that, then you do not sincerely care enough to be with her.

 

[Bradeck]

Sorry if this offends anyone, "I think we should just be friends" is women speak for you're too ugly, smelly, weird, nerdy, stupid, or uncool to date me, and I can do a lot better than you" without all the hurt feelings. If a woman says that to you, she does not want to date you, so stop trying to force yourself on her.

OOOOOOR

1. Go to the gym, do 600 situps a day, gain six pack abs. At least make yourself attractive to the class of woman you are looking for. Unless you have a million dollars, man boobs and a big ass ain't gonna cut it if you are trying for the captain of the cheerleaders.

2. Don't wear clothes that look like you bought them from Old Navy's douchbag section. Look at most of the guys who are successful with girls. They dress nice, polo shirts, clean slacks, casual dress shirts, form fitting clothes. Nice clothes cost money, and it shows that you care about your appearance.

3. Learn how to talk to women. I have never met a women that responded well to "Hey, I really like you, maybe we could go on a date?" Because you might as well be saying, "Hey little girl, wanna get in my van? I got free candy!" Instead, try to entice her, make her want to hang out with you. Tell her about the awesome lake party you and your friends are putting on, or the adult sport/activity team you're starting up.

4. Do things that are popular. Unless you want the nerd queen, most girls don't play WoW, D&D, or Halo, and they could care less that your lvl 20 knight made it past the dragon in Dark Souls. Play a sport, join an exercise group, learn how to scuba dive, do something that is remotely interesting to the majority of women.

5. DON'T BE A STALKER. Don't fill up her message inbox, don't call her 5 times a week, don't "miraculously" show up at the places she is, and try to hang out with her. Make her want to hang out with you.

 

[Vegosiux]

You don't want to be a friend, don't be a friend. Seriously, if you don't want to continue this status quo thing you have going, cut ties, reduce her to the rank of "acquaintance". You can still go grab a coffee break with her now and then, but let her rely on others for the friend stuff.

And stand firm by your decision even if she suddenly starts to "miss you" - hey, lady, you didn't give me the time of day when I was there, so what the hell is the problem now that I'm not?

 

[trooper6]

Alright. I'm not going to talk about her and the friend zone she did or didn't put you in...or the motivations she has for this other guy.
I'm going to talk about you for a moment.

I think you need to look inward instead of outward. Rather than asking, "why did she put me in the friend zone and how do I get out of it?" I think you should be asking, "why am I romantically fixating on people who are inaccessible?"

Because that is what is going on here. You are fixating on someone who doesn't reciprocate...or when she does she can't do anything because she's in a relationship. And when she is accessible and hits on you? You find a reason to not actually take the relationship plunge (the "saving her from a rebound" excuse). So you get to continue to fixate on someone who is inaccessible.

From your story it sounds like you've remained single for years using her as the excuse. It sounds like the friend zone is a place some part of you wants to be/

So, what's up? Are you afraid of being in a relationship? Are you afraid of real women (as opposed to this sort of pedestal thing you have going on with her)? Are you afraid of rejection? You can't do anything about other people. You can only do something about yourself. So I'd recommend figuring out why you prefer emotional attachment to people you can't get rather than taking a chance with people you could get into a relationship with.

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

Want some real advice from a man who went from your position to never having to worry about being friendzoned again?

Here's a bit of it that might help you see where you went wrong, first, attraction is not something that a woman "decided" to feel for you because you're really "nice" to her, attraction is a subconscious thing that is built on traits that make you an ideal mate, confidence, control of yourself and your situation, including emotional self control, as a man you must be a man, not just be an older boy.

First mistake you made was in your approach, NEVER tell a girl you have feelings for her unless you've been going with her for some time, as it practicaly screams "I'm madly in love with you, love me love me love me love me love me!!!! I'm SOOO DESPERATE!!!!" which makes you look like the EXACT opposite of an elligable mate, as it betrays that you have no self control and that you aren't able to be happy as yourself, betraying clingy weakness...

Just ask her out, but be casual, like you ask people out and get the answer of yes often and it's just natural, coffee or tea is usually a good thing, because you can turn that into a stroll or sit and sip, and it's cheap/escapable if it goes wrong, nobody loses out.

Also, never buy women things until you've been going out with them for awhile, especially expensive things, it sends the message that you are trying to buy their love, which is exactly the opposite of what you intend, but still that screams desperation and is a major turn off to most women. For instance if you buy her lunch, imply that she then owes you a meal in return, never imply a monetary value system, it's favour for favour, for instance she could cook you a meal with her own groceries same deal, whatever, that way if she's not very financially secure it won't put stress on the relationship.

A first date should be a 50/50 split deal hence the coffee/tea thing you buy your own drinks, no problem.

Also, unless she starts the conversation on such topics avoid religion and politics at all cost in innitial discussions, as they tend to become way too tense way too easily, and that's never good.

Now as far as carrying yourself propperly so as to project the right immage(we're going for confidence and openness, after all no woman wants a man with no confidence who's gonna just lie about themselves all the time right?) when you sit across from her at a table, lean back, shoulders back, don't lean towards her, because for the most part this projects needyness, not confidence, when you lean back with your shoulders back(this is important) it projects confidence, comfort, and openness, which are all positive. Also eye control, a lot of women will wear a low cut top on their first date as a test, do not look at her boobs, eye contact is where it's at, just make sure you blink regularily, too fast you look nervous, too slow and you look creepy. I mean sure you can look at something else from time to time like out the window, so you can comment on the weather outside(say if it's a nice warm sunny day, you can suggest going for a stroll in it, or if it's raining or misserable you can comment on being glad to be indoors) or some construction going on or whatever.

Another trick I've learned, is conversation with a woman you don't want to friendszone you, is different than the conversation with just a girl who's your friend, for instance, giving straight answers all the time is no fun, be different, if she asks you a question answer with another question, or answer with something that's very obviously not the truth, then smile, an example of this, when I was wearing a sling for my fractured elbow, and working, now I'm a gas station attendant, I flirt with every woman who enters the gas station I work at, mainly because I get a ton of regular return customers that way, and it gives me practise, lots of practise, but when they asked "What happened to your arm(looking all concerned)" I answered "Lost it in the war.(then smile)" or "Busted my elbow fighting a bear." or something else that's obviously not the truth, mainly cuz it's funny, but also because it shows that I'm fine and it doesn't bother me that I'm borked for awhile, but that I'm still in control, no matter the variables.

But remember there is nothing at all, that will replace self confidence, you must first love yourself before you can love another, you must first make yourself happy before you can make others happy... This is the most important part, look at yourself, and see what your pros and cons are, then build on the pros and work to solve what cons you can, and don't ever beat yourself up for your cons, they're just something you're working on, everyone on earth has problems, and you don't see that stopping everyone from being successful. After all, you're the one you gotta live with, make sure you love yourself, then everything else becomes much much easier...

Oh another thing, this is just incase you happen to be the really sensitive sort, when women tease you, it may seem like they're insulting you, so just let it slide, and joke about it, return the favour by jokingly insulting them, just avoid weight, and age(generally, though I've made the old lady joke at some women I've dated who were a few years my senior and it's given good results, just know your audience is all...).

Anyhow I'm practically a living archive of what works and what doesn't, I've been around the block myself, so if you need any more specific advice, or you want more general stuff, just message me, I know some guys have called me bigoted, but really I'm not saying women run on impulse or anything, it's just... some traits are an automatic turnoff, no matter who you're with, and women cannot control what attracts them, they can only control their actions after the fact, and it's the same with men, we're programmed with a basic algorythm for what turns us on, and there may be differences here and there, but there's a suprisingly large ammount of universal triggers.

Anyhow, cheers and all that, sorry for the text wall, but this subject is one I can expand uppon to an almost limitless extent.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

Be a scumbag.

No I'm serious. If you always play it nice, you'll end up screwed over.

Fuck off. What you just said is worse in every way than the 'scumbags' you're talking about. Just learn to talk to girls people and move onto one that's actually interested in you.

Unless that was ironic. In which case, I will congratulate you on your wit and wish you a good day.

Scumbag was probably the wrong word to use, but girls don't get attracted to the door mat guys that do everything for them. Ya gotta be kind of a dick sometimes.